1 00:00:05,882 --> 00:00:06,945 Shh! You'll wake Lily. 2 00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:08,921 How drunk are you? I told you three times 3 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,085 - she's on that school trip. - I'd feel more confident 4 00:00:11,110 --> 00:00:12,812 - if you weren't also whispering. - Fair point. 5 00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,405 Are... Are you wearing lipstick? 6 00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,016 - Hm? - Am I wearing nail polish? 7 00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:19,236 So, we kind of had a crazy night out. 8 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,664 It started off at this little 9 00:00:20,689 --> 00:00:23,240 under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about. 10 00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,677 Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me." 11 00:00:25,721 --> 00:00:27,288 Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings 12 00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:28,463 that took a shine to us. 13 00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:31,509 They introduced us to the world of underground parties 14 00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:32,771 and $18 cocktails. 15 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,021 - It was so burnt. - Lit. 16 00:00:34,064 --> 00:00:35,078 - Lit. - Lit. 17 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,695 I don't even remember half these bars. 18 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,351 Did we go to a hospital last night? 19 00:00:39,376 --> 00:00:41,179 Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy... 20 00:00:41,204 --> 00:00:43,921 Put a pat of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head back, 21 00:00:43,946 --> 00:00:45,476 and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose. 22 00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:46,699 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 23 00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:48,744 - That's a group text from Binker. - What? 24 00:00:49,546 --> 00:00:50,585 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, my gosh. 25 00:00:50,610 --> 00:00:52,632 The gang wants to get back together and party tonight. 26 00:00:52,657 --> 00:00:54,445 And you said we'd never hear from them 27 00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:56,578 after they saw us in that horrible Denny's lighting. 28 00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:59,537 Okay, we have to play this exactly right... 29 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,452 We don't want to come off too eager, 30 00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:04,368 but we also want to let 'em know we're down to mob. 31 00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:05,775 - Oh, my God. - Cam, you know our rule, 32 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,299 we never go out two nights in a row. 33 00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:09,808 - Yeah, I know, but this is... - We're already pushing it 34 00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,158 by going to that lecture series tonight. 35 00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:12,710 What lecture series? 36 00:01:12,735 --> 00:01:14,552 Alan Greenspan's top aide. 37 00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:16,507 We bought the season pass so we'd get premium seating 38 00:01:16,532 --> 00:01:18,875 to "A Night of Sarcasm with Fran Lebowitz." 39 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,124 Oh, everyone's in. 40 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,258 Look at all those thumbs of colors. They're so woke. 41 00:01:25,359 --> 00:01:26,766 "We're out. Catch you next time"? 42 00:01:26,791 --> 00:01:27,953 Mitchell. 43 00:01:28,164 --> 00:01:29,234 How could you? 44 00:01:29,259 --> 00:01:31,043 Storm out softly. You'll wake Lily. 45 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:45,301 credits 46 00:01:47,005 --> 00:01:49,631 Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. 47 00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:52,721 I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch. 48 00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,792 Surprise her? At the end of the semester? 49 00:01:55,817 --> 00:01:57,527 Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams. 50 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,073 She's gonna be... 51 00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:00,729 thrilled. 52 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,513 Have you ever seen a video of yourself 53 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,994 wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? 54 00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,659 Well, that happened to me recently, and... 55 00:02:07,709 --> 00:02:09,233 it was my personality. 56 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:12,436 For centuries, man has longed to rule the air 57 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,221 like the majestic squirrel. 58 00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:16,397 The wait ends today. 59 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:17,441 Nope. 60 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,834 Uh, but what if we... 61 00:02:18,877 --> 00:02:20,314 - Doesn't matter. - Hey, Mom. 62 00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:21,967 I can pull this off, right? 