Ohh, the office coffee tastes like a human-rights violation.
I should probably quit drinking it.
You're not going to quit. At this point in life,
your habits are your habits. Your life is on auto-pilot,
and years are just passing by without you even realizing it.
When you were a little boy,
there was this great mystery about who you'd become someday.
That mystery is now solved, and the twist is,
you work in a job you hate, you don't floss, and you never will.
And worst of all, you don't even think critically about media.
Jesus. How did we even start talking about this?
God, this coffee sucks.
Nothing ever really changes in life, and that's good.
Change is overrated. It's just the same but different.
There's been a catastrophic event in Washington,
and within the next 24 hours, society will collapse.
If you want to survive, take a go bag.
Oh. Kate, I'm so sorry.
Come on, guys.
The world isn't really ending.
But it feels like it, right?
I mean, between, um, gun violence, extreme weather,
psychotic world leaders, and good, old-fashioned nuclear war,
consumers are scared.
So today we are going to discuss ways to monetize that.
Fear is the steady hand
that unhooks the bra of capitalism.
- Here. Got you one. - Oh, I have no interest
in surviving the apocalypse.
Ooh, floss pick.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
So, end of the world, eh?
All the fish and bees finally died.
You know, when Christian first said the world was ending,
I actually felt relieved.
The only reason I keep this terrible job
is so that I have money 50 years from now,
but what if there is no 50 years from now?
Matt, don't reexamine your life.
My cat got out two weeks ago,
and I reexamined my life, and it really fucked me up.
She didn't even really get out. I just thought she did.
Point is, she was in the bathtub,
and I'm not gonna change my life at all.
I have some savings and a 401(k).
That could buy me some time to get something going.
You know, I've never really told anybody this before,
but I've always secretly wanted to start my own record label.
Starting your own record label
is the single most cliché dream you could ever have...
almost as bad as wanting to start your own bar.
Why are you attacking my dreams right now?
Because that's our dynamic.
Grace, what would you do if the world was ending?
I'm already living my dream,
which is to buy these fancy scones
from this bougie bakery by my house.
- Hmm. - That's it? Scones?
- Well, there is my fuck it list. - Is that...
All the people I want to fuck before I die.
Mm.
Something tall, something short,
some form of virgin, and a male escort.
Something old, something bold,
something young, something hung,
something from Buffalo, and Mark Ruffalo.
- What are you waiting for? - Retirement.
As you know, women don't reach their sexual peak until age 75.
- Oh, right. - Just to get started,
um, I have to say,
we all had a lot of fun on this one.
It's a really unique concept,
and your vision for it was so crystal-clear, Christian.
So without further ado, may I have a drum roll, please?
Coming this September to BNN,
"The Fall!" is here.
Now, whether you're afraid of rising ocean temperatures,
mass shootings, or just good, old-fashioned nuclear war,
we've got the news to feed your fear on the fall of society.
Every morning, we will count down
the top-10 hottest atrocities from around the world.
And our reports will feature branded integration
of Hampton DeVille gas masks,
as well as other high-margin survival gear.
Oh, this is great, guys.
- What do we have for the web? - That's a great question.
And for this, I'm gonna toss it over
to our social-media superstar, Kylie.
- Kylie, take it away. - Hi.
For most people, collapsing social structures
leading to widespread devastation
is too big of a concept to understand.
So we've broken it down into digestible, retweetable pieces
you can share with your friends...
GIFs of fires, memes of murders, Snapchats of shootings.
We're going to turn people's discontent into content.
#TheFall.
Incredible work, everyone.
This is truly a gift.
I feel like it's my birthday.
I've been working on a story about secret Internets.
Some companies have created backup servers
in case the Internet goes down in a cyber attack.
I'll have to look into that.
Thank you.
It's a good look for you, by the way.
The bouquet is rather floral
with just a hint of nuclear fallout.
Christian...
what would you do if the world were ending?
Hmm.
I would...
eat.
I would eat until I'm fat as a whale.
Cookies and cakes
and breads, meats,
creams, tarts...
till there's blubber spilling all over the sides of my pants.
What would you do?
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, Jake.
Do what, floss? Good.
There's always stuff in your teeth.
No, I'm gonna quit.
Oh. No, you're not.
You've been saying that for years.
Just accept that you're a coward.
Accepting that I'm a coward is one of the best things
I ever did, and I highly recommend it for you, as well.
- Fuck you. - Whoa.
My life could be better than this,
and if you really loved me, you would encourage me to go.
Well, I don't really love you.
You seek my love, and I deny you my love.
How are you just now figuring this out?
I'm gonna march into Kate and John's office right now
- and quit. - No, you're not.
Nothing ever changes.
Whoa. I finally got it.
Oh. Hey, Matt.
John, Kate, uh, hi.
- Why is your forehead all sweaty? - Yeah.
Uh...
I quit.
Sure.
Okay. Actually, a number of people have quit
since Christian announced the world might be ending.
That's why we're here.
We were just handing out a bunch of promotions.
We thought we would hand one to...
Jake.
Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!
Thank you so fucking much!
So, Matt, what are you gonna do now?
Well, I'm gonna pursue my dream of starting my own record label.
Dreams?
You mean those things that happen when you're sleeping
- that aren't real? - I had a dream I married my cousin,
but you don't see me quitting my job over it.
I tried to tell him.
_
The fall is here,
and trees are shedding their leaves at an alarming rate,
leading scientists to ask, "Are trees going extinct?"
The answer may terrify you.
But first, let's take a look
at Hampton DeVille's new line of leaf blowers.
_
Hey, could I get another Oktoberfest?
Also, could you change the music in here?
It's kind of bringing me down,
and, honestly, it's a little cliché.
Sorry. If you don't like it,
why don't you open your own fucking bar?
That way, you can play whatever fucking music you fucking want!
- Hello? - Please hold for Mr. Levinson.
Hey, Matt, how's the music industry? Is it booming?
Jake, I'm getting out of the music industry.
I have a better idea.
I'm gonna start my own bar that'll only serve craft brew
and play cool music that I curate.
Nothing can stop me now except for myself,
and I am not gonna stop myself.
That would be stupid, and I am not stupid.
Mr. Levinson, Kate and John are here to see you.
Got to go, Matty.
My peers.
Jake, we have a very important project for you.
Ooh.
We need you to spearhead the creation of a secret Internet.
- Great. How do I do that? - Now that you're a junior exec,
it is your job to answer those kinds of questions.
But don't worry. We're not expecting you
to do this completely by yourself. That would be stupid.
And we are not stupid.
Hey, Ted! Get on out here, pal.
- Hey. - Ted is a computer whiz.
He's already been briefed.
We'll leave you to it.
Wait. Is it an Internet that is a secret
or an Internet for secrets?
We've already said too much.
So, secret Internet.
Think you can handle it?
Oh, yeah, that's totally doable.
Yeah, I've been ready to sink my little fingers
into a project like this for a long time now.
Great. And listen, I'm not gonna micro-manage you.
I'm like the quarterback, and I'm handing the ball off to you.
And I'm grabbing that ball, I'm gonna tuck it in tight,
and I'm gonna run it into the end zone for a touchdown.
Then I'm gonna kick the extra point.
Make it a 2-point conversion?
Oh, you betcha.
_
What's scarier than witches and goblins?
The impending collapse of society.
Which is why, this Halloween, many parents are handing out
freeze-dried snacks instead of candy.
I'll take the pumpkin ale.
_
Ted?
Oh, yeah.
American consumers are flocking to stores
to get the hottest toys for what may very well be
the last Christmas.
I'll take the Christmas ale.
I had it engraved
with your highest rating in the 18-to-34 demo.
I love it.
Ted?
_
I mean, I'm pretty good,
but the best? I guess I am.
Your number's up, Ruffalo.
_
A little bit of good news as the end nears.
Stock markets are reaching record highs.
It's always good to go out on top.
I'll take the Presidents' Day pilsner.
I have stockpiled five years' worth of freeze-dried foods,
bottled water, toilet paper, and assault rifles.
I'm $25,000 in credit-card debt,
but I'm ready for whatever's coming.
And what if the world doesn't end?
I don't even want to think about that.
I'll get the Presidents' Day pilsner.
- Hey. - Hey.
Excellent work, everyone. Revenue is accelerating,
and our stock prices are at a historic high.
Jake, how are things coming along with the secret Internet?
Well, don't tell anyone, because it's a secret,
but it's going great.
I know there's been some speculation
that "The Fall!" campaign has led
to an "unstable" economic bubble that could burst.
However, thankfully, I've been assured by our economist
that this is a new kind of bubble that cannot burst.
Isn't that right, Gideon?
Yeah.
The economy has collapsed,
and the stock market is in a death spiral.
The Armageddon bubble, as it's being called, has burst,
and consumers are furious they spent their savings
preparing for an apocalypse that never came.
You told me the world was gonna end!
Why did I buy all this stuff?!
Worthless!
Fuck Hampton DeVi...
What convinced so many people
that society was on the verge of collapse?
- BNN experts say we may never know - _
and that we should stop asking that question.
Obviously, the world didn't end,
but that's not the end of the world.
Now, is it a huge setback that the world didn't end?
Well... yes, of course.
But at least no one is pointing the finger at us.
This is Cronker Wilson reporting.
The last several months,
I've been secretly working undercover at BNN,
and what I've discovered there is shocking.
BNN and its parent company, Hampton DeVille, colluded
to purposely cause the market frenzy
that led to the economic collapse.
A daytime talk show?
I've got to rebrand.
This is a huge opportunity for me.
It's network television.
Sure, the content is absolute garbage,
but it pays so much more.
I thought you were a journalist.
No, you didn't.
Well, you came here to stab me in the back.
Why don't I make it easy for you?
So, when you posed as a janitor,
you had to clean the toilets, correct?
I never cleaned vomit.
It's good I didn't fuck Mark Ruffalo.
He wanted it bad.
I should be clear on that.
But this way, I have something to live for.
And so does he. And speaking of having something to live for,
I got to go be a powerful exec.
Teddy boy.
Ted-head?
Teddy Krueger?
Tedder?
Ted, what the hell is this?
It's just, uh, my office, sort of,
and I've been sleeping in here.
Where is the secret Internet?
I have a little secret to tell you about the secret Internet.
What's the secret?
I haven't made a secret Internet.
I don't know how, and I do not know what it is.
Ted, you fucked me!
What have you been doing for the past six months,
just playing video games in the fort?
Yes, I know, I know, and I'm... I'm sorry.
But before you get too mad, I have a crackerjack idea,
and I think it might pull us out of this.
What?
We go to Vegas tonight.
You give me a little cash, and I get it all back.
Get what back, Teddy?
I'm like 20 grand in the hole.
I've been online gambling in the fort this whole time.
You just better pray the real Internet never goes down.
Hampton DeVille's servers
have been... compromised by a hacker collective.
They're saying it's a retaliation
for our role in creating the Armageddon bubble.
Christ.
Sometimes it feels like everyone turns against you...
the public, the board of directors,
the media.
But luckily, we are more than prepared for this.
Now, a few months ago, I handed a ball off to Jake Levinson,
and he took that ball, tucked it in tight,
and ran into the end zone for a touchdown.
And then he kicked the extra point himself.
Jake...
tell everyone about the secret Internet.
So, here's the thing about secrets.
Well, we are thrilled
to have the very handsome Zeke Lupei in the studio.
Now, I think that our audience will be surprised to learn
that you weren't always a chef.
Oh, well, that... that is correct.
Yeah, actually, I was an executive
in the corporate world for a number of years. I know.
- Yuck. - But I chucked that all aside,
and I chased after my true calling,
which is right here in the kitchen.
Wow.
Now, do you have anything that you could tell
the people out there that really want to follow their dreams?
Well, I'd probably say...
don't let anyone ever tell you that your dreams are cliché.
You are unique, all right?
So you get out there, and you chase after
the vague concept of a dream for however long it may take.
Be a chef!
You need to be a chef!
Become a fucking chef.
_
A'ight, how you want your eggs?
Sunny side up.
And you want a dozen?
Better make it a baker's dozen.
All right, man. I-I'll... I'll do the eggs.
My parents are gonna freak, but I have to commit.
I've given up on too many dreams.
But once I get this tattoo, there's no going back.
I'm gonna dedicate the rest of my life to becoming a top chef.
God!
You ready, man?
Yeah. Okay. Let's do this.
Mmm. You know, I kind of missed the office coffee.
It's not that bad.
I told you things never change.
That's why I got demoted... to prove a point.
Things have changed. I have a whole new attitude now.
Instead of wasting all my time
fantasizing about what else my life could be,
I'm gonna appreciate what I have here
and stop complaining about the little things.
A job's a job, and I'm lucky to have one.
From now on, you're never gonna hear me say...
Ohh, God, this coffee sucks.
credits
So, we're looking to normalize fear in children.
And we have developed a whole new line of Skankz dolls.
- Yeah. - Disaster-Preparedness Skankz,
- Mutant Skankz... - Ooh.
Resort-to-Cannibalism Skankz,
and Anxious Skankzious.
? She's a Skankz ?