1
00:00:02,994 --> 00:00:04,619
I'm beat. Can you turn off the light?

2
00:00:04,721 --> 00:00:06,721
Yeah, just give me a second.

3
00:00:06,823 --> 00:00:10,091
5... 4... 3...

4
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:11,993
2... 1.

5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,795
You missed our anniversary.

6
00:00:35,585 --> 00:00:37,018
Wow, that's pretty good.

7
00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:39,587
Uh-oh.

8
00:00:39,608 --> 00:00:40,881
Oh, no.

9
00:00:41,758 --> 00:00:43,558
Ohh.

10
00:00:46,563 --> 00:00:47,662
Ohh!

11
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,199
Oh.

12
00:01:00,677 --> 00:01:03,077
Honey, the deli warned you
about those peppers.

13
00:01:03,179 --> 00:01:04,679
I thought they were exaggerating.

14
00:01:05,492 --> 00:01:06,247
Wow.

15
00:01:06,349 --> 00:01:07,882
Maybe they do have the
world's best pastrami.

16
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:10,018
That's a lot of food. Who's coming?

17
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,619
Luke, Dylan, and Bill.

18
00:01:11,721 --> 00:01:13,988
Gotta keep my posse in meat
while we watch two top fighters

19
00:01:14,090 --> 00:01:16,024
battling in the pay-per-view
event of the century.

20
00:01:16,126 --> 00:01:18,826
That is so unlike you to
watch Ultimate Fighting.

21
00:01:18,928 --> 00:01:20,495
That's insane. I love a good battle.

22
00:01:20,563 --> 00:01:21,496
Boxing, MMA...

23
00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:23,498
- Lip Sync.
- Which get brutal.

24
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:27,068
I want to be a role model
to this family's next generation of men.

25
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,737
So, I'm hosting a fight night

26
00:01:29,806 --> 00:01:32,407
with, uh, Luke, Dylan,
and Alex's boyfriend, Bill,

27
00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:36,377
where I will begin the process
of inspiring them and imparting wisdom.

28
00:01:36,479 --> 00:01:38,112
I figure they have to listen to me.

29
00:01:38,214 --> 00:01:39,847
I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two

30
00:01:39,949 --> 00:01:42,050
do unspeakable things to my daughters.

31
00:01:42,152 --> 00:01:44,485
So, who's the top card
on the fight tonight?

32
00:01:44,554 --> 00:01:46,421
- I'm gonna say a Latin guy...
- Mm-hmm.

33
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:47,722
...and a Russian.

34
00:01:48,892 --> 00:01:49,991
The fight just gets my boys in the door.

35
00:01:50,093 --> 00:01:51,392
What's gonna knock them
out is when I wow them

36
00:01:51,494 --> 00:01:53,094
with all the amazing
things I've lived through.

37
00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:54,962
- Snooze.
- Not the way I do it.

38
00:01:55,065 --> 00:01:57,498
I've updated the lyrics to
Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

39
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,167
- Huh.
- It's not everyone who can rhyme

40
00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:01,269
"Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place."

41
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,238
I still can't find any '90s thing
that rhymes with "Michael Bay."

42
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,708
Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K...

43
00:02:06,810 --> 00:02:07,875
Don't you have someplace to be?

44
00:02:07,977 --> 00:02:09,377
It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.

45
00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:12,313
Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day,"
Tammy Faye...

46
00:02:14,284 --> 00:02:15,249
Hello.

47
00:02:15,351 --> 00:02:17,018
Speaking.

48
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,399
Yes, of course I'll hold.

49
00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,922
Gloria, it's CalShopTV.

50
00:02:21,024 --> 00:02:23,491
I think they're gonna give me
a slot to sell my dog beds.

51
00:02:23,593 --> 00:02:24,759
CalShopTV?

52
00:02:24,861 --> 00:02:27,128
The Southland's premier
shopping network?

53
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,330
I watch it all the time.

54
00:02:29,432 --> 00:02:30,832
And so do all my friends.

55
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,300
This is big time, Gloria.

56
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,469
People buy all sorts of crap on there.

57
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:37,271
Hey, I'll finally
get to use my spray-on hair!

58
00:02:37,373 --> 00:02:38,473
Great,

59
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,975
it's all coming together for you.

60
00:02:41,548 --> 00:02:43,611
This is a long time to be on hold.

61
00:02:43,713 --> 00:02:46,180
I've never been this stressed
out listening to James Taylor.

62
00:02:46,282 --> 00:02:48,082
Hang up. If it's good news,

63
00:02:48,184 --> 00:02:49,751
- they're gonna call you back.
- What do you mean "if"?

64
00:02:49,853 --> 00:02:51,352
It's gotta be good news, right?
I mean...

65
00:02:51,454 --> 00:02:53,521
I mean, it shouldn't take
this long for a "yes"...

66
00:02:53,623 --> 00:02:55,123
Are they calling to say "no"?

67
00:02:55,225 --> 00:02:56,958
Are these sons of bitches rejecting me?

68
00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,659
Like I need this cheesy, third-rate...

69
00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,294
Yes, I'm still here.

70
00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:02,196
Tonight? Of course! I'll see you then!

71
00:03:02,935 --> 00:03:04,065
Gloria, they want me!

72
00:03:04,134 --> 00:03:06,167
It's the primo 10:00 p.m. slot...

73
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,103
Exactly when people are drunk
enough to make bad decisions,

74
00:03:09,205 --> 00:03:11,873
but not so drunk they can't read
the back of their credit cards.