63 00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:23,317 - Let me. - Oh. 64 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,756 Ah, we're not home. 65 00:02:28,877 --> 00:02:31,063 I made a decision to be less negative. 66 00:02:31,107 --> 00:02:34,252 It's the new me, the girl who says "yes." 67 00:02:34,846 --> 00:02:36,413 Friend went to Mexico for the weekend. 68 00:02:36,438 --> 00:02:37,874 I'm finding the level. 69 00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,174 Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy. 70 00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:42,823 Thanks... I think. 71 00:02:42,848 --> 00:02:44,076 I'm trying to step up my game. 72 00:02:44,101 --> 00:02:45,469 I started seeing someone from work. 73 00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,384 Oh, honey. I don't know 74 00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:48,907 if I think that's such a good idea that... 75 00:02:51,182 --> 00:02:53,229 Never mind. I approve. 76 00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:57,699 I doubt my mom would approve if she knew the whole story. 77 00:02:58,876 --> 00:02:59,877 Pool boy. 78 00:03:00,006 --> 00:03:01,269 I need more towels. 79 00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,052 Right away, ma'am. 80 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:14,803 Done. I just approved another design. 81 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,109 The most luxurious dog bed yet. 82 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:18,112 I call it... 83 00:03:18,137 --> 00:03:19,285 The Top of the Bark. 84 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,987 Ah, that's nice that you can 85 00:03:21,012 --> 00:03:22,612 run your new company at home 86 00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:24,857 in clothes that you can only wear at home. 87 00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:29,513 When men get to a certain age, they stop trying. 88 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,284 I've seen it before. 89 00:03:31,309 --> 00:03:33,329 First, it starts with the clothes, 90 00:03:33,354 --> 00:03:35,693 then the body, then the brain. 91 00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,434 But I can't say anything to Jay, 92 00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,745 because when it comes to his appearance, 93 00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:41,642 he's very sensitive. 94 00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:44,260 Mi amor, I'm back. 95 00:03:44,285 --> 00:03:45,459 Welcome home. 96 00:03:46,681 --> 00:03:47,729 You hate it, right? 97 00:03:47,754 --> 00:03:49,206 I'll shave it. It's a joke. 98 00:03:49,231 --> 00:03:50,721 Stupid! 99 00:03:51,916 --> 00:03:53,407 Good dawning, all. 100 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:54,784 What am I looking at? 101 00:03:54,809 --> 00:03:56,987 Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself? 102 00:03:57,012 --> 00:03:58,581 It's a traditional Tudor collar. 103 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,434 I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, 104 00:04:00,459 --> 00:04:02,315 and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual. 105 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:03,354 I don't hate it. 106 00:04:03,379 --> 00:04:04,721 I think it makes your head 107 00:04:04,746 --> 00:04:07,221 look like one of those fancy cookies. 108 00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:09,831 I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues 109 00:04:09,856 --> 00:04:12,307 and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting. 110 00:04:12,332 --> 00:04:13,635 What happened to hazing? 111 00:04:13,682 --> 00:04:15,429 It used to be macho stuff, you know, 112 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:18,083 like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button 113 00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:21,304 or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks. 114 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,721 Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. 115 00:04:23,746 --> 00:04:25,139 I don't want to jinx it, 116 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:26,687 but a week from now, I could be learning 117 00:04:26,712 --> 00:04:28,592 - the steps of the secret minuet. - Ooh. 118 00:04:28,617 --> 00:04:31,854 This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying. 119 00:04:32,512 --> 00:04:34,253 Jay, what do you think? 120 00:04:34,278 --> 00:04:36,628 We'll go out for a nice lunch, 121 00:04:36,653 --> 00:04:38,394 dress up a little bit. 122 00:04:38,419 --> 00:04:39,745 This feels like an attack. 123 00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,672 All right, that's as gentle as I can go, 124 00:04:41,697 --> 00:04:43,354 I am Colombian, not Canadian. 125 00:04:43,379 --> 00:04:44,745 I got an e-mail from the club. 126 00:04:44,770 --> 00:04:46,862 The older players have taken over the driving range 127 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,963 for bocce weekday mornings. 128 00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,166 So what? You can play golf later. 129 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,627 No, we got a whole group... 130 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:53,958 the Sunrise Swingers. 131 00:04:53,983 --> 00:04:56,034 We meet there at 6:00, hit a bucket. 132 00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:58,041 One of the gals is making up tank tops. 133 00:04:58,072 --> 00:05:00,736 Oh, yay. More casual clothes. 