When there's a poisonous snake When we smell smoke, we run.
When faced with danger, fear takes over, and we react,
- desperate to feel safe. - Jo!
You left while I was in the shower.
- What, are you avoiding me? - Yes.
Wait, not on purpose, no.
Sorry. Hi. I just...
Bailey's back to being chief tomorrow,
so I have one last shot at her full attention
about a new grant for my fellowship,
and I just... I figured that you would want to sleep in.
- Yeah, but I was in the shower. - Right.
Jo, it's me.
How long are we gonna do this?
Whatever happened with your birth mom, you can tell me.
Do you know what the funding limits are
on an R90 or R15 grant?
No. Jo...
Okay, I got to figure that out before Bailey gets here.
I'm... sorry.
It's biological... primal.
But for someone who suffers from trauma,
it's the everyday things...
a song in a coffee shop, the smell of rubbing alcohol..
...seemingly random, common things
convincing your brain and body you're in danger...
...and there is no way out.
Hi. What can I do for you?
I'm Dr. Karev.
Josephine. Jo.
- Um... - Mom, I can't find my shoes!
They're in the kitchen, and they smell!
Who ate all the cereal?
Honey, there's more in the pantry. Y...
Well, apparently, my kids forgot that they were old enough
to feed and clothe themselves today.
You have kids.
Um, listen, if you're... if you're selling magazines or...
or religion, we're good on both, so...
But thank you so much.
No, no. E-Emerson Hospital.
Oh, right, okay.
Well, if you just go here, and you take Willowbrook...
- No, no, I-I was... - ...and then you're gonna...
I was born at Emerson Hospital,
and soon after, I was left at the fire station on 47th Street.
I think that you're the person who left me.
I think you're my mother.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
You have your chemistry report?
It's a paper, Mom.
Yeah, as long as it's done,
you can call it whatever you like.
Hey, um, I'm thinking about Cal's Burgers tonight.
Celebrate your last day of sabbatical.
Can't.
I have a thing tonight.
With who?
With Kelly.
- There's a Kelly? - Define "thing."
We're just talking, is all.
So, you can't come have burgers with us,
because you're talking to Kelly.
- At a thing. - Here's fine.
We're nowhere near the school. What?
It's fine.
- Bye, love you! - Good luck with your re...
report!
It's a paper.
I know.
- Did he just put his arm around... - He put his hand...
Dr. Pannell to Plastics.
Oh, my God! Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, you... you have a... you have, um, a...
A-A crap sense of direction
and can't find my way to the ER.
It's one floor down, and then, if...
You know, why don't I take you?
You ever have just a garbage sort of day?
More times than I can count.
This way.
You'll need stitches.
I'll have a nurse bring you a blanket.
I feel so stupid.
I was putting away dishes and just...
smacked myself in the face with the cabinet.
Such an idiot.
That cut looks pretty deep,
so Dr. Qadri will have to numb it before we can clean it.
When did this happen?
Last night.
I thought it would be fine, but it just keeps bleeding.
Dr. Qadri and I can help with that.
I'm just gonna put a little Betadine around the area,
and you're just gonna feel a little stick and a burn.
Are you hurting anywhere else?
Hey. Dr. Bailey's been looking for you...
- something about a grant deadline? - Oh, okay.
Um, I'm gonna be right...
My patient here, Abby, she...
hit her face on a cabinet.
So if you could give us some room, please,
so I can suture her facial lac?
And tell Dr. Bailey that I will be a while.
Thank you.
Hey, why don't you sit up, okay?
We'll sit you up. Okay.
Is your belly hurting?
No, it's just the cheek.
You can fix it now, right? So I can go.
Dr. Qadri, um, can you go get me some 4-0 MONOCRYL,
and can we please close those?
Thank you.
Abby, it's just you and me.
You're hurt.
I am here to help.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I got you, Abby.
I'm not going anywhere.
Look, I don't know what you're after,
but you can't be here.
I'm not after anything.
I just want to talk.
You cannot be here.
Chip!
Hey, Chip. Come here.
Hey, buddy.
I'll, uh, put him out back and drop the kids at school.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just saying
that we're already familiar with the Book of Mormon, so...
Ah, saw the original cast. Loved it.
Not a big fan of the book, though, so... we're all set.
There's a diner... a few miles up.
Weird green roof?
Ira's?
One conversation.
And you will never hear from me again.
Just one.
Oh, right this way.
Can I get you a warm-up?
The coffee here sucks.
I've noticed.
I'm late for work. Um...
I work in the mayor's office.
Try to create jobs for under-served communities.
I'm sorry. You knocked on my door.
- I don't... - You have a house...
a really beautiful house.
Thank you...?
And kids and a husband and a dog
and crown frickin' moldings.
Do you need money? If this is about money...
I don't need your damn money.
Thank you.
Look, I'm not quite sure what you expected...
In my head, you worked at a diner half as nice as this.
And you didn't graduate high school,
or maybe you did but a year or two late
'cause they don't let pregnant girls finish high school.
And you scraped by somehow on...
hard work and the kindness of strangers,
but you had no one.
You had nothing.
That would make it okay that I left you?
I wanted you to have a better life than I could give you...
Now, that part I heard in my head.
I think it came from a made-for-TV movie.
No, I-I-I realized it
the minute it came out of my mouth, yes, um...
But it's true.
I really thought that you'd be better off...
What are their names?
- I'm sorry? - Your kids.
My brother and sister eating cereal in your perfect kitchen.
What are their names?
Alexandra is a senior in high school,
and, uh, Josh is in 10th.
And your husband, the, what, the... accountant?
Lawyer.
Is he my father?
No.
No, he is nothing like... no.
No, I met my husband in grad school.
Um...
His name is Daniel.
Daniel.
That's nice.
That's really nice.
You know, I-I... I appreciate a girl
with fire in her belly, but...
I didn't have a better life.
I wasn't better off.
No one found me adoring parents
who were dying for a newborn of their own to love.
I lived in foster homes so bad,
it was better to live in my car.
And when a man finally told me that he loved me,
I believed him,
even when he beat the crap out of me so bad I couldn't see.
So whatever life you had,
tell me it wasn't better than mine.
I should go.
At least you're consistent.
Did you honestly come here to punish me?
Consider it done.
I came because I don't know anything about where I'm from,
and I want to know.
Um...
My, um...
father's side is pure Irish.
My... My... My mother is Russian Jew and Italian.
I got all that from spitting in a tube.
My mother's parents...
died when she was young...
heart disease and cancer.
So I'm afraid that's in the mix.
Uh, there's no history of mental illness that I'm aware...
- That's not what I'm asking. - Then what do you want to know?
Something I can't get from spitting in a tube!
Ah.
I, um... I grew up on a farm in Kansas.
My childhood is a blur of chickens
and singing songs out in the field
when I should've been helping my mother.
I was spelling bee champion for four years in a row.
I love the smell of rosemary. I'm terrible at math.
Does that help? Does that help you at all?
- Do you know who you are now? - Forget it.
Just tell me who my father is, and I will try and find him.
You can't.
He's dead.
Geez, lady.
You don't want to, I don't know, soften it a little?
Well, I'm sorry, but that son of a bitch who hurt me
more than any other human being ever has...
died in a motorcycle accident 10 years ago.
Not the way that I would've hoped.
I would've preferred that he had been eaten by fire ants
or pulled apart limb from limb, but...
Wow.
You're just a monster, huh?
- Please sit down. - Abandoning me wasn't enough,
you just have to spread the pain around a little bit?
Sit down.
That's my father that you're talking about.
- No, it's not. He hurt me... - I'm so sorry
that your childhood sweetheart didn't pan out.
- So sorry. - He hurt me.
Please sit down, okay?
Please sit down.
He was a TA...
...when I was a freshman in undergrad.
He chased after me for weeks for a date.
He, um, sent me flowers and proclamations
until, finally, I said yes.
I said... I said yes to that date.
I said... yes to going...
to Braden's Point to watch the sunset.
And...
Then he started kissing me and touching me.
And I said no.
And I continued to say no.
And I fought him.
I fought as hard as I could,
but he would not take no for an answer.
So...
nine months later, I had a baby.
I had you, and then...
five days later, I didn't.
Qadri, let's get her
IM Toradol for the pain
and keep her NPO for now.
Is there someone that we can call?
Family member or a friend?
My husband's in Portland on a business trip.
I don't want to... bother him.
It's okay. I called her here to help.
- Hi. - Hi.
Why do I need another doctor?
Can't I just keep you two?
It's Abby, right? Hi.
Dr. Karev and Dr. Qadri will still be your doctors,
but would it be okay if I helped?
May I do an ultrasound just to check for internal injuries?
- Okay. Great. - All right, here we go.
Let's lie you back.
I got you.
That's it, I got you.
Okay, you're almost there.
- Okay. - All right.
Okay.
Just gonna open your robe.
Now a little gel.
All right, you'll feel just a little pressure.
There we go. Good job.
All right, Abby, you do have a tear in your diaphragm,
and it's caused your abdominal organs
to move up into your chest.
You're gonna need a surgery.
Fine.
Whatever you need to do so I can go home.
All right, Dr. Karev, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
- No, no, can you stay? - I'll just be right outside.
I won't be more than a couple minutes...
Y-You can't... You can't leave, please?
Just do the surgery, and then I can go home,
- and then it'll be over. - All right.
We'll let them know to prep the OR.
Qadri, come with me. Thanks.
Dr. Yates to Pediatrics.
Book an OR, but do not let the nurses or anyone else
do an antibiotic prep.
So we're not operating on her?
Abby's wounds are consistent
with someone who's been sexually assaulted,
and if that's true,
when the nurses prep her with an antibiotic solution,
evidence will be erased.
So we wait.
We wait and give Abby the chance to talk
without taking more of the agency than she's already lost.
Go book the OR and come straight back.
Okay.
Hey. Are you sure there isn't someone we can call?
Can we ask you how you got hurt?
Does it matter?
You said you can fix it, right?
Abby, I want you to know
that you don't have to tell us anything.
We can bring a counselor down for you to talk to.
No. No more doctors.
I have enough doctors, and I don't need a shrink.
I just... need my stomach to stop hurting is all.
Okay.
How did you get that?
My neighbor's kids like to play street hockey,
and I'm crap at it.
- I don't think that's true. - Dr. Karev.
You keep looking at each other, but I'm right here,
so one of you say whatever the hell it is
you're trying so hard not to say.
- Abby... - I'm worried your husband hurt you,
and from the marks on your legs,
possibly sexually assaulted you.
Dr. Karev, hallway. Now.
Jack would never. He's never raised his voice.
- He's calm. - Then someone else did...
Isn't the OR ready by now?
'Cause this hurts like a...
Abby, if we take you to the OR,
we have to make you sterile,
so everything that happened to you, all the evidence,
it all goes away.
You can still report it.
I'm not reporting anything. There's nothing to report.
That is your choice. It is all your choice.
But if something happened... if it did...
we could gather the evidence and seal it away
until you are ready to do something about it.
We all know if I do that kit...
it ends up in the back of some police station,
ignored for years,
while I sit there wondering when the bomb will go off,
waiting to see if a jury of my peers will believe...
...believe a woman
who wore a skirt a few inches too short,
who had a few cocktails too many at a bar last night
after having a fight
about laundry with her husband.
And you know the tequila I drank will make it my fault,
and whoever did this to me, whatever he drank...
that'll be his excuse!
Is your kit gonna convince them I wasn't flirting at the bar?
If I give them my story and my underwear,
will it prove to them... or to my husband...
that I didn't cheat on him and make up some story
just to save my own ass?
Okay...
Will your kit do that?!
O... All... All right, deep breath.
That's it.
Slow deep breath.
My ex-husband, he hurt me.
Not in the way that you were hurt, but he hit me...
he hurt me, for years.
And I was so, so terrified.
And so convinced that no one would believe me,
and I was so, so alone...
I never had the chance or the choice
to hold him responsible.
I can't imagine
how you are feeling right now.
I can't.
But, one day, you might feel differently.
You might want justice,
and I want you to have everything you need to do that.
My husband... he can never know.
He won't have to.
Do it.
Just do the damn kit.
Okay. Okay.
That's it. There you go.
There you go.
Are you ready?
You have to say it.
It's the law.
You say yes, we go to the next step.
You say no at any time, we stop.
- Okay. - Okay.
Yes.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Abby, we're done.
I'm here, okay.
I'm right here.
You're okay.
Abby, you're okay.
You never told anyone.
The police, your parents...
I convinced the few people who noticed
that it was just the freshman 15,
and I was able to dodge Christmas break
by lying about... finals and work studies.
You didn't tell anyone you were pregnant?
No, no.
I mean, it...
it wasn't until years after it happened that...
After I happened.
After the rape happened.
After I was raped.
I eventually found my way to therapy,
and I did all the work,
and I wrote in journals,
and I learned all the PTSD triggers.
I-I actually had to work through
calling it "rape" to begin with.
Because I did say yes to that date,
and I did say yes to getting in that car, and...
Someone somewhere along the way...
a man, most likely...
decided they wanted to qualify this word, "rape."
You know, date rape, a-acquaintance rape.
Somehow, it... it... it... it's... it's not as real
unless it happens to a woman
who's running through the park at night or...
or walking down a dark alley.
As somehow, because I knew him,
what he took from me didn't matter.
But it did matter.
I found a way to hear that.
I found a way to believe that.
And I...
I found a way to move forward.
You got therapy.
Yeah.
You moved forward.
Mm-hmm.
And you didn't once try and find me?
I was petrified.
I was petrified every single moment of my pregnancy.
I mean, it was bad enough that I had to see his face
every day in class.
I was so terrified...
imagining that you'd be a boy
and that you'd have his face and his voice.
And every day, every kick, every movement,
it just reminded me where you came from.
But, you know, movies and books and... and magazines,
they just kept talking about this...
love that you feel the minute your baby is born.
How instantaneous it is
and how, um, your heart just cracks wide open, and...
And I remember, I kept telling myself
that as soon as I had you in my arms
that I could do that
and that I would do that.
Other women did it, so why couldn't I?
So I gave the hospital a fake name.
I left with you... the day you were born.
I remember they wanted me to stay,
and they wanted me to rest, but I just wanted to get out.
I just wanted to get out of there, and I just wanted...
I just wanted to be alone with you,
and I just wanted it to be the two of us, and...
...and I wanted to stare at you and hold you...
...'til that love came.
But it never did.
No, it did.
It did.
Everything they said was absolutely right.
My heart cracked wide open.
It was never just us,
no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did.
I was just a reminder of him.
I resented you so much for it.
I spent most of my life...
doubting everyone I ever met,
leaving them before they could leave me.
I am a grown woman
With a job that I love and friends I love
and a husband who loves me,
and still...
still...
I was walking around, uh, waiting,
wondering if you would ever find me.
If you would ever say that you're sorry.
I did the best I could.
The best you could would've been to find an adoption agency
and make sure I had a home and someone to love me,
not toss me away like garbage.
It is so easy to look at me now
and think of all the ways
that I could've been kinder, better, or smarter,
but...
...I was not the person I am today.
I was not in my right mind.
I wasn't in my mind at all.
That night that... that he held me down, screaming.
That night that he had his hands around my throat
until I stopped screaming,
when I was hovering over my own body
while he was tearing away at me,
that night that he smiled
and he forced me to say that I liked it,
when he laughed and...
...promised that we could do it any time that I wanted to...
...that was the night that I lost my right mind.
He stole it from me, and for nine months...
for nine months, I pretended I was fine.
I pretended that I wasn't a zombie,
that I wasn't numb or dead inside.
And then, the day that you were born,
I held you, and I looked at your face,
and I...
...I could feel again for the first time,
but...
...my mind...
...that took years to come back.
In fact, I'm... Part of it never did.
Of course you deserved better.
I didn't have better to give you.
I was seven weeks pregnant
when my ex-husband cracked my ribs
and threw me across the living room floor.
He didn't know that I was pregnant,
and I decided in that moment that he could never know.
I couldn't... I couldn't see a way out.
Not then, at least.
I knew that, if I tried to leave,
he would kill me.
But I also knew that I couldn't raise a kid
in that... fear, and in that danger.
You had an abortion.
I've never told anyone that.
I don't know why. I'm not ashamed of it.
I...
I did what I had to do.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Do I look like him?
You have my father's eyes...
but the hair is all mine.
And maybe the fire in the belly.
I did the best I could,
and I'm still...
I'm sorry. I'm still just doing the best I can.
She's becoming increasingly tachypneic.
Let OR 1 know that we're on our way.
Abby, it's time.
We have to go up now.
No. I'm not... I'm not ready. I'm...
Abby, I know you're scared.
No, you're gonna... you're gonna...
you're gonna take me out and knock me out where I...
the last time I was out, h-he knocked me out.
Abby. Abby, listen to me.
If we don't do this surgery now, it could kill you.
I can't.
I can't leave here, this room.
Everyone has his face, every man.
It's all I see.
Even when I close my eyes...
Please. I can't see his face.
Please don't I... make me see his face, please.
You don't have to, Abby.
You don't have to.
Okay.
Tuck says they're talking. What is that? Talking?
I think they're dating.
Mnh. Why do they do that?
Why do they insist on coming up with new words
when the old words were just fine?
It's not funny.
Well, you... you do sound a little, you know,
"Get off my lawn!"
No.
I want him to be happy.
I want him to, you know,
have the butterflies and first love and all that.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, just not so soon.
We're gonna have to sit his butt down
and teach him about respect...
...empathy, consent.
Condoms... Oh, dear Lord.
I have to talk to my son about condoms.
100%.
Or...
I could sit down with him.
It can be on you.
But my dad gave me this talk, and it worked.
Mm, I gotta go.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
You, uh... You can't go through there.
Well, why not?
Because I've been asked to see that you don't.
Wha...
Well, but she can go?
Yes, sir.
Dr. Karev asked us to all stand here?
Do we know why?
Just... that a patient needs us.
She needs all of us.
Okay.
Okay, ladies, we need you all to line up
either on the right side or left.
Please keep this middle aisle clear.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Ready?
I'm staying right here.
I've seen soldiers like this.
Young women and young men, brutalized,
with no idea how to talk about it.
What you did today with Abby, that was not protocol...
I know, I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm saying it should be.
Abby, hi.
We were able to repair your diaphragm.
We had to place in a chest tube for drainage,
but that'll probably come out in a few days.
And your kit will stay here, if you decide to report it.
You think I should do it, don't you?
That is not our call to make.
But we do think that you should talk to someone.
Doesn't have to be your husband.
But someone.
I keep going over it in my head.
If I hadn't been so distracted by my phone.
If I had just trusted my gut
and not gone down that street with the broken lamplights.
Abby.
This was not your fault.
You didn't ask for this.
There is nothing you did to deserve this.
I can't.
I just can't...
Okay, that's okay.
I'll check in on you in a little bit, all right?
Try to get some rest.
Dr. Felix to the ER.
Jack...
He's gonna look at me and see this broken person.
If I tell him this, it's all he'll ever see.
Abby, look at me.
This doesn't define you.
And whether you tell your husband or you report it
or you don't tell another soul, you're a survivor.
You survived.
I still feel nauseous when I see
men in expensive shoes with the points of the toes,
because that's how my ex-husband made my kidney bleed.
For years, I thought I got what I deserved,
that I was responsible, that maybe,
just maybe if I had said or done one thing differently...
But none of that was your fault.
No.
It's not your fault.
Do you have a phone I can use?
Yes.
Will you stay?
As long as you need.
Any game we watch on TV... right? they...
they run, toss, wrestle, chase, until someone gets hurt.
Or until someone calls "time out."
Then the game stops.
And no matter how much fun they're having,
everything stops.
That's consent.
I thought we were just having burgers.
Yeah, well, I thought talking was just talking,
but you and I both know that's not the same thing anymore,
so...
You pay attention to the girl you're with, all right?
You... You... You need to care about her feelings,
her... her joy,
at... at least as much as you care about your own.
Okay, okay.
And she gets to change her mind. At any time.
I mean, if she says "stop," or if she stops having fun, you...
you just plain stop.
Time out.
Game over.
I know.
Being with someone you like is...
There's nothing like it, and I want you to be safe and happy,
but that only happens if she is, too.
Okay.
Say it.
If she stops having fun, just plain stop.
Time out. Game over.
Always.
Now, pass those fries and tell me what this Kelly is like.
Yeah.
Too often, trauma gets dismissed
as "just in our head."
But the pain is real.
We feel it...
in our muscles, our cells,
our hearts, our heads.
And while there's no magic fix...
...no pill to make it disappear,
we can ask for help.
Hey, I'm officially no longer the interim chief,
and officially starving.
Can I take you out to celebrate?
I've had a rough day.
I don't really feel like celebrating.
Yeah, well, we can just talk.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed.
All right, well, we can do that.
Alex, I'm tired.
Can you just go celebrate with Meredith?
Jo, it's me. You can talk to me.
What... you think with all my family crap
that I'm gonna judge you?
I'm not going to judge.
Just, I just want you talk to me.
I don't want to talk about it.
Alex, I...
I can't talk about it.
I just want to go home.
I want to go home alone.
I want to go home and sleep.
Please.
It wont change tell our truth.
Whenever we are ready.