1 00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,621 It's crazy times, guys, crazy times. 2 00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,275 So one side is saying, 3 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:17,278 "Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns. 4 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:20,846 "Maybe normal civilians shouldn't have machine guns, 5 00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:24,720 and only soldiers who are in an active ground war." 6 00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,515 And then the other side is saying, 7 00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,179 "Well, you can't take away machine guns 8 00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:29,986 "because of the Second Amendment. 9 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,554 "The Second Amendment, you can't regulate guns 10 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,556 because of the Second Amendment." 11 00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,559 So, to be clear, your argument is 12 00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:40,475 that guns should have no regulations on them 13 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,485 because of the Second Amendment, 14 00:00:42,528 --> 00:00:44,740 which literally starts with the words, 15 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:48,352 "A well regulated." 16 00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:50,006 That's literally how it starts! 17 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,531 And the whole amendment has 27 words, 18 00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:57,013 and three of them are "a," "well," 19 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,363 and "regulated." 20 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,062 That's 11.1%, folks. 21 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,656 You know? 22 00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:05,978 I know what this guy's thinking. 23 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,374 This guy's like, "But, Samir, 24 00:01:08,418 --> 00:01:10,418 11.1% isn't that much." 25 00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:12,985 But imagine you're on a plane, 26 00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:15,249 and halfway through your journey, the pilot comes on 27 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,859 and he's like, "Hey, folks. 28 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,600 "Classic good news, bad news. 29 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,863 "Good news, we'll be getting you 30 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,213 89% of the way there. 31 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,041 Bad news, that puts us 32 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,391 at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 33 00:01:39,687 --> 00:01:42,145 All right. That's my time. Thank you. 34 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,327 Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown. 35 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,502 No ice. 36 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:58,248 Looking good, Tiff. Huh? 37 00:01:58,292 --> 00:01:59,969 - Special occasion, huh? Come on. - Perfect. Thank you. 38 00:02:00,012 --> 00:02:01,817 Leave me alone. 39 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,732 Let me try some new stuff on you. 40 00:02:05,171 --> 00:02:07,156 Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh? 41 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,133 'Cause I'd like to bury my face in those boobs. 42 00:02:09,176 --> 00:02:11,218 Okay. Okay. 43 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,785 Okay, here's some advice if you want some: 44 00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,918 maybe you should try putting some jokes in there. 45 00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,486 Yeah, well, I don't want to do jokes about cats versus dogs, 46 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:19,878 and New York versus L.A., 47 00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,098 and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay? 48 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,100 Didi? If you don't make people think, 49 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,058 your comedy's never going to matter. 50 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,886 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. 51 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,932 People like my act, okay? 52 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,761 - I have 59,000 followers. - Mm-hmm. 53 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,806 So I should be more like Joe Donner 54 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,460 - and murder some people? - Come on, what? 55 00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:38,434 Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer. 56 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,614 No, thanks. 57 00:02:39,658 --> 00:02:40,812 Come on, baby. 58 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,466 Come on, he didn't. 59 00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,251 He didn't. 60 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:47,776 What? 61 00:02:48,756 --> 00:02:50,648 The legal system ruled it wasn't murder. 62 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,128 Yeah, they fucked that up. 63 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,216 But you know what? 64 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,479 That is exactly your problem, Samir. 65 00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:56,654 Funny is funny. 66 00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:57,742 And that dude... 67 00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,223 not you, but that dude... 68 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,352 is funny. 69 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,227 Okay? 70 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,648 No, that's... 71 00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,144 Okay. Well, good talk. 72 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,798 Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail 73 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,191 and, uh, send it to the ocean? 74 00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,541 Yeah, sure. Hey, could you suck my vagina? 75 00:03:16,409 --> 00:03:18,285 What matters is not followers. 76 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,678 - What matters is adjusted... - Gross income. 77 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,915 Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel... 78 00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:26,380 JC Wheeler. 79 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:29,426 Ah. In the fleshy flesh. 80 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,601 Oh, man, I... 81 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:31,994 Hey, can... hey, 82 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,997 I am such a fan of yours. 83 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,478 I mean, I know everyone's a fan of yours, but I'm the... 84 00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,610 - Thank you. - How's your day? 85 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,177 What've you been doing? 86 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,267 Man. You were everywhere and then you just disappeared. 87 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,313 You had it all. What happened? 88 00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:49,054 I had it all. 89 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,077 - Hey, I saw your set. - Oh, you did? 90 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:56,192 Oh, man... feel free to tell me to go fuck myself, 91 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,976 but if you have any notes for me 92 00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,630 or anything, I'll give you anything. 93 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,023 I'll give you my dog. 94 00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,286 Well, it's not my dog. It's my girlfriend's dog. 95 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,679 But we've been dating since high school, 96 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,028 so it's basically my dog. 97 00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,464 My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog. 98 00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:08,683 Your dog if you want it. 99 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,946 See, all this shit is funny. 100 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:13,209 Funnier than the Second Amendment, I'll tell you that. 101 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,864 Well, obviously, it's not the amendment that's funny. 102 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,431 What I find funny is the fraudulent... 103 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,562 Next. 104 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:19,700 What? 105 00:04:20,139 --> 00:04:21,696 Next topic. 106 00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,133 That's funny. 107 00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,700 But seriously, if you have any notes 108 00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:26,793 for me, you know... 109 00:04:26,836 --> 00:04:28,398 - You want notes? - Yeah. 110 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:29,921 Fuck politics. 111 00:04:31,186 --> 00:04:33,492 The audience don't care about what you think. 112 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,449 They care about you. 113 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:36,580 Right. 114 00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:38,016 Yeah, I know everyone says 115 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,409 be personal, truth in comedy, 116 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:42,107 but don't you think that's a bit of a cop-out? 117 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,545 The audience doesn't want to hear you make points. 118 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,242 You dating a high school girl? 119 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,157 - Now that's interesting. - Oh. 120 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,724 I'm not dating a high school girl. We... 121 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,707 Now that's comedy. 122 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:54,381 Right, but isn't that gross and exhibitionistic? 123 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,644 Isn't the whole point to provide insight 124 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,298 into the human condition? 125 00:04:58,341 --> 00:05:00,300 Provide insight, huh. 126 00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:03,738 What do you want? 127 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,392 Are you happy with your life? 128 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,840 With your career? 129 00:05:06,883 --> 00:05:08,786 Don't you want it all? 130 00:05:12,151 --> 00:05:13,979 Yes. More than anything. 131 00:05:16,138 --> 00:05:17,655 You have one thing. 132 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,276 One natural resource. 133 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,584 You are a country with one export. 134 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,997 And you are the export. 135 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,202 I'll tell you a secret. 136 00:05:28,246 --> 00:05:32,810 Put yourself out there and you will get laughs. 137 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,596 You will be successful. 138 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,077 Are you sure... that's what you want? 139 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,689 Yes. 140 00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:43,560 Now you have to be sure to be sure. 141 00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,388 'Cause once you put it out there... 142 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:48,783 the audience will take it in. They will connect. 143 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:52,308 And once they connect to it... 144 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,440 it's theirs. 145 00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:56,138 And once it's theirs... 146 00:05:57,152 --> 00:05:59,940 that shit is gone forever. 147 00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:05,321 Listen, my life is okay. It's fine. 148 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,019 But you don't choose comedy because you want a fine life, 149 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:12,023 you choose comedy because you want it all. 150 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,461 Hmm. 151 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,030 Well, okay, then. 152 00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,911 Right? Right? 153 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:33,915 And let me tell you, your next guest 154 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,395 needs no introduction. 155 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:36,526 I'm Joe Donner. 156 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,572 And you're a bunch of fucking idiots! 157 00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:58,505 Hi, everybody. Hi. 158 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,899 So, the Second Amendment, which people use to justify 159 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,032 having their, uh, uh, 160 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,469 having no regulations on guns, um, 161 00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:11,082 actually begins with the words, "A well regulated." 162 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:16,232 11.1 perc... percent of the whole thing. 163 00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:24,487 I wish you could all see your own faces right now. 164 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,011 You have the exact expression that my dog has 165 00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,535 when she's taking a shit. 166 00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:34,976 Like, "Don't look at me." 167 00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:38,099 "Why are you here watching this?" 168 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:41,006 "There has to be a better way to do this." 169 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,554 Okay. Okay, you want to talk about this? 170 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,033 Okay, I-I love my dog. 171 00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:52,254 The other day, she peed on my pizza. 172 00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:55,083 But that's my fault. 173 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,824 I shouldn't have yelled at her 174 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,739 while she was standing on my pizza. 175 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,789 But I... She's cool. 176 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,835 Um, her name is Cat. 177 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,646 Which I know sounds like a stupid name for a dog, 178 00:08:11,671 --> 00:08:15,545 but that's only because it is a stupid name for a dog. 179 00:08:18,169 --> 00:08:20,021 It's even stupider when you realize 180 00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,763 it's actually short for Cat-erpillar. 181 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:04,674 Cat. 182 00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,895 Cat. Come here, baby. 183 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,554 Cat. Cat. 184 00:09:14,456 --> 00:09:16,633 Cat? 185 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,219 Hey, Rena? 186 00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:30,359 I really killed tonight. 187 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:34,008 - It's my best set ever. - Mm. 188 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,313 That's great. 189 00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,838 They were laughing at stuff I was saying, 190 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,274 at the punch lines. 191 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,842 And at the end, they cheered so hard, I was like, 192 00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,670 "What's that?" and I was like, "Oh, 193 00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,410 that's for me." 194 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,587 I've never felt anything like it. 195 00:09:49,802 --> 00:09:51,591 Hey, where's Cat? 196 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,014 Huh? 197 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,030 No, you just sleep. I'm gonna go walk the dog, 198 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,205 but I can't find her. 199 00:09:57,248 --> 00:10:00,338 Oh, I thought you said "dog." 200 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,646 Yeah. Cat. Where's Cat? 201 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,301 Oh, my God, you didn't leave the door open, did you? 202 00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,496 Or the window? 203 00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:12,437 I don't know what this game is, Samir, but I'm trying to sleep. 204 00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:15,397 Our dog, Rena. Where's our dog? 205 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,528 What? 206 00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,706 We don't have a dog or a cat, Samir. 207 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,379 You're so annoying. 208 00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:37,767 Samir Wassan is an artist of great principle. 209 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,728 A man who refuses to compromise his beliefs 210 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,773 for a cheap joke. 211 00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:47,081 But tonight, he felt the rush of the limelight 212 00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:48,694 for the first time. 213 00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,563 Now, he'll have to decide 214 00:10:51,588 --> 00:10:55,548 what really matters to him when the laughter stops. 215 00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:59,997 And how much he's willing to give... to The Twilight Zone. 216 00:11:03,223 --> 00:11:05,142 You're traveling through another dimension, 217 00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:08,580 a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. 