I've got a dirty mind and everybody knows it.
Fuck!
M-M-M-Marnie...
Just scrubbing the shame off the taps,
hoovering some regret off the carpet
and cleaning up the general horror of last week.
Hi.
- Hi. - I cleaned the flat.
- Yeah, it needed it. - Mm.
- And I got a job. - Oh, well done.
Are you going to go to Amber's party?
'Cos we could go together, and seeing as you don't really know
- that many people... - Probably not.
Right, I'll maybe see you in the kitchen later.
Er, I feel like I've hardly seen you all week.
Er, I've been working.
I had to let Karen go. There's been a lot of interim admin.
Oh. I'm not always nice to people.
I said sorry.
Can we just...
... go back to how things were?
'Cos I'm uncomfortable enough as it is in my cupboard.
- Er, maybe it isn't working. - No, I like the cupboard,
and I'm not even that uncomfortable. I'm used to it.
I sleep in a ball, anyway, and it's comforting.
No, um...
Maybe you should move out.
Why?
You said it was just until you got yourself sorted.
It's not because of your disorder.
Well, you mentioning it kind of makes it seem like it is,
'cos why would you bring it up if it's not?
It's just like standing over a dead body and going,
- "It wasn't me!" - It's because of you!
It's because of you and the way you are with people.
How I am with people is because of my OCD.
It makes me a shit person and I'm going to be shit
until I'm better, so, it's just like, when is that?
'Cos I've had three sessions now
and I thought I was going to feel better than this.
What do you think being "better" means?
I'll be a better person when I don't have these thoughts
and wondering what they mean and who I am.
The problem isn't the thoughts, though.
It's the way they make you feel
and the shame you have about them.
That's why we need to find a way for you
to have a different relationship with them.
I don't want a relationship with them. I want them to go away.
That's why I'm here. That's what I'm paying for.
Having absurd thoughts is part of being human.
If you got rid of them completely
you'd be brain-dead.
I just want you to tell me when they'll stop
and when I'll be better, so I can stop worrying about dying alone
'cos I'm such a shit person.
Therapy is not going to help you get rid of your thoughts,
and the more you try to do that, the more you'll have,
and the more distressed you'll get.
So I'm always going to have them?
I know you're looking for a definitive answer.
I AM going to get better, though?
I'm sorry. I can't, I can't give you that.
Hey.
I thought you weren't staying.
Yeah, I know. I must've just fallen asleep.
Whoops.
Well, it's a natural human response.
I won't hold it against you.
So, what shall we do?
Oh, I don't know about you, but I'm going to go and do a HIIT class.
- I'm not doing a HIIT class. - Well, you should.
Fuck it. Do you want to come to my birthday party?
When is it?
Today, actually.
Birthday and party.
What're you doing here, man?
Er, it was the only time you could do.
So, do you want to come, or... ?
Why?
'Cos people in London are flakes and I don't want it to be just me
and four others staring at some fucking Gs.
Right, who's going to be there?
Loads of people, you know?
Er, people from work, people not from work.
People from... your house?
Yeah...
I don't know, it's just...
... a bit much.
I don't WANT you to come.
It's just for numbers. I'm asking everyone.
I'm asking... my colourist.
But we should catch up next week.
Yeah, catch up.
I thought you didn't like coffee.
I slept with a barista, now I'm a barista.
- It's like a hipster STD. - You should've stuck with him.
He could've given you some tips,
since you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.
- I've had half a day's training! - As what?
As this?
Fuck's sake...
Marnie, just let me do it. It's fine. I'll do it.
Can you just clear, please?
And take that lady her muffin?
Don't. I need this,
otherwise I'm just another homeless Scottish person.
Sorry, it's such a stereotype.
You can always crash at mine if you get stuck.
Are you sure?
It might be a bit awkward, because last time you asked me over
you showed me your cock.
I take it back then.
Are you coming to Amber's?
Er, I'm meant to be seeing Sarah.
You should bring her.
- I'm not sure she'll be up for it. - Really?
I thought she'd love a chance to hang out with the kids.
No, she'd rather stay in and have sex with me.
So...
... does that mean you're better?
- Getting there, yeah. - That's why you go felting.
Menopausal women do it for you.
They must do.
Hope it works this time.
Yeah, it will.
It will.
- I'll leave you to it. - Yeah, have a good one.
- I will. - Yeah, fine. See you around, then.
I might have a mental disorder,
but it's other people who have the problem.
I just want to be a normal 24-year-old woman
currently living in London.
I'm just going to style it out and act like nothing happened,
like a clumsy fall or a fanny fart.
- Happy birthday! - Hey!
Wow, you are really early, aren't you?
Er, well, you said any time after 9,
and it's one minute past, so, after 9.
Exactly, and most people interpret that as 10 at the earliest.
