? ?
We're all from West Covina!
This is my favorite TV show.
I love you, Rachel Bloom.
Ra-ta-ta!
Hello, Los Angeles.
Oh, my God.
You guys kind of made me tear up.
We love you, Rachel!
? West Covina ?
? California ?
? In my soul I feel a fire ?
? 'Cause I'm headed for the pride of the Inland Empire ?
? Actually, it's not in the Inland Empire ?
? It's in the San Gabriel Valley ?
? I should have taken five seconds to Google that ?
? Before I wrote the first song of the television show ?
? My life's about to change ?
Oh, my gosh.
? 'Cause I'm hopelessly ?
? Desperately in love with ?
? Everybody ?
? West Covina... ?
? And also, by coincidence ?
? So random, just by chance ?
? Who'd-a thunk it?
? So remarkable and weird, right? ?
? It so cray ?
? ?
? That this guy Josh ?
? Just happens to be ?
? ?
? Here... ?
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
Welcome!
Um, so, tonight, we are so excited
to present to you just some of the 157 songs that we...
I know, I know...
Uh, from the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songbook.
"Songbook" was their cue, so that was very important.
Yes. Yes.
Now, uh, because this whole concert has to air
in 42 minutes on The CW, we have to be very expeditious,
so I am going to both introduce the show
and change into my next outfit.
This is my dresser, Tommy Marquez.
? He's single. ?
Um...
See? I'm helping.
Um, Tommy has seen me naked many times.
Many times. Um, if Tommy had a nickel
for every time he'd seen my nipples,
he would have an answer that I can't say
because it was redacted by Standards and Practices
for being too dirty of a joke.
I like how I'm behind a changing screen,
but the balcony can see everything.
So, now, I'd like to introduce
my two Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songwriters.
On bass, say hello to Jack Dolgen.
And on the piano,
Mr. Adam Schlesinger.
And now...
I am changed.
Coming up is a song that manages to be both feminist
and anti-feminist at the same time.
Here's your jacket, bitch.
? Right now we're angry and sad ?
? It's our right to get righteously mad ?
? At every member of the opposite sex ?
? Oh, God, we hate them ?
? Let's not distinguish between them at all ?
? Let's just drink a lot more alcohol ?
? And then high-five each other ?
? As we make a bunch of blanket statements ?
? Let's generalize about men ?
? Let's take one bad thing ?
? About one man ?
? And apply it to all of them ?
? Let's conflate all the guys ?
? Let's generalize ?
? About men ?
Ooh, it's, like, "I have a beard." Ugh!
? All men are completely repressed ?
? Uh-huh ?
? All men only want to have sex ?
? There are no exceptions ?
? All three billion men are like this ?
? All 3.6 billion men ?
? All men are emotionally stunted ?
? When asked how they feel, every man's always grunted ?
? And why do men never listen ?
? And only think about themselves? ?
? As opposed to women, who always listen ?
? And never think about themselves ?
? Ooh, I hear you, girl ?
? Let's generalize about men ?
? Let's get super lit ?
? And not admit ?
? This is some kind of primal ritual ?
? We need now and then ?
? Maybe our spirits will rise if we ?
? Generalize about men ?
? All men are stupid and childish ?
? Even the ones who are "smart and mature" ?
? All every man does every day ?
? Is watch porn, eat wings ?
? Burp, fart and snore ?
Hey. What about gay men?
Oh, no, they're fine.
? Gay men are all really great ?
? Every single one ?
? They're never mean ?
? Just sassy ?
? They're all completely ?
? Adorable and fun ?
? So let's focus for now on straight men ?
? Let's just generalize about them ?
? They're all monsters ?
? They're murderers ? ? They're rapists ?
- ? Totally ? - Wait.
I have sons.
? Your sons are gonna be rapists. ?
All right, uh, we'll be right back
after I clean up all the glitter.
Oh...
Anyone want to, um...
you guys want to...
Okay, dare to defy.
We'll be back.
You know, during that last commercial break,
while you were all... going to the bathroom
or getting drinks or... probably fornicating...
um, I was actually backstage,
uh, donating money to some very worthy causes.