218 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:11,758 It is the middle ground between light and shadow, 219 00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,586 between science and superstition. 220 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,241 And it lies between the pit of one's fears 221 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:19,896 and the summit of one's knowledge. 222 00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:23,073 You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination. 223 00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:26,910 You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone. 224 00:11:26,911 --> 00:11:31,856 Synced and corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com 225 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,086 What happened to that bus stop? 226 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,480 There's a very bad man who's another comic here, 227 00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:40,700 he got drunk and drove into it. People died. 228 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:42,702 Anyway, could you give me a hand here? 229 00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:46,140 Is this a part of your act? 230 00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:48,298 No. I had to google Jack Russell Terriers 231 00:11:48,323 --> 00:11:50,674 because I couldn't find any pictures of Cat on my phone, 232 00:11:50,699 --> 00:11:51,874 which is so strange, 233 00:11:51,899 --> 00:11:53,465 'cause I take pictures of her all the time. 234 00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:55,845 I don't get it. Who's Cat? 235 00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,934 Oh, okay. 236 00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,414 Rena put you up to this. 237 00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,329 - Okay. Okay. - What? 238 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,679 What? No. I like seeing you do stand-up. 239 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,160 You know what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 240 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:07,944 You and Rena do your hilarious prank. 241 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,076 It's very funny. 242 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,642 Very funny. 243 00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,209 Come on. 244 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,564 Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler here today? 245 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:21,436 Yeah, right. 246 00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,133 That sign's so funny. 247 00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,744 "No apostrophes." 248 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,008 Yeah, you might be the target audience. 249 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,400 I don't get it. 250 00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,793 'Cause the club's called Eddies, 251 00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,361 but you'd think that it would be Eddie's. 252 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,015 But then this sign's saying that, 253 00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:37,147 no, it is actually Eddie's, 254 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,803 it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, so now it's Eddies. 255 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,326 That is funny. 256 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,893 Yeah, it's really clever. 257 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,757 Hey, girls. 258 00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:47,679 What is this? Community service? 259 00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,029 Oh, this is Deven, my nephew. 260 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,204 He's, uh, staying with me. 261 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,814 Actually, I'm Rena's nephew. 262 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,773 Oh, shit! 263 00:12:53,798 --> 00:12:55,060 He said check your lane. 264 00:12:55,085 --> 00:12:56,521 He did not say "check your lane." 265 00:12:56,546 --> 00:12:57,939 He said check your bitch-ass lane. 266 00:12:57,964 --> 00:12:59,792 Don't say the... any of the bad words. 267 00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:02,956 He's staying with us. He's in from out of town. 268 00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,305 Hey, handsome. 269 00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:08,526 So, you seen Uncle Samir do his "comedy" before, 270 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,747 or is this the first time you've had the "privilege"? 271 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,010 I've seen him do it a couple of times, 272 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,795 but you know, you're actually kind of 273 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,753 what made me want to be a stand-up comic. 274 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,015 Just like you. 275 00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,756 Oh, that's so nice. Thank you for telling me. 276 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,410 Well, I mean, 277 00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,716 not just like you. I kind of want to be, like... 278 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,850 you know, a good comedian? 279 00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:31,245 - Oh, shit! - Language. 280 00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,900 - Nephew's funny, dude. - All right. 281 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,423 Okay, um, I got to use the restroom 282 00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:37,077 before I get up on stage. 283 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,601 Why don't you just take a shit on stage like you did last time? 284 00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:46,216 And three of the 27 words are, "A well regulated." 285 00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:59,447 Geez. You know what? 286 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,144 Maybe I'll pull out my phone, too. 287 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,494 Maybe we can text, you know? 288 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,192 What's everyone's phone number? 289 00:14:05,933 --> 00:14:07,542 You guys are just like my nephew. 290 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:10,129 I can only get through to him if I text him. 291 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,120 Yeah. 292 00:14:19,163 --> 00:14:20,468 Hey, 293 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,470 asshole. 294 00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:24,428 Get off your phone, I'm talking about you. 295 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,434 He's ten years old, he's ten, 296 00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:33,829 and he was making fun of my act earlier tonight. 297 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,265 He was! 298 00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,180 He was saying I'm not funny. 299 00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,226 He's ten. 300 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,402 Actually, he's not even my nephew. 301 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,447 I don't know if that makes it better or worse. 302 00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,145 No, it actually makes it worse 303 00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,495 'cause if he was my nephew, at least the family 304 00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,018 would be coming out on top, 305 00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,293 but this way... 306 00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:56,243 This way, just some random ten-year-old is dunking on me. 307 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,989 Deven Singh, everyone. 308 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,165 Give it up for Deven Singh. 309 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,567 Congrats, man. That was awesome. 310 00:15:17,671 --> 00:15:19,701 Damn. You brought it. 311 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:22,095 That was actually a good set. 312 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,488 Thanks to Deven. Have you seen him, by the way? 313 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:26,360 I hope I didn't embarrass him too much. 314 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,362 Okay, who are we talking about right now? 315 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:31,931 My nephew, my girlfriend's nephew. Wants to be a comedian, 316 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,758 but better than me. 317 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,673 I don't know what the hell you're talking about, 318 00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,458 but I think I just hit 319 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,808 my Samir limit. 320 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,905 Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? 321 00:15:51,277 --> 00:15:53,430 Did you guys see a little boy, like, a ten-year-old boy 322 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:54,866 - come out here at all? - Haven't seen him. Sorry. 323 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,260 Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? 324 00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,307 - Like, a leather jacket, he's Indian? - Sorry, dude. 325 00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,049 Deven? 326 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,618 Deven! 327 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,362 Call Deven Singh. 328 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,321 Did you mean Anisha Singh? 329 00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,323 Call Deven Singh. 330 00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:17,933 Okay. 331 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,067 No, no, no. Call Deven. 332 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,591 I don't see "Deven" in your contacts. 333 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,246 Should I look for locations by that name? 334 00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,323 Hey, have you heard from... 335 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,804 You see, the laws... 336 00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,980 Samir. It's lovely to see you. 337 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,982 Hey, baby. How was your show? 338 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,028 I didn't know you were gonna have company tonight. 339 00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,727 We were just talking about comedy. 340 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,729 I was making the case that it is art, 341 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,476 just as much as theater, 342 00:17:16,519 --> 00:17:19,212 or literature, or paintings. 343 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,648 Hold on one second, David. 344 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,085 You know, I have a lot of respect for what you do. 345 00:17:23,755 --> 00:17:25,131 Thank you. 346 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,829 Um, can I talk to you real quick? It's about Deven. 347 00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,179 - Who? - Deven. Can we talk over here, please? 348 00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:31,789 Who's Deven again? 349 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,096 - Is that Fran's boyfriend? - Deven. Your sister's son. 350 00:17:34,683 --> 00:17:38,274 I don't like that joke. You know Anisha can't have kids. 351 00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,189 But that's just it, see? 352 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,366 Comedy has to go to these dark places because 353 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,716 - it's art. - That is bullshit. 354 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,458 - He's in this picture right here. - What I'm saying is, 355 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,199 if he doesn't push the boundaries, 356 00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,809 He's as derelict... 357 00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,028 ...if I were to let an innocent man 358 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683 go to prison. It really is no different. 359 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,163 Don't you remember? He was in this picture. 360 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,643 He was wearing that leather jacket and I made fun of him. 361 00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:02,820 I called him The Fonz, and he was like, 362 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,084 "Who's that? You're so old." 363 00:18:10,477 --> 00:18:11,527 Baby... 364 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,229 He's just gone. 365 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,188 Anisha never even had him. 366 00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:25,104 Oh, my God, now you're worrying about my sister? 367 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,672 You're right. 368 00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,718 You-You-You're right, 369 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,199 I shouldn't be worrying about her 'cause... 370 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:36,245 There never was a Deven, so it's not like he's dead. 371 00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,681 He just never existed, 372 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,248 so it's not like I killed him. 373 00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,424 Okay, now you're scaring me. 374 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,730 Are you all right, Samir? 375 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,428 What happened tonight? 376 00:18:44,472 --> 00:18:45,907 Are you feeling okay? 377 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,343 It was JC Wheeler. 378 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,562 JC Wheeler told me... 379 00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,550 Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler? 380 00:18:50,593 --> 00:18:52,087 Yeah, he was at the club last night. 381 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,480 That is so cool. 382 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,743 JC Wheeler told me I need to put myself out there, 383 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,701 that I need to be more personal on stage, 384 00:18:57,745 --> 00:18:59,181 and then people would connect to it, 385 00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,401 and then people would relate to me, 386 00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:03,897 and then... 387 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,537 It would be gone forever. 388 00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,500 Please don't put me in the mental hospital. 389 00:19:14,616 --> 00:19:16,503 Why the mental hospital? 390 00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:18,412 You got one picked out? 391 00:19:22,624 --> 00:19:24,728 There he is. There's my guy. 392 00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:26,647 It's okay, Samir. 393 00:19:26,691 --> 00:19:28,558 Look, I think what you're describing 394 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,907 might be a good thing. 395 00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:32,780 The feeling that if you put something out there 396 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,956 from your real life, you'll get laughs. 397 00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,001 That sounds like therapy to me. 398 00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,177 You work through these things 399 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,091 so that you could free yourself from them. 400 00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,442 It's terrifying to put yourself out there, 401 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,226 but it's true what they say, 402 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:47,142 "Sunlight really is the best disinfectant." 403 00:19:47,649 --> 00:19:50,058 Okay, okay, David, I'm-I'm sorry. Would you mind? 404 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,147 Oh, say no more. 405 00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:04,028 You have been at this for five years, five. 406 00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,726 And I've been very supportive, 407 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,162 but if you've finally found the thing 408 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,077 that can help you find your audience, 409 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,427 how are you not gonna throw yourself at that? 410 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:14,092 Well, what about the part where things get... 411 00:20:15,719 --> 00:20:16,998 erased? 412 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,260 She's right, you know. 413 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,349 Art is the noblest pursuit in the world, but... 414 00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:21,916 it's not paying the rent. 415 00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,353 I'm sorry. 416 00:20:40,535 --> 00:20:42,415 But what I really like, what I really like 417 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,940 is when people spell curse words using asterisks. 418 00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:48,203 You've seen this? You know what I'm talking about? It's like... 419 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,293 I guess asterisks are kind of like the chastity belt 420 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:54,007 of the vowel world, in the vowel community. 421 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,510 I was looking for you. 422 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,258 Heard you were great the last couple nights. 423 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,748 Congrats, kid, you're headlining. 424 00:21:01,791 --> 00:21:04,393 Oh. Thank you. 425 00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,743 Hey. 426 00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:09,356 Don't fuck it up. Huh? 427 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,879 Who am I kidding? Come on, it's you, 428 00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:13,652 of course you're gonna fuck it up. 429 00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,884 Hey, I'm just messing with you. 430 00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,930 ...very funny guy, Samir Wassan! 431 00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,893 All right! 432 00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:31,378 Thank you. 433 00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,945 So a lot of people use the Second Amendment 434 00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:38,558 as an excuse to say that guns shouldn't be regulated, 435 00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:39,950 except that the Second Amendment 436 00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:42,736 actually starts with the words, "A well 437 00:21:42,779 --> 00:21:44,599 regulated." 438 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,006 I have a ten-year-old nephew, 439 00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:54,617 and the other day he was making fun of my act. 440 00:21:54,661 --> 00:21:56,184 He's ten years old. 441 00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,988 He's ten. 442 00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:00,971 Right. 443 00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:03,670 I don't have a nephew anymore. 444 00:22:05,704 --> 00:22:07,761 How about this president, huh? 445 00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,981 I don't want to say he's a fascist dickhead 446 00:22:11,025 --> 00:22:14,594 who should be hung by his nuts in the public square, 447 00:22:14,619 --> 00:22:17,466 but only because I don't want to talk to the Secret Service. 448 00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,344 Oh, man. 449 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,139 Hey, uh, give it up for the guy who was on stage 450 00:22:38,182 --> 00:22:40,489 right before me. 451 00:22:40,533 --> 00:22:42,926 - Yeah! - He's funny, right? 452 00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:46,103 He really crushed. 453 00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,063 Didn't he? 454 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:52,066 Not as badly as he crushed a mom and her baby 455 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:53,937 at the bus stop across the street. 456 00:22:55,455 --> 00:22:57,637 I'm not joking! He did that. 457 00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:02,337 That mangled bus stop across the street... 458 00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,384 ...that's his best work! That's his biggest credit! 459 00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,996 It was in the news. 460 00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:10,998 He got away with it, though. 461 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:13,479 And you saw his act, you-you wouldn't think a guy 462 00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,829 with a hateful, misogynistic act like that 463 00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,526 would also be a drunk driver. 464 00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:19,310 No, actually, that stands. 465 00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:20,654 That makes sense. 466 00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:23,402 Give it up for 467 00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:24,838 human piece of shit, 468 00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,448 Joe Donner. 469 00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:44,640 'Cause he didn't smash into it, 470 00:23:44,684 --> 00:23:47,382 because he doesn't exist. 471 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,472 Hey, hey, you're the... Hey, you totally killed tonight. 472 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,780 Oh, thank you. You know, I actually un-killed two people. 473 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:55,521 This is you, right? 474 00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:57,436 - Yup. - I am following you right now. 475 00:23:58,524 --> 00:23:59,655 Oh, thank you so much. 476 00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:01,875 - Don't drink and drive, okay? - All right. 477 00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,791 Just like Joe Donner didn't anymore. 478 00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:06,575 - Okay. - You're so funny. 479 00:24:06,619 --> 00:24:08,882 - He is. - I also saved two lives. 480 00:24:08,925 --> 00:24:11,450 One was a baby! 481 00:24:45,772 --> 00:24:49,749 I knew this kid in high school, he was a prick! 482 00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:51,751 Just a bad guy. 483 00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:54,231 He was mean, he was a bully. 484 00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:58,584 But you know what? It's not fair to judge someone 485 00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,629 by how they were in high school, right? 486 00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:02,501 People change. 487 00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:04,851 They grow, they learn. 488 00:25:05,723 --> 00:25:07,331 So I looked him up online. 489 00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:10,030 Now he works for Doctors Without Borders. 490 00:25:11,306 --> 00:25:13,859 Oh, you horrible pieces of shit. 491 00:25:13,903 --> 00:25:18,517 I'm joking. Jamie Benson murdered his fiancée. 492 00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,434 He did! 493 00:25:23,478 --> 00:25:24,812 Yes! 494 00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:26,829 I love being right! 495 00:25:26,873 --> 00:25:28,657 Great! 496 00:25:28,701 --> 00:25:32,574 Not so great for his fiancée... rest in peace. She's gone now. 497 00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:35,705 More like Murderers With Borders, am I right? 498 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,629 Sometimes the covers do tell you a fair amount 499 00:25:39,654 --> 00:25:41,670 about the book, don't they? 500 00:25:50,026 --> 00:25:51,637 Cheap and brown, 501 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,552 - no ice. - You know it, Al. 502 00:25:59,748 --> 00:26:02,316 O-Or what about Coach Keller? 503 00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:05,389 Oh, yeah. That was crazy. 504 00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:08,270 I guess we just didn't know how crazy it was at the time. 505 00:26:08,295 --> 00:26:09,992 Uh, I knew. 506 00:26:10,699 --> 00:26:13,397 Man, there really are a lot of loathsome psychopaths 507 00:26:13,441 --> 00:26:14,660 in the world, huh? 508 00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,792 Thank God you're not a loathsome psychopath. 509 00:26:17,455 --> 00:26:19,447 That's the most romantic thing 510 00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,001 you've ever said to me. 511 00:26:21,884 --> 00:26:24,583 - Uh-oh! - Oh! 512 00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:27,281 - Ah! - Why are you screaming? 513 00:26:27,324 --> 00:26:29,022 I thought it might get on my coat. 514 00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:30,153 What about my face? 515 00:26:30,197 --> 00:26:31,633 This is my favorite coat, 516 00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:34,399 and it is so much more expensive than your face, baby. 517 00:26:34,424 --> 00:26:35,682 I'm sorry. 518 00:26:36,420 --> 00:26:38,640 - What are you doing? - Pizza face! 519 00:27:09,192 --> 00:27:12,065 So you know how, in school, rumors would get started, 520 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,588 and it didn't even matter 521 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:17,026 if they were true or not, it would just become legend? 522 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:18,601 You know what I'm talking about? 523 00:27:18,645 --> 00:27:20,813 Well, unless the Times 524 00:27:20,856 --> 00:27:24,904 and a jury of his peers were being huge gossips, 525 00:27:24,947 --> 00:27:27,907 that rumor about 526 00:27:27,950 --> 00:27:30,320 Coach Keller 527 00:27:31,207 --> 00:27:34,130 being a pervert who preyed on kids? 528 00:27:34,174 --> 00:27:36,201 That rumor was true. 529 00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:38,787 That one did happen. 530 00:27:44,459 --> 00:27:46,229 You know, I've been feeling like my comedy 531 00:27:46,273 --> 00:27:48,057 could really make a difference, like, 532 00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,972 the more I open up on stage, 533 00:27:50,016 --> 00:27:52,675 the, the more I change the world. 534 00:27:53,078 --> 00:27:55,863 Is that completely narcissistic and delusional? 535 00:27:55,888 --> 00:27:57,890 Uh, yes, but I don't mind it. 536 00:27:57,915 --> 00:28:00,265 I like this new you. 537 00:28:00,934 --> 00:28:03,072 So do I. 538 00:28:11,486 --> 00:28:14,344 Hey, um, do you remember that guy we ran into 539 00:28:14,388 --> 00:28:17,347 who you defended, and then later you found out he totally 540 00:28:17,391 --> 00:28:18,914 did do all those horrible things? 541 00:28:18,958 --> 00:28:20,263 I can't believe I said that. 542 00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,309 No, no, no, it's good that you told me. 543 00:28:22,352 --> 00:28:24,180 What did you say the guy's name was again? 544 00:28:24,224 --> 00:28:25,664 I can't tell you that. 545 00:28:25,707 --> 00:28:27,053 Yes, you can. 546 00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:28,707 David says a good defense attorney 547 00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:30,839 - never lets her opinions seep into... - Oh, great, David. 548 00:28:31,422 --> 00:28:32,798 Really? 549 00:28:32,841 --> 00:28:35,844 I'm so sorry I mentioned my friend's name in passing. 550 00:28:35,888 --> 00:28:37,716 No, no, no, keep going. There's gonna be a great story. 551 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:40,196 I've been starved for some of that David Kandel wisdom. 552 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,937 And I've been starved for some of that 553 00:28:41,981 --> 00:28:43,983 Samir Wassan jealous prick routine. 554 00:28:44,008 --> 00:28:46,924 Jealous prick? Okay. Routine? Wow. 555 00:28:46,986 --> 00:28:48,639 Why, what would you call it? 556 00:28:48,683 --> 00:28:50,772 What would I call a law professor 557 00:28:50,816 --> 00:28:53,732 who's always having romantic dinners with his former student, 558 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,864 - my girlfriend? - They are not romantic. 559 00:28:55,908 --> 00:28:58,582 David is my friend, and my mentor... 560 00:28:58,583 --> 00:29:01,412 Oh, mentor. Okay. Yeah, why was I worried? 561 00:29:01,437 --> 00:29:03,396 There's no way a mentor would try 562 00:29:03,421 --> 00:29:05,423 and fuck an attractive student. 563 00:29:05,915 --> 00:29:07,244 Screw you, Samir. 564 00:29:07,287 --> 00:29:10,029 "Screw you." That's really good. Are you taking argument classes? 565 00:29:10,073 --> 00:29:11,944 'Cause that's still some beginner shit. 566 00:29:11,988 --> 00:29:13,903 Maybe move up to "Go fuck yourself." 567 00:29:14,466 --> 00:29:16,079 Rena? 568 00:29:33,575 --> 00:29:36,621 So I met a murderer today. 569 00:29:36,665 --> 00:29:37,927 I did. 570 00:29:37,970 --> 00:29:40,233 I actually met a murderer. 571 00:29:40,277 --> 00:29:44,418 I was talking to this tattooed guy on the bus, 572 00:29:44,461 --> 00:29:48,851 and he just straight-up told me that he murdered someone. 573 00:29:48,894 --> 00:29:50,243 You know, I guess it makes sense, 574 00:29:50,287 --> 00:29:51,989 'cause if I was a murderer, 575 00:29:52,032 --> 00:29:54,257 I would want to tell people, too, you know? 576 00:29:54,301 --> 00:29:56,510 Pride in what you do is important. 577 00:29:58,730 --> 00:29:59,905 Although, it seems like 578 00:29:59,949 --> 00:30:02,077 resisting the urge to tell people 579 00:30:02,121 --> 00:30:05,824 might be an important life skill for a murderer. 580 00:30:09,741 --> 00:30:11,961 Buck. His name was Buck. 581 00:30:13,266 --> 00:30:14,441 Buck. 582 00:30:14,485 --> 00:30:16,618 From Pennsylvania? 583 00:30:16,661 --> 00:30:19,621 Unless he gave me a fake name. 584 00:30:20,497 --> 00:30:22,624 I, uh... 585 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,550 I've got something you guys might like. 586 00:30:37,006 --> 00:30:40,434 Do you guys have a girlfriend who's got, like, 587 00:30:40,477 --> 00:30:42,252 a creepy older "mentor"? 588 00:30:54,023 --> 00:30:56,658 You know, who's, like, just her friend, 589 00:30:56,701 --> 00:30:59,486 and not trying to sleep with her at all. 590 00:30:59,530 --> 00:31:04,143 Just some older, white, pretentious motherfucker. 591 00:31:04,187 --> 00:31:07,973 With his fucking little beard, and he knows everything. 592 00:31:08,017 --> 00:31:10,759 This guy knows everything. 593 00:31:10,802 --> 00:31:12,978 And then you get in trouble. 594 00:31:14,893 --> 00:31:17,069 You get called a jealous boyfriend 595 00:31:17,113 --> 00:31:19,985 for trying to save her from getting MeToo'd 596 00:31:20,029 --> 00:31:22,248 by fucking David Kandel? 597 00:31:31,544 --> 00:31:32,640 Wow. 598 00:31:32,684 --> 00:31:35,609 "Top Comedians to Follow," huh? 599 00:31:35,653 --> 00:31:37,307 Oh, yeah. 600 00:31:37,350 --> 00:31:38,961 I forgot about that. 601 00:31:39,004 --> 00:31:41,920 Must be so exciting for you to know someone on that list. 602 00:31:41,964 --> 00:31:43,095 You've been strutting around here 603 00:31:43,139 --> 00:31:44,749 like the cock of the walk lately. 604 00:31:44,793 --> 00:31:46,360 Great metaphor. 605 00:31:46,403 --> 00:31:47,969 Hey, I'm a little busy right now. 606 00:31:48,012 --> 00:31:49,972 Could you text my assistant, 'cause I want to talk. 607 00:31:50,015 --> 00:31:52,322 Don't make me hurt you, Samir. 608 00:31:53,041 --> 00:31:54,759 Hey, baby. 609 00:31:54,803 --> 00:31:56,239 Hey. 610 00:31:56,282 --> 00:31:58,676 Hilarious as always, Samir. 611 00:32:01,559 --> 00:32:03,115 Hey, what would your, uh, mentor David 612 00:32:03,140 --> 00:32:04,358 have thought of that set? 613 00:32:04,719 --> 00:32:06,684 What are you talking about? 614 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:09,215 Wait, where are you going? 615 00:32:09,258 --> 00:32:11,142 I have to get to my shift. 616 00:32:11,689 --> 00:32:13,603 W-What shift? 617 00:32:15,214 --> 00:32:17,042 Rena, what's wrong? 618 00:32:17,086 --> 00:32:19,436 I'm late. You gonna get me fired? 619 00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:20,698 Okay. 620 00:32:20,742 --> 00:32:22,343 Why would they have you come in now? 621 00:32:22,368 --> 00:32:24,248 And they're not gonna fire their best lawyer 622 00:32:24,273 --> 00:32:25,405 for being slightly late. 623 00:32:25,430 --> 00:32:28,346 Lawyer? Are you kidding me? 624 00:32:28,445 --> 00:32:30,882 Wait, wait, wait, you're, you're not a lawyer? 625 00:32:31,287 --> 00:32:32,666 Screw you. 626 00:32:36,042 --> 00:32:37,584 David Kandel. 627 00:32:38,002 --> 00:32:40,762 She doesn't have a career without fucking David Kandel. 628 00:32:52,077 --> 00:32:53,731 Rena, I screwed something up. 629 00:32:53,775 --> 00:32:56,647 You have screwed many things up, Samir, but I am late right now. 630 00:32:56,690 --> 00:32:57,757 I'm sorry. 631 00:32:57,801 --> 00:32:59,519 No, no, listen. I changed something. 632 00:32:59,563 --> 00:33:02,522 - Okay? You were supposed to... - Supposed to what? 633 00:33:02,566 --> 00:33:05,482 Keep waiting patiently for you to get your career together? 634 00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:06,601 No. 635 00:33:06,645 --> 00:33:07,961 Wait, where's your red coat? 636 00:33:08,004 --> 00:33:09,138 The one we got in Paris? 637 00:33:09,181 --> 00:33:10,789 - What are you talking about? - Paris. 638 00:33:10,832 --> 00:33:12,619 When we went to Paris. The... 639 00:33:14,491 --> 00:33:17,450 We never went to Paris 'cause we couldn't afford it. 640 00:33:17,494 --> 00:33:19,452 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 641 00:33:19,496 --> 00:33:21,150 Hey, hey, hey. I swear to God, 642 00:33:21,193 --> 00:33:22,934 if you touch me one more time... 643 00:33:22,978 --> 00:33:24,718 - You okay, honey? - I'm fine. 644 00:33:24,762 --> 00:33:26,285 She's fine. It's okay, it's okay. 645 00:33:26,329 --> 00:33:27,852 Okay, hey, hey, that was the trip 646 00:33:27,896 --> 00:33:29,158 that saved our relationship. 647 00:33:29,201 --> 00:33:30,899 - But we didn't go on it... - Saved our...? 648 00:33:30,942 --> 00:33:32,335 Listen, we couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, 649 00:33:32,378 --> 00:33:33,727 but now I can afford it, so... 650 00:33:33,771 --> 00:33:35,251 You're a dick, Samir. 651 00:33:35,294 --> 00:33:37,514 - Okay, you don't understand... - No, you don't understand. 652 00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:38,907 You don't think about how your actions 653 00:33:38,950 --> 00:33:40,430 affect me or anybody else. 654 00:33:40,473 --> 00:33:42,258 We're all just background to you. 655 00:33:42,301 --> 00:33:45,087 - Material. - Table 12. 656 00:33:49,613 --> 00:33:51,049 Hey. 657 00:33:51,093 --> 00:33:52,355 I'm sorry. I'm sorr... hey. 658 00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:53,878 Remember when you gave me that advice, 659 00:33:53,922 --> 00:33:55,662 when you told me that I could be strong on stage? 660 00:33:55,706 --> 00:33:57,577 That I could play to my strengths? 661 00:33:57,621 --> 00:34:00,145 You said that I need to let go of stuff? 662 00:34:00,189 --> 00:34:02,278 So I did that. I did that for us. I did that, 663 00:34:02,321 --> 00:34:03,670 I did that for you. 664 00:34:03,714 --> 00:34:05,847 You said it was okay to punch. 665 00:34:05,890 --> 00:34:07,849 When am I gonna be the joke? 666 00:34:07,892 --> 00:34:10,677 This argument, when's that gonna show up in your act? 667 00:34:10,721 --> 00:34:11,983 We're done, Samir. 668 00:34:12,027 --> 00:34:13,985 No, no, no. No, no, no. 669 00:34:14,029 --> 00:34:16,031 Listen to me. Listen to me. 670 00:34:16,642 --> 00:34:18,511 I have this power, okay? 671 00:34:18,555 --> 00:34:20,383 I have this superpower. 672 00:34:20,426 --> 00:34:22,689 I do. The reason you're doing this right now... 673 00:34:22,733 --> 00:34:24,517 The reason I'm doing this right now, Samir, 674 00:34:24,561 --> 00:34:27,825 is that you are a selfish asshole. 675 00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:54,346 Thank you. 676 00:35:54,390 --> 00:35:57,567 What do you think it's like to have a penis? 677 00:35:57,610 --> 00:35:59,047 Obviously... 678 00:36:02,180 --> 00:36:04,878 That cute little Indian girl dumped you, huh? 679 00:36:04,922 --> 00:36:07,751 Shit, man, that sucks. I'm sorry. 680 00:36:07,794 --> 00:36:10,710 For you, I'm sorry for you. 'Cause that was just 681 00:36:10,754 --> 00:36:13,887 clearly the right decision for her, you know? 682 00:36:14,302 --> 00:36:17,021 She's all I know, I... 683 00:36:17,065 --> 00:36:19,241 I don't know what I am without her. 684 00:36:20,807 --> 00:36:22,722 My... 685 00:36:22,766 --> 00:36:24,898 career's finally taking off. 686 00:36:24,942 --> 00:36:26,900 Can't win at everything, right? 687 00:36:27,607 --> 00:36:29,338 People think I'm funny. 688 00:36:29,775 --> 00:36:31,340 You know how hard it's been for me, 689 00:36:31,383 --> 00:36:33,472 people not thinking I was funny? 690 00:36:33,516 --> 00:36:36,040 Yeah. Yeah. Yes. 691 00:36:36,084 --> 00:36:37,389 I hear you. 692 00:36:37,950 --> 00:36:40,349 Maybe this is how it goes. 693 00:36:40,828 --> 00:36:44,483 You get something, you got to give something up. 694 00:36:51,797 --> 00:36:53,188 Samir, 695 00:36:54,759 --> 00:36:57,148 if you go on a murder rampage, 696 00:36:57,192 --> 00:36:59,324 can you try not to do it while I'm here, please? 697 00:36:59,368 --> 00:37:02,849 And just to be clear, I say that not because 698 00:37:02,893 --> 00:37:05,227 you're brown, I say it because 699 00:37:05,472 --> 00:37:07,822 "you're a man," sort of. 700 00:37:08,116 --> 00:37:09,632 There's my two little stars. 701 00:37:09,676 --> 00:37:11,858 There's our weird, creepy uncle. 702 00:37:12,990 --> 00:37:14,426 Weird, creepy laugh. 703 00:37:14,470 --> 00:37:15,656 So, 704 00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:17,951 Candy Gower from The Gower Hour 705 00:37:17,995 --> 00:37:19,551 is coming to the late set tonight. 706 00:37:19,595 --> 00:37:21,607 - Okay. - And she is here for you two. 707 00:37:21,651 --> 00:37:23,131 Two? 708 00:37:23,174 --> 00:37:24,610 You didn't hear this from me, 709 00:37:24,654 --> 00:37:26,438 but The Gower Hour needs a new cast member, 710 00:37:26,482 --> 00:37:29,093 and it's pretty much narrowed down to two up-and-coming comics 711 00:37:29,137 --> 00:37:31,617 you may have heard of named you and you. 712 00:37:31,661 --> 00:37:33,271 Doesn't know our names. 713 00:37:33,315 --> 00:37:35,688 Please welcome Samir Wassan. 714 00:37:35,731 --> 00:37:36,867 He's Samir Wassan. 715 00:37:36,910 --> 00:37:39,756 Ah. He just said it. So... 716 00:37:53,813 --> 00:37:56,251 The Second Amendment says... 717 00:37:56,294 --> 00:38:01,212 uh, "A well regulated..." 718 00:38:07,373 --> 00:38:09,417 My football coach was a rapist. 719 00:38:13,485 --> 00:38:15,923 What did he just say? 720 00:38:16,662 --> 00:38:18,273 Right. 721 00:38:18,316 --> 00:38:20,492 You need fresh blood. 722 00:38:20,536 --> 00:38:22,407 What we need is jokes. 723 00:38:22,451 --> 00:38:25,149 Who said that? Who fucking said that? 724 00:38:25,891 --> 00:38:28,326 It was me. 725 00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:30,241 So you think you're funny? 726 00:38:31,199 --> 00:38:34,506 No, we just think you're not. 727 00:38:36,943 --> 00:38:39,337 Ooh... 728 00:38:41,992 --> 00:38:45,691 Okay. Okay. 729 00:38:46,078 --> 00:38:48,781 What's your name? 730 00:38:49,874 --> 00:38:51,500 What's everybody's name? 731 00:38:55,136 --> 00:38:56,615 Gabe. 732 00:38:56,659 --> 00:38:58,090 Will. 733 00:38:58,530 --> 00:39:02,055 Uh-huh. And where do you guys work? 734 00:39:02,099 --> 00:39:04,536 Uh, we work at Wellspring Capital. 735 00:39:04,580 --> 00:39:06,669 So you're, what, like, hedge fund guys? 736 00:39:06,712 --> 00:39:08,540 Yeah, actually, 737 00:39:08,584 --> 00:39:11,108 we invest in hedge funds. 738 00:39:11,152 --> 00:39:12,675 Wow. 739 00:39:12,718 --> 00:39:15,460 Yeah. Wow is right, bro. 740 00:39:15,504 --> 00:39:17,462 We're talking about... 741 00:39:17,506 --> 00:39:21,771 count 'em... mm... nine figures. 742 00:39:21,814 --> 00:39:23,425 Nine figures! 743 00:39:23,468 --> 00:39:26,123 I-I got to give it to you, that actually is impressive. 744 00:39:26,167 --> 00:39:30,083 You know, I love guys like this. 745 00:39:38,788 --> 00:39:41,486 They get off work after a long day 746 00:39:41,530 --> 00:39:45,534 of investing in hedge funds... did I get that right? 747 00:39:45,577 --> 00:39:48,580 Want to make sure I get the details right here. 748 00:39:48,624 --> 00:39:51,757 These guys are like, "Oh, we're gonna go to a comedy club, 749 00:39:51,801 --> 00:39:53,716 "we're gonna heckle the comedian. 750 00:39:54,891 --> 00:39:58,460 And tell everyone how much money we make." 751 00:40:00,986 --> 00:40:04,248 Gabe and Will, ladies and gentlemen. 752 00:40:04,292 --> 00:40:06,990 Gabe and Will. 753 00:40:32,145 --> 00:40:33,277 It's you and me, huh? 754 00:40:33,321 --> 00:40:35,714 - Not now. - Oh, yeah. Now. 755 00:40:38,399 --> 00:40:39,979 It's one spot. 756 00:40:40,442 --> 00:40:42,547 One spot. 757 00:40:42,591 --> 00:40:45,985 On The Gower Hour. 758 00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:53,645 That shit should have gone straight to me. 759 00:40:54,248 --> 00:40:57,736 I have been the MVP up in here for a minute. 760 00:40:57,780 --> 00:40:59,172 But somehow, 761 00:40:59,216 --> 00:41:00,478 suddenly, 762 00:41:00,522 --> 00:41:02,393 you get funny. 763 00:41:02,437 --> 00:41:04,482 How does that happen, huh? 764 00:41:04,526 --> 00:41:06,658 How the hell you pull that off? 765 00:41:06,702 --> 00:41:08,188 Didi, we really don't have to do this 766 00:41:08,231 --> 00:41:09,661 - right now. - What? 767 00:41:09,705 --> 00:41:11,837 - I'm not gonna go on stage tonight. - What? 768 00:41:11,881 --> 00:41:13,671 - What are you talking about? - I don't want it. 769 00:41:13,715 --> 00:41:15,667 - You can have it. I don't want it. - No. No, that is some... 770 00:41:15,711 --> 00:41:17,582 - I-I'm not... - No, fuck you. No. 771 00:41:17,626 --> 00:41:21,630 No, I am not about to let you do that shit. 772 00:41:22,026 --> 00:41:23,327 Why not? 773 00:41:23,371 --> 00:41:24,589 'Cause you're good. 774 00:41:24,633 --> 00:41:26,330 You've been fucking killing it. 775 00:41:26,374 --> 00:41:29,115 And I'm honestly kind of embarrassed 776 00:41:29,159 --> 00:41:31,637 that I didn't see how funny you were from the start. 777 00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:33,946 But you can't stop now. 778 00:41:33,990 --> 00:41:36,209 So, I came in here to tell you that if, 779 00:41:36,234 --> 00:41:38,323 that if Candy Gower chooses you, 780 00:41:38,386 --> 00:41:39,691 well, then I would be happy. 781 00:41:40,127 --> 00:41:41,519 'Cause it would be a good choice. 782 00:41:41,563 --> 00:41:45,088 Didi to the stage. Didi to the stage. 783 00:41:45,131 --> 00:41:48,178 So no more of this bullshit about 784 00:41:48,221 --> 00:41:50,528 "Oh, I'm not gonna go up," 785 00:41:50,572 --> 00:41:52,878 and "Oh, my goodness, I have a vagina 786 00:41:52,922 --> 00:41:55,185 "and it's hurting and I'm on my period 787 00:41:55,228 --> 00:41:56,665 and I can't find tampons" 788 00:41:56,708 --> 00:41:59,058 or whatever the fuck you're talking about. 789 00:41:59,102 --> 00:42:00,538 Okay? 790 00:42:00,582 --> 00:42:02,148 I'll see you... 791 00:42:02,192 --> 00:42:03,541 on stage. 792 00:42:03,585 --> 00:42:06,370 And may the baddest bitch win. 793 00:42:06,414 --> 00:42:08,447 Which is me, by the way. 794 00:42:09,907 --> 00:42:11,549 Didi, you're on deck. 795 00:42:11,593 --> 00:42:14,422 Didi? You're on deck. 796 00:42:17,599 --> 00:42:19,427 I swear to God... 797 00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:23,387 if I were straight, I would... 798 00:42:24,192 --> 00:42:27,086 ...probably be with a Idris Elba-type dude. 799 00:42:27,716 --> 00:42:30,263 But I would throw you some pussy every now and again 800 00:42:30,288 --> 00:42:33,117 out of respect for your comedy. 801 00:42:33,179 --> 00:42:35,094 - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. 802 00:42:35,516 --> 00:42:37,358 Kill it tonight, boo. 803 00:42:37,851 --> 00:42:39,490 Whoo! 804 00:42:44,452 --> 00:42:46,410 Let's get it! 805 00:42:56,725 --> 00:42:58,596 The club's called Eddies 806 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:00,119 and you'd think that it would be Eddie's 807 00:43:00,163 --> 00:43:02,644 but then that sign says that it's Eddies. 808 00:43:02,687 --> 00:43:04,689 But then this sign's saying that, 809 00:43:04,733 --> 00:43:06,604 no, it is actually Eddie's, 810 00:43:06,648 --> 00:43:09,041 it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, 811 00:43:09,085 --> 00:43:10,843 so now it's Eddies. 812 00:43:21,271 --> 00:43:23,099 Oh. 813 00:43:26,450 --> 00:43:28,147 There you are. 814 00:43:28,191 --> 00:43:30,106 Didi's up next, then you. You ready? 815 00:43:30,696 --> 00:43:33,022 What the hell are you doing on the floor? 816 00:43:33,065 --> 00:43:34,374 Is Candy Gower here? 817 00:43:34,418 --> 00:43:36,468 You bet your dick she is. 818 00:43:36,493 --> 00:43:39,662 This is it, kid. This is it. 819 00:43:41,857 --> 00:43:43,989 This is it, kid. 820 00:43:44,033 --> 00:43:45,627 This is it. 821 00:43:46,339 --> 00:43:48,472 What did you do to me? 822 00:43:48,516 --> 00:43:49,952 Do to you? 823 00:43:49,995 --> 00:43:52,171 I just told you how to get what you wanted. 824 00:43:52,215 --> 00:43:54,478 I wanted to make people laugh, I did not want 825 00:43:54,522 --> 00:43:55,871 to make them disappear. 826 00:43:55,914 --> 00:43:58,134 I wanted to be the next Chris Rock. 827 00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,483 Not evil... 828 00:43:59,527 --> 00:44:01,267 David Copperfield. 829 00:44:01,311 --> 00:44:04,009 I warned you what would happen if you put stuff out there. 830 00:44:04,053 --> 00:44:06,774 You did not tell me I was gonna be murdering people. 831 00:44:09,754 --> 00:44:11,103 Murdering people? 832 00:44:11,147 --> 00:44:13,018 Now who the hell is murdering people? 833 00:44:13,405 --> 00:44:16,239 You can't murder people who never existed. 834 00:44:16,282 --> 00:44:17,545 That's semantics. 835 00:44:17,588 --> 00:44:19,536 There are no crying moms. 836 00:44:20,548 --> 00:44:22,724 It's not murder if there are no crying moms. 837 00:44:22,767 --> 00:44:25,161 See, that's the criteria for murder. 