Also, I just wanted to check that we were OK after the whole...
... Pasta-gate thing. I'm not thinking about your vagina!
Yeah, we're, um...
We're fine.
Did you get anything nice for your birthday?
Yeah. Er, cards, money and a LOAD of comments on Facebook
- so it has been a gas. - Well...
... this is from me.
Ah, thanks.
- You've really wrapped it there. - Yeah. It's not exciting.
Cool, perfume.
Yeah, so you don't smell like a dead old lady.
No, I won't!
And I'll spray.
- It's quite sweet. - It's nothing.
I meant the, the smell.
It's quite a summery scent than a wintry one.
I like it, though.
You could always use it as a room spritz.
Do you ever have a party and then it's time for the party, and...
... and you can't be fucking arsed with a party?
- Yeah. - And then you have all these people in your house.
You're like...
... "Get out of my fucking house".
And that's if they even turn up at all.
- I, I wasn't looking. - No, I know you weren't.
It's the material.
- What is it? - Polyester.
It looks great.
Joe!
He'll be down in a minute to talk to you.
Do you want to grab yourself a drink? I'm just going to...
- ... put some clothes on, you know? - Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
So what if I imagined honking her breast?
She literally does it all the time to people.
At least vodka's my friend.
Hey.
Amber says you have to talk to me.
- OK. - How's your foot?
It's good, yeah. How's your...
... disorder? Sorry, I don't know how to...
Still disordering.
Um... That's why...
... I couldn't...
- ... when you tried... - And if I'd known, I wouldn't have.
Right. Not many people would.
I wouldn't.
No, not 'cos I don't want to know, 'cos I do.
I googled you.
Er, I'm not a sheep breeder from Wick,
never worked for easyJet
and I didn't die in 1847.
Different Marnie McCauley.
I googled what you have.
'Cos you wanted to look at stock images of distressed-looking women?
Yeah.
Could've just gone to a chemist and hung out by the cystitis sachets.
I can't. There's a poster of me behind the till.
No, I wanted to,
I don't know, educate myself and talk to you about it,
if you wanted, 'cos maybe you don't want to talk, but if you do...
... I'm here.
Thanks.
If I was going to buy a man off Amazon, I'd buy you.
Great picture, good reviews.
Same day delivery.
I don't know what that means!
Ugh, come on, lads, this is a food preparation area.
Er, I washed my hands.
She had something in her eye.
Your tongue?
Shit, wait. Do you have a girlfriend?
No!
OK, I never know.
You're on then you're off,
then you're on again, like somebody playing with the lights.
It's off now. It's dark.
Not dark as in sinister, just dark as in it's not happening!
It's like someone took the dimmer switch
- and turned it down really slowly. - Oooh, mood lighting!
All right, you can come on in. Give your coats to Joe.
Oh, shit.
Don't worry about them. You're old news.
The new one of you has a massive necklace
and they're obsessed by it!
It rattles every time she moves. You can hear her coming.
Joe!
- Better go. - Isn't he banging Moira, the one with the chin?
Nah, they're just really good mates.
So, er, kitchen is the bar, so help yourselves.
- Mate, do you want some birthday cake? - Maybe later.
Boring!
Have you got any good red wine?
- Probably, yes. - Good, though.
Do you know what? Let me, let me see what I can do.
- Not saying hello? - Oh, my God, hi!
Yes, I... didn't see you. Yes, I'm saying hello.
Hello.
Amber told me what was wrong with you.
Or the more PC version of that, whatever that is.
She shouldn't have done that.
She thought I was owed an explanation.
I'm sorry for bringing my mental health issues to...
So, are you, like, constantly horny?
Er, more like constantly confused and frustrated.
You should write about it.
- For Ethel? - Not for Ethel.
I'm not sure you quite fitted in.
That wasn't really ME.
So the drinking at work and the general misconduct,
who was that, then?
- Is Rioja all right? - Haven't you got any Malbec?
No.
Oh, my God...
Am I running a wine bar?
- What? - You told her!
And I also told her not to tell you.
I was trying to get you a reference.
- Hi. - Fuck off, you came!
Oh!
When did you get here?
Oh, I have to introduce you to my... to the guy...
Ah!
You're going to fucking love him. What are you drinking?
This isn't me being alone. It's me not socialising with twats.
I'm glad I'm peak drunk or it'd be highly embarrassing.
Thanks for coming in... um, round.
No, thank you.
And, um...
Thank you for letting me...
Well, you know, everything.
Feeling better about it has helped.
I'm glad. Um, I'm really glad.
It's been...
... great. It's been really great, for me.
Yeah, me, too.
Why do some blokes not like...
- ... it, you know? - You are generous, diligent...
... punctual, polite.
- Thank you. - Case in point.
Um, bit of constructive feedback, though, if you're, if you're open?
Yeah, yeah, always.
It's a bit samey. Um...
- A bit of variety wouldn't go amiss. - I've only been round twice.
Yeah, mix up the speed, the pressure.
- I mean, it's not an appraisal. - It kind of is, though.
- Like an end of the week review? - More like an exit interview.
Sorry.
Sarah.
Don't do this.
Sarah!
- Sarah, don't do... - Stop it, stop.
Sorry, sorry.
Um...
Can I, er...
- Can I ask why? - I'm a doer.
I like... I like doing.
And at the moment I'm not doing much except lying there, and it is,
it's lovely, but it's not enough.
Sometimes, you just want...
... a cock.
Sometimes you want a cock, Charlie, OK? That's it.
Well, you are in luck, madame.
Because...
Ding.
- Um, it'll take about half an hour to kick in... - Charlie.
So just bear with me. Talk amongst yourselves, and I will be...
Charlie.
Um... Um, oh.
Fiddly little bastard!
Isn't this cheating?
- No, 'cos I'm not with anyone, am I? - You know what I mean, Charlie.
And, um...
I don't want to let you down.
You don't want to do this with me.
Find yourself a nice young lady and get to know each other, gently,
without, you know, rushing.
Well...
I know a nice young lady, so...
Yes! Shereen!
You're here and now I don't have to try
and think of cool things to say to people.
Well, I didn't come here to charm YOU.
You don't know anyone, who else are you going to talk to?
- I don't know, other people? - Yeah, that's a great place to sit, guys.
Oh, no, she won't...
Hi, I'm Shereen.
- Nice to meet you. - I'm Sef.
Um...
Sorry.
That's actually mine.
Sorry, yeah, somebody drank mine, so I thought it was maybe a...
- ... a help yourself kind of thing. - It's not.
Are you this selfish in bed, love?
Here, have one of mine.
I bet she steals all the covers.
Yeah, and makes loads of crumbs!
- Who do you know here? - You. Cheers.
- You all right? - Oh, yeah, just...
- Just a bit drunk. - Do you want to sit down?
- No, no, I'll just keep my eyes shut. - No, don't, that'll make it worse.
Eyes on a fixed point.
Come on, look at me.
That's right.
What would she taste like?
What the fuck, Nancy?
- Nancy? - Maybe you should go find Joe.
I thought this was a bit much.
Yeah, it is a bit, mate. Chill out.
Were you going to say hi to me, or were you just going to spend
the whole night in the kitchen getting handsy with my mates?
Did I come in here to drink booze or people's saliva?
Fuck!
It's too much.
This entire thing has been 20% sex and 80%...
... me waiting for you to text, and I'm fed up, Nancy.
- I'm fed up. - I've, um...
I've got you a card.
You got me a card?
It's just entirely misconceived, right?
Because fashion isn't about wearing a piece of cloth.
It's like you're wearing a mask, but on your body.
But then it's the opposite of wearing a mask because it completely
exposes who you are, I mean...
- Have you seen Marnie at all? - No, sorry.
I might be full of booze, but I'm empty inside.
I want someone to fill me up.
Marnie?
Excuse me.
Marn?
- What? - I'm doing a sexy face.
It's like the start of a murder.
I'm not going to murder you!
It's like the opposite of a murder.
- Ow! - What?
- Are you sure, with your helmet? - It's not mine.
- It's rubbish, then. - Careful, hey!
Fuck me.
- Not tonight. - Yes, tonight.
Come on, I want to.
- I don't think we should. - We should.
You fuck me and I'll fuck you back.
- Are you all right? - I will be...
... when you fuck me.
Wait, wait...
- What if someone comes in? - I locked the door.
- Stop fucking about. - You started it.
I've not had as much as you.
- What, so you're not drunk enough to have sex with me? - No.
You've had too much.
It's fine. I consent.
I consent!
Marnie, stop it.
- Look, stop it. - Don't be so sexy, then.
- Marnie, stop it, Marn... Look, Marnie... - Come on! You want me to.
- Marnie, stop. I want to. - Stop it!
- Stop, Marnie, no. - Chill the fuck out!
Marnie...
- Just let... - Marnie!
I'm sorry.
- Ah... - Marnie, you need help.
I know I need help! This WILL help!
You'd be helping me.
Not like this.
Not until...
- ... you're better. - No!
If you don't want to help me, don't touch me!
I'm going to get you some water.
Excuse me, excuse me.
I can't breathe.
Please, help...
I need to get out.
I can't breathe.
I could do anything and no-one would even notice.
I'm anonymous, a nobody, an actual fucking stranger.
I could be anyone.
London doesn't give a shit what that is.
I still don't know what I am.
I'm lost in a city of eight million people,
I can't find myself here
and every time I think I do I always spin away
like a fucked up whirlwind.
I want to blow myself out.
Hello?
If you don't come out I'm going to tell everyone you're pooing.
Just a minute!
- Marnie, just answer your phone. - Where do you think she went?
- I have no idea. - Sorry.
- Emma! - All right.
There's a guy having a poo in your loo, he's...
- It's all yours. - Do you do coke?
No.
She's got a bit...
She's had too much.
I want went get her some water.
- Charlie, did you find Marnie? - What happened?
She just lost it.
- What did you do to her, mate? - Nothing, mate.
It's not going to work. She's not picking up.
You all right, kiddo? Where are you?
- What? - How come she picked up for him?
Marnie, where?
- What did she say? What did she say? - What did she say?
- It's fine, I've got it. - Charlie!
Woo!
Be sexier.
You're not...
You're not being sexy enough!
Hey. Hi. I'd like one.
Scuse...
Your hair's long.
- Excuse me. - Who wants a dance, boys?
Sorry. Sorry.
He is drunk.
- Hey, I'd like one. - You are so drunk.
- One nude private dance, please. - You look lonely.
Uh, nah, he doesn't look into it.
I look into because I am. How much is it?
- 30? 40? - Can you leave me alone please?
- No, I said no. I said no. - I'll give you more if you take cards.
- I'll go into my overdraft. - Can you not touch my hair?
Whoa, whoa. What you doing, mate?
I thought you were a feminist.
I'm trying to buy a lap dance but she won't give me one.
OK, well, let me give you one at home, all right?
And it'll be funny instead of like this.
- Come on. Let's go. - No, I'm not finished!
Why are you doing this?
Because this is the stuff I think about.
No matter who I'm with or what I'm doing, this is what's in my head
and I need to know what it means.
No wonder I can't be round people, they can't be round me.
I don't want to be around me.
I want to be around you.
I'm seeing if this turns me on so I know what I like and what I am.
I need to know it in here.
If I could just get a fucking lap dance!
Did your therapist put you up to this?
I told me to do this because I'm the one in my head
and I'm the one who can't be in it a minute longer.
- Come on. - No, I don't know yet.
I can't leave until I know how it really feels.
You're not going to find out in here!
It's not real.
But I don't feel real.
You are real because I'm real, and we're both in here.
- Come here. - Why are you here? I was such a dick to you.
It's all right, it's all right.
I'm here because you're here and that's the deal.
Door to door service.
Just as well, I don't know how I would have got home.
Spent all my money on strippers and booze.
- It was on my way, so... - Was it?
It really wasn't. It's a massive inconvenience.
I know it was.
I'll get off then and, yeah...
Thank you.
Text me when you get home.
Yeah, you too.
I know you're on your doorstep but fuck knows what will happen
between now and then.
Or I could make you a cup of tea?
Yeah, yeah, it's the least you could do.
You should tell Joe you're all right, he'll be worried.
I think he'll be fine.
What happened with you two?
Not like in detail, just the gist, so I know whether to fight him.
Something happened.
Right, yeah, yeah, obviously.
But it won't again.
I don't want to be around someone who is always secretly wishing
I'm better than I am.
What does being better even mean anyway?
You managed it... Sarah.
Yeah, that's not happening.
It didn't happen.
I'm not better, I'm like you.
We're both...
Fuck ups together.
I think I'll save it for a special occasion.
Your birthday or something, Mother's Day.
You shouldn't worry people like that!
I'm sorry.
Thank you for worrying, I don't deserve it.
No, you don't.
- See you, Charlie. - Shereen.
Anyway, you two obviously have stuff to sort out so I'll...
You sure? What about your tea?
I've seen how you make hot drinks, mate. Not happening!
You can buy me one next week if you want.
Night. Eat a banana!
I didn't say come in!
I just want to say I never wanted to live here in the first place.
The only reason I did is because I had nowhere else to go
and it was rent free.
I was a shit person, Shereen.
I still am and it's not because of what I've got.
You were right when you said it was me. It is me.
It's how I am with people
and I don't want to be like that with people, especially not you.
- You made me feel like a small person and I'm not. - I know you're not.
Because some of the things I've done for you
have actually been quite big.
Like letting you live here, paying for your therapy,
making that huge pavlova that hardly anybody ate.
Sorry.
It's in the fridge decaying, like our friendship.
It might still be edible.
Meringue keeps for ages.
- I love living with you. - I love living with you!
Please can I stay?
No.
Fine, uh, I'll start looking for places tomorrow.
- Preferably somewhere not in Tottenham. - Wow, OK.
Somewhere really far away like Lewisham or Streatham.
OK, Shereen, I get it.
And make sure it's got two bedrooms.
You're a fully grown woman.
You can't sleep in a cupboard forever.
I've spent so long trying to find myself in London
I almost didn't see all the other people.
To truly find yourself you have to show others who you really are.
Wow, turns out I am a massive wanker.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -