1
00:00:05,296 --> 00:00:08,069
Ohh, the office coffee tastes
like a human-rights violation.

2
00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:09,865
I should probably quit drinking it.

3
00:00:09,890 --> 00:00:12,127
You're not going to quit.
At this point in life,

4
00:00:12,152 --> 00:00:14,854
your habits are your habits.
Your life is on auto-pilot,

5
00:00:14,879 --> 00:00:18,190
and years are just passing by
without you even realizing it.

6
00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:19,729
When you were a little boy,

7
00:00:19,754 --> 00:00:22,588
there was this great mystery
about who you'd become someday.

8
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:25,194
That mystery is now solved,
and the twist is,

9
00:00:25,219 --> 00:00:27,927
you work in a job you hate, you
don't floss, and you never will.

10
00:00:27,929 --> 00:00:30,630
And worst of all, you don't even
think critically about media.

11
00:00:30,632 --> 00:00:33,609
Jesus. How did we even
start talking about this?

12
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:36,534
God, this coffee sucks.

13
00:00:36,559 --> 00:00:38,905
Nothing ever really changes
in life, and that's good.

14
00:00:38,907 --> 00:00:42,141
Change is overrated. It's just
the same but different.

15
00:00:46,687 --> 00:00:48,614
There's been a catastrophic
event in Washington,

16
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:51,383
and within the next 24 hours,
society will collapse.

17
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,406
If you want to survive, take a go bag.

18
00:01:06,773 --> 00:01:09,101
Oh. Kate, I'm so sorry.

19
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:18,209
Come on, guys.

20
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,953
The world isn't really ending.

21
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,547
But it feels like it, right?

22
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:26,107
I mean, between, um,
gun violence, extreme weather,

23
00:01:26,132 --> 00:01:29,554
psychotic world leaders, and
good, old-fashioned nuclear war,

24
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,023
consumers are scared.

25
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:36,595
So today we are going to discuss
ways to monetize that.

26
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:39,631
Fear is the steady hand

27
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:43,937
that unhooks the bra of capitalism.

28
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,974
- Here. Got you one.
- Oh, I have no interest

29
00:01:48,999 --> 00:01:50,773
in surviving the apocalypse.

30
00:01:51,406 --> 00:01:52,882
Ooh, floss pick.

31
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:11,415
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

32
00:02:12,297 --> 00:02:14,076
So, end of the world, eh?

33
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,818
All the fish and bees finally died.

34
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:18,135
You know, when Christian
first said the world was ending,

35
00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:19,769
I actually felt relieved.

36
00:02:19,771 --> 00:02:21,571
The only reason I keep this terrible job

37
00:02:21,573 --> 00:02:23,484
is so that I have money
50 years from now,

38
00:02:23,509 --> 00:02:25,609
but what if there is
no 50 years from now?

39
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:27,444
Matt, don't reexamine your life.

40
00:02:27,446 --> 00:02:28,911
My cat got out two weeks ago,

41
00:02:28,913 --> 00:02:30,947
and I reexamined my life,
and it really fucked me up.

42
00:02:30,949 --> 00:02:33,450
She didn't even really get out.
I just thought she did.

43
00:02:33,452 --> 00:02:34,751
Point is, she was in the bathtub,

44
00:02:34,753 --> 00:02:36,620
and I'm not gonna change my life at all.

45
00:02:36,622 --> 00:02:38,155
I have some savings and a 401(k).

46
00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:40,323
That could buy me some time
to get something going.

47
00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:42,649
You know, I've never really
told anybody this before,

48
00:02:42,674 --> 00:02:45,477
but I've always secretly wanted
to start my own record label.

49
00:02:45,502 --> 00:02:46,863
Starting your own record label

50
00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:49,566
is the single most cliché dream
you could ever have...

51
00:02:49,568 --> 00:02:51,933
almost as bad as wanting
to start your own bar.

52
00:02:51,935 --> 00:02:53,769
Why are you attacking
my dreams right now?