838 00:44:25,204 --> 00:44:28,033 Willful, premeditated, 839 00:44:28,077 --> 00:44:30,035 crying moms. 840 00:44:31,465 --> 00:44:32,908 - But... - But what? 841 00:44:32,951 --> 00:44:34,605 These people were never born. 842 00:44:36,172 --> 00:44:37,695 Now, you might think you remember them 843 00:44:37,739 --> 00:44:40,002 but you're incorrect. They're gone. 844 00:44:40,045 --> 00:44:41,220 They're gone. 845 00:44:41,264 --> 00:44:42,559 They are gone. 846 00:44:45,268 --> 00:44:46,704 But where do they go? 847 00:44:46,748 --> 00:44:48,401 Samir Wassan, 848 00:44:48,445 --> 00:44:49,577 you're up next in five. 849 00:44:49,620 --> 00:44:51,535 You still have a chance. 850 00:44:52,069 --> 00:44:55,234 To get the success you said you wanted more than anything. 851 00:44:55,278 --> 00:44:57,149 Why stop now? 852 00:44:57,193 --> 00:44:59,195 You're so close. 853 00:44:59,238 --> 00:45:00,953 Finish it. 854 00:45:00,996 --> 00:45:02,851 Use what you got. 855 00:45:02,894 --> 00:45:04,592 Weaponize that shit. 856 00:45:04,635 --> 00:45:07,856 Bring down the motherfucking house. 857 00:45:14,776 --> 00:45:16,734 Oh, shit. Okay, so, 858 00:45:16,778 --> 00:45:18,693 So many people talk about how hard it is... 859 00:45:30,226 --> 00:45:32,315 So... 860 00:45:35,623 --> 00:45:37,102 Um... 861 00:45:39,235 --> 00:45:40,584 She's so fine... 862 00:45:42,499 --> 00:45:43,805 But you know what? 863 00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:52,054 And that is a pussy-eating joke. 864 00:45:52,098 --> 00:45:53,728 You guys have been amazing. 865 00:45:53,771 --> 00:45:55,907 I'm Didi Scott. Thank you so much. 866 00:45:57,314 --> 00:45:58,602 Oh, oh! 867 00:46:11,659 --> 00:46:14,313 That was amazing. 868 00:46:14,357 --> 00:46:15,750 That was hilarious. 869 00:46:17,273 --> 00:46:20,058 Keep it going for the incredible Di... 870 00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:30,721 Please keep it going... 871 00:46:32,375 --> 00:46:34,116 Please keep it going... 872 00:46:36,684 --> 00:46:38,163 Please keep it going 873 00:46:38,207 --> 00:46:41,553 for the incredible Didi Scott, everyone. 874 00:46:50,393 --> 00:46:53,526 Karen Conroy, she broke my heart. 875 00:46:53,570 --> 00:46:55,790 Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch! 876 00:46:55,833 --> 00:46:57,078 Mary Beth Bryce! 877 00:46:57,121 --> 00:46:58,696 She didn't even know I was alive! 878 00:46:58,739 --> 00:47:02,013 Bye-bye! Mrs. Kern from Westlake High. 879 00:47:02,057 --> 00:47:03,885 B-plus. You're gone! 880 00:47:03,928 --> 00:47:05,669 Sarah Vollman. 881 00:47:05,713 --> 00:47:08,719 Oh, my parents' friends' kid, Neel. 882 00:47:08,762 --> 00:47:10,979 I don't like how he looks at me. 883 00:47:11,022 --> 00:47:13,111 Parson twins! Fuck them both! 884 00:47:13,155 --> 00:47:15,026 Um, Yuri Bhattacharya. 885 00:47:15,070 --> 00:47:16,419 Yuri Bhattacharya's mom. 886 00:47:16,462 --> 00:47:19,291 Let's go for it! Yuri Bhattacharya's fucking dog! 887 00:47:19,335 --> 00:47:20,815 Ah, Serena Tam! 888 00:47:20,858 --> 00:47:23,992 She wouldn't share her lunch... Fuck you, bitch! 889 00:47:24,035 --> 00:47:26,734 Uh, um, Billy Chung! 890 00:47:26,777 --> 00:47:27,865 From college. 891 00:47:27,909 --> 00:47:29,577 Fuck Billy Chung! 892 00:47:29,621 --> 00:47:31,303 Goodbye! Uh... 893 00:47:31,347 --> 00:47:34,132 You know what? Dr. Baldwin, my dentist? 894 00:47:34,176 --> 00:47:35,917 Fuck him! Fuck root canals! 895 00:47:37,919 --> 00:47:39,616 Thank you! 896 00:47:39,660 --> 00:47:41,487 I like that. 897 00:47:41,531 --> 00:47:44,752 Uh... Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance! 898 00:47:44,795 --> 00:47:46,057 All the Torrances! 899 00:47:49,017 --> 00:47:50,322 "Boo"? 900 00:47:53,021 --> 00:47:55,414 Really? Read the fucking room. 901 00:47:57,286 --> 00:47:58,983 What are you doing here? 902 00:47:59,027 --> 00:48:00,841 You shouldn't be here. 903 00:48:02,592 --> 00:48:04,685 You have something to say to me in the middle of my act? 904 00:48:04,728 --> 00:48:06,338 Your "act"? 905 00:48:06,382 --> 00:48:08,036 I hear this kid kills hecklers. 906 00:48:08,079 --> 00:48:09,690 This is gonna be good. 907 00:48:10,778 --> 00:48:12,736 This is your act. 908 00:48:13,478 --> 00:48:14,956 I found it. 909 00:48:14,999 --> 00:48:18,089 It's just names, Samir. 910 00:48:18,133 --> 00:48:20,048 I don't even know who these people are. 911 00:48:20,091 --> 00:48:22,920 People who wronged you, people you don't like. 912 00:48:22,964 --> 00:48:26,837 Your act is just you being superior to other people. 913 00:48:26,881 --> 00:48:28,143 Taking them down. 914 00:48:28,186 --> 00:48:29,320 Go ahead. 915 00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:31,234 Use me. Use me for fuel. 916 00:48:31,278 --> 00:48:33,757 Burn me up so you can get where you always wanted to go. 917 00:48:33,801 --> 00:48:34,932 Do it. 918 00:48:34,976 --> 00:48:36,673 What's stopping you? 919 00:48:51,383 --> 00:48:52,602 Okay. 920 00:48:52,645 --> 00:48:54,386 You want to hear the whole story? 921 00:48:55,866 --> 00:48:58,129 You're right, I have been selfish. 922 00:48:58,173 --> 00:49:00,784 You said it and I heard it. 923 00:49:00,828 --> 00:49:03,700 I don't know if anybody else could've gotten me to hear that, 924 00:49:03,744 --> 00:49:06,181 but you sure know how to get me to hear things. 925 00:49:06,224 --> 00:49:08,531 But I don't want to talk to you about that tonight, 926 00:49:08,574 --> 00:49:10,489 ladies and gentlemen. 927 00:49:10,533 --> 00:49:14,493 Tonight, I want to talk to you about someone I've known 928 00:49:14,537 --> 00:49:16,191 a very long time. 929 00:49:16,234 --> 00:49:18,933 Clever, loveable in a lot of ways, 930 00:49:18,976 --> 00:49:20,673 someone you'd think would be a good person 931 00:49:20,717 --> 00:49:23,372 with a lot to offer the world. 932 00:49:24,416 --> 00:49:26,157 Ladies and gentlemen... 933 00:49:26,201 --> 00:49:28,986 tonight, I want to talk to you 934 00:49:29,030 --> 00:49:30,771 about... 935 00:49:33,382 --> 00:49:34,513 ...myself. 936 00:49:42,870 --> 00:49:44,523 I'm a comedian. 937 00:49:44,567 --> 00:49:46,525 Which is a job like any other. 938 00:49:46,569 --> 00:49:48,832 Except instead of climbing 939 00:49:48,876 --> 00:49:50,616 into the gears of an enormous machine 940 00:49:50,660 --> 00:49:53,576 to chase a hat, like I assume all of you do, 941 00:49:53,619 --> 00:49:57,406 I come up here and I try and make people laugh. 942 00:49:57,449 --> 00:50:00,713 Why? Because I want to spread joy? 943 00:50:00,757 --> 00:50:02,846 Because I want the world to be a better place? 944 00:50:02,890 --> 00:50:05,718 Nope! It's because I'm a garbage can 945 00:50:05,762 --> 00:50:08,373 who needs lots of money and validation 946 00:50:08,417 --> 00:50:10,375 emptied right into me! 947 00:50:10,419 --> 00:50:12,351 I want people to come up to me 948 00:50:12,395 --> 00:50:14,292 on the street and ask for selfies! 949 00:50:14,336 --> 00:50:16,381 I don't even care if they know who I am. 950 00:50:16,425 --> 00:50:18,079 I just want them to think 951 00:50:18,122 --> 00:50:19,428 I'm somebody! 952 00:50:19,471 --> 00:50:21,604 And I want to have it so much 953 00:50:21,647 --> 00:50:23,040 that I want to be sick of it. 954 00:50:23,084 --> 00:50:25,564 I want them to come up to me and I want to be like, 955 00:50:25,608 --> 00:50:27,218 "Don't you know I'm just a garbage can 956 00:50:27,262 --> 00:50:30,047 who wants to live my own life?" 957 00:50:30,091 --> 00:50:32,093 Why do I want that? 958 00:50:34,573 --> 00:50:36,662 I don't know. 959 00:50:38,534 --> 00:50:40,536 But it doesn't matter. 960 00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,538 I am a bully. 961 00:50:43,128 --> 00:50:46,063 People are just material to me. 962 00:50:46,107 --> 00:50:48,500 I throw them away. 963 00:50:49,176 --> 00:50:51,677 I'm a country with one export 964 00:50:51,721 --> 00:50:53,897 and there's really only one thing 965 00:50:53,941 --> 00:50:56,349 left for me to give! 966 00:50:59,685 --> 00:51:02,471 Ladies and gentlemen, 967 00:51:02,514 --> 00:51:06,257 I've been Samir Wassan! 968 00:51:30,107 --> 00:51:32,015 Hey. Hey, dude. 969 00:51:32,067 --> 00:51:34,285 - You have fun? - Yeah, it was actually 970 00:51:34,329 --> 00:51:36,505 - really funny. - Glad you liked it. 971 00:51:37,419 --> 00:51:38,463 Oh, look. 972 00:51:38,507 --> 00:51:39,943 Didi Scott's right there. 973 00:51:39,987 --> 00:51:42,119 - You want to say hi? - No, I'm fine. 974 00:51:42,163 --> 00:51:44,687 You sure? Well, I'm gonna. 975 00:51:45,601 --> 00:51:47,820 Hey. You were hilarious. 976 00:51:47,864 --> 00:51:50,612 Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. 977 00:51:53,174 --> 00:51:56,177 Thank you. 978 00:51:59,920 --> 00:52:01,617 Something to take the pain away. 979 00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,532 Coming right up, Deeds. 980 00:52:06,491 --> 00:52:08,667 Well, holy shit. 981 00:52:08,711 --> 00:52:10,582 JC Wheeler. 982 00:52:11,424 --> 00:52:13,194 In the fleshy flesh. 983 00:52:14,543 --> 00:52:16,806 I saw your set. 984 00:52:18,590 --> 00:52:20,418 Wow. If... 985 00:52:20,462 --> 00:52:22,203 If you had any notes... 986 00:52:24,640 --> 00:52:26,990 Samir Wassan learned the hard way 987 00:52:27,034 --> 00:52:29,601 that sometimes, getting everything you want 988 00:52:29,645 --> 00:52:31,995 means losing everything you love. 989 00:52:32,696 --> 00:52:35,433 And after finally finding himself on the verge 990 00:52:35,477 --> 00:52:37,174 of becoming somebody, 991 00:52:37,218 --> 00:52:39,611 he chose instead to once again 992 00:52:39,655 --> 00:52:41,657 be a nobody. 993 00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:43,964 In the end, Samir's final encore 994 00:52:44,007 --> 00:52:46,876 is a show you can only buy a ticket to... 995 00:52:47,532 --> 00:52:49,491 in The Twilight Zone. 996 00:52:57,212 --> 00:53:02,414 CREDITS