75
00:03:11,975 --> 00:03:14,976
You know what would be
the coolest move ever?

76
00:03:15,078 --> 00:03:17,478
If you don't tell anyone
that you're doing it.

77
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:18,880
Tell them after.

78
00:03:18,982 --> 00:03:21,849
Be like, "Yeah, I was on TV, whatever."

79
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,557
- Happy anniversary!
- Oh, my gosh.

80
00:03:29,659 --> 00:03:32,126
I'm... I'm so sorry
I forgot yesterday, um,

81
00:03:32,228 --> 00:03:35,363
but I love you, and I hope that
this makes up for it.

82
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,665
Oh, thank you, you did... Mitchell...

83
00:03:38,659 --> 00:03:41,202
A belt buckle, I love it!

84
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,937
Yeah, see, I thought this was a uterus,

85
00:03:43,039 --> 00:03:44,672
but they told me it's a longhorn.

86
00:03:44,774 --> 00:03:46,908
- Yeah, a Texas longhorn.
- No, just a longhorn.

87
00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:48,676
I thought you could wear it
line dancing tonight.

88
00:03:48,745 --> 00:03:50,478
Are you sure I can't
convince you to come?

89
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:52,180
You know,
it's two-for-one Alabama Slammers

90
00:03:52,248 --> 00:03:54,715
- and Oklahoma Comas.
- You know, I'd rather stay here

91
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,751
and have a free drink
without a sad ending.

92
00:03:57,354 --> 00:03:58,386
Boys' night!

93
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,588
Unlike in high school
and most of college,

94
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,824
- by choice.
- Where's the opener?

95
00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:05,159
You don't need an opener. Hand it over.

96
00:04:05,261 --> 00:04:08,095
Let me show you how it used to be done.

97
00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:10,565
- Oh, dear God.
- Oh.

98
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,300
No one tell Claire I did that.

99
00:04:12,368 --> 00:04:15,603
You know my friend Corey who comes
over here and broke that lamp?

100
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,772
There is no Corey.
We'll blame it on him.

101
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:19,407
Okay.

102
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,642
I learned that trick
on a log in the woods.

103
00:04:21,744 --> 00:04:24,345
I was, uh, hanging out
with my biker buddies.

104
00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:25,613
We'd just pedaled out...

105
00:04:25,715 --> 00:04:26,948
You know what happened
to me in the woods once?

106
00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:29,684
I was bow hunting,
this freak blizzard hits.

107
00:04:29,786 --> 00:04:31,686
I had to literally cut open an elk,

108
00:04:31,788 --> 00:04:34,355
clean his guts out,
climb inside for the whole night

109
00:04:34,457 --> 00:04:35,790
just to keep from freezing.

110
00:04:35,892 --> 00:04:36,657
- Wow.
- No way.

111
00:04:36,759 --> 00:04:38,926
I once found a bird's nest

112
00:04:38,995 --> 00:04:40,561
on the ground. True story.

113
00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:41,929
So, then what happened, Bill?

114
00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:44,198
Oh, be careful.
My dad tried one of those earlier

115
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:45,199
and my mom said he cried.

116
00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:46,767
I didn't cry.
That was sweat from my eyes.

117
00:04:46,836 --> 00:04:48,336
- I mean, I'll try one.
- No, don't, Bill.

118
00:04:48,438 --> 00:04:49,570
I drank all the milk!

119
00:04:50,673 --> 00:04:52,206
Mmm.

120
00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:53,875
Missing something.
I think it needs some Tabasco.

121
00:04:53,977 --> 00:04:55,343
Bill, you're the man.

122
00:04:55,411 --> 00:04:57,378
Come on, hardly.
I'm not even the man here.

123
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,713
Oh, well, thank you, Bill.

124
00:04:58,815 --> 00:04:59,747
Dylan, tell them
about that life you saved

125
00:04:59,782 --> 00:05:01,048
at the hospital the other night.

126
00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,617
Oh, I never thought I'd see

127
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,485
someone with a golf
club through his neck...

128
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,487
Come on, let's not make Dylan
compete with bird's nest.

129
00:05:06,589 --> 00:05:08,189
It's fight time, gents,

130
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:10,658
courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy!

131
00:05:11,108 --> 00:05:12,059
No need for each of you

132
00:05:12,095 --> 00:05:13,628
to Venmo me $19. I got this.

133
00:05:13,696 --> 00:05:15,663
Things are, uh... Things are going well.

134
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,766
Wait, what's... what's going on?

135
00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:20,768
- I bought the fight.
- Go to "Purchases."

136
00:05:22,105 --> 00:05:23,471
Dad, you didn't buy MMA.

137
00:05:23,506 --> 00:05:25,806
- You bought "Mamma Mia."
- Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"?

138
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:27,675
I've seen it, like, three ti...
I mean...

139
00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:29,877
Well, you guys want to see
a video I took on my phone

140
00:05:29,979 --> 00:05:31,479
of a guy's car exploding?

141
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,947
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

142
00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:33,948
Check this out.

143
00:05:34,050 --> 00:05:35,082
I'm just saying,

144
00:05:35,151 --> 00:05:37,551
as someone who was
actually born in a barn,

145
00:05:37,654 --> 00:05:39,754
- that's an unfair stereotype.
- Okay, yes.

146
00:05:39,856 --> 00:05:41,222
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey, hey.

147
00:05:41,324 --> 00:05:42,690
Don't all turn at once.

148
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,825
Comin' in the front door, poser alert.

149
00:05:44,894 --> 00:05:47,628
- Where?
- Oh, that is a bad look.