53
00:02:53,771 --> 00:02:55,103
Because that's our dynamic.

54
00:02:55,105 --> 00:02:56,805
Grace, what would you do
if the world was ending?

55
00:02:56,807 --> 00:02:58,040
I'm already living my dream,

56
00:02:58,042 --> 00:02:59,708
which is to buy these fancy scones

57
00:02:59,710 --> 00:03:01,710
from this bougie bakery by my house.

58
00:03:01,712 --> 00:03:03,845
- Hmm.
- That's it? Scones?

59
00:03:03,847 --> 00:03:07,038
- Well, there is my fuck it list.
- Is that...

60
00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,051
All the people I want
to fuck before I die.

61
00:03:09,053 --> 00:03:11,353
Mm.

62
00:03:11,355 --> 00:03:13,055
Something tall, something short,

63
00:03:13,057 --> 00:03:15,558
some form of virgin, and a male escort.

64
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,560
Something old, something bold,

65
00:03:17,562 --> 00:03:19,761
something young, something hung,

66
00:03:19,763 --> 00:03:23,865
something from Buffalo,
and Mark Ruffalo.

67
00:03:23,867 --> 00:03:26,134
- What are you waiting for?
- Retirement.

68
00:03:26,136 --> 00:03:29,805
As you know, women don't reach
their sexual peak until age 75.

69
00:03:29,807 --> 00:03:32,640
- Oh, right.
- Just to get started,

70
00:03:32,642 --> 00:03:34,609
um, I have to say,

71
00:03:34,611 --> 00:03:37,890
we all had a lot of fun on this one.

72
00:03:38,749 --> 00:03:40,716
It's a really unique concept,

73
00:03:40,718 --> 00:03:45,787
and your vision for it
was so crystal-clear, Christian.

74
00:03:45,789 --> 00:03:50,192
So without further ado,
may I have a drum roll, please?

75
00:03:51,628 --> 00:03:55,296
Coming this September to BNN,

76
00:03:55,298 --> 00:03:58,189
"The Fall!" is here.

77
00:03:58,214 --> 00:04:01,202
Now, whether you're afraid of
rising ocean temperatures,

78
00:04:01,204 --> 00:04:04,557
mass shootings, or just good,
old-fashioned nuclear war,

79
00:04:04,582 --> 00:04:08,167
we've got the news to feed your
fear on the fall of society.

80
00:04:08,192 --> 00:04:10,558
Every morning, we will count down

81
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:14,901
the top-10 hottest atrocities
from around the world.

82
00:04:14,926 --> 00:04:17,484
And our reports will feature
branded integration

83
00:04:17,486 --> 00:04:19,120
of Hampton DeVille gas masks,

84
00:04:19,122 --> 00:04:21,822
as well as other high-margin
survival gear.

85
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:23,858
Oh, this is great, guys.

86
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:25,826
- What do we have for the web?
- That's a great question.

87
00:04:25,828 --> 00:04:27,628
And for this, I'm gonna toss it over

88
00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:30,631
to our social-media superstar, Kylie.

89
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,699
- Kylie, take it away.
- Hi.

90
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:34,868
For most people,
collapsing social structures

91
00:04:34,870 --> 00:04:37,137
leading to widespread devastation

92
00:04:37,139 --> 00:04:39,339
is too big of a concept to understand.

93
00:04:39,341 --> 00:04:44,043
So we've broken it down into
digestible, retweetable pieces

94
00:04:44,045 --> 00:04:45,746
you can share with your friends...

95
00:04:45,748 --> 00:04:50,016
GIFs of fires, memes of murders,
Snapchats of shootings.

96
00:04:50,018 --> 00:04:54,254
We're going to turn people's
discontent into content.

97
00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:56,055
#TheFall.

98
00:04:56,057 --> 00:04:59,225
Incredible work, everyone.

99
00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:00,527
This is truly a gift.

100
00:05:00,529 --> 00:05:02,128
I feel like it's my birthday.

101
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,873
I feel like it's my birthday.