- Wow, Rachel. - Yeah.
- That's amazing. - Yeah.
What, um...
what specific charity did you donate to?
What were the names
of the specific charities?
Children.
What's the, uh...
what's the tax ID number of Children?
Let's just do the stupid song, okay?
? I'm a good person, yes, it's true ?
? I'm a good person, better than you ?
? I'm a good person, can't you see? ?
? Doctors Without Borders don't have nothing on me ?
? I'm a good person, and if you ask why ?
? I'll spit my good right into your eye ?
? Everywhere I go, I spread such bliss ?
? And if you don't think so, you can kiss ?
? My ass ?
? Which is made of good ?
? I'm a good person, that's my thing ?
? My nickname is Mother Teresa Luther King ?
? I'm a good person, get it straight ?
? And when I say "good" ?
? I really mean "great" ?
The best. #HumbleAndBlessed.
? I'm a good, such a good, real good person ?
? I'm a good person through and through ?
? I'm a good, such a good, real good person ?
? Let me hear you say it, too ?
Mom and Dad... Mom and Dad, say I'm a good person,
or I will put you in a terrible nursing home.
I'm a good person.
No.
Okay, just in case we need it for broadcast,
I need you both to say, "You're a good person,"
just in case it's not clear.
Say I'm a good person,
or I'll put you in a nursing home.
And it'll be a bad nursing home, too.
Say it. Say I'm a good person.
- You're a good person. - I'm a good person.
Did you still say "I'm a good person"?
Dad!
Say it. You're...
No!
Dad!
Dad, just, Mom'll cue you.
Okay.
Say it. Say it.
You're a good person!
Oh, my God, thank you... !
? I'm a good, such a good, real good person ?
? I'm a good person through and through ?
? I'm a good, such a good ?
? Real good person ?
? I'm a good person ?
? Get it? Screw you! ?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it is my good-person privilege to introduce...
Donna Lynne Champlin and the Almost-All-Female Orchestra.
Thank you.
I got the pretty dress, y'all.
? When I was a little girl ?
? I felt like a princess ?
? So naive and full of hope ?
? I thought my dreams would come true ?
? But then as I grew ?
? The world was all like ?
? "Nope" ?
But this time, maybe...
just maybe...
? Maybe this dream ?
? Won't lead to disgrace ?
? Maybe this dream ?
? Is in reach ?
? Maybe this dream ?
? Won't poop on my face ?
? Like a seagull ?
? At the beach ?
? Maybe this dream ?
? Won't be like when I go running ?
? And I have to take a dump ?
? So I have to rush home ?
? Plus I also have my period ?
? So I have menstrual cramps ?
? Plus dump cramps ?
? And as I run frantically ?
? I pee ?
? Just a little ?
? Because I've had two babies ?
? So by the time I get home ?
? My undies smell like a sewer rat ?
? Maybe this dream ?
? Won't be ?
? Like that... ?
? Maybe this dream ?
? Will finally make me ?
? Feel... ?
? Like I ?
? Deserve... ?
? A... ?
? Dream... ?
Ah.
How you guys doin'?
Yeah! I love ya!
Oh, I have loved playing Darryl Whitefeather
for the last four years.
But alas, it's time to hang up the spurs.
Aw...
But not just yet!
So how about we show a little bi pride, huh?
Because this is all about feelin' proud
and livin' out loud!
? I don't know how ?
? I don't know why ?
? But I like ladies ?
? And I like guys ?
? I realize ?
? It's a surprise ?
? But now I see that that's just me ?
? It's not like I even try ?
? So if you ask me how I do it ?
? Here is my reply ?
? I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi ?
? I'm gettin' bi ?
? I'm lettin' my bi flag fly ?
? Not gonna hide it ?
? Not gonna lie ?
? I'm a bi kinda guy ?
? There's no reason to be shy ?
? My, oh, my ?
? It's a fact I can't deny ?
? I'm bi, bi, bi ?
? Until the day I die ?
? Now, some may say ?
? Aw, you're just gay ?
? Why don't you just go gay ?
? All the way? ?
? But that's not it ?
? 'Cause bi's legit ?
? Whether you're a he or a she ?
? We might be a perfect fit ?
? So if you ask me how I do it ?
? I'm feelin' peppy ?
? Sprightly, spry ?
? I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi ?
? I'm gettin' bi ?
? I'm gettin' bi, I'm gettin' bi ?
? It doesn't take an intellectual ?
? To get that I'm bisexual. ?
? ?
Yeah!
Whoo!
Love you!
Okay, we'll be right back
soon as we clean up the confetti again.
If anyone wants to actually help me this time,
that'd be great.
- Yeah, we'll help you. - Thank you so much. Thank you so...
- There you go. - Okay.
Oh, my God, you need one more more.
- Okay. - You'll be great.
Take care of yourself. Rachel.
Good luck. You're a star.
Thank you so much.
Itchy Cat, can you help me sweep?
Please?
Itchy Cat?
Let's sweep together. Come on.
Yeah, just sweep it there.
Thank you so much.
You know, maybe I judged yeast infections all wrong.
Thank you so much.
This is a metaphor for something,
but I don't know what.
Oh.
Hello. I...
I totally saw you there.
You know...
when people think of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,
one word comes to mind.
I'm talking about...
"sex."
Ooh!
Did you all just collectively shudder
at that nasty word?
That's right, "sex."
"Doin' it."
"A special hug."
"Half past hump o'clock."
And so we here at Crazy Sex-Girlfriend... ha!
We've prepared for you a little...
sex medley.
Uh!
? It's the sexy gettin' medley song ?
? The sexy gettin' medley song ?
? Ooh ?
? Primpin' and pluckin' ?
? Brushin' and rubbin' ?
? The sexy gettin' medley song ?
? First I make ?
? Everything shiny and smooth ?
? Oh, yeah ?
? 'Cause I want my body ?
? To be so soft for you ?
? Bye-bye, skin ?
? I'm gonna make this night ?
? One you'll never forget, ah ?
? Ass blood ? ? 'Cause, boy ?
? I know you like ?
? An hourglass silhoue... ?
? Ette ?
Ooh, what's happening with my...
? We should definitely not have sex right now ?
? It would complicate the situation ?
- Ooh. - ? It's the adult thing ?
? To not have sex right now ?
? We have the common sense not to have sex right now ?
? I need time to reflect ?
? And I'm in a really weird place ?
But you know what?
Screw it.
? Strip away my conscience ?
? Peel away my values ?
? Rip off my compassion with your teeth ?
? Pound away my morals ?
? Spank off all my kindness, ooh! ?
? Expose the dormant bitch that lies beneath ?
Michael, what are you doing?
It's a sex medley,
so I'm dancing with my sexy electric toothbrushes.
What are... what are you...
what... what are you...
hey, what are you talking about?
That's what that song I sang was about, right?
Electric toothbrushes being so, so sexy.
No.
Michael...
Oh, yeah.
- Michael... - ? Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy, buzzy ?
? Buzzy, buzzy. ?
Michael, no, that song was about pleasing a woman.
What's a woman?
? You devil ?
? Lead me to the dark side ?
? Like a lamb to the slaughter ?
? Then do me in a hot tub ?
? Filled with evil 'stead of water ?
? Let's make war, not love ?
? All night and day ?
? It's hot here in hell, so... ?
Oh. Uh-oh. Something just happened.
Ah, this, uh...
Oh, boy. This might not be the right time to...
do this medley.
Unless you want to have...
? Period sex ?
? Put down a towel ?
? Party till it's dry ?
? With some period sex ?
? Period sex ?
? It's a little gross but I'm less likely to get pregnant ?
? During period sex, period sex ?
? Think of it as just Mother Nature's juice cleanse ?
? Period sex, period sex ?
? Period sex ?
? Sex, sex, sex, sex.
Get off! Get off the stage.
Come on.
Get off!
This is Scott's time now.
Okay.
Speaking of getting off...
? Unfortunately, I want to have period sex with you ?
Okay.
? I don't know what happened ?
? Maybe you lost some water weight ?