150
00:05:47,697 --> 00:05:49,297
Oh, is that a price tag
still on his hat?

151
00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:51,999
Oh, Lord. I think he bought it today.

152
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:53,668
Here he comes. Here he comes. 2:00.

153
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,603
Your 2:00 or mine?

154
00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:58,639
? You've got me thinking
it might be... ?

155
00:05:58,741 --> 00:06:00,274
- Oh, God, it's mine.
- Cam!

156
00:06:00,376 --> 00:06:02,080
Surprise!

157
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,212
- Do you know him?
- A little.

158
00:06:07,365 --> 00:06:09,012
Representative.

159
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:12,482
Representative.

160
00:06:12,584 --> 00:06:14,117
Dunphy.

161
00:06:14,219 --> 00:06:16,552
Dun-phy.

162
00:06:16,621 --> 00:06:17,954
Dun... No.

163
00:06:18,023 --> 00:06:19,856
No, no, no. I'm not done.

164
00:06:19,924 --> 00:06:21,724
I'm not done! Come on!

165
00:06:24,896 --> 00:06:26,062
Somewhat satisfied.

166
00:06:26,131 --> 00:06:27,764
I couldn't get through
to the cable company.

167
00:06:27,832 --> 00:06:28,798
I had to think fast...

168
00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:30,733
These guys were here to watch a fight,

169
00:06:30,802 --> 00:06:33,102
so I decided to show them

170
00:06:33,171 --> 00:06:36,105
the most epic battle of all time.

171
00:06:36,141 --> 00:06:38,374
- Wax on...
- This Daniel dude

172
00:06:38,443 --> 00:06:40,043
is about to get his ass kicked.

173
00:06:40,145 --> 00:06:41,611
He's had no real training.

174
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,380
You gotta do push-ups, cardio...

175
00:06:44,482 --> 00:06:45,748
Waxing a car?

176
00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,383
That's how we haze the
probies at the firehouse.

177
00:06:47,452 --> 00:06:50,086
Yeah, why's the kid still
listening to that crazy old man?

178
00:06:50,155 --> 00:06:52,021
He's not crazy, he's wise.

179
00:06:52,090 --> 00:06:54,657
There was a time when young
people respected mentorship.

180
00:06:54,726 --> 00:06:56,859
Seems like he's just
using him to do chores.

181
00:06:56,928 --> 00:06:59,195
Oh, God, he's doing
that scarecrow move again.

182
00:06:59,297 --> 00:07:02,198
Why? It's completely wobbly
and you can't get any leverage.

183
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:04,701
It's called the crane
and it's unstoppable.

184
00:07:04,769 --> 00:07:06,302
I don't know about unstoppable.

185
00:07:06,337 --> 00:07:08,838
It's a sophisticated move that
uses the grace of the human...

186
00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:09,872
Well, don't do that.

187
00:07:11,576 --> 00:07:13,042
See? The old dude has no
idea what he's talking about.

188
00:07:13,078 --> 00:07:15,244
Stop calling him the old dude.
He's my age!

189
00:07:15,313 --> 00:07:17,814
And he's just trying
to shape a young mind!

190
00:07:21,019 --> 00:07:23,886
- Hey. Oh, wow, there we go.
- Hi. Oh.

191
00:07:23,922 --> 00:07:26,989
I'm so happy you're here.
Such a sweet gesture.

192
00:07:27,058 --> 00:07:28,424
My gosh, and look at your new boots.

193
00:07:28,526 --> 00:07:29,692
- Look at those boots.
- Yeah.

194
00:07:29,761 --> 00:07:31,494
So shiny and blue.

195
00:07:31,563 --> 00:07:33,429
Anyway, honey, you know, you're looking

196
00:07:33,498 --> 00:07:36,099
- just a little bit store-bought cowboy...
- Oh.

197
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,433
...so maybe lose something...

198
00:07:37,535 --> 00:07:39,235
That's embarrassing. There we go.

199
00:07:39,304 --> 00:07:41,938
Oh, more fringe. Wow. Oh, my gosh.

200
00:07:42,006 --> 00:07:43,639
I feel like Tina Turner
with all this, you know?

201
00:07:43,708 --> 00:07:44,941
Country folk don't shimmy.

202
00:07:45,009 --> 00:07:46,976
- They don't? Are you sure?
- Stop shimmying. Stop.

203
00:07:47,045 --> 00:07:48,010
Okay, okay. Still learning.

204
00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:49,612
Uh, but look. I, uh...

205
00:07:49,714 --> 00:07:51,848
I bought a buckle, huh? Just like yours?

206
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:53,649
- Oh, I...
- Where is it?

207
00:07:53,718 --> 00:07:55,218
W-Well, you know what? It's so fancy,

208
00:07:55,286 --> 00:07:56,719
and I didn't want to show
off in front of my friends.

209
00:07:56,788 --> 00:07:58,621
They're not as well off as we are, so...

210
00:07:58,690 --> 00:08:00,490
- Line 'em up, little doggies!
- Oh!

211
00:08:00,558 --> 00:08:01,958
Reckon I can have this dance?

212
00:08:02,026 --> 00:08:04,127
Well, it's a line dance.
It's very complicated.

213
00:08:04,195 --> 00:08:05,795
Well, I'll pick it up.
Remember how fast I learned

214
00:08:05,864 --> 00:08:07,597
the hora at Pepper's adult bar-mitzvah?

215
00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:09,298
Cam! Over here!

216
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:10,399
All right. Yeah, here we go.

217
00:08:10,502 --> 00:08:12,935
Do it. Okay.

218
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,773
Oh, it just starts.

219
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:18,808
There it is.

220
00:08:18,877 --> 00:08:20,343
- Sorry, sorry.
- It's okay.

221
00:08:20,411 --> 00:08:21,577
Okay.

222
00:08:21,646 --> 00:08:22,645
Mitchell, scoot your boot.

223
00:08:27,352 --> 00:08:28,518
- Sorry.
- Mitchell, it's that way.

224
00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:30,820
- Okay, sorry. Okay, sorry.
- Oh, my gosh!

225
00:08:30,922 --> 00:08:32,755
- I'm sorry, was that me? Was that me?
- Oh, my gosh! Mitchell!

226
00:08:32,857 --> 00:08:34,357
Mitchell! Come on.

227
00:08:34,425 --> 00:08:36,225
- Help me up, help me up, help me up.
- Get some traction.

228
00:08:36,294 --> 00:08:38,094
Use your spurs! Dig 'em into the floor.

229
00:08:38,163 --> 00:08:39,395
Get your feet under you, cowboy.

230
00:08:39,464 --> 00:08:41,130
Okay, I got it.
That's what the spurs are for.

231
00:08:41,199 --> 00:08:42,732
- All right.
- All right.

232
00:08:42,801 --> 00:08:44,901
- Excuse us. Promenade.
- Sorry.

233
00:08:45,003 --> 00:08:47,103
Do you think they'll
be doing the hora next?

234
00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:48,604
Y-You know what?
I'm... I'm... I'm not really comfortable

235
00:08:48,706 --> 00:08:50,139
with you leaving Lily home alone.

236
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:52,208
Oh, she's not home alone.
I have Claire watching her.

237
00:08:52,277 --> 00:08:54,377
Really? I-I've never
seen those two talk.

238
00:08:59,918 --> 00:09:03,052
I'm afraid of Lily. W...
I know that sounds horrible.

239
00:09:03,154 --> 00:09:06,923
What I mean to say is
that lately I am unnerved

240
00:09:06,958 --> 00:09:08,457
by the way she'll just sit there,

241
00:09:08,526 --> 00:09:11,093
quietly staring, judging me.

242
00:09:11,162 --> 00:09:13,996
So, to put it in kinder terms,

243
00:09:14,065 --> 00:09:16,065
I'm afraid of Lily.

244
00:09:17,135 --> 00:09:18,367
- Aunt Claire?
- Yes?

245
00:09:18,436 --> 00:09:19,302
What, honey?

246
00:09:19,370 --> 00:09:20,403
Why don't you like me?

247
00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:22,538
What? I like you.

248
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,740
I-I love you.

249
00:09:24,843 --> 00:09:27,143
In fact, I told everyone

250
00:09:27,212 --> 00:09:29,312
I was watching you tonight so they...

251
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:31,113
they all know where I am.

252
00:09:31,216 --> 00:09:32,748
Oh.

253
00:09:32,817 --> 00:09:34,183
I kind of thought you didn't like me.

254
00:09:34,285 --> 00:09:35,451
What gave you that idea?

255
00:09:35,553 --> 00:09:37,687
Because you don't really talk to me,

256
00:09:37,755 --> 00:09:39,155
and you shoot me these looks,

257
00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:40,423
and I feel like you're judging.

258
00:09:40,491 --> 00:09:42,458
I get nervous around you
'cause you're so cool.

259
00:09:43,485 --> 00:09:44,961
That's really sweet.

260
00:09:45,029 --> 00:09:46,028
Wait, are you being mean?

261
00:09:46,097 --> 00:09:48,130
No. Why does everyone
always ask me that?

262
00:09:48,199 --> 00:09:50,900
No one has called me cool in years.

263
00:09:51,002 --> 00:09:51,901
Ever...

264
00:09:51,970 --> 00:09:53,569
I love the way you don't give a damn.

265
00:09:53,638 --> 00:09:56,305
Well, I do play by my own rules.

266
00:09:56,407 --> 00:09:57,673
You do what you want.

267
00:09:57,709 --> 00:09:59,976
You don't care who you piss off
or what anyone thinks of you.

268
00:10:00,044 --> 00:10:02,612
This compliment is starting to sound
a little bit like an insult.

269
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,380
Well, look who I live with.

270
00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:06,015
Honey.

271
00:10:06,084 --> 00:10:07,483
Tell you what. Let's hang out,

272
00:10:07,552 --> 00:10:09,118
get to know each other,
do something fun.

273
00:10:09,187 --> 00:10:11,587
Ooh, let's create a Tinder
profile of a really hot girl

274
00:10:11,656 --> 00:10:13,356
and see what pictures guys send us.

275
00:10:13,424 --> 00:10:14,857
Hm...

276
00:10:14,926 --> 00:10:16,359
I need to be the grown-up here,

277
00:10:16,461 --> 00:10:18,227
but I really do want to do that.

278
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:20,630
What's this?

279
00:10:20,732 --> 00:10:22,798
Manny and I were
thinking that you should

280
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:25,034
rehearse a little bit before going on TV

281
00:10:25,136 --> 00:10:27,136
where people we know are gonna see you.

282
00:10:27,205 --> 00:10:29,238
I don't need to rehearse.
Do you know how many commercials

283
00:10:29,307 --> 00:10:30,706
I did for Pritchett's Closets?

284
00:10:30,775 --> 00:10:33,042
This is live TV.
It's a whole different beast.

285
00:10:33,144 --> 00:10:34,477
Okay, but don't overdo it, all right?