134 00:05:00,770 --> 00:05:02,362 No, I'm going down there, get the support 135 00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:03,431 of some of the other golfers. 136 00:05:03,456 --> 00:05:05,518 - Maybe I can fight this thing. - Okay, good idea, 137 00:05:05,543 --> 00:05:08,737 but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club. 138 00:05:08,762 --> 00:05:10,416 They probably already overturned it. 139 00:05:10,441 --> 00:05:12,002 Ah, the whole place went to hell 140 00:05:12,027 --> 00:05:13,612 when they stopped putting ice in the urinals. 141 00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:15,586 There's just something about destroying a thing 142 00:05:15,611 --> 00:05:16,767 while you're taking a pee 143 00:05:16,792 --> 00:05:18,746 that makes a man feel like a man. 144 00:05:21,651 --> 00:05:23,627 Oh, well, hello there. 145 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:26,174 - Uh, Dad. What are you doing here? - Hi. 146 00:05:26,443 --> 00:05:28,184 I thought I'd take you to lunch. 147 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,352 It wasn't just about lunch. 148 00:05:30,445 --> 00:05:33,162 Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. 149 00:05:33,187 --> 00:05:35,134 And I'm afraid that the distance between us 150 00:05:35,159 --> 00:05:37,061 might grow after she graduates. 151 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,784 Wow. Graduates? 152 00:05:40,151 --> 00:05:42,153 It was just, like, 10 years ago 153 00:05:42,178 --> 00:05:44,612 when she took her first college course. 154 00:05:44,764 --> 00:05:46,070 I really wish you would've called. 155 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,333 I can't go to lunch today. I'm late for... 156 00:05:48,376 --> 00:05:50,944 - an event. - Is that why you're all dressed up? 157 00:05:50,988 --> 00:05:52,554 Yeah. But it's no big deal. 158 00:05:52,598 --> 00:05:54,730 B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper? 159 00:05:54,774 --> 00:05:56,950 Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp. 160 00:05:56,994 --> 00:05:58,560 How is that not bigger news? 161 00:05:58,604 --> 00:06:00,610 It's a fake paper, Dad. 162 00:06:00,635 --> 00:06:01,963 It's senior prank week. 163 00:06:01,988 --> 00:06:03,306 Oh. I wish I'd known that 164 00:06:03,331 --> 00:06:05,502 before I sent your mom this text. 165 00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:07,901 "It's starting. Hide the bananas." 166 00:06:11,682 --> 00:06:14,402 - Seriously?! - The Kepler Award? 167 00:06:14,446 --> 00:06:15,664 Is this where you're going, 168 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,058 'cause it looks like it's a big deal? 169 00:06:18,102 --> 00:06:20,166 It's just a boring reception for finalists. 170 00:06:20,191 --> 00:06:21,877 Well, I love a good reception. 171 00:06:21,902 --> 00:06:23,212 What time are we expected? 172 00:06:23,237 --> 00:06:25,196 Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests. 173 00:06:25,239 --> 00:06:26,588 Says here, "families welcome." 174 00:06:26,632 --> 00:06:27,807 But I didn't RSVP. 175 00:06:27,832 --> 00:06:29,747 Says here, "walk-ins encouraged." 176 00:06:29,886 --> 00:06:32,198 What an informative flyer. 177 00:06:32,223 --> 00:06:34,377 Awesome. Let's do this. 178 00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:40,543 Yoga, right? 179 00:06:40,587 --> 00:06:42,197 No winners, no losers, 180 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,938 no "who's best?" 181 00:06:43,981 --> 00:06:47,010 You want me to tell you that you are the only one 182 00:06:47,035 --> 00:06:49,071 that didn't need help from the teacher? 183 00:06:49,096 --> 00:06:50,140 Was I? 184 00:06:51,213 --> 00:06:53,376 - Janice. Hi. - Hi. 185 00:06:53,401 --> 00:06:55,306 This is Claire, my husband's daughter. 186 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:56,641 - Hi. - Hi. 187 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:59,069 So, that makes Gloria kind of like your stepmother. 188 00:06:59,094 --> 00:07:00,565 Yeah, we don't do that. 189 00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:03,697 Anyways, how is your new boyfriend? 190 00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,095 Pretty great. 191 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,830 I do feel a little awkward 192 00:07:06,874 --> 00:07:08,571 about the age difference, though. 193 00:07:08,615 --> 00:07:10,104 Ooh, which way are we talking? 194 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,737 He's, uh, in his early 20s. 195 00:07:13,343 --> 00:07:14,664 Noice! 196 00:07:14,708 --> 00:07:16,213 Isn't that embarrassing? 197 00:07:16,238 --> 00:07:18,470 No. I say go for it. 198 00:07:18,495 --> 00:07:20,071 Ooh, I like this new Claire 199 00:07:20,096 --> 00:07:21,970 that says "yes" to things. 200 00:07:21,995 --> 00:07:23,847 Before, you would be like, uh... 201 00:07:23,891 --> 00:07:26,079 what is the word for grouchy? 202 00:07:26,104 --> 00:07:27,590 I don't think it matters now. 203 00:07:27,784 --> 00:07:29,524 Early 20s, huh. 204 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,440 Well, you're still beating gravity at that point. 205 00:07:31,465 --> 00:07:33,465 I bet everything is right where it should be. 206 00:07:33,490 --> 00:07:34,938 - Oh, yes. - Yeah. 207 00:07:34,963 --> 00:07:38,587 Check out this selfie he sent of his abs. 208 00:07:38,612 --> 00:07:40,458 Damn! 209 00:07:41,217 --> 00:07:44,237 It's so nice to be with someone who takes care of himself, 210 00:07:44,268 --> 00:07:46,051 not like the guys my age. 211 00:07:46,076 --> 00:07:47,251 Tell me about it. 212 00:07:47,276 --> 00:07:48,938 Jay's starting to give up a little bit. 213 00:07:48,963 --> 00:07:50,784 You know, in the way that he's dressing. 214 00:07:51,073 --> 00:07:52,243 - Mm. - Why don't you bring 215 00:07:52,268 --> 00:07:54,446 your guy by the house to remind Jay 216 00:07:54,471 --> 00:07:57,454 that women like a man that make a little effort. 217 00:07:57,479 --> 00:08:00,040 - Um, well, we're free later today, if that works. - Perfect. 218 00:08:00,065 --> 00:08:02,126 And, Claire, you come, too, so that you help me 219 00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:04,290 nudge Jay in the right direction. 220 00:08:04,315 --> 00:08:05,921 Well, I wouldn't want my first "no" 221 00:08:05,946 --> 00:08:08,456 - to be to my stepmother. - I said we're not doing that. 222 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,331 Cam, hurry! 223 00:08:12,356 --> 00:08:13,338 If we get there early enough, 224 00:08:13,363 --> 00:08:15,135 we get to submit a question about Greenspan. 225 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,552 I got a doozy about stag-flation. 226 00:08:16,577 --> 00:08:18,213 - Just hear me out. - You... 227 00:08:18,238 --> 00:08:20,581 - We decided... - No, you decided. 228 00:08:20,606 --> 00:08:22,620 And, Mitchell, we had so much fun last night. 229 00:08:22,645 --> 00:08:24,166 Lily's gone for one more night. 230 00:08:24,191 --> 00:08:27,063 Let's go out! Come on. Have some fun. 231 00:08:27,088 --> 00:08:28,541 And break our two-night-in-a-row rule? 232 00:08:28,566 --> 00:08:30,525 No, no. I don't think so. 233 00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:32,243 Okay, you slept two hours last night. 234 00:08:32,268 --> 00:08:34,079 You know you hit a wall when you get overtired. 235 00:08:34,104 --> 00:08:36,628 - It's very intense. - You know what I think this is? 236 00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:38,133 I think you're worried that you can't keep up 237 00:08:38,158 --> 00:08:39,735 - with me and my youthful spirit. - Mm. 238 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,891 The other day, you called a refrigerator an icebox. 239 00:08:41,916 --> 00:08:43,680 That's not old, that's country cute. 240 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,970 - Okay. - Let's face it. You were born 50, 241 00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:49,495 and I've always been young at heart. 242 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,584 And you know what? Maybe that's what attracted you 243 00:08:51,628 --> 00:08:54,718 to me in the first place... my boyish charm. 244 00:08:54,761 --> 00:08:57,610 And you were an older, seasoned man who came and... 245 00:08:57,635 --> 00:09:00,126 seduced me, Mr. Robinson. 246 00:09:00,151 --> 00:09:02,204 Okay, yeah, that's a youthful reference. 247 00:09:02,229 --> 00:09:04,165 You should trot that out with your new friends. 248 00:09:04,190 --> 00:09:05,813 Cam, this is so you, okay? 249 00:09:05,838 --> 00:09:07,016 You're running yourself ragged 250 00:09:07,041 --> 00:09:08,634 trying to remain young. 251 00:09:08,659 --> 00:09:10,641 I mean, there's nothing wrong with accepting the fact 252 00:09:10,666 --> 00:09:11,735 that you're getting a little older. 253 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,829 Unless you're admitting it too soon. 254 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,501 You don't want to look up one day and think, 255 00:09:15,526 --> 00:09:17,180 "Oh, what did I forget to do? 256 00:09:17,205 --> 00:09:19,126 Oh, yeah. Live." 257 00:09:19,191 --> 00:09:20,993 Well, you know what? If you need me, 258 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,743 I'm gonna be pre-gaming in Binker's loft in... 259 00:09:23,768 --> 00:09:25,770 an abandoned cannery 260 00:09:25,795 --> 00:09:27,579 in the old pickle district. 261 00:09:27,604 --> 00:09:29,173 - Sounds drafty. - Yeah. 262 00:09:30,313 --> 00:09:32,001 Nice roll. 263 00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:34,813 The bocce situation was worse than I feared. 264 00:09:34,838 --> 00:09:36,165 I had to get the range back 265 00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:38,235 in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers. 266 00:09:38,899 --> 00:09:40,985 Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet. 267 00:09:41,379 --> 00:09:43,555 Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here. 268 00:09:43,668 --> 00:09:45,627 But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, 269 00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:47,712 you're a fellow, uh, 270 00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:49,024 - "swinger." - Excuse me? 271 00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:51,110 No, no, it's okay. I'm cool. It's just that I, uh... 272 00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:53,243 I'm trying to get something started here. 273 00:09:53,268 --> 00:09:55,798 I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, 274 00:09:55,823 --> 00:09:57,399 but I don't mind hosting at my house. 275 00:09:57,424 --> 00:09:59,644 - Are you actually suggesting... - Lady, wake up. 276 00:09:59,669 --> 00:10:01,665 Our way of life is under attack. 277 00:10:01,805 --> 00:10:03,180 Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us 278 00:10:03,205 --> 00:10:04,173 for a decent foursome. 279 00:10:04,198 --> 00:10:05,373 I have to go. 280 00:10:05,398 --> 00:10:06,834 Okay. Well, just think about it. 281 00:10:06,859 --> 00:10:08,712 - That's all. Just think about it. - Okay. 282 00:10:09,069 --> 00:10:10,962 - Worth a shot, huh? - What? 283 00:10:11,259 --> 00:10:12,608 No, that's not what I meant. 284 00:10:12,633 --> 00:10:14,618 Oh, that's what you bocce players are about, huh? 285 00:10:14,643 --> 00:10:16,563 You find something nice, and you ruin it. 286 00:10:19,489 --> 00:10:20,926 That's Dr. Stieglitz. 287 00:10:20,951 --> 00:10:22,823 He makes the final decision on the award. 288 00:10:22,848 --> 00:10:25,571 He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress. 289 00:10:25,596 --> 00:10:27,048 Hey, I know this is your dad talking, 290 00:10:27,073 --> 00:10:28,649 but you're pretty brilliant and scary 291 00:10:28,674 --> 00:10:30,087 and impossible yourself. 292 00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:33,248 Okay. I've made an appearance. 293 00:10:33,273 --> 00:10:35,423 - I think we can go. - Come on, now, Alex. 294 00:10:35,448 --> 00:10:36,813 This is a party in your honor, 295 00:10:36,838 --> 00:10:38,821 and you're here with your own personal cheerleader. 296 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,860 - Dad, I just... - I know how to pump up an academic crowd. 297 00:10:40,885 --> 00:10:42,743 I had to cheer for the debate team once. 298 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,923 "Be persuasive, B-E persuasive." 299 00:10:47,053 --> 00:10:49,204 - "B-E P-E-R-S... " - That's enough. 300 00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:52,571 "Damn. Might as well ask Schrödinger's cat." 301 00:10:55,413 --> 00:10:56,493 Pets. 302 00:10:56,518 --> 00:10:59,180 I once had a macaw that could use a remote control. 303 00:10:59,205 --> 00:11:01,345 Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh... 304 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,938 You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax. 305 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,602 I'm Alex's dad. 306 00:11:05,627 --> 00:11:07,367 Alex, get in here. 307 00:11:07,392 --> 00:11:10,700 Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment 308 00:11:10,725 --> 00:11:13,728 concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics. 309 00:11:14,593 --> 00:11:16,649 Yes, quite, quite. 310 00:11:18,185 --> 00:11:20,509 Where are you all from originally? 311 00:11:20,874 --> 00:11:22,696 It was so embarrassing. 312 00:11:22,721 --> 00:11:24,712 Professor Stieglitz is a genius. 313 00:11:24,737 --> 00:11:27,087 He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him 314 00:11:27,112 --> 00:11:28,829 by saying things like "Quite, quite," 315 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,884 or, "Indeed," or... 316 00:11:30,909 --> 00:11:33,399 Touché, my good man! 317 00:11:33,746 --> 00:11:35,954 But seriously, I-I have a science question 318 00:11:35,979 --> 00:11:38,227 - I've always wondered about. - Uh, maybe keep wondering. 319 00:11:38,252 --> 00:11:41,995 Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby 320 00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,313 that would lift it off the ground? 321 00:11:44,338 --> 00:11:45,594 What? 322 00:11:45,853 --> 00:11:47,418 Oh. I don't want it to float away. 323 00:11:47,443 --> 00:11:49,097 I-I just want it to have fun. 324 00:11:52,776 --> 00:11:54,082 Can we... 325 00:11:55,568 --> 00:11:57,134 Could you do me a favor? 326 00:11:57,159 --> 00:11:59,103 I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, 327 00:11:59,128 --> 00:12:00,864 and someone needs to be there to sign for it. 328 00:12:00,889 --> 00:12:01,977 Can't your roommate do it? 329 00:12:02,002 --> 00:12:03,873 No. She got deported. 330 00:12:03,898 --> 00:12:05,333 I thought she was from Arkansas. 331 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,443 Yeah, but her parents were... traitors. 332 00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:10,325 - Beth and Allen? - Don't feel bad. 333 00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:11,646 We all fell for it. 334 00:12:11,671 --> 00:12:13,794 So you want me to go back to your dorm room 335 00:12:13,819 --> 00:12:15,691 and sit and wait for a package? 336 00:12:15,716 --> 00:12:16,833 Yes. 337 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,647 Oh, sh-shoot, honey. I... 338 00:12:21,568 --> 00:12:25,060 I have a delivery coming back to the house, too, so... 339 00:12:25,683 --> 00:12:26,814 I should run. 340 00:12:27,070 --> 00:12:29,855 - Well, if you have to. - Yeah. I'm so sorry. 341 00:12:30,086 --> 00:12:33,089 But, hey, good luck, okay? 342 00:12:33,806 --> 00:12:35,286 Bye, Dad. 343 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,388 Uh, did I seem a little... 344 00:12:41,413 --> 00:12:43,700 Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah. 345 00:12:44,404 --> 00:12:45,482 So you think I was... 346 00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,031 Like the sum of a group of numbers divided by 347 00:12:47,056 --> 00:12:49,450 the number of those numbers? Mean. 348 00:12:49,545 --> 00:12:52,013 This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina. 349 00:13:01,753 --> 00:13:04,700 Hey. How in the world did you find me? 350 00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:07,443 You know that app you can put on kids' phones to track them? 351 00:13:07,468 --> 00:13:09,992 You put one on my phone after I surprised you today? 352 00:13:10,028 --> 00:13:12,349 Don't make me feel worse than I already do. 353 00:13:13,134 --> 00:13:15,177 Wait a minute. You won?! 354 00:13:15,202 --> 00:13:16,927 Congratulations! 355 00:13:16,952 --> 00:13:19,193 Please don't be happy for me. I can't take it. 356 00:13:19,218 --> 00:13:21,177 I was such a jerk to you. 357 00:13:21,202 --> 00:13:24,278 No, honey, I get it. I, uh... 358 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,130 I know I can be embarrassing. I... 359 00:13:26,453 --> 00:13:28,194 I just get nervous around smart people. 