? For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list ?
? Let's get this over with ?
? So I can focus on other tasks ?
? Let's have intercourse ?
? Just pretend I'm seducing you ?
Hey, actually, can we not do this big lift coming up?
Oh, my God, my back hurts so bad.
- Good. It's just, I don't like it, either. - Okay.
? Come on, let's quickly have intercourse ?
? So I can move on ?
? With my life ?
Turn around. Let's see the butt. Nice.
Yup. I know. That's what you want.
? My busy life ?
? You and I ?
? Are both highly intelligent people ?
Oh, that's nice.
- ? Although I'm ? - Oh. Oh!
? In much better physical shape ?
? And once we do it it'll be like ?
? Well, that's what that was like ?
? And then you'll hopefully go back ?
? To seeming weird to me ?
? But right now, let's have intercourse ?
Ow, Scott.
? I mean, obviously you want to, too ?
? Just super quickly have intercourse ?
? Good thing I happen to have an old condom in my wallet. ?
You know what?
It's a good thing you have that condom, Scott,
even though it is way too big for you.
Because even though
I am on my period, I can still get pregnant,
because... PSA and fun fact...
Sperm can live in the uterus for up to five days.
- Did somebody say "sperm"? - Oh, no.
? Uh-huh ?
? My sperm is healthy ?
Yeah, yeah. ? My sperm is healthy ?
? My sperm is healthy! ?
That's also another song from the show.
Yeah.
Cool. We'll be right back.
? ?
Oh. Oh!
Oh, they're trying to get me pregnant.
They don't know how it works.
Okay.
Okay, I think this is actually a money shot.
I don't...
No, get off me!
? ?
Get off!
Welcome back from commercial, everyone.
You guys, you guys,
we all know the most important part of yoga is the instructor.
So let us take it back
to season one Valencia, bitches.
? We're in a yoga class ?
? Now is the time to let your mind go blank ?
? And focus instead ?
? On how awesome the yoga teacher is ?
? Look at me, look at me ?
? I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ?
? Look at me, look at me ?
? I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ?
Exhale on another sigh.
Rachel Bloom sucks.
? I do stuff with my body ?
? That no human should be able to do ?
? Like putting my face behind my knees ?
? Turning my hands into a shoe ?
? As the morning sun kisses the lotus ?
? I kiss my own hoo-ha, can you do that? ?
? Greet each day, namaste ?
? Screw you, you're fat! ?
? Look at me, look at me ?
? I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ?
? Look at me, look at me ?
? I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ?
? Look at her, look at her ?
Ah. Ah.
? Look at her, look at her ?
? I'm so much better than you ?
? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah ?
? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah ?
- Om! - ? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah ?
? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah ?
- ? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah - ? I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ?
- ? Nyah-nyah, nyah ? - Om!
? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah ?
? Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah ?
- ? Nyah-nyah, nyah. ? - Om!
You know, um,
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend... We have a lot of fun,
but really, it is, at its heart, an earnest tribute
to the art of musical theater.
From Gilbert and Sullivan
to Hamilton.
We've done neither of those genres.
So when we sat around and we thought,
let's do an actual,
inspirational musical theater song,
we could think of no one better to do it justice
than Miss Vella Lovell.
No. Yeah.
So, no. So, Rachel,
I'm actually not a musical theater person at all.
Um, actually, singing and dancing
makes me V uncomfortable, so...
Oh, okay, Adam.
Uh, guess you could just force me
to sing a song that I don't want to...
? What does the future hold? ?
? What will tomorrow... ?
No. ? Bring me... ?
Don't... Dave...
? Will be told... ?
Please don't dance... okay.
? What song is gonna sing me ?
- I'm gonna do it. - No... okay.
? This is my time to shine, step out of the line ?
? Throw open all the windows ? Wow.
? Might be an uphill climb, but I just got to find ?
? What's at the end... ?
- What... ? - Say it.
- No, no, I don't... - Say "rainbow."
- ? Of this rainbow... ? - Yeah!
? 'Cause the clock just keeps on ticking ?
? It doesn't care that time goes by... ?
You're just following me, okay.
? The clock knows its destiny ?
? So why don't I? ?
Where'd you learn this dance?
? 'Cause today's tomorrow's yesterday ?
? Can't let the future slip... ?
You're psychotic.
? Can't wait to meet whoever I will be... ?
What was that?
? 'Cause I am the moment ?
? The moment is me ?
? David is the moment ?
David is not the moment. This is literally my moment,
it's the title of the song.
Wow.
Wow, look who cares a very lot all of a sudden.
? The moment is ?
? We. ?
- Thank you! - Okay.
David Hull, everyone.
David Hull, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you!
David Hull, everyone!
Oh, Lord.
So,
I think one of the most gratifying things
about doing this show is having people tell us,
um, that-that sometimes, they see things in the show
or hear songs that make them feel, uh, a little less alone.
Um, but what you might not know is,
it's kind of the same thing for the songwriters
and-and the writers, too.
There are certain songs you write, uh,
and lyrics that you write or pieces of dialogue you write
that you're like, "Ugh, am I the only one who's felt this?
Am I, like, the weirdo? Is this gonna go over well?"
And so just know when you say that you feel less alone,
you make us feel less alone.
Really.
? In my life, I've had so many men ?
? But there's one I come back to again and again ?
? We've been on and off ?
? For such a long time ?
? And now he's back ?
? And I'm feeling oh, so fine ?
? He's the darkness ?
? My first love, my true love ?
? The darkness ?
? He knows me better than anyone ?
? He holds me close and whispers things ?
? That I don't want to hear ?
? When I feel the butterflies of dread ?
? I know the darkness is near ?
? Well, Rebecca ?
? You've done it now... ?
Yeah, you guys know this one.
? Karma's come to tap you on the shoulder ?
? All that lying that's been festering ?
? Plus breaking and entering ?
? Is coming now to crush you like a boulder ?
? You ruined everything ?
? You stupid bitch ?
? You ruined everything ?
? You stupid, stupid bitch ?
? You're just a lying little bitch who ruins things ?
? And wants the world to burn ?
? Bitch ?
? You're a stupid bitch ?
? And lose some weight ?
? You ruined everything ?
? You stupid bitch ?
Sing with me!
? You ruined everything ?
? You stupid, stupid bitch ?
Yes, I deserve this!
? You're just a poopy little slut ?
? Who doesn't think and deceives the people she loves ?
? Now he knows I'm not some innocent lamb ?
? He sees me for what I am ?
? Which is a horrible, stupid ?
? Dumb and ugly ?
? Fat and stupid ?
? Simple, self-hating ?
? Bi... ?
? Bitch... ! ?
? I've got my head in the clouds ?
? 'Cause that's where heaven is ?
? No longer stuck in the muck on the ground ?
? I figured out how to live ?
? It's with my head in the clouds ?
? Got no cares anymore ?
? No obligations are holding me down ?
? That's what religion is for ?
? ?
? My puzzle is solved ?
? 'Cause I'm absolved ?
? My life will be splendid now that I've transcended ?
? When things get scary, just say ten Hail Marys ?
? I'm Turin off my shroud ?
Angry!
Feeling bad!
Why do I feel this way?
Angry! Mad!
My heart is hurting!
And it feels... bad!
? ?
Bad!
? The smell of the water, kids screaming with joy ?
? I've hated crap like that since I was a boy ?
? While everyone was laughing and having so much fun ?
? I would mutter "This sucks" till the day was done ?
? I detested most stuff and I still do ?
? You see, I hate everything but you ?
? ?
? I hate the feeling of the sun when it hits my skin ?
? I don't like bands that have a guy on mandolin ?
? I hate when people post pictures ?
? With the hashtag "mood" ?
? I hate when people call blueberries a superfood ?
? I hate when people say, "Ooh, it's magic hour" ?
? Or when people actually stop and smell a flower ?
? I hate white women who call their engagement rings ?
? "Bling," oh, yes ?
? I hate everything but you ?
? I hate the phrase "Love conquers all" ?
? And I hate that it's true ?
? 'Cause I want to not hate things when I'm with you ?
? You love so many things and you have so much fun ?
? It makes me wish my hating days were done... ?
? And there's one thing ?
? I want you to know ?
? ?
? I'll always ?
? Hate guys who name their cars. ?
Ah. Ugh, no.
I hear you, Skylar, I mean, t-this show sucks.
I-I get it, Skylar.
Oh, thanks, randomly overdressed crew guy.
I appreciate it. No, I...
Actually, I'm actually a-a recurring character on the show.
Oh, yes, right. Uh-uh, Dennis.
No, it's Danny, actually, that is my... name.
Uh... you know...
No, 'cause I-I got to tell you,
this show's been a little rough on me, all right?
I-I had to hold a board for Vinnie,
which was absolutely terrifying, and, uh...
No, you know what?
Uh, I-I'm taking over.
Bring out the full orchestra.
Strike my mic stand, Rachel Bloom.
Yes, sir, right away, Mr. Jolles.
I am sorry for the disrespect.
As you gosh-darn should, Rachel.
Give me the coolest lights you guys got.
This is it. It's finally my turn.
? It's me ?
? It's finally me ?
? And no one can say a word ?
? 'Cause this time, I stood up for myself ?
? And I'll finally be heard ?
? Danny won't be ignored ?
? Danny won't be interrupted ?
? Because this time, oh, my God ?
? I finally get to fini... ?
What? Son of a...
Come on!
? For almost 30 years, I've known something was wrong ?
? But Mom said weakness causes bloating ?
? So I tried to be strong ?
? Fake it till you make it ?
? That's how I got by ?
? And when I tried to find the reason ?
? For my sadness and terror ?
? All the solutions were trial and error ?
? Take this pill, say this chant ?
? Move here for this guy ?
? But now there's no need for regret ?
? 'Cause I'm about to get ?
? A diagnosis ?
? Don't tell me "No, sister, you don't fit in" ?
? Doc, prescribe me my tribe, give me my throng ?
? Tell me that this whole time I've belonged ?
? With those other people who share ?
? My diagnosis ?
? What could it be? What could be right? ?
? Schizophrenic or bipolar lite? ?
? I've never heard voices, but maybe it's time to start ?
- You're super cool, Rachel! - Thank you so much.
? Obsessives with numbers, hoarders with cats ?
? I could really rock a tinfoil hat ?
? Perfect they're not, but at least they know who they are ?
? No more bad pills, fads or tricks ?
? Who says there isn't an easy fix? ?
? There kind of is... ?
? From the moment that we learn to walk and speak ?
? Our parents tell us everyone's unique ?
? Now, I'm not saying that advice is bad... ?
'Cause she wrote it.
? But honey, you're not special ?
? 'Cause you're sad ?
? Not special, no, you're not ?
? The butcher, the baker ?
? The grocery clerk ?
? They're all on 20 milligrams or so ?
? The movers, the shakers, the happy homemakers ?
? You'd be surprised how many of them know ?
? Anti-depressants are so not a big deal ?
? Big whoop, you're on an anti-depressant ?
? Sweet cheeks, here's the deal ?
? Welcome to the club with open admission ?
? You're cast in the play that has no audition ?
? Yes, everyone is special, that's usually the sitch ?
? But when it comes to meds, you're such a basic bitch... ?
Watch them tap, y'all, they're fabulous.
? Fluoxetine, Fluoxetine ?
? Paroxetine, paroxetine ?
? Our lawyers won't let us say brand names... ?
And remember, don't be a lawyer.
? Okay ?
? Anti-depressants are so not a big deal ?
? Big whoop, you're on an anti-depressant ?
? Yawn, here's the spiel ?
? Some cry that in the past, we didn't medicate ?
? Everyone... ? Hello.
? Witch trials and the Crusades sound like so much fun... ?
- Come on. - ? Anti-depressants ?
? Are so common ?
? That taking them is all we have in common. ?
Thank you, thank you so much,
Thank you to everyone here and everyone watching this at home.
Thank you for loving us and singing our songs
to your babies and your pets.
Thank you, and have a good night.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --