1 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:06,155 Well, it happened again... 2 00:00:06,204 --> 00:00:07,770 ...another tragedy. 3 00:00:07,795 --> 00:00:09,295 Will we ever learn? 4 00:00:09,297 --> 00:00:10,757 On a day like today, 5 00:00:10,782 --> 00:00:13,195 it's pointless to even post on social media. 6 00:00:13,220 --> 00:00:14,800 But I absolutely must. 7 00:00:14,802 --> 00:00:16,607 I can't, and I won't, 8 00:00:16,632 --> 00:00:19,904 and I cannot, and I will not stay silent. 9 00:00:19,929 --> 00:00:22,634 - As an American... - As an amateur stand-up comedian... 10 00:00:22,659 --> 00:00:23,908 As a privileged person 11 00:00:23,910 --> 00:00:25,976 who recognizes my own privilege... 12 00:00:25,978 --> 00:00:27,812 ...it is my duty to speak out. 13 00:00:27,814 --> 00:00:29,280 Admit it, you're all just posting 14 00:00:29,282 --> 00:00:31,115 on social media for the attention. 15 00:00:31,117 --> 00:00:33,938 Today is not about me. 16 00:00:33,963 --> 00:00:35,862 Share my post if you agree. 17 00:00:42,995 --> 00:00:44,862 Today has deeply affected me 18 00:00:44,864 --> 00:00:46,558 on a personal level. 19 00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:48,833 My thoughts and prayers are with the victims 20 00:00:48,835 --> 00:00:50,862 of this horrendous tragedy. 21 00:00:50,887 --> 00:00:54,470 We have to fight fire with peace fire. 22 00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:56,239 Share my post if you agree. 23 00:00:56,241 --> 00:00:57,474 Just watch. 24 00:00:57,476 --> 00:00:59,409 Tomorrow, you'll go back to posting selfies 25 00:00:59,411 --> 00:01:01,858 and forget this tragedy ever happened. 26 00:01:05,539 --> 00:01:07,100 Feels good to say something. 27 00:01:07,125 --> 00:01:08,558 It really does. 28 00:01:20,676 --> 00:01:28,064 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 29 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,220 By now, we've all heard the news 30 00:01:30,245 --> 00:01:33,073 about the tragedy in our nation this morning. 31 00:01:34,924 --> 00:01:37,237 Obviously what happened is... 32 00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:39,792 unspeakable. 33 00:01:41,051 --> 00:01:42,885 I don't see how we could possibly 34 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,406 go ahead with our scheduled meeting 35 00:01:45,431 --> 00:01:47,816 about this year's company pullovers... 36 00:01:51,432 --> 00:01:53,355 ...but we absolutely must. 37 00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:57,165 Okay. 38 00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:58,934 So let's just dive right in. 39 00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:02,362 Do we like the polar fleece or the brushed fleece? 40 00:02:03,575 --> 00:02:04,816 Felicity... 41 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,609 if you need to take a moment, that's fine. 42 00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:11,346 Just turn around in your chair, so we don't see you. 43 00:02:12,042 --> 00:02:14,120 Listen, I know this is tough, 44 00:02:14,707 --> 00:02:16,807 but it's time-consuming to feel this bad, 45 00:02:17,021 --> 00:02:19,154 and we can't afford that, not on fleece day. 46 00:02:19,156 --> 00:02:22,152 Also, anyone who needs grief counseling today 47 00:02:22,177 --> 00:02:23,792 can talk to Grace. 48 00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:25,066 She's our rock. 49 00:02:27,951 --> 00:02:29,159 Grace? 50 00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,333 A little too weepy. 51 00:02:33,547 --> 00:02:35,369 Just to get the ball a-rolling, 52 00:02:35,371 --> 00:02:39,261 I'll share that I actually had a disgusting experience 53 00:02:39,286 --> 00:02:41,769 with brushed fleece in 2004. 54 00:02:41,978 --> 00:02:43,945 It was August. I was in Denver. 55 00:02:43,947 --> 00:02:45,558 And it was hot, but I was cold. 56 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:46,880 The only people who liked my post 57 00:02:46,882 --> 00:02:48,316 were my mom and Paige. 58 00:02:48,318 --> 00:02:50,117 But I thought you didn't post it for the likes. 59 00:02:50,119 --> 00:02:51,953 You just want to help society, right? 60 00:02:51,955 --> 00:02:55,056 But if nobody sees my post, how can society be helped? 61 00:02:55,058 --> 00:02:56,824 You're a child walking through this world. 62 00:02:56,826 --> 00:02:58,826 Well, you're just being a drain to get attention. 63 00:02:58,828 --> 00:03:00,061 That's not fair. 64 00:03:00,063 --> 00:03:01,692 I'm also doing it to hurt people. 65 00:03:02,403 --> 00:03:04,098 Just to make a long story short, 66 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,933 if you've can never had fleece rash, 67 00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:08,575 consider yourself privileged, really. 68 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,667 Chuck, sit and spin. 69 00:03:10,806 --> 00:03:12,906 How are you not even a little bit sad? 70 00:03:12,908 --> 00:03:14,074 You're just pretending to care 71 00:03:14,076 --> 00:03:15,481 about people you don't even know, 72 00:03:15,506 --> 00:03:18,278 but I bet you haven't even wished Grace a happy birthday. 73 00:03:18,809 --> 00:03:20,313 It's Grace's birthday? 74 00:03:20,315 --> 00:03:22,048 And look, I'm not gonna lie to you. 75 00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:24,417 Polar fleece isn't exactly a picnic, either. 76 00:03:24,419 --> 00:03:27,454 - You just want to... - Grace, happy birthday. 77 00:03:27,456 --> 00:03:30,387 Also, I'm sorry it's your birthday. 78 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:33,058 They killed my cake, Matt. 79 00:03:33,843 --> 00:03:35,942 - Who? - In light of the tragedy, 80 00:03:35,944 --> 00:03:39,646 Hampton DeVille canceled all celebratory cakes. 81 00:03:39,648 --> 00:03:41,964 A cinnamon-vanilla cake 82 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,261 with horchata-buttercream frosting 83 00:03:44,286 --> 00:03:48,021 and fresh strawberries with white chocolate ganache. 84 00:03:48,023 --> 00:03:51,370 It came up as a sponsored ad on my social media feed once, 85 00:03:51,395 --> 00:03:54,754 and I've lusted after it ever since. 86 00:03:54,997 --> 00:03:57,463 Then I saw them murder it... 87 00:03:57,465 --> 00:03:58,498 murder it... 88 00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:00,300 murder it. 89 00:04:04,773 --> 00:04:07,173 Nooooo! 90 00:04:11,813 --> 00:04:13,679 Talk about tragedy. 91 00:04:13,681 --> 00:04:14,915 It's just a cake, Grace. 92 00:04:14,917 --> 00:04:16,649 Try to keep things in perspective. 93 00:04:16,651 --> 00:04:19,318 I packed a light lunch today, Matt. 94 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,986 Do you get that? 95 00:04:20,988 --> 00:04:23,588 My blood sugar is all out of whack. 96 00:04:23,590 --> 00:04:24,790 Hey! Trinity! 97 00:04:24,792 --> 00:04:26,091 Trin, it's starting to feel 98 00:04:26,093 --> 00:04:28,360 like you're the ringleader here, right? 99 00:04:28,362 --> 00:04:30,529 Like, you've infected this room with your sadness. 100 00:04:30,554 --> 00:04:33,165 Like, it's a pandemic, and you're patient zero. 101 00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:35,667 Do the right thing and turn your ass around. 102 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,148 Okay. 103 00:04:41,976 --> 00:04:43,909 Let's talk zippers. 104 00:04:43,911 --> 00:04:46,946 Subtract the number of victims who aren't white, 105 00:04:46,948 --> 00:04:49,068 add the number of victims who are, 106 00:04:49,093 --> 00:04:51,937 carry the seven equals... 107 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,091 We have a Category 5 tragedy on our hands. 108 00:04:58,116 --> 00:04:59,991 - Yes! - All across the nation, 109 00:04:59,993 --> 00:05:02,126 people are sad, and people are scared, 110 00:05:02,128 --> 00:05:03,694 and they are tuning into this tragedy 111 00:05:03,696 --> 00:05:06,197 like it's the reboot of their favorite situation comedy. 112 00:05:06,199 --> 00:05:07,698 Now, we've been the third-rated 113 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,779 cable news network for far too long. 114 00:05:09,804 --> 00:05:12,971 What we need today is to take BNN to number one. 115 00:05:12,973 --> 00:05:14,734 Karen, what have we got lined up? 116 00:05:14,759 --> 00:05:16,297 Well, for starters, we're going to have 117 00:05:16,322 --> 00:05:19,143 an up-to-date victim counter on screen at all times 118 00:05:19,145 --> 00:05:21,946 - and also a countdown clock. - What's it counting down to? 119 00:05:21,948 --> 00:05:23,414 - Nothing. - Perfect. 120 00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:25,682 And let's add a count-up clock, as well. 121 00:05:25,684 --> 00:05:27,084 Oh, I love that. 122 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:31,421 Cronker... 123 00:05:32,103 --> 00:05:34,913 Do you really need to be here right now? 124 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,990 Now people are going to want to donate to the victims, 125 00:05:44,015 --> 00:05:46,736 so let's make sure they know that the best place to donate 126 00:05:46,738 --> 00:05:49,039 is the DeVille Foundation for Victims. 127 00:05:49,041 --> 00:05:51,508 Kate, find me some dirt on competing charities, 128 00:05:51,510 --> 00:05:53,397 - and make sure the Internet knows. - On it. 129 00:05:53,422 --> 00:05:55,578 Also, I am setting up an interview 130 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:56,880 with a conspiracy theorist 131 00:05:56,882 --> 00:05:58,629 who claims the tragedy never happened. 132 00:05:58,654 --> 00:06:00,049 Smart. 133 00:06:00,051 --> 00:06:02,051 People need someone to be mad at today. 134 00:06:02,053 --> 00:06:04,459 Jake, your cynicism is not what we need today. 135 00:06:04,484 --> 00:06:06,655 What we need is to dismantle the status quo 136 00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,157 - by tweeting at our senators. - Yes. 137 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,758 You know what? You guys are right. 138 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,193 Just kidding. You're wrong. 139 00:06:11,195 --> 00:06:13,113 God. He's been acting like this all day. 140 00:06:13,138 --> 00:06:14,196 68! 141 00:06:14,198 --> 00:06:16,065 BNN can now confirm 142 00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:19,201 that 68 people have lost their lives 143 00:06:19,203 --> 00:06:21,565 - in today's tragedy. - This is absurd. 144 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,871 None of you guys are even talking 145 00:06:22,873 --> 00:06:24,640 about the earthquake that killed 500 people 146 00:06:24,642 --> 00:06:25,974 in Pakistan yesterday. 147 00:06:25,976 --> 00:06:28,010 Oh, my God. I didn't know about Pakistan. 148 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,145 I'm gonna post about it right now. 149 00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:30,479 - Yep. - Yeah, me too. 150 00:06:30,481 --> 00:06:32,280 You're all just tragedy bandwagoners. 151 00:06:32,282 --> 00:06:34,434 - I'm a loyal, dedicated fan. - 69. 152 00:06:34,459 --> 00:06:35,883 There is a lot of pain in this world, 153 00:06:35,885 --> 00:06:37,218 and I'm aware of all of it. 154 00:06:37,220 --> 00:06:38,886 I know all the underground tragedies. 155 00:06:38,888 --> 00:06:40,955 I know the rarities. I know the B-sides. 156 00:06:40,957 --> 00:06:42,490 This is the Ed Sheeran of tragedies, 157 00:06:42,492 --> 00:06:44,292 and you all have pedestrian taste. 158 00:06:44,294 --> 00:06:45,527 - Okay, posted. - Posted. 159 00:06:45,529 --> 00:06:46,627 I just liked both your posts. 160 00:06:46,629 --> 00:06:47,929 - So insightful. - Thanks. 161 00:06:47,931 --> 00:06:49,897 Guys, there was no earthquake in Pakistan. 162 00:06:49,899 --> 00:06:50,932 - Jake! - God... 163 00:06:50,934 --> 00:06:52,400 70! 164 00:06:52,402 --> 00:06:54,820 Oh, my God. It's Paige. 165 00:06:57,054 --> 00:06:58,806 Wait. Why are we clapping? 