102
00:05:17,979 --> 00:05:21,047
I've been working on a story
about secret Internets.

103
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,507
Some companies have created
backup servers

104
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:26,186
in case the Internet goes down
in a cyber attack.

105
00:05:26,524 --> 00:05:28,423
I'll have to look into that.

106
00:05:30,091 --> 00:05:31,124
Thank you.

107
00:05:31,126 --> 00:05:32,926
It's a good look for you, by the way.

108
00:05:36,312 --> 00:05:38,198
The bouquet is rather floral

109
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,598
with just a hint of nuclear fallout.

110
00:05:44,271 --> 00:05:46,305
Christian...

111
00:05:46,307 --> 00:05:49,975
what would you do
if the world were ending?

112
00:05:49,977 --> 00:05:52,010
Hmm.

113
00:05:52,012 --> 00:05:53,671
I would...

114
00:05:54,414 --> 00:05:55,780
eat.

115
00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:59,484
I would eat until I'm fat as a whale.

116
00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:02,454
Cookies and cakes

117
00:06:02,456 --> 00:06:04,789
and breads, meats,

118
00:06:04,791 --> 00:06:07,326
creams, tarts...

119
00:06:07,328 --> 00:06:10,229
till there's blubber spilling
all over the sides of my pants.

120
00:06:11,932 --> 00:06:13,431
What would you do?

121
00:06:17,904 --> 00:06:20,238
I'm gonna do it.

122
00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:23,441
I'm gonna do it, Jake.

123
00:06:23,443 --> 00:06:24,976
Do what, floss? Good.

124
00:06:24,978 --> 00:06:26,811
There's always stuff in your teeth.

125
00:06:26,813 --> 00:06:28,346
No, I'm gonna quit.

126
00:06:28,348 --> 00:06:29,748
Oh. No, you're not.

127
00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:31,148
You've been saying that for years.

128
00:06:31,150 --> 00:06:33,050
Just accept that you're a coward.

129
00:06:33,052 --> 00:06:35,019
Accepting that I'm a coward
is one of the best things

130
00:06:35,021 --> 00:06:38,456
I ever did, and I highly
recommend it for you, as well.

131
00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:39,875
- Fuck you.
- Whoa.

132
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,226
My life could be better than this,

133
00:06:42,228 --> 00:06:44,863
and if you really loved me,
you would encourage me to go.

134
00:06:44,865 --> 00:06:46,631
Well, I don't really love you.

135
00:06:46,633 --> 00:06:48,332
You seek my love,
and I deny you my love.

136
00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:49,901
How are you just now figuring this out?

137
00:06:49,903 --> 00:06:51,903
I'm gonna march into
Kate and John's office right now

138
00:06:51,905 --> 00:06:53,670
- and quit.
- No, you're not.

139
00:06:53,672 --> 00:06:54,872
Nothing ever changes.

140
00:06:58,789 --> 00:07:00,611
Whoa. I finally got it.

141
00:07:00,613 --> 00:07:01,812
Oh. Hey, Matt.

142
00:07:01,814 --> 00:07:04,114
John, Kate, uh, hi.

143
00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:06,650
- Why is your forehead all sweaty?
- Yeah.

144
00:07:09,187 --> 00:07:11,187
Uh...

145
00:07:14,527 --> 00:07:16,164
I quit.

146
00:07:17,853 --> 00:07:18,944
Sure.

147
00:07:18,969 --> 00:07:20,999
Okay. Actually, a number
of people have quit

148
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,641
since Christian announced
the world might be ending.

149
00:07:22,665 --> 00:07:23,702
That's why we're here.

150
00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,702
We were just handing out
a bunch of promotions.

151
00:07:25,704 --> 00:07:28,021
We thought we would hand one to...

152
00:07:29,373 --> 00:07:30,573
Jake.

153
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,727
Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!

154
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:34,500
Thank you so fucking much!

155
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:38,314
So, Matt, what are you gonna do now?

