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- Sync and corrections by ByDem -
- www.addic7ed.com -

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D'oh!

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Each year, one graduate
receives the prestigious

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Golden Baton Award
for the most impressive

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future conductor.

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But this year,
we have two worthy recipients.

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Two?

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That's right.

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Gustavo Dudamel and local wunderkind,

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Mr. Dewey Largo.

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I'm sure you will each achieve
tremendous renown.

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No, wait.

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I believe that one of you will.

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And the other will fail
and have a horrible life

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as a public school music teacher.

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Oh... Dudamel.

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Dudamel. Yo-Yo Ma!

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Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet.

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You're having that dream again?

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Oh, it's so cruel that my only triumph

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has become my recurring nightmare.

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Oh, darling, you're cursed
with the memory of an elephant.

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And the wrinkles to match.

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Can't you just wake me
with a slice of melon

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and a drop of affection?

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Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy
of the Morning Breath.

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Now, Petal, don't forget
to call the dog walker.

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Tell him to come early.

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And easy on the leash.

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Oh, it's on my list.

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Also, don't forget to call
someone about the water bill.

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I suspect a sputtering spigot.

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You know, you are home all day.

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Hence my annoyance.

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Now, if you'll excuse me,
Pinterest awaits.

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Oh, shut up, Sir Winston,

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or there'll be no cigar for you.

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Dear Mr. Largo, I
am the musical director

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of the Capital City Philharmonic.

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I've heard you've got talent.
Big talent, major chops,

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the goods.

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So I'll be attending
your concert tomorrow night.

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Intriguingly yours, Victor Kleskow.

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P.S. I will be bringing
an outside beverage.

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Large, icy, nonalcoholic.

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Okay, gang.

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Our recital's tomorrow,
and we're gonna be ready.

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And if you play the way
I know you're capable of,

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you'll never see me again.

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You have hidden talent
bubbling inside you,

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and this baton will pop it right out.

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Sherri, more fortissimo.
Terri, more pianissimo.

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Milhouse, don't forget to tune your...

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What the heck are you playing?

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No one really knows.

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Well, then, wear it on your head.

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Here we go. I'm gonna do something

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I've never done as a teacher
before: actually try.

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One, two, three, four.

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_

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_

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Are you sure we're at the right school?

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I mean, they sound good.

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Oh, my gosh, it's bearable.

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Sir? Did it move you?

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Skinner, didn't I ask for a buffer chair

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between you and me
at all of these events?

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Uh-uh. Buffer.

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Brilliant. How did you manage it?

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It was good, wasn't it?

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Let's just say I separated
the wheat from the chaff.

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I'm in the F hole.

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Oh, Salieri, patron saint of losers,

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runners-up and also-rans,

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please let this Garfunkel
become a Simon,

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this Pepsi become a Coke,

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and this ugly duckling
conduct Swan Lake.

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Hi. Victor Kleskow. We're conductors,

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so don't shake hands;
just a friendly wave

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on the beat of four,
three, two and done.

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I'm honored, maestro.

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Let's cut to the chase.

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That was good... middle school good.

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Tonight, I witnessed
a once-in-a-semester talent

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that I must add to my organization.

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- Dewey...
- Uh-huh.

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have to keep talking,
or can I meet Lisa Simpson?

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But-but-but she's a child.

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Yes, I'm scouting talent
for our youth philharmonic.

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Surely, you didn't think I wanted you?

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No, no, of course not.

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Lisa's right over there.

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Red dress, intelligent expression.

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Can't miss her.

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Mr. Largo, he picked me.

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I'm sorry.

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I'm really glad you get to represent us.

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It's like a little piece of me
is taking a baby practice step.

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That is so generous.

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Yes, yes, there is an upside
to having a broken spirit.

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Mr. Kleskow said my articulation

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was the best he's ever heard.

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He said I sounded like a young
Cannonball Adderley.