286
00:10:34,579 --> 00:10:35,711
I want to keep it fresh.

287
00:10:35,813 --> 00:10:38,981
Mom, you're the host in 3... 2...

288
00:10:40,051 --> 00:10:43,352
Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV.

289
00:10:43,421 --> 00:10:46,255
I am a perky blonde
who is easily amazed.

290
00:10:46,324 --> 00:10:48,591
I'm Jay Pritchett.
I'll bet you were expecting

291
00:10:48,693 --> 00:10:50,526
- to hear about closets...
- O-Okay, stop.

292
00:10:50,595 --> 00:10:51,894
Why are you mentioning closets?

293
00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:54,897
Jay, everybody knows that
you're the king of closets.

294
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:56,866
If there was a closet hall of fame,

295
00:10:56,968 --> 00:10:58,000
you would be in it.

296
00:10:58,102 --> 00:10:59,735
If? What do you think we were doing

297
00:10:59,804 --> 00:11:01,437
that weekend in Corning, New York?

298
00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:02,805
Let's just stay on topic.

299
00:11:02,907 --> 00:11:05,408
And try using colorful language
to describe your product

300
00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:07,176
like "stunning" or "delicious."

301
00:11:07,245 --> 00:11:09,578
"Delicious"?
If my dad heard me say that,

302
00:11:09,681 --> 00:11:11,280
he'd have punched me,
and I'd have been grateful.

303
00:11:11,382 --> 00:11:12,627
Just cue me.

304
00:11:13,484 --> 00:11:17,119
Hello. Welcome. This is CalShopTV.

305
00:11:17,221 --> 00:11:19,455
How you doin', folks?
If you have a dog...

306
00:11:19,557 --> 00:11:20,690
No, no, that's too big.

307
00:11:20,792 --> 00:11:23,159
Why don't you do it like
you're goofing on it?

308
00:11:23,261 --> 00:11:24,427
Like, uh,

309
00:11:24,529 --> 00:11:27,430
"I don't really care
about dog beds. I am a man!"

310
00:11:27,532 --> 00:11:29,498
Why don't you start off
with something funny?

311
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,968
A kid in my class does arm farts.

312
00:11:33,204 --> 00:11:34,537
It's hilarious.

313
00:11:34,639 --> 00:11:36,138
Our bodies, huh?

314
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,040
Come on, guys.
You're starting to get in my head.

315
00:11:38,142 --> 00:11:40,142
Well, listen, if you don't feel
like you're ready for it,

316
00:11:40,244 --> 00:11:41,344
why don't you just cancel?

317
00:11:41,446 --> 00:11:43,112
It's better than embarrassing yourself.

318
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:44,280
You mean embarrass you.

319
00:11:44,382 --> 00:11:46,449
You don't think I hear
your snarky comments?

320
00:11:46,551 --> 00:11:48,651
You think dog beds are silly. I get it.

321
00:11:48,753 --> 00:11:50,653
Right now, I need people
who believe in me,

322
00:11:50,755 --> 00:11:52,388
so why don't you just stay home.

323
00:11:54,759 --> 00:11:56,492
Did he really think
I was going with him?

324
00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:00,272
I'm so sorry, Donna.
H-How is your knee feeling?

325
00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:01,506
Oh, my knee's fine.

326
00:12:01,575 --> 00:12:04,042
It's my shin where your
little buddy's spurs got me.

327
00:12:04,111 --> 00:12:06,044
Yeah, Mitchell, why did you get spurs?

328
00:12:06,113 --> 00:12:07,646
It was an impulse buy.
They were at the register.

329
00:12:08,374 --> 00:12:10,855
All right, folks, we're about
to kick off the beer relay!

330
00:12:11,018 --> 00:12:13,318
- Beer relay! Come on, team!
- I'm sorry, guys.

331
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:15,720
I just took a painkiller.
I am out for the night.

332
00:12:15,789 --> 00:12:17,989
Damn it. I've been
practicing for this all week.

333
00:12:18,058 --> 00:12:20,158
Yeah, we know, Nate.
You might have a problem.

334
00:12:20,227 --> 00:12:21,760
Um, I-I could sit in for her.

335
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,329
- Oh, seriously? I don't think...
- I can chug.

336
00:12:24,364 --> 00:12:25,897
Remember that time
we went through security

337
00:12:25,966 --> 00:12:28,033
and I forgot I had a
bottle of water in my bag?

338
00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:30,702
Come on! Come on, cowboys. Saddle up!

339
00:12:30,771 --> 00:12:32,804
All right, Mitch.
Donna always goes first,

340
00:12:32,873 --> 00:12:33,872
so you take her spot.

341
00:12:33,941 --> 00:12:36,508
All right, set the pace. I love it.

342
00:12:36,543 --> 00:12:39,811
Okay, you dirtbags, let's do this.

343
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,546
Ready... set...

344
00:12:41,648 --> 00:12:42,814
- chug!
- All right, let's go!

345
00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:44,215
Chug, Mitchell, chug!

346
00:12:45,786 --> 00:12:47,686
- You gotta chug.
- Is it possible there's more bubbles in mine?

347
00:12:47,754 --> 00:12:49,187
- No. It's the same, yeah.
- No?

348
00:12:49,256 --> 00:12:50,221
Come on, Mitch!

349
00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:51,723
Stop nursing it like a little baby!

350
00:12:51,825 --> 00:12:52,724
You know what, Nate?

351
00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:54,159
I don't respond well to negativity,

352
00:12:54,227 --> 00:12:56,995
so you can all just take
that down a-a notch.

353
00:12:57,030 --> 00:12:59,164
Here we go. Drink, drink, drink!

354
00:12:59,232 --> 00:13:00,865
Mitchell, you have to drink!

355
00:13:02,536 --> 00:13:04,703
It's like he's waterboarding himself.

356
00:13:04,805 --> 00:13:06,938
We balance this bucket

357
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,675
on the top of the door, just so,

358
00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:12,477
and when your dads come home,

359
00:13:12,579 --> 00:13:13,612
spills water on them.

360
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:14,713
Hot boiling water?

361
00:13:14,781 --> 00:13:16,881
- What? No.
- Okay.

362
00:13:16,984 --> 00:13:18,116
I guess it's still funny.

363
00:13:18,185 --> 00:13:20,719
And you're saying this is a cool thing
that cool people would do?

364
00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:23,455
Lily, I can't lie to you.

365
00:13:23,557 --> 00:13:26,191
It's not cool, and neither am I.

366
00:13:26,259 --> 00:13:27,626
Food trucks make me nervous.

367
00:13:27,728 --> 00:13:28,927
I leave voicemails.

368
00:13:29,029 --> 00:13:31,029
I prefer The Weather Channel to MTV.

369
00:13:31,098 --> 00:13:32,664
Is MTV still cool?

370
00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:33,765
I've never heard of it.

371
00:13:33,867 --> 00:13:35,233
I am not cool.

372
00:13:37,704 --> 00:13:39,337
I don't think I'm cool, either.

373
00:13:39,406 --> 00:13:41,406
Maybe that's our thing.

374
00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:44,442
Maybe we can be uncool together.

375
00:13:44,511 --> 00:13:46,711
- That sounds nice.
- Hm.

376
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:48,513
Except when I'm with my friends,
then I don't know you.

377
00:13:48,582 --> 00:13:50,048
I respect that.

378
00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:51,249
You know what would be fun?

379
00:13:51,318 --> 00:13:53,051
Filling the bucket with spiders.

380
00:13:54,721 --> 00:13:55,787
You might need help.

381
00:13:58,859 --> 00:14:00,925
Dad? Did you eat another pepper?

382
00:14:00,994 --> 00:14:03,161
- No.
- It's not about the pepper.

383
00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:05,630
You're upset we
made fun of the movie, aren't you?

384
00:14:05,732 --> 00:14:07,999
Hey, that's just
what our generation does.

385
00:14:08,035 --> 00:14:09,768
We goof on things that scare us

386
00:14:09,836 --> 00:14:11,302
because of how much we love them.

387
00:14:11,371 --> 00:14:13,471
Yeah. We wish there was a sequel.

388
00:14:13,573 --> 00:14:15,006
There's actually two.

389
00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:17,242
Idiot. I'm not watching another one.

390
00:14:17,344 --> 00:14:20,712
Mr. D, I know that this might
sound like the craziest thing ever,

391
00:14:20,747 --> 00:14:22,847
but are you upset because
you want to see yourself

392
00:14:22,916 --> 00:14:25,083
- as our Mr. Miata?
- That's just dumb.

393
00:14:25,152 --> 00:14:26,785
Yeah, don't waste
one of our guesses on that.

394
00:14:29,456 --> 00:14:31,556
- It's Miyagi.
- Told you.

395
00:14:33,226 --> 00:14:34,726
It's ridiculous to say this out loud,

396
00:14:34,795 --> 00:14:35,894
but I guess I just wanted to feel

397
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,629
like someone you guys could look up to.

398
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:42,567
What are you talking about?
Everybody looks up to you.

399
00:14:42,636 --> 00:14:43,968
Yeah.

400
00:14:44,004 --> 00:14:45,637
The hardest thing about dating Alex...

401
00:14:45,706 --> 00:14:47,205
well, besides all the big words...

402
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:51,209
is just knowing she grew up
with a perfect guy in her life.

403
00:14:51,278 --> 00:14:53,011
It's pretty hard to compete with.

404
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,213
That's what scares me about
having kids with Haley.

405
00:14:55,282 --> 00:14:57,215
Even if I'm an awesome dad,

406
00:14:57,284 --> 00:14:58,783
I'll still fall short of you.

407
00:14:58,852 --> 00:15:01,753
Try being his son,
knowing you'll never measure up.

408
00:15:01,822 --> 00:15:03,488
It's no picnic.

409
00:15:03,557 --> 00:15:05,824
Which is ironic,
because we go on a lot of picnics.

410
00:15:05,926 --> 00:15:07,759
You're also the best
magician I've ever seen.

411
00:15:07,794 --> 00:15:09,761
Not to mention the
best real-estate agent,

412
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:11,496
the best party deejay...

413
00:15:11,598 --> 00:15:12,997
The best cowboy,

414
00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:15,400
riverboat gambler, medieval knight...

415
00:15:15,435 --> 00:15:18,303
Those are just old-timey photos
from amusement parks, but...

416
00:15:19,773 --> 00:15:21,506
I just love you guys, and...

417
00:15:23,310 --> 00:15:27,145
...I want to pass on some of
the things that I've learned.

418
00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:29,380
Like...

419
00:15:29,449 --> 00:15:32,450
never try to take a tennis
ball away from a raccoon.

420
00:15:33,453 --> 00:15:34,686
Or...

421
00:15:34,755 --> 00:15:37,622
never go to play tennis
with just one ball.

422
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,290
That is good to know.

423
00:15:39,392 --> 00:15:41,426
Or, you know, stuff like

424
00:15:41,528 --> 00:15:43,194
find the fun in every moment,

425
00:15:43,263 --> 00:15:46,364
find the good in every person,

426
00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:49,467
or never, ever be the one
who doesn't do the wave.

427
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:51,069
Those people die alone.

428
00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:53,605
Thanks, Mr. D-yagi.

429
00:15:55,742 --> 00:15:57,509
I'm gonna need another minute.

430
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:01,012
Hey.

431
00:16:01,114 --> 00:16:02,143
Good news.

432
00:16:02,382 --> 00:16:03,782
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

433
00:16:03,850 --> 00:16:06,050
I, uh... I just slipped the guy $20

434
00:16:06,086 --> 00:16:07,318
so that we could ride the
mechanical bull together.

435
00:16:07,387 --> 00:16:09,754
Okay, which guy?
Because that's a plastic cow,

436
00:16:09,823 --> 00:16:11,656
doesn't move, and...

437
00:16:11,725 --> 00:16:14,359
there's an "X" at the back to
tell you which is the front.

438
00:16:14,461 --> 00:16:16,060
Hey, listen, it's starting to slow down.

439
00:16:16,163 --> 00:16:17,562
- We should get going, huh?
- Really?

440
00:16:17,631 --> 00:16:19,030
All right, folks, grab your partner!

441
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,165
Night's just gettin' started.

442
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:21,266
I'll get us a car.

443
00:16:21,368 --> 00:16:24,102
Why are you in such a rush
to get us out of here?

444
00:16:24,171 --> 00:16:25,136
Is it about me?

445
00:16:25,205 --> 00:16:27,539
No!

446
00:16:27,641 --> 00:16:29,307
It's about your clothes

447
00:16:29,409 --> 00:16:31,009
and your dancing

448
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,010
and your drinking and your...

449
00:16:32,112 --> 00:16:33,411
Okay, okay, okay, I get it.

450
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,846
You're embarrassed of me.

451
00:16:34,948 --> 00:16:36,047
Y-You know, you're the one
who's been asking me

452
00:16:36,149 --> 00:16:37,215
to come here for years.

453
00:16:37,284 --> 00:16:39,284
I really thought I wanted you
here, but then,

454
00:16:39,352 --> 00:16:40,418
once you came here,

455
00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:42,954
I discovered that I don't
really want you here.

456
00:16:42,989 --> 00:16:44,622
Wow, that is beyond...

457
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:45,657
Okay, well, let me ask you.

458
00:16:45,725 --> 00:16:46,891
Did you have a good time tonight?

459
00:16:46,993 --> 00:16:48,526
I was with you!

460
00:16:48,595 --> 00:16:50,628
- Okay, answer the question.
- No.

461
00:16:50,730 --> 00:16:53,031
No, the floor's sticky,
I don't know a single song,

462
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,699
and I'm not entirely sure

463
00:16:54,768 --> 00:16:56,067
Donna isn't your sister, Pam.

464
00:16:56,136 --> 00:16:58,503
Honey, I appreciate that you
went to all this trouble,

465
00:16:58,605 --> 00:16:59,604
but you know what?

466
00:16:59,673 --> 00:17:01,840
Maybe we don't have to
do everything together.

467
00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:03,575
Maybe that's how we'll make sure

468
00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:05,777
- we have lots of anniversaries.
- Oh.

469
00:17:05,846 --> 00:17:08,179
And I promise never to forget again.

470
00:17:08,248 --> 00:17:11,449
And I promise I'll never count
down the seconds to shame you.

471
00:17:11,518 --> 00:17:13,885
Okay, let's get you
out of that belt buckle.

472
00:17:13,954 --> 00:17:15,787
- Ooh.
- No, I didn't mean it in a sexy way.

473
00:17:15,889 --> 00:17:18,990
It's hideous. It looks like something
you'd get off CalShopTV.

474
00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:21,392
Um, can you call me a
driver for the ride home?

475
00:17:21,494 --> 00:17:24,028
Hi! Are you the dog bed guy? I'm Linda.

476
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,331
My wife loves you.
She couldn't make it tonight.

477
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:28,566
I'm sure you have a really
nice wife, dog bed guy.

478
00:17:28,635 --> 00:17:30,969
- Do you have any advice?
- Uh, talk loud.

479
00:17:31,004 --> 00:17:32,904
A lot of people are watching
this in hospital waiting rooms.

480
00:17:32,973 --> 00:17:34,906
How big an audience do you usually get?

481
00:17:35,008 --> 00:17:36,074
Saturday night?

482
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,942
- 300,000, 400,000.
- Ooh!

483
00:17:38,555 --> 00:17:40,378
Oh, my God,

484
00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:42,080
CalShopTV viewers,

485
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:45,450
I have a very special treat for you.

486
00:17:45,552 --> 00:17:46,885
Joining me is Jay Pritchett

487
00:17:46,953 --> 00:17:49,487
with the most exciting new product.

488
00:17:49,589 --> 00:17:50,822
Right, Jay?

489
00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:52,790
I'm Jay!

490
00:17:52,893 --> 00:17:54,926
Whoo! Yeah, you are.

491
00:17:54,995 --> 00:17:58,663
So, tell me about these
adorable little creations.

492
00:17:58,765 --> 00:18:00,331
Uh, dog beds.

493
00:18:01,902 --> 00:18:04,002
Dog beds? Wait, so you're telling me

494
00:18:04,070 --> 00:18:06,938
this pineapple is a dog bed?

495
00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:08,640
Wh... Well, now I've seen everything.

496
00:18:08,742 --> 00:18:10,074
- Tell me more.
- Um...

497
00:18:11,845 --> 00:18:12,877
You know, dogs get tired...

498
00:18:12,979 --> 00:18:14,045
Mm-hmm.

499
00:18:14,147 --> 00:18:15,580
...and, uh, so...

500
00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:16,648
these.

501
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,850
- Uh-oh.
- Gosh, I feel like

502
00:18:18,919 --> 00:18:20,385
I'm doing most of the talking.

503
00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:22,420
How would you describe your dog beds?

504
00:18:24,491 --> 00:18:25,490
Delicious?

505
00:18:25,592 --> 00:18:26,691
I gave him that.

506
00:18:28,261 --> 00:18:30,228
Jay, anything else you'd like to share

507
00:18:30,297 --> 00:18:32,196
with our CalShopTV audience?

508
00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:34,499
Something to get those
phone lines buzzing?

509
00:18:37,604 --> 00:18:39,270
Do it.

510
00:18:39,439 --> 00:18:40,905
Do it.

511
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,108
Oh, and it looks like
we've got a caller.

512
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:48,146
Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside.

513
00:18:48,248 --> 00:18:49,614
I love dogs!

514
00:18:49,716 --> 00:18:50,815
Hello, Joanne.

515
00:18:50,917 --> 00:18:52,583
I have a question.

516
00:18:52,686 --> 00:18:56,054
It is called, uh, Beds by Stella.

517
00:18:56,156 --> 00:18:57,622
Who is Stella?

518
00:18:57,691 --> 00:18:59,157
She's my dog.

519
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:02,560
Oh! I see that she's your inspiration

520
00:19:02,629 --> 00:19:04,095
for what you're doing.

521
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:06,297
What kind of dog is she?

522
00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:09,167
French bulldog.
And I know what you're thinking.

523
00:19:09,269 --> 00:19:11,803
Uh, she's French,
so she has an attitude.

524
00:19:13,606 --> 00:19:15,573
French people are so snooty. I love it.

525
00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:17,608
But not my little girl.

526
00:19:17,644 --> 00:19:19,143
Uh, she's the salt of the Earth.

527
00:19:19,212 --> 00:19:20,712
I mean, you should see her
when I sit her next to me

528
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:22,046
when I'm watching sports.

529
00:19:22,115 --> 00:19:24,115
You know, I explain
the whole game to her,

530
00:19:24,217 --> 00:19:26,184
which is funny because, you know, um,

531
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,353
dogs don't really understand sports.

532
00:19:28,421 --> 00:19:29,988
Oh, yeah, that's cute,

533
00:19:30,023 --> 00:19:31,923
but I bet that it's very annoying

534
00:19:31,992 --> 00:19:34,459
- for the people that live with you.
- Yeah, well,

535
00:19:34,527 --> 00:19:35,994
you know, they say they don't love her,

536
00:19:36,096 --> 00:19:37,662
but I know they do,

537
00:19:37,764 --> 00:19:39,597
uh, because she's part of the family,

538
00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:42,900
so she deserves a-a comfortable,
fun place to sleep.

539
00:19:44,204 --> 00:19:45,737
Like your dogs.

540
00:19:45,839 --> 00:19:49,173
Uh, you know, I call this one
the Puppy Colada,

541
00:19:49,242 --> 00:19:51,109
and, uh, the Rover Rocket.

542
00:19:51,177 --> 00:19:53,745
This one here is the, uh, Pupcake.

543
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,313
This is the Tailavision,

544
00:19:55,415 --> 00:19:57,715
and our latest creation

545
00:19:57,817 --> 00:20:00,084
is the Taj Mahowl!

546
00:20:00,186 --> 00:20:02,691
Wow, our phones are lighting up.

547
00:20:02,922 --> 00:20:06,057
Thank you, Mr. Pritchett.
I can feel all the love

548
00:20:06,126 --> 00:20:09,227
and hard work that you
put into your beds.

549
00:20:09,329 --> 00:20:12,296
I am very proud of you.

550
00:20:12,399 --> 00:20:15,900
Thank you, Joanne from Riverside.

551
00:20:16,002 --> 00:20:17,435
I love you.

552
00:20:17,504 --> 00:20:19,103
Oh, hold on. Okay, wait. I just got it.

553
00:20:19,205 --> 00:20:20,838
Taj Mahowl!

554
00:20:22,393 --> 00:20:23,431
That's it!

555
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,689
Thank you, Janet from Pomona,

556
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:27,637
and to your little
Pomeranian, Tony,

557
00:20:27,671 --> 00:20:28,805
I'd just like to say...

558
00:20:32,008 --> 00:20:33,442
I can't believe I'm saying this,

559
00:20:33,476 --> 00:20:35,779
but you might be weirder
than the knife guy.

560
00:20:36,946 --> 00:20:38,682
Oh, look at that.

561
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:41,417
You just sold your hundredth dog bed.

562
00:20:41,450 --> 00:20:42,819
How 'bout a little tail wag?

563
00:20:42,852 --> 00:20:44,087
You don't have to ask me twice.

564
00:20:49,392 --> 00:20:50,927
Good God, Dad.

565
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,763
We may have to make some
difficult decisions soon.

566
00:20:53,797 --> 00:20:55,999
Wait, that's the guy you were
afraid you couldn't live up to?

567
00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:57,266
I know.

568
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:58,576
Legend.

569
00:21:00,136 --> 00:21:02,136
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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