166 00:06:58,831 --> 00:07:00,054 Didn't you read Paige's post? 167 00:07:00,079 --> 00:07:01,187 No. 168 00:07:01,695 --> 00:07:03,929 Read Paige's post. 169 00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:11,118 "We have to fight fire with peace fire." 170 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,153 Wait. This is my post. 171 00:07:13,155 --> 00:07:15,055 But she didn't credit me. 172 00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:17,672 This already has 3,700 likes? 173 00:07:18,527 --> 00:07:20,288 Wait, my mom liked this! 174 00:07:20,313 --> 00:07:22,662 Really, today is not about me. 175 00:07:22,664 --> 00:07:25,288 Hey, Paige. I saw your post. 176 00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,666 - Aw, thank you, Matt. - Well... 177 00:07:26,668 --> 00:07:29,414 Paige, you make me so proud to be on social media. 178 00:07:29,564 --> 00:07:30,936 Aww. I know. 179 00:07:35,328 --> 00:07:36,829 - Hey, Paige. - Hmm? 180 00:07:36,854 --> 00:07:39,244 Hey, um... this might seem silly, 181 00:07:39,276 --> 00:07:41,673 and I know this isn't what we need 182 00:07:41,698 --> 00:07:42,998 on today of all days, 183 00:07:43,023 --> 00:07:45,503 but you kind of took my post 184 00:07:45,505 --> 00:07:47,439 and didn't give me credit. 185 00:07:47,464 --> 00:07:49,340 Oh, I'm sorry. 186 00:07:49,342 --> 00:07:51,108 It's really resonating with people though. 187 00:07:51,110 --> 00:07:52,910 You must be jazzed. Congrats. 188 00:07:52,912 --> 00:07:54,512 - Oh, thanks. - You're welcome. 189 00:07:54,514 --> 00:07:55,913 But I was just thinking 190 00:07:55,915 --> 00:07:57,953 that maybe you could edit the post 191 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,461 to clarify that it's mine. 192 00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:04,054 Don't you think reposting just to say, "Hey, guys. 193 00:08:04,056 --> 00:08:06,691 Matt wants everyone to know he wrote this," 194 00:08:06,693 --> 00:08:09,026 distracts from the real conversation? 195 00:08:09,028 --> 00:08:10,528 Oh, I-I-I would never want to distract 196 00:08:10,530 --> 00:08:11,929 - from the real conversation. - Good. 197 00:08:11,931 --> 00:08:14,231 I would maybe just want to add to the real conversation 198 00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:18,068 that I was the one who sort of started the conversation. 199 00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:19,203 You know, maybe you wrote the post, 200 00:08:19,205 --> 00:08:21,238 but you clearly didn't read it 201 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,311 'cause you're making today about yourself, Matt. 202 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,741 You stole my post. 203 00:08:24,743 --> 00:08:26,467 You're a straight-up post thief! 204 00:08:26,492 --> 00:08:28,612 I do not steal. I curate. 205 00:08:28,614 --> 00:08:31,524 And in times of tragedy, people turn to curators like me. 206 00:08:31,549 --> 00:08:32,774 You don't even care about the victims. 207 00:08:32,799 --> 00:08:34,024 You're just doing this for attention. 208 00:08:34,049 --> 00:08:35,552 You know what? It's millennials... 209 00:08:35,554 --> 00:08:37,688 I can see that you're really hurting right now, Matt, 210 00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:39,956 and I want you to know that I understand. 211 00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:41,325 It's okay to cry, Matt. 212 00:08:41,327 --> 00:08:43,794 Hey, guys, I'm just gonna to hop in here. 213 00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:46,330 Ooh! By the way, Paige, incredible post. 214 00:08:46,332 --> 00:08:48,233 I loved it, liked it, faved it, shared it. 215 00:08:48,258 --> 00:08:50,156 Thank you so much, John. 216 00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:53,225 Why is their victim counter higher than ours? 217 00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:56,015 We should always have the highest victim counter! 218 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,306 Damn it! We've been given a golden opportunity, 219 00:08:58,331 --> 00:08:59,883 and we're blowing it. 220 00:09:00,311 --> 00:09:03,109 What do other networks do when they're desperate for ratings? 221 00:09:04,749 --> 00:09:06,586 Celebrity guest star? 222 00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:11,821 But your donations can make a difference, 223 00:09:11,823 --> 00:09:13,555 and the best place to donate 224 00:09:13,579 --> 00:09:15,291 is the DeVille Foundation. 225 00:09:15,292 --> 00:09:17,626 - On a day like today, it is easy... - Richter here. 226 00:09:17,628 --> 00:09:20,396 No. I haven't talked to or seen anyone today. 227 00:09:32,976 --> 00:09:34,976 Shocking news as BNN has 228 00:09:34,978 --> 00:09:37,068 just received an unconfirmed report 229 00:09:37,093 --> 00:09:40,975 that celebrity Andy Richter may be among today's victims. 230 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,929 - No. - What? 231 00:09:43,854 --> 00:09:45,812 I'm sorry. I need a moment. 232 00:09:46,022 --> 00:09:47,442 - Oh! - Hug me. 233 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,591 I'm just gonna get in on this. 234 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,934 What the hell are you doing? 235 00:10:00,153 --> 00:10:02,119 Just making a snack. 236 00:10:02,781 --> 00:10:04,038 Stop it. 237 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,832 Something might have happened to a celebrity. 238 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,208 It's my birthday. 239 00:10:08,210 --> 00:10:10,058 Did you ever think about how it might be 240 00:10:10,083 --> 00:10:13,483 a little problematic for you to have your birthday on today? 241 00:10:18,287 --> 00:10:19,853 - Don't you dare light that. - Grace... 242 00:10:19,855 --> 00:10:21,063 - Grace, don't light that. - Grace. 243 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,821 Grace! Don't you light that! 244 00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:30,631 I brought those sprinkles from home! 245 00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,983 Well, I'm so flattered you guys thought of me. 246 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,468 Before we get down to brass tacks, 247 00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:35,602 let me just say that 248 00:10:35,604 --> 00:10:37,373 "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" 249 00:10:37,398 --> 00:10:39,940 is a criminally under-appreciated classic. 250 00:10:39,942 --> 00:10:41,707 You're right about that. 251 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,877 Andy is super jazzed, and the timing couldn't be better. 252 00:10:44,902 --> 00:10:47,013 We were looking for an out-of-the-box way 253 00:10:47,015 --> 00:10:49,249 to promote his directorial debut next month. 254 00:10:49,251 --> 00:10:52,118 It's called "The Infinity Conundrum." 255 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,187 All the characters are robots, 256 00:10:54,189 --> 00:10:56,923 but at its heart, it's really a small story 257 00:10:56,925 --> 00:10:58,658 about a genie. 258 00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:00,026 Hmm. 259 00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:03,163 Well, that sounds absolutely fascinating. 260 00:11:03,165 --> 00:11:04,505 So let's get into the details of what we're... 261 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:07,319 I am super jazzed that we got Richter. 262 00:11:07,349 --> 00:11:08,490 Well, I'm jazzed, as well. 263 00:11:08,531 --> 00:11:10,170 I mean, at first, I was disappointed 264 00:11:10,172 --> 00:11:11,771 Channing Tatum fell through, but Richter has 265 00:11:11,773 --> 00:11:13,340 - a real boy-next-door quality. - Oh, yeah. 266 00:11:13,342 --> 00:11:15,407 I am a little nervous, though. 267 00:11:15,409 --> 00:11:19,644 I mean, we could get in a lot of trouble if this got out. 268 00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:20,912 Well... 269 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,623 I won't testify against you 270 00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:24,162 if you don't testify against me. 271 00:11:24,187 --> 00:11:25,550 Well, then you should marry me, 272 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:28,336 and then we can't testify against each other. 273 00:