360 00:13:28,219 --> 00:13:29,583 Sometimes even you. 361 00:13:30,550 --> 00:13:32,097 The first time I ever said "quite, quite" 362 00:13:32,122 --> 00:13:33,599 was when you were 6 years old and you just told me 363 00:13:33,624 --> 00:13:35,638 about how plants make carbon dioxide. 364 00:13:35,663 --> 00:13:37,552 This may surprise you, but... 365 00:13:38,042 --> 00:13:39,783 sometimes I wish I was more like you, 366 00:13:40,108 --> 00:13:42,802 the way you're always able to enjoy life. 367 00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:45,628 Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad. 368 00:13:45,653 --> 00:13:47,525 I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him. 369 00:13:47,550 --> 00:13:49,708 And his dad actually suffered 370 00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:51,692 from a smile-induced hernia. 371 00:13:52,424 --> 00:13:53,755 It's prank week, 372 00:13:53,780 --> 00:13:55,911 and I spent the whole time in the library. 373 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,199 Sometimes I feel like I just went through 374 00:13:58,224 --> 00:14:00,096 the four best years of my life, 375 00:14:00,121 --> 00:14:02,167 only I forgot to make them 376 00:14:02,192 --> 00:14:04,107 the four best years of my life. 377 00:14:04,736 --> 00:14:06,153 Well, college isn't over. 378 00:14:07,548 --> 00:14:08,854 And I just may be able to help you 379 00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:10,411 make up for a little lost time. 380 00:14:10,436 --> 00:14:12,176 Hot Wing Trivia's about to start. 381 00:14:12,201 --> 00:14:14,294 I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"? 382 00:14:14,319 --> 00:14:15,320 How did you...? 383 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:16,966 You knew I was coming? 384 00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:19,802 Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app. 385 00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:23,036 And there's one tiny change. 386 00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:25,466 We're actually the MacDunphys. 387 00:14:28,444 --> 00:14:31,621 Only my dad would think that a trivia game... 388 00:14:31,646 --> 00:14:33,691 The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. 389 00:14:34,412 --> 00:14:36,294 ...where you balance hats on your head, 390 00:14:36,837 --> 00:14:38,225 drink beer as a reward... 391 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:39,991 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 392 00:14:40,474 --> 00:14:42,647 ...and eat hot wings as a punishment... 393 00:14:42,672 --> 00:14:44,456 Millard Fillmore! 394 00:14:46,231 --> 00:14:49,403 ...needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent. 395 00:14:49,428 --> 00:14:52,607 Dopey, Sneezy... 396 00:14:52,632 --> 00:14:54,982 and Grumpy? 397 00:14:55,456 --> 00:14:57,317 Yeah! 398 00:14:58,014 --> 00:15:00,103 Whoever said the most important thing in life 399 00:15:00,136 --> 00:15:01,573 is winning awards... 400 00:15:04,553 --> 00:15:06,076 ...wasn't all wrong. 401 00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:13,805 I still remember the day Mr. Greenspan 402 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,876 coined the term "irrational exuberance." 403 00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:19,425 He had taken a longer than usual tub 404 00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:21,844 and, as he sat in the soapy water... 405 00:15:21,869 --> 00:15:23,784 I had made a mistake. 406 00:15:23,809 --> 00:15:25,458 Cam was off on an adventure 407 00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:27,458 while I sat there dying of boredom, 408 00:15:27,483 --> 00:15:31,161 surrounded by people dying of natural causes. 409 00:15:32,072 --> 00:15:33,607 I'm gonna keep the bounce going, okay? 410 00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:35,021 - Keep the bounce going. - Yeah, you know, it's a little more 411 00:15:35,046 --> 00:15:36,661 - sass in the neck, because... - Oh, my gosh! 412 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,224 Mitchell, what are you doing here? 413 00:15:38,249 --> 00:15:40,505 - What about the lecture? - Well, uh, it was deadly. 414 00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:42,208 Yeah, I'm getting old before my time. 415 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,052 Please take me with you! Make me young again! 416 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,286 Oh, my gosh, we're so happy you're here. 417 00:15:46,311 --> 00:15:47,575 - Really? - Yeah, of course. 418 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,690 - No "I told you so"? - No. That's not how my generation does it. 419 00:15:50,715 --> 00:15:52,716 Well, check you out, still going strong. 420 00:15:52,741 --> 00:15:55,178 Yeah, you know what? I think I'm just feeding off the energy, 421 00:15:55,203 --> 00:15:56,411 because I haven't felt this awake in... 422 00:15:56,436 --> 00:15:57,463 - Hold on just a second. - Hm? 423 00:15:57,488 --> 00:15:59,622 Yo, blue guy! Hey, blue shirt! 424 00:15:59,647 --> 00:16:00,996 What's up, bro? Hey! 425 00:16:01,021 --> 00:16:02,501 You looking at me? What do you want to do? 426 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,138 You want to dance? Why is he staring at me? 427 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,904 You know, you know, I don't think he was looking at you. 428 00:16:06,929 --> 00:16:08,409 It seems like he's looking at me. What's... 429 00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,653 Are you getting a little tired? 430 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,161 Oh, please. Can a tired guy do this? 431 00:16:11,186 --> 00:16:13,536 Da! Hey, I love these guys! Whoa. 432 00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:16,544 Oh, did you know Daryl... Daryl's mom was the runner-up 433 00:16:16,569 --> 00:16:18,222 in the Miss Illinois pageant 434 00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:20,513 in 1990?! 435 00:16:20,538 --> 00:16:22,450 ? The year I graduated ? 436 00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:24,085 ? Daryl's mom was hot ? 437 00:16:24,832 --> 00:16:25,927 - Ow! - Fantastic. 438 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:28,091 Cam, I think you might be hitting that wall. 439 00:16:28,116 --> 00:16:29,771 No, no, no, I'm fine. I would... 440 00:16:29,796 --> 00:16:31,614 What's this clown staring at? Hey! 441 00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:33,467 No, no, no, no, no, don't point at me. 442 00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:34,607 I'll rip your finger off 443 00:16:34,632 --> 00:16:36,216 and feed it to your red-headed girlfriend! 444 00:16:36,241 --> 00:16:37,329 - Okay, that is a mirror. - Huh? 445 00:16:37,481 --> 00:16:40,239 And I knew this sweater made me look busty. 446 00:16:40,479 --> 00:16:42,219 Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? 447 00:16:42,244 --> 00:16:43,630 Did somebody put something in my drink? 448 00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:47,239 Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial 449 00:16:47,264 --> 00:16:49,497 scooter jockeys dose me? Huh? 450 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,741 What, you think you can take this tree down, do you? 451 00:16:52,766 --> 00:16:55,029 Well, guess what! I'm a redwood! 452 00:16:55,054 --> 00:16:57,143 That's right, I was here before you were born, 453 00:16:57,168 --> 00:16:58,648 and I'll be here after you're gone! 454 00:16:58,673 --> 00:16:59,638 - Okay, okay. - Yeah! 455 00:16:59,663 --> 00:17:01,419 He gets like this. He just needs a nap. 456 00:17:01,444 --> 00:17:02,568 - Nap time. - Okay. 457 00:17:02,593 --> 00:17:03,986 - Nap. Let's go. - No, I don't want to go, though! 458 00:17:04,011 --> 00:17:05,177 - I like my new friends! - Yeah, I know. 459 00:17:05,202 --> 00:17:07,075 Do you guys like me? 'Cause I like you! 460 00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:08,362 Yeah. I want to stay! Hey! 461 00:17:08,387 --> 00:17:09,518 And I'm really sorry about everything. 462 00:17:09,543 --> 00:17:11,109 - You got to let him go. - No, I'm sorry. 463 00:17:11,134 --> 00:17:12,919 - You got to let him go. It's okay. Thank you. - I'm so sorry. 464 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:15,250 - Bye-bye. - I didn't know you weren't staring at me. 465 00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:17,693 - Shh. It's okay. - No, I don't want to go. 466 00:17:18,802 --> 00:17:21,675 I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society. 467 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,970 Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie. 468 00:17:23,995 --> 00:17:25,161 So it is "methinks." 469 00:17:25,186 --> 00:17:26,318 So, why does Jay correct me 470 00:17:26,343 --> 00:17:27,996 every time I say that? 471 00:17:29,519 --> 00:17:32,958 Jay, we have company! Do not hide in the bedroom. 472 00:17:35,011 --> 00:17:36,099 - Hello. - Hi. 473 00:17:36,124 --> 00:17:37,739 Thank you for coming. 474 00:17:37,764 --> 00:17:40,130 - Where's the boyfriend? - He's just parking. 475 00:17:40,155 --> 00:17:43,158 And, you know, we realized something on the way over, 476 00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:44,794 and it's a little awkward. 477 00:17:45,425 --> 00:17:47,035 Those are my hors d'oeuvres. I'll be back. 478 00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:48,627 - Make yourself a drink. - Okay. 479 00:17:50,389 --> 00:17:51,653 Hey, hot stuff. 480 00:17:51,765 --> 00:17:54,028 Are you sure this isn't a little weird? 481 00:17:54,053 --> 00:17:56,989 Well, I wasn't expecting the couple we'd be helping out 482 00:17:57,014 --> 00:17:59,278 to be my grandpa and his wife, but... 483 00:17:59,303 --> 00:18:00,411 our relationship was gonna be 484 00:18:00,436 --> 00:18:02,236 - out in the open eventually. - Yeah. 485 00:18:02,261 --> 00:18:04,394 I kind of bragged about it to everyone I know. 486 00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:05,632 Oh, you're so sweet. 487 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,294 My daughter. 488 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,028 She wants to have friends over. I said no parties. 489 00:18:11,053 --> 00:18:12,359 Hey, you relax. 490 00:18:14,754 --> 00:18:17,627 Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off. 491 00:18:20,483 --> 00:18:22,006 The lady from the club! 492 00:18:22,031 --> 00:18:23,933 Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband 493 00:18:23,958 --> 00:18:25,656 and things were about to get very awkward, 494 00:18:25,858 --> 00:18:28,386 or she did know and she was here to follow up 495 00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,369 on my accidental proposition. 496 00:18:30,531 --> 00:18:32,191 God, I hate company! 497 00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:34,964 Hey, hot stuff. 