Well, it happened again...
...another tragedy.
Will we ever learn?
On a day like today,
it's pointless to even post on social media.
But I absolutely must.
I can't, and I won't,
and I cannot, and I will not stay silent.
- As an American... - As an amateur stand-up comedian...
As a privileged person
who recognizes my own privilege...
...it is my duty to speak out.
Admit it, you're all just posting
on social media for the attention.
Today is not about me.
Share my post if you agree.
Today has deeply affected me
on a personal level.
My thoughts and prayers are with the victims
of this horrendous tragedy.
We have to fight fire with peace fire.
Share my post if you agree.
Just watch.
Tomorrow, you'll go back to posting selfies
and forget this tragedy ever happened.
Feels good to say something.
It really does.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
By now, we've all heard the news
about the tragedy in our nation this morning.
Obviously what happened is...
unspeakable.
I don't see how we could possibly
go ahead with our scheduled meeting
about this year's company pullovers...
...but we absolutely must.
Okay.
So let's just dive right in.
Do we like the polar fleece or the brushed fleece?
Felicity...
if you need to take a moment, that's fine.
Just turn around in your chair, so we don't see you.
Listen, I know this is tough,
but it's time-consuming to feel this bad,
and we can't afford that, not on fleece day.
Also, anyone who needs grief counseling today
can talk to Grace.
She's our rock.
Grace?
A little too weepy.
Just to get the ball a-rolling,
I'll share that I actually had a disgusting experience
with brushed fleece in 2004.
It was August. I was in Denver.
And it was hot, but I was cold.
The only people who liked my post
were my mom and Paige.
But I thought you didn't post it for the likes.
You just want to help society, right?
But if nobody sees my post, how can society be helped?
You're a child walking through this world.
Well, you're just being a drain to get attention.
That's not fair.
I'm also doing it to hurt people.
Just to make a long story short,
if you've can never had fleece rash,
consider yourself privileged, really.
Chuck, sit and spin.
How are you not even a little bit sad?
You're just pretending to care
about people you don't even know,
but I bet you haven't even wished Grace a happy birthday.
It's Grace's birthday?
And look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Polar fleece isn't exactly a picnic, either.
- You just want to... - Grace, happy birthday.
Also, I'm sorry it's your birthday.
They killed my cake, Matt.
- Who? - In light of the tragedy,
Hampton DeVille canceled all celebratory cakes.
A cinnamon-vanilla cake
with horchata-buttercream frosting
and fresh strawberries with white chocolate ganache.
It came up as a sponsored ad on my social media feed once,
and I've lusted after it ever since.
Then I saw them murder it...
murder it...
murder it.
Nooooo!
Talk about tragedy.
It's just a cake, Grace.
Try to keep things in perspective.
I packed a light lunch today, Matt.
Do you get that?
My blood sugar is all out of whack.
Hey! Trinity!
Trin, it's starting to feel
like you're the ringleader here, right?
Like, you've infected this room with your sadness.
Like, it's a pandemic, and you're patient zero.
Do the right thing and turn your ass around.
Okay.
Let's talk zippers.
Subtract the number of victims who aren't white,
add the number of victims who are,
carry the seven equals...
We have a Category 5 tragedy on our hands.
- Yes! - All across the nation,
people are sad, and people are scared,
and they are tuning into this tragedy
like it's the reboot of their favorite situation comedy.
Now, we've been the third-rated
cable news network for far too long.
What we need today is to take BNN to number one.
Karen, what have we got lined up?
Well, for starters, we're going to have
an up-to-date victim counter on screen at all times
- and also a countdown clock. - What's it counting down to?
- Nothing. - Perfect.
And let's add a count-up clock, as well.
Oh, I love that.
Cronker...
Do you really need to be here right now?
Now people are going to want to donate to the victims,
so let's make sure they know that the best place to donate
is the DeVille Foundation for Victims.
Kate, find me some dirt on competing charities,
- and make sure the Internet knows. - On it.
Also, I am setting up an interview
with a conspiracy theorist
who claims the tragedy never happened.
Smart.
People need someone to be mad at today.
Jake, your cynicism is not what we need today.
What we need is to dismantle the status quo
- by tweeting at our senators. - Yes.
You know what? You guys are right.
Just kidding. You're wrong.
God. He's been acting like this all day.
68!
BNN can now confirm
that 68 people have lost their lives
- in today's tragedy. - This is absurd.
None of you guys are even talking
about the earthquake that killed 500 people
in Pakistan yesterday.
Oh, my God. I didn't know about Pakistan.
I'm gonna post about it right now.
- Yep. - Yeah, me too.
You're all just tragedy bandwagoners.
- I'm a loyal, dedicated fan. - 69.
There is a lot of pain in this world,
and I'm aware of all of it.
I know all the underground tragedies.
I know the rarities. I know the B-sides.
This is the Ed Sheeran of tragedies,
and you all have pedestrian taste.
- Okay, posted. - Posted.
I just liked both your posts.
- So insightful. - Thanks.
Guys, there was no earthquake in Pakistan.
- Jake! - God...
70!
Oh, my God. It's Paige.
Wait. Why are we clapping?
Didn't you read Paige's post?
No.
Read Paige's post.
"We have to fight fire with peace fire."
Wait. This is my post.
But she didn't credit me.
This already has 3,700 likes?
Wait, my mom liked this!
Really, today is not about me.
Hey, Paige. I saw your post.
- Aw, thank you, Matt. - Well...
Paige, you make me so proud to be on social media.
Aww. I know.
- Hey, Paige. - Hmm?
Hey, um... this might seem silly,
and I know this isn't what we need
on today of all days,
but you kind of took my post
and didn't give me credit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's really resonating with people though.
You must be jazzed. Congrats.
- Oh, thanks. - You're welcome.
But I was just thinking
that maybe you could edit the post
to clarify that it's mine.
Don't you think reposting just to say, "Hey, guys.
Matt wants everyone to know he wrote this,"
distracts from the real conversation?
Oh, I-I-I would never want to distract
- from the real conversation. - Good.
I would maybe just want to add to the real conversation
that I was the one who sort of started the conversation.
You know, maybe you wrote the post,
but you clearly didn't read it
'cause you're making today about yourself, Matt.
You stole my post.
You're a straight-up post thief!
I do not steal. I curate.
And in times of tragedy, people turn to curators like me.
You don't even care about the victims.
You're just doing this for attention.
You know what? It's millennials...
I can see that you're really hurting right now, Matt,
and I want you to know that I understand.
It's okay to cry, Matt.
Hey, guys, I'm just gonna to hop in here.
Ooh! By the way, Paige, incredible post.
I loved it, liked it, faved it, shared it.
Thank you so much, John.
Why is their victim counter higher than ours?
We should always have the highest victim counter!
Damn it! We've been given a golden opportunity,
and we're blowing it.
What do other networks do when they're desperate for ratings?
Celebrity guest star?
But your donations can make a difference,
and the best place to donate
is the DeVille Foundation.
- On a day like today, it is easy... - Richter here.
No. I haven't talked to or seen anyone today.
Shocking news as BNN has
just received an unconfirmed report
that celebrity Andy Richter may be among today's victims.
- No. - What?
I'm sorry. I need a moment.
- Oh! - Hug me.
I'm just gonna get in on this.
What the hell are you doing?
Just making a snack.
Stop it.
Something might have happened to a celebrity.
It's my birthday.
Did you ever think about how it might be
a little problematic for you to have your birthday on today?
- Don't you dare light that. - Grace...
- Grace, don't light that. - Grace.
Grace! Don't you light that!
I brought those sprinkles from home!
Well, I'm so flattered you guys thought of me.
Before we get down to brass tacks,
let me just say that
"Andy Richter Controls the Universe"
is a criminally under-appreciated classic.
You're right about that.
Andy is super jazzed, and the timing couldn't be better.
We were looking for an out-of-the-box way
to promote his directorial debut next month.
It's called "The Infinity Conundrum."
All the characters are robots,
but at its heart, it's really a small story
about a genie.
Hmm.
Well, that sounds absolutely fascinating.
So let's get into the details of what we're...
I am super jazzed that we got Richter.
Well, I'm jazzed, as well.
I mean, at first, I was disappointed
Channing Tatum fell through, but Richter has
- a real boy-next-door quality. - Oh, yeah.
I am a little nervous, though.
I mean, we could get in a lot of trouble if this got out.
Well...
I won't testify against you
if you don't testify against me.
Well, then you should marry me,
and then we can't testify against each other.
Good one.
When we reveal that Andy survived the tragedy,
we were thinking it would be really great
if he could wear a T-shirt from the movie.
Yeah, or a hat.
He can wear whatever he wants
as long as it's covered in blood.
Hi, Andy? Karen James here.
You know, I've always said "Andy Barker, P.I."
being taken off the air before it found its audience
was an absolute tragedy.
I like you, Karen.
So, I just shared you on the fleece spreadsheet.
How many of each size do you think we should get?
I honestly would have preferred brushed.
I should have spoken up.
Now Paige has 12,000 likes on my post.
Can you at least now admit that
you don't care about the victims at all?
Oh, I care about those fucking victims,
and I'm gonna prove it.
So you're going to leave all our work to me?
Great.
77!
Attention, everyone.
I'm collecting donations for the Scarlet Cross
on behalf of the victims.
On days like today,
posting on social media isn't enough.
What we need is cold hard cash.
I just got back from the ATM,
where I withdrew the maximum amount
of $300
plus a $3.50 service fee.
So...
yeah.
Good job.
80 dead.
Hey, Paige, I don't know if you heard,
but I'm collecting donations for the victims.
Care to chip in?
No.
Wow.
That's interesting because I kind of
thought you cared, Paige,
but now you don't want to donate to the Scarlet Cross?
I guess you haven't checked the Internet today.
- Hey. - 81!
BNN has been breaking all of these stories
about how problematic the Scarlet Cross is
and how they're cutting out the hearts
of poor Jamaican people or something.
Pretty sure that's not true.
Well, I posted it, so it's true now.
- 82! - Hey.
Oh, and it looks like a lot of people
have liked my post.
Hey. Hold on. Hold on a second.
You can't just have your money back, okay?
This belongs to the victims now.
It's kind of ironic that you're collecting donations
in a trash can because
giving your money to the Scarlet Cross
is just like throwing it in the trash.
84!
Well, now hold on. Oh, my God.
Look at yourselves,
down there fighting for money on the ground
while people out there...
Okay, now, wait a second! $300 of that is mine.
85!
Kate, do we have all the NDAs?
We have a couple of stragglers, but I'm working on it.
Well, get them.
One whistle-blower,
and the FCC will have their hands
so far up our asses, we'll have fingers for tongues.
Did you get Richter?
Let me talk to him.
Hey. How's it going?
Hiya, Chris. Listen, I got a question.
Would it be okay if I did some improv?
You know, I'm sort of one of the better members of my team.
Okay. Well... you're the talent here, Andy.
I have total faith in you.
Awesome. Thanks, Chris. Bye.
Jesus Christ. Richter is going to blow it.
I knew we should have pushed harder for Tatum!
Hey, Christian, relax. This is the news.
We do it every day,
but there is one important thing that you've forgot.
What?
Have fun.
91 dead.
Happy birthday, Grace.
Nobody's doing any work today,
so I went out and got the cake you wanted
because I'm secretly a great friend.
Oh, yeah.
That baker was pretty fucked up by the tragedy.
That's really sweet, but no thanks.
All I wanted for my birthday was a slice of cake,
but now everyone thinks I'm a horrible, selfish person.
Oh, please.
Everyone is a horrible, selfish person.
It's just that today, people feel helpless,
and they're trying to make themselves feel better,
even though everything they're doing is
misguided and futile
and might even hurt other people,
like voting in a presidential election.
Hey, guys. I just had another selfless idea.
I'm going to organize a blood drive.
Like Paige's blood drive?
How?!
Matt, you're genuinely a bad person.
No, I'm not! I'm good!
Out of the way. Universal donor coming through.
Excuse me!
Did you donate yet?
Oh, I can't. I have an iron deficiency.
Of course you aren't donating blood.
You're just curating everyone else's.
How convenient.
Guess I'll have to donate enough for the both of us.
Hi! I'd like to donate a shit-ton of blood.
Well, aren't you a big boy with a big heart.
Damn right.
Wow.
Add this to the pile, huh?
It's so crazy how we all have different types of blood.
- You're funny. - Yeah.
I'm kind of known of the office class clown.
Yeah, I bet you are.
You're handsome, too.
I got a haircut last month.
Wow.
You know...
I'm not just collecting blood for the victims.
We're also collecting kisses.
Would you like to donate a kiss, big boy?
Of course.
I'd do anything for the victims.
Well, then kiss me, you hunk.
Sadly, still no word on the whereabouts of Daytime
Emmy-Award nominee Andy Richter.
America may soon have to accept
that his life has been tragically cut short,
much like the multiple network sitcoms that bore his name.
We have breaking news.
BNN has just received word that Andy Richter
has survived the tragedy.
He's live on the scene, and we've got the exclusive.
Andy, first off, on behalf of all of us at BNN,
I would like to welcome you back from the dead.
It must have been harrowing.
Yes, and I am grateful to be alive, Karen.
I had to survive on rainwater and the tears of the fallen.
Incredible. You must have been so thirsty.
What else can you tell us?
In the darkest moments, I found myself contemplating
mortality, selflessness
and the fact that love conquers all,
which coincidentally are all themes
in "The Infinity Conundrum."
That is the movie you have coming out
in theaters nationwide next month?
And it's also simultaneously streaming on demand.
Andy Richter, alive and well,
controlling the universe once again.
Christian...
we just got the ratings.
We're number one!
Yes!
I gave blood!
They said I gave the most blood.
He donated too much blood.
We have to get his blood sugar up.
Come on.
? Everybody knows where the angel lives ?
? Everybody knows where the angel flies ?
? Everybody sees her face ?
? Brushing up against their windowpanes ?
_
Come on, get the fruity. Get the fruit part in.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
We're trying to get his blood sugar back up.
He's choking on the cake!
Oh!
- Yeah. - Damn it!
? Everybody knows how the courageous ?
? Oh ?
? If you can feel it in the birthplace of your heart ?
? Everybody knows inspiration ?
? Even in the wake of devastation ?
- Bad cake. - Oh, my God. Grace, you killed him.
Get it out! Come on get it out. Get it out. Spit it out.
? I've been waiting my whole life ?
? Just to walk with you ?
? And I've been waiting my whole life to hear your voice ?
? And I know it's gonna be my choice ?
? It will happen to me, of course ?
? I will be ready ?
100!
credits
Here is a little slice of hope on an otherwise dark day.
- Come on, buddy. - A group of Hampton DeVille employees
came together to save a big boy
with a big heart
who passed out after donating
too much blood to the victims.
Oh, my God. We're heroes.