156
00:07:38,339 --> 00:07:42,170
Well, I'm gonna pursue my dream
of starting my own record label.

157
00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:43,453
Dreams?

158
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:45,187
You mean those things
that happen when you're sleeping

159
00:07:45,189 --> 00:07:47,716
- that aren't real?
- I had a dream I married my cousin,

160
00:07:47,741 --> 00:07:49,932
but you don't see me
quitting my job over it.

161
00:07:49,957 --> 00:07:52,082
I tried to tell him.

162
00:07:52,107 --> 00:07:54,707
_

163
00:07:56,506 --> 00:07:58,932
The fall is here,

164
00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:01,573
and trees are shedding their
leaves at an alarming rate,

165
00:08:01,605 --> 00:08:05,269
leading scientists to ask,
"Are trees going extinct?"

166
00:08:05,327 --> 00:08:07,060
The answer may terrify you.

167
00:08:07,181 --> 00:08:08,603
But first, let's take a look

168
00:08:08,628 --> 00:08:11,566
at Hampton DeVille's new line
of leaf blowers.

169
00:08:12,436 --> 00:08:14,558
_

170
00:08:15,932 --> 00:08:17,808
_

171
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:21,410
_

172
00:08:22,832 --> 00:08:25,675
_

173
00:08:27,097 --> 00:08:29,666
_

174
00:08:37,932 --> 00:08:39,999
Hey, could I get another Oktoberfest?

175
00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:42,348
Also, could you change
the music in here?

176
00:08:42,373 --> 00:08:43,591
It's kind of bringing me down,

177
00:08:43,616 --> 00:08:46,673
and, honestly, it's a little cliché.

178
00:08:46,675 --> 00:08:49,042
Sorry. If you don't like it,

179
00:08:49,044 --> 00:08:51,177
why don't you open your own fucking bar?

180
00:08:51,179 --> 00:08:55,548
That way, you can play whatever
fucking music you fucking want!

181
00:09:01,869 --> 00:09:04,517
- Hello?
- Please hold for Mr. Levinson.

182
00:09:05,799 --> 00:09:08,627
Hey, Matt, how's the music
industry? Is it booming?

183
00:09:08,629 --> 00:09:10,526
Jake, I'm getting out
of the music industry.

184
00:09:10,557 --> 00:09:11,581
I have a better idea.

185
00:09:11,605 --> 00:09:14,274
I'm gonna start my own bar
that'll only serve craft brew

186
00:09:14,299 --> 00:09:16,470
and play cool music that I curate.

187
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,200
Nothing can stop me now
except for myself,

188
00:09:22,225 --> 00:09:23,676
and I am not gonna stop myself.

189
00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:25,950
That would be stupid,
and I am not stupid.

190
00:09:25,975 --> 00:09:28,380
Mr. Levinson, Kate
and John are here to see you.

191
00:09:28,382 --> 00:09:30,002
Got to go, Matty.

192
00:09:30,948 --> 00:09:32,359
My peers.

193
00:09:32,384 --> 00:09:36,766
Jake, we have a very important
project for you.

194
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:38,123
Ooh.

195
00:09:38,125 --> 00:09:42,656
We need you to spearhead the
creation of a secret Internet.

196
00:09:42,681 --> 00:09:44,930
- Great. How do I do that?
- Now that you're a junior exec,

197
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,795
it is your job to answer
those kinds of questions.

198
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:47,951
But don't worry. We're not expecting you

199
00:09:47,976 --> 00:09:50,278
to do this completely by yourself.
That would be stupid.

200
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:51,903
And we are not stupid.

201
00:09:51,905 --> 00:09:54,873
Hey, Ted! Get on out here, pal.

202
00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:57,709
- Hey.
- Ted is a computer whiz.

203
00:09:57,711 --> 00:09:58,910
He's already been briefed.

204
00:09:58,912 --> 00:10:00,212
We'll leave you to it.

205
00:10:00,214 --> 00:10:02,513
Wait. Is it an Internet that is a secret

206
00:10:02,515 --> 00:10:04,883
or an Internet for secrets?

207
00:10:04,885 --> 00:10:07,317
We've already said too much.

208
00:10:09,789 --> 00:10:12,689
So, secret Internet.

209
00:10:12,691 --> 00:10:13,791
Think you can handle it?

210
00:10:13,793 --> 00:10:16,160
Oh, yeah, that's totally doable.

211
00:10:16,162 --> 00:10:18,262
Yeah, I've been ready
to sink my little fingers

212
00:10:18,264 --> 00:10:21,132
into a project like this
for a long time now.

213
00:10:21,134 --> 00:10:24,135
Great. And listen, I'm not gonna
micro-manage you.

214
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:26,767
I'm like the quarterback, and
I'm handing the ball off to you.

215
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,274
And I'm grabbing that ball,
I'm gonna tuck it in tight,

216
00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:31,828
and I'm gonna run it into
the end zone for a touchdown.

217
00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:33,710
Then I'm gonna kick the extra point.

218
00:10:33,712 --> 00:10:35,052
Make it a 2-point conversion?

219
00:10:35,077 --> 00:10:36,720
Oh, you betcha.

220
00:10:37,743 --> 00:10:40,609
_

221
00:10:40,634 --> 00:10:43,119
What's scarier than witches and goblins?

222
00:10:43,121 --> 00:10:45,322
The impending collapse of society.

223
00:10:45,324 --> 00:10:47,924
Which is why, this Halloween,
many parents are handing out

224
00:10:47,926 --> 00:10:50,463
freeze-dried snacks instead of candy.

225
00:10:52,373 --> 00:10:54,173
I'll take the pumpkin ale.

226
00:10:55,156 --> 00:10:57,513
_

227
00:11:02,239 --> 00:11:04,239
_

228
00:11:19,691 --> 00:11:20,690
Ted?

229
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,521
Oh, yeah.

230
00:11:30,028 --> 00:11:32,193
American consumers
are flocking to stores

231
00:11:32,218 --> 00:11:34,970
to get the hottest toys
for what may very well be

232
00:11:34,972 --> 00:11:36,747
the last Christmas.

233
00:11:38,476 --> 00:11:40,376
I'll take the Christmas ale.

234
00:12:08,903 --> 00:12:10,035
I had it engraved

235
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:12,607
with your highest rating
in the 18-to-34 demo.

236
00:12:12,609 --> 00:12:14,476
I love it.

237
00:12:14,478 --> 00:12:15,677
Ted?

238
00:12:16,911 --> 00:12:18,761
_

239
00:12:18,786 --> 00:12:20,159
I mean, I'm pretty good,

240
00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:22,517
but the best? I guess I am.

241
00:12:27,482 --> 00:12:29,491
Your number's up, Ruffalo.

242
00:12:31,474 --> 00:12:32,488
_

243
00:12:32,513 --> 00:12:34,800
A little bit of good news
as the end nears.

244
00:12:34,825 --> 00:12:37,699
Stock markets are reaching record highs.

245
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:39,807
It's always good to go out on top.

246
00:12:39,965 --> 00:12:42,427
I'll take the Presidents' Day pilsner.

247
00:12:43,068 --> 00:12:46,902
I have stockpiled five years'
worth of freeze-dried foods,

248
00:12:46,927 --> 00:12:50,414
bottled water, toilet paper,
and assault rifles.

249
00:12:50,439 --> 00:12:53,438
I'm $25,000 in credit-card debt,

250
00:12:53,463 --> 00:12:55,094
but I'm ready for whatever's coming.

251
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:58,085
And what if the world doesn't end?

252
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,102
I don't even want to think about that.

253
00:13:31,991 --> 00:13:33,755
I'll get the Presidents' Day pilsner.

254
00:13:34,949 --> 00:13:36,661
- Hey.
- Hey.

255
00:13:36,761 --> 00:13:39,455
Excellent work, everyone.
Revenue is accelerating,

256
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,021
and our stock prices
are at a historic high.

257
00:13:42,411 --> 00:13:46,105
Jake, how are things coming
along with the secret Internet?

258
00:13:46,130 --> 00:13:49,652
Well, don't tell anyone,
because it's a secret,

259
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,786
but it's going great.

260
00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:56,265
I know there's been some speculation

261
00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:57,500
that "The Fall!" campaign has led

262
00:13:57,525 --> 00:14:00,711
to an "unstable" economic bubble
that could burst.

263
00:14:00,736 --> 00:14:03,737
However, thankfully, I've been
assured by our economist

264
00:14:03,739 --> 00:14:07,391
that this is a new kind
of bubble that cannot burst.

265
00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:09,380
Isn't that right, Gideon?

266
00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,593
Yeah.

267
00:14:13,382 --> 00:14:14,715
The economy has collapsed,

268
00:14:14,717 --> 00:14:17,451
and the stock market
is in a death spiral.

269
00:14:17,453 --> 00:14:20,621
The Armageddon bubble,
as it's being called, has burst,

270
00:14:20,623 --> 00:14:23,089
and consumers are furious
they spent their savings

271
00:14:23,091 --> 00:14:26,226
preparing for an apocalypse
that never came.

272
00:14:26,228 --> 00:14:28,061
You told me the world was gonna end!

273
00:14:28,063 --> 00:14:29,997
Why did I buy all this stuff?!

274
00:14:30,022 --> 00:14:32,122
Worthless!

275
00:14:32,266 --> 00:14:35,028
Fuck Hampton DeVi...

276
00:14:35,053 --> 00:14:36,703
What convinced so many people

277
00:14:36,705 --> 00:14:39,339
that society was on the verge
of collapse?

278
00:14:39,341 --> 00:14:41,407
- BNN experts say we may never know
- _

279
00:14:41,409 --> 00:14:44,009
and that we should stop
asking that question.

280
00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:50,083
Obviously, the world didn't end,

281
00:14:50,108 --> 00:14:52,275
but that's not the end of the world.

282
00:14:52,420 --> 00:14:55,054
Now, is it a huge setback
that the world didn't end?

283
00:14:55,056 --> 00:14:58,491
Well... yes, of course.

284
00:15:01,175 --> 00:15:05,743
But at least no one
is pointing the finger at us.

285
00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:07,599
This is Cronker Wilson reporting.

286
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:08,902
The last several months,

287
00:15:08,927 --> 00:15:11,837
I've been secretly
working undercover at BNN,

288
00:15:11,839 --> 00:15:15,007
and what I've discovered there
is shocking.

289
00:15:15,009 --> 00:15:18,543
BNN and its parent company,
Hampton DeVille, colluded

290
00:15:18,545 --> 00:15:20,512
to purposely cause the market frenzy

291
00:15:20,514 --> 00:15:22,909
that led to the economic collapse.

292
00:15:23,091 --> 00:15:25,144
A daytime talk show?

293
00:15:25,152 --> 00:15:26,952
I've got to rebrand.

294
00:15:26,954 --> 00:15:28,787
This is a huge opportunity for me.

295
00:15:28,789 --> 00:15:30,989
It's network television.

296
00:15:30,991 --> 00:15:32,858
Sure, the content is absolute garbage,

297
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:34,993
but it pays so much more.

298
00:15:34,995 --> 00:15:37,029
I thought you were a journalist.

299
00:15:37,031 --> 00:15:38,396
No, you didn't.

300
00:15:38,398 --> 00:15:42,388
Well, you came here
to stab me in the back.

301
00:15:42,869 --> 00:15:45,341
Why don't I make it easy for you?

302
00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:48,540
So, when you posed as a janitor,

303
00:15:48,542 --> 00:15:50,775
you had to clean the toilets, correct?

304
00:15:50,777 --> 00:15:53,114
I never cleaned vomit.

305
00:15:54,548 --> 00:15:56,781
It's good I didn't fuck Mark Ruffalo.

306
00:15:56,783 --> 00:15:58,283
He wanted it bad.

307
00:15:58,285 --> 00:15:59,651
I should be clear on that.

308
00:15:59,653 --> 00:16:02,300
But this way,
I have something to live for.

309
00:16:02,325 --> 00:16:05,457
And so does he. And speaking of
having something to live for,

310
00:16:05,459 --> 00:16:07,726
I got to go be a powerful exec.

311
00:16:07,728 --> 00:16:09,394
Teddy boy.

312
00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:13,552
Ted-head?

313
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:16,294
Teddy Krueger?

314
00:16:20,695 --> 00:16:21,973
Tedder?

315
00:16:40,826 --> 00:16:42,880
Ted, what the hell is this?

316
00:16:43,739 --> 00:16:46,163
It's just, uh, my office, sort of,

317
00:16:46,165 --> 00:16:47,864
and I've been sleeping in here.

318
00:16:47,866 --> 00:16:49,777
Where is the secret Internet?

319
00:16:49,802 --> 00:16:53,770
I have a little secret to tell
you about the secret Internet.

320
00:16:53,772 --> 00:16:55,205
What's the secret?

321
00:16:55,207 --> 00:16:56,706
I haven't made a secret Internet.

322
00:16:56,708 --> 00:16:59,200
I don't know how,
and I do not know what it is.

323
00:16:59,225 --> 00:17:00,643
Ted, you fucked me!

324
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,279
What have you been doing
for the past six months,

325
00:17:02,281 --> 00:17:03,714
just playing video games in the fort?

326
00:17:03,739 --> 00:17:06,316
Yes, I know, I know,
and I'm... I'm sorry.

327
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:09,683
But before you get too mad,
I have a crackerjack idea,

328
00:17:09,708 --> 00:17:11,554
and I think it might
pull us out of this.

329
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:12,722
What?

330
00:17:12,724 --> 00:17:14,457
We go to Vegas tonight.

331
00:17:14,459 --> 00:17:16,993
You give me a little cash,
and I get it all back.

332
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,394
Get what back, Teddy?

333
00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:20,162
I'm like 20 grand in the hole.

334
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,932
I've been online gambling
in the fort this whole time.

335
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:26,588
You just better pray the real
Internet never goes down.

336
00:17:27,849 --> 00:17:29,238
Hampton DeVille's servers

337
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:33,044
have been... compromised
by a hacker collective.

338
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,710
They're saying it's a retaliation

339
00:17:34,712 --> 00:17:37,146
for our role in creating
the Armageddon bubble.

340
00:17:37,622 --> 00:17:38,714
Christ.

341
00:17:38,716 --> 00:17:41,707
Sometimes it feels like
everyone turns against you...

342
00:17:41,732 --> 00:17:44,724
the public, the board of directors,

343
00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:47,022
the media.

344
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:52,661
But luckily, we are
more than prepared for this.

345
00:17:52,663 --> 00:17:57,198
Now, a few months ago, I handed
a ball off to Jake Levinson,

346
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,267
and he took that ball,
tucked it in tight,

347
00:17:59,269 --> 00:18:01,816
and ran into the end zone
for a touchdown.

348
00:18:01,841 --> 00:18:04,973
And then he kicked
the extra point himself.

349
00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:08,271
Jake...

350
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:12,847
tell everyone about the secret Internet.

351
00:18:19,122 --> 00:18:21,724
So, here's the thing about secrets.

352
00:18:23,325 --> 00:18:24,933
Well, we are thrilled

353
00:18:24,958 --> 00:18:28,586
to have the very handsome
Zeke Lupei in the studio.

354
00:18:28,611 --> 00:18:31,812
Now, I think that our audience
will be surprised to learn

355
00:18:31,837 --> 00:18:34,237
that you weren't always a chef.

356
00:18:34,262 --> 00:18:36,316
Oh, well, that... that is correct.

357
00:18:36,341 --> 00:18:38,074
Yeah, actually, I was an executive

358
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,592
in the corporate world for
a number of years. I know.

359
00:18:40,617 --> 00:18:42,654
- Yuck.
- But I chucked that all aside,

360
00:18:42,681 --> 00:18:44,514
and I chased after my true calling,

361
00:18:44,516 --> 00:18:46,082
which is right here in the kitchen.

362
00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,817
Wow.

363
00:18:47,819 --> 00:18:49,586
Now, do you have anything
that you could tell

364
00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:53,036
the people out there that really
want to follow their dreams?

365
00:18:53,061 --> 00:18:55,489
Well, I'd probably say...

366
00:18:56,561 --> 00:19:00,563
don't let anyone ever tell you
that your dreams are cliché.

367
00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:02,652
You are unique, all right?

368
00:19:02,677 --> 00:19:04,793
So you get out there,
and you chase after

369
00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:08,808
the vague concept of a dream
for however long it may take.

370
00:19:08,810 --> 00:19:10,076
Be a chef!

371
00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:12,042
You need to be a chef!

372
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,309
Become a fucking chef.

373
00:19:14,383 --> 00:19:16,216
Become a fucking chef.

374
00:19:20,137 --> 00:19:22,232
_

375
00:19:22,256 --> 00:19:24,091
_

376
00:19:36,247 --> 00:19:38,677
_

377
00:19:41,594 --> 00:19:43,259
A'ight, how you want your eggs?

378
00:19:43,261 --> 00:19:44,995
Sunny side up.

379
00:19:44,997 --> 00:19:46,496
And you want a dozen?

380
00:19:46,498 --> 00:19:48,531
Better make it a baker's dozen.

381
00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:51,001
All right, man.
I-I'll... I'll do the eggs.

382
00:19:51,003 --> 00:19:54,037
My parents are gonna freak,
but I have to commit.

383
00:19:54,039 --> 00:19:55,639
I've given up on too many dreams.

384
00:19:55,641 --> 00:19:58,541
But once I get this tattoo,
there's no going back.

385
00:19:58,543 --> 00:20:02,028
I'm gonna dedicate the rest of
my life to becoming a top chef.

386
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,033
God!

387
00:20:12,056 --> 00:20:13,685
You ready, man?

388
00:20:14,008 --> 00:20:17,099
Yeah. Okay. Let's do this.

389
00:20:26,482 --> 00:20:29,238
Mmm. You know, I kind of missed
the office coffee.

390
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,339
It's not that bad.

391
00:20:30,341 --> 00:20:31,773
I told you things never change.

392
00:20:31,775 --> 00:20:34,709
That's why I got demoted...
to prove a point.

393
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:37,912
Things have changed.
I have a whole new attitude now.

394
00:20:37,914 --> 00:20:39,589
Instead of wasting all my time

395
00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:41,450
fantasizing about
what else my life could be,

396
00:20:41,452 --> 00:20:43,285
I'm gonna appreciate what I have here

397
00:20:43,287 --> 00:20:45,287
and stop complaining
about the little things.

398
00:20:45,289 --> 00:20:47,756
A job's a job,
and I'm lucky to have one.

399
00:20:47,758 --> 00:20:50,193
From now on, you're never
gonna hear me say...

400
00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:54,341
Ohh, God, this coffee sucks.

401
00:20:54,366 --> 00:20:59,580
credits

402
00:20:59,605 --> 00:21:02,541
So, we're looking
to normalize fear in children.

403
00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:05,769
And we have developed a whole
new line of Skankz dolls.

404
00:21:05,794 --> 00:21:07,836
- Yeah.
- Disaster-Preparedness Skankz,

405
00:21:07,838 --> 00:21:09,221
- Mutant Skankz...
- Ooh.

406
00:21:09,246 --> 00:21:11,131
Resort-to-Cannibalism Skankz,

407
00:21:11,156 --> 00:21:13,056
and Anxious Skankzious.

408
00:21:13,081 --> 00:21:14,500
? She's a Skankz ?