498 00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:36,449 Where's your boy toy? 499 00:18:36,474 --> 00:18:39,566 Oh, he's making a phone call. Got to say, though, 500 00:18:39,591 --> 00:18:42,333 I feel kind of awkward because, turns out, 501 00:18:42,358 --> 00:18:44,347 - he's related to Gloria. - What? 502 00:18:45,146 --> 00:18:47,527 My daughter. I have to handle this. Sorry. 503 00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:50,904 Claire, I have big news. 504 00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:53,113 Oh, God. If it's what I think it is, 505 00:18:53,138 --> 00:18:55,113 I don't know if that's a good idea. 506 00:18:55,138 --> 00:18:56,313 I know. People will say 507 00:18:56,338 --> 00:18:58,558 I've taken my love of old things too far. 508 00:18:58,583 --> 00:18:59,793 - Mm-hmm. - But I'm happy. 509 00:18:59,818 --> 00:19:02,647 And not to brag, but I'm the first Latino to get in there. 510 00:19:02,672 --> 00:19:05,714 Oh, boy. I feel sort of responsible for this. 511 00:19:05,739 --> 00:19:08,176 Um, I think it has a little more to do with my performance. 512 00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:09,376 I distinguished myself 513 00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:11,652 when I did literally all the girl parts. 514 00:19:11,677 --> 00:19:14,550 I need to go splash some water on my face. 515 00:19:15,419 --> 00:19:17,290 Wait a minute. Have you been doing sit-ups? 516 00:19:17,315 --> 00:19:18,534 Oh, every night for stamina. 517 00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:20,418 I would not have been able to perform without it. 518 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:22,324 I even threw in some tongue exercises 519 00:19:22,349 --> 00:19:24,074 because my "Shrew" was taking forever. 520 00:19:25,478 --> 00:19:26,506 Oh, God. 521 00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:29,800 - Dad, what are you hiding from? - You'll know after I tell you 522 00:19:29,825 --> 00:19:31,435 what I said to that woman from the club. 523 00:19:31,717 --> 00:19:33,165 What is she doing here? 524 00:19:33,190 --> 00:19:35,746 - She's trying to get you out of those clothes. - You know? 525 00:19:35,771 --> 00:19:37,675 Yes! We talked about it at yoga. 526 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:38,933 It was Gloria's idea. 527 00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:40,597 I just came along to grease the wheels. 528 00:19:40,622 --> 00:19:42,738 What?! I was almost considering it 529 00:19:42,763 --> 00:19:43,938 until you added that part. 530 00:19:43,963 --> 00:19:45,648 I gotta splash water on my face. 531 00:19:47,247 --> 00:19:49,113 This place is dead. Want to bounce? 532 00:19:49,138 --> 00:19:50,535 No, we don't have to be around 533 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,425 a big group of people to have fun. 534 00:19:53,878 --> 00:19:55,318 Luke, no! 535 00:19:55,343 --> 00:19:57,127 She has a boyfriend. 536 00:19:57,152 --> 00:19:58,504 Yeah, me. 537 00:19:58,529 --> 00:20:01,184 No, it's some young guy from the club... 538 00:20:01,209 --> 00:20:02,350 Oh, boy. 539 00:20:04,149 --> 00:20:06,472 Gloria, do you know 540 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:08,369 what's going on with Manny? 541 00:20:09,011 --> 00:20:11,941 Uh, do you think that he can keep that a secret? 542 00:20:11,966 --> 00:20:14,816 They have to wear all kind of weird outfits 543 00:20:14,841 --> 00:20:16,363 every time they do it. 544 00:20:16,594 --> 00:20:17,972 Hey, Ma. 545 00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:21,910 Luke... Luke, get your hands off Manny's girlfriend. 546 00:20:21,935 --> 00:20:23,800 - That's not my girlfriend. - What? 547 00:20:23,825 --> 00:20:25,355 Then what were we just talking about? 548 00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:27,738 The Elizabethan Society. M-My first meeting's tonight. 549 00:20:27,763 --> 00:20:30,410 - I'm so confused. - It's plain as day. 550 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:33,636 This woman is here to swing with me. 551 00:20:33,661 --> 00:20:35,750 That's it. That's where I draw the line. 552 00:20:35,775 --> 00:20:37,605 How did this happen? 553 00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,011 I'll tell you how this happened. 554 00:20:39,036 --> 00:20:41,213 Because nobody was willing to say 555 00:20:41,238 --> 00:20:43,480 what needs to be said. 556 00:20:43,505 --> 00:20:45,725 No. No. No. 557 00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:47,100 And hell no. 558 00:20:53,638 --> 00:20:55,925 It's how you feel about the B-minus, Denise, 559 00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:57,886 not how your mother and I feel about it. 560 00:20:57,911 --> 00:21:00,506 No, I'm not saying no to the Amsterdam trip. 561 00:21:00,706 --> 00:21:02,785 Yeah, it sounds like a fun summer, 562 00:21:02,810 --> 00:21:05,933 but how is that gonna look on a college application? 563 00:21:06,592 --> 00:21:07,933 We'll talk about it later. 564 00:21:08,378 --> 00:21:10,332 Of course I'm proud of you. 565 00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:12,187 Hey, Mom. 566 00:21:12,212 --> 00:21:13,605 Hey, Luke. Honey, would you mind getting me 567 00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:15,339 that salad bowl off the top shelf? 568 00:21:15,364 --> 00:21:16,324 Yep. 569 00:21:16,349 --> 00:21:17,957 I know I'm the only one, 570 00:21:17,982 --> 00:21:20,071 but it is my favorite. 571 00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:22,379 Don't apologize, Mom. You know what you like. 572 00:21:22,678 --> 00:21:24,308 Never mind. I'm good. 573 00:21:26,413 --> 00:21:32,515 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com