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Ooh, is that the raccoon
on Saturday morning cartoons?

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I'm talking about
the famous jazz musician.

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I don't know who you're talking about.

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The guy I'm thinking of
would make himself into a ball

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and knock over all the crows.

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Homie, this class is 30 miles each way.

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We can do it!

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I'll practice in the car.

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60 miles in the car
with Lisa practicing.

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I've got a symphony for you.

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? Sucks to be you ?

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? Sucks to be you, sucks to be you ?

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? Sucks to be you, sucks to be you. ?

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We can't afford a babysitter every day.

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Bart will have to come along.

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And Maggie, too.

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Well, I got to ask.

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Should we really sacrifice
everything for a gifted child?

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We'll always regret it if we don't.

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- Okay.
- I wanted you to argue with me.

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Youth orchestra costs $200 a month.

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Where's that money gonna come from?

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Well, I have an idea,
but you might not like it.

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Remember the show Breaking Bad?

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About a dad who was desperate for money?

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Homer, no.

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Marge, yes, I can do it.

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I can sell my box set.

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We haven't even listened
to the commentaries.

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Okay, not that.

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I could always switch to a double shift

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and work nights at the plant.

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Isn't that dangerous to your health?

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You think I'm in danger?

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I am the danger. I'm the one who knocks.

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Well, that's so protective.

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It's also a quote from Breaking Bad.

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You are really far behind.

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_

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And Jesus said

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unto the Samaritan woman...

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Good, good. When the Spanish station

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overpowers the Christian one,
we're getting close to the city.

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Why do I have to be here?

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I specifically
didn't get good at anything

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to avoid drives like this.

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If you were me,
would you trust you home alone?

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Hmm.

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- Who's the new girl?
- What does she play?

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Too small for a tuba.

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- Too big for a flute.
- Well, maybe it's her lunch.

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- Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson.
- Shh.

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He might hear you.

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- Are you okay?
- Don't tell him I'm sick.

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The sick are left to die.

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Wow, even the violas are tense.

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Everyone, say hello to Lisa Simpson.

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She's an actual musician, so she will be

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a strange and wonderful creature
to the rest of you.

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We'll start with one of the classics.

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Theme from Knight Rider,
second movement, bar 47.

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One, two, three, four.

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I may have misspoken.

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Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp

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or a G flat that you played?

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Well, that's a trick question,

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because they're the same.

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Oh, we have a music scholar
in our midst.

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You're right, they are the same.

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And if only you had played
either one of them!

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Sorry?

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No, no, no. It's my fault.

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I've been too soft on you, Lisa.

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I've been letting you coast
for almost two minutes.

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That ends now. Lisa alone,
theme from Moonlighting,

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second movement, andante!

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Ow. Ow. Ow.

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- Ow. Ow.
- Bart.

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- Bart.
- Just killing time.

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Ow. Ow. Ow.

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Ow. Ow.

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Lisa.

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Lisa, sweetie, are you okay?

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He yelled at me, humiliated me
in front of everyone.

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And then...

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I never played better!

196
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Aw, so we're doing this every day?

197
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- I guess so.
- Oh, man.

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I've already got seat cushion butt.

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Look. I sat on a nickel.

200
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You can see the date.

201
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That's a buffalo nickel.

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It's really valuable.

203
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Threw it in the gutter.

204
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Coins are boring.

205
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Hey, welcome to the night shift.
What are you in for?

206
00:10:10,542 --> 00:10:12,177
Because I hit the jackpot.

207
00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:15,312
My kid's got a big future with the jazz.

208
00:10:15,346 --> 00:10:18,149
Oh, I hear you, you'll do
anything for your kids.

209
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:19,451
Then they turn on you.

210
00:10:19,484 --> 00:10:22,153
Well, I am through. Happily estranged.

211
00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:25,662
Is that my kids? Oh, boy.

212
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,192
Steam valve.

213
00:10:27,225 --> 00:10:28,793
It's never them.

214
00:10:28,826 --> 00:10:31,296
It's pretty dark in here.
Can we turn on some more lights?

215
00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:33,833
Uh, no. The company
can't afford the power.

216
00:10:33,858 --> 00:10:35,527
Aren't we a power company?

217
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:38,099
Never get high on your own supply.

218
00:10:43,073 --> 00:10:45,442
Uh, Mom, I think Maggie
wants to go home.

219
00:10:45,475 --> 00:10:47,748
Maggie, is that what you want?

220
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:53,529
Let's go home! Let's go home!

221
00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:56,176
I'm sorry, is this annoying you?

222
00:10:56,201 --> 00:10:59,191
Ma'am, day care is happy
to watch your son.

223
00:10:59,216 --> 00:11:00,927
Bart Simpson, well-behaved child.

224
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,005
Please don't Google me.

225
00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:03,294
In you go!

226
00:11:05,018 --> 00:11:07,990
Who are you losers, and why am I
locked in here with you?

227
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:09,475
We're the siblings.

228
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,870
Our brothers and sisters
are the talented ones.

229
00:11:11,903 --> 00:11:15,524
Do you know what it's like being
second banana to a third chair?

230
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:17,115
Shut up, Miles.

231
00:11:18,871 --> 00:11:20,540
Hey, I don't belong here.

232
00:11:23,412 --> 00:11:25,317
You're one of us.

233
00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:29,486
One of us. One of us.

234
00:11:29,511 --> 00:11:32,049
- Afterthought.
- Also-ran.

235
00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,391
Second string.

236
00:11:33,423 --> 00:11:35,365
Unwanted child.

237
00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:41,949
You're pretty well-dressed for a kid.

238
00:11:41,974 --> 00:11:43,099
I'm a parent.

239
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:45,888
A prize-winning novelist
with no musical talent.

240
00:11:48,273 --> 00:11:49,419
All right, first order of business,

241
00:11:49,444 --> 00:11:50,883
do we have any chair challenges?

242
00:11:50,908 --> 00:11:53,010
Excuse me, what's a chair chall...

243
00:11:53,043 --> 00:11:55,418
Great, our first volunteer,
out for blood.

244
00:11:55,443 --> 00:11:57,951
Lisa versus Brian,
winner gets first chair.

245
00:11:57,976 --> 00:12:01,119
- Lisa, how could you?
- No, I didn't mean to.

246
00:12:01,152 --> 00:12:04,122
Go, go, go, or I'll call you
both Ubers back to Loser Town.

247
00:12:04,154 --> 00:12:06,790
Damn it, surge pricing.
I'll call it in later. Go!

248
00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:13,365
I've heard enough.

249
00:12:13,398 --> 00:12:16,637
Brian, that was perfect...
for second chair.

250
00:12:16,662 --> 00:12:18,202
Lisa, you have his spot.

251
00:12:18,235 --> 00:12:20,572
- I had a good run.
- No, you didn't.

252
00:12:20,605 --> 00:12:22,574
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

253
00:12:22,606 --> 00:12:24,607
Never apologize for talent.

254
00:12:24,632 --> 00:12:27,160
Did Mozart apologize?
I don't know. I wasn't there.

255
00:12:27,185 --> 00:12:29,252
And even if I was,
I'd have been pushing a plow.

256
00:12:29,277 --> 00:12:31,246
You think everyone gets
to hang out with Mozart?

257
00:12:35,576 --> 00:12:36,721
Whoo-hoo! First chair.

258
00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:43,373
Well, I'm off to the night shift.

259
00:12:43,398 --> 00:12:46,933
I'll miss you most of all,
prime-time TV.

260
00:12:46,958 --> 00:12:50,301
- Dad, do my feelings matter?
- Of course they do.

261
00:12:50,326 --> 00:12:52,933
We just don't have
as much time for them as usual.

262
00:12:52,958 --> 00:12:54,990
Go ahead, tell me what you're thinking.

263
00:12:55,015 --> 00:12:57,013
- Well, I...
- I hear you, I understand you,

264
00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:58,919
- and I love you.
- But I...

265
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,119
Just put the rest
on my Father's Day card.

266
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:03,270
Mwah. I'll see you at breakfast.

267
00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:07,184
There's nothing worse
than being the parent

268
00:13:07,217 --> 00:13:09,221
of a kid with promise.

269
00:13:10,888 --> 00:13:13,566
Oh, gosh. I've been so selfish.

270
00:13:13,591 --> 00:13:16,285
That's right. The only one
who should monopolize

271
00:13:16,310 --> 00:13:18,621
this family's time and attention is me,

272
00:13:18,646 --> 00:13:20,449
because I could go at any moment.

273
00:13:20,474 --> 00:13:21,793
Unless I keep talking.

274
00:13:21,818 --> 00:13:23,615
Talking, talking, talking.

275
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,193
That's what keeps
the grim reaper at bay.

276
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:31,746
I saw quite a bit of the
grim reaper back in the war.

277
00:13:31,771 --> 00:13:35,051
Back then, we called him
The Ticket Out of Germany.

278
00:13:35,076 --> 00:13:38,615
But the seating was cramped
and the food was lousy.

279
00:13:38,649 --> 00:13:41,873
And that was the start
of American Airlines.

280
00:13:51,513 --> 00:13:53,880
Maggie, what are you doing?

281
00:13:55,056 --> 00:13:56,348
I'll help her, Mom.

282
00:13:57,684 --> 00:13:59,037
Help! Help!

283
00:13:59,070 --> 00:14:02,160
I was promised ice cream 50 miles ago.

284
00:14:03,465 --> 00:14:04,770
We're here.

285
00:14:10,108 --> 00:14:11,325
Homie?

286
00:14:11,770 --> 00:14:14,503
Everything's breakfast all the time.

287
00:14:14,528 --> 00:14:17,196
Eggs. All I'm eating are eggs.

288
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:20,091
I think it's turning my skin yellow.

289
00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:23,053
Homie, are we sacrificing
our family's happiness

290
00:14:23,094 --> 00:14:25,028
for the sake of one member?

291
00:14:25,062 --> 00:14:27,480
When Lisa's making millions of dollars

292
00:14:27,505 --> 00:14:30,501
playing for the Utah Jazz,
it'll be worth it.

293
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:33,504
The Jazz is a basketball team.

294
00:14:33,529 --> 00:14:34,708
No, it's...

295
00:14:41,077 --> 00:14:43,942
Oh, my God, what have we done?

296
00:15:13,076 --> 00:15:14,812
Okay, listen up, you guys want to be

297
00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,630
in your siblings' shadows
your whole life?

298
00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:17,823
Yes.

299
00:15:17,848 --> 00:15:19,684
It's cool in the shadow.

300
00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:21,627
Well, I'm gonna tell you
how to get attention.

301
00:15:21,652 --> 00:15:23,901
- Are you sure?
- That sounds risky.

302
00:15:23,926 --> 00:15:25,490
I don't know about that.

303
00:15:25,523 --> 00:15:27,745
Here's what you do: misbehave.

304
00:15:27,770 --> 00:15:29,401
Call your dad by his first name.

305
00:15:29,426 --> 00:15:30,989
If it's sticky, spill it.

306
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,455
Make a shirttail wiener.

307
00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:35,112
- Yes!
- I'll do it!

308
00:15:35,137 --> 00:15:36,020
Yeah!

309
00:15:36,045 --> 00:15:37,387
Simpson, a word?

310
00:15:37,668 --> 00:15:40,700
About your time with this band,
I am afraid it's almost up.

311
00:15:40,725 --> 00:15:42,060
Are you kicking me out?

312
00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:44,262
I wish. Ending people's musical careers

313
00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:45,620
is why I got into music.

314
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,480
But no, your sin
is having a birthday soon.

315
00:15:47,505 --> 00:15:49,480
You have to audition to move up
to the next group.

316
00:15:49,514 --> 00:15:51,448
- How old are they?
- Nine to 14.

317
00:15:51,481 --> 00:15:53,116
And then what's the group after that?

318
00:15:53,149 --> 00:15:55,119
Fame, fortune,
an affair with Hans Zimmer.

319
00:15:55,152 --> 00:15:58,083
Well, sir, I'm ready
for all but the last one.

320
00:15:58,108 --> 00:16:00,011
You think you're ready? In nine to 14,

321
00:16:00,036 --> 00:16:01,359
we play notes you've never heard of.

322
00:16:01,392 --> 00:16:04,753
M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G,
Frank, Frank Natural.

323
00:16:04,778 --> 00:16:06,464
And those are just
the ones you can hear.

324
00:16:06,496 --> 00:16:08,628
I know you're playing
mental games with me,

325
00:16:08,653 --> 00:16:10,168
and I take it as flattery.

326
00:16:10,201 --> 00:16:12,836
Smart. Always smart.
Well, this isn't a game!

327
00:16:12,870 --> 00:16:14,371
It'll cost your parents more money,

328
00:16:14,404 --> 00:16:16,473
and it's a half hour
farther from everywhere.

329
00:16:17,090 --> 00:16:19,843
Oh, well, I guess I better
talk to my family, then,

330
00:16:19,876 --> 00:16:22,700
and tell them the, uh... the good news.

331
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,026
Auditions are Tuesday.
I sense you're conflicted.

332
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:27,546
I was conflicted once.
Band leader or prison guard?

333
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:29,833
I chose the one
where I could be more cruel.

334
00:16:31,977 --> 00:16:35,114
So tired and irritable.

335
00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:38,096
Shut up. You shut up.

336
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,005
The usual, sir?

337
00:17:21,038 --> 00:17:22,105
Thank you, Lloyd.

338
00:17:22,138 --> 00:17:23,875
And let me say, no one enables

339
00:17:23,907 --> 00:17:26,043
a descent into madness better than you.

340
00:17:26,076 --> 00:17:27,377
I understand the family's

341
00:17:27,411 --> 00:17:29,547
getting to be a bit of a problem.

342
00:17:29,579 --> 00:17:31,505
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

343
00:17:32,282 --> 00:17:35,739
I hear radiation poisoning
is a painless way to go.

344
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:39,505
Maybe sprinkle a little
plutonium in the salad.

345
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:41,973
- I don't eat salad.
- Exactly.

346
00:17:43,769 --> 00:17:44,998
I see.

347
00:17:46,778 --> 00:17:48,823
- No, I don't.
- Kill your family.

348
00:17:48,848 --> 00:17:51,284
- How do I do that?
- With the plutonium.

349
00:17:51,309 --> 00:17:53,704
- Well, where do I put it?
- In the salad.

350
00:17:53,738 --> 00:17:57,275
- To what end?
- To kill your family!

351
00:17:57,307 --> 00:18:00,044
Just what are you driving at?

352
00:18:11,588 --> 00:18:13,394
Simpson, what the hell are you doing?

353
00:18:13,419 --> 00:18:14,558
Get back to your post.

354
00:18:14,592 --> 00:18:16,378
Geez, I nearly went insane

355
00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:19,330
just to put my kid
in an after-school music class.

356
00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:21,164
I'm beginning to think
it's not worth it.

357
00:18:21,205 --> 00:18:23,981
- Please, don't fire me.
- Oh, don't worry.

358
00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:26,753
What happens on the night shift
stays on the night shift.

359
00:18:26,778 --> 00:18:28,675
I'm not gonna hurt you.

360
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,894
I'm just gonna bash your brains in.

361
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:35,346
There's our head of human resources now.

362
00:18:38,739 --> 00:18:40,250
Well, this is it.

363
00:18:40,284 --> 00:18:43,808
If she makes it, it's five more
years at least of driving.

364
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:47,020
I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch
to calm her down.

365
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,872
Oh, my God, she has talent, too.

366
00:18:49,897 --> 00:18:52,434
- What are you looking at?
- Uh, nothing.

367
00:18:53,936 --> 00:18:55,465
Make something else.

368
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,301
I'm doing it. I'm gonna make it.

369
00:19:02,043 --> 00:19:04,544
Oh, but if I keep being this good,

370
00:19:04,569 --> 00:19:08,186
it'll mean more practice
and more driving

371
00:19:08,211 --> 00:19:11,449
and more resentful looks from the baby.

372
00:19:11,481 --> 00:19:13,550
Wonder what I'm gonna do.

373
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:16,028
Ugh, I hate defining moments.

374
00:19:22,358 --> 00:19:23,684
Stop! That's it, you failed.

375
00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:25,204
Have fun playing
for nickels on the street

376
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:26,463
at the corner of Good But Not Great

377
00:19:26,497 --> 00:19:27,832
and Disappointment Boulevard.

378
00:19:27,865 --> 00:19:29,400
You don't exist for me anymore.

379
00:19:29,432 --> 00:19:31,729
You're pretty mean for a teacher.

380
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,669
Yeah. You should see me as a father.

381
00:19:34,672 --> 00:19:36,315
So, guess this is the last time

382
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:38,142
we're doing this drive.

383
00:19:38,174 --> 00:19:40,036
Lisa, are you okay?

384
00:19:40,061 --> 00:19:42,187
Sure. Fine. Never been better.

385
00:19:43,075 --> 00:19:45,487
Hmm. You weren't crazy enough
to fail on purpose

386
00:19:45,512 --> 00:19:47,956
just to make life better
for the rest of us?

387
00:19:47,988 --> 00:19:50,136
I'm fine. Probably, if I'd gotten it,

388
00:19:50,161 --> 00:19:53,337
all that work would have
killed my love for music.

389
00:19:53,362 --> 00:19:56,559
Or I think you would have gotten
better and loved it more.

390
00:19:57,269 --> 00:19:58,551
I know I loved that.

391
00:19:58,576 --> 00:20:00,864
And I love that I drove you to violence.

392
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:04,206
Don't make me come back there!

393
00:20:04,231 --> 00:20:05,663
You wouldn't fit, fatso.

394
00:20:05,688 --> 00:20:07,157
Oh, wouldn't I?

395
00:20:12,656 --> 00:20:14,630
Maggie, are we good?

396
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:17,115
Oh, wow.

397
00:20:30,652 --> 00:20:33,575
Why does this car
always smell of cheese puffs?

398
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,075
Is someone sad-snacking
when he drives alone?

399
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,402
It's not like I have anyone
making me breakfast.

400
00:20:38,427 --> 00:20:40,348
But we're almost home,
so close your eyes.

401
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:41,317
There's a big surprise.

402
00:20:41,342 --> 00:20:43,245
- Come on, close them.
- This is silly.

403
00:20:43,270 --> 00:20:44,294
Close them!

404
00:20:44,319 --> 00:20:45,442
Oh, Petal.

405
00:20:46,497 --> 00:20:47,887
Surprise.

406
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,059
A man, for me?

407
00:20:50,084 --> 00:20:52,921
No. I changed the locks,
and I'm kicking you out.

408
00:20:52,946 --> 00:20:55,723
But-but who gets Sir Winston?

409
00:20:56,098 --> 00:20:58,364
His name is Poochini.

410
00:20:58,505 --> 00:21:00,144
Very well. Poochini it is.

411
00:21:01,184 --> 00:21:05,166
That's all I ever wanted. I love you.

412
00:21:05,308 --> 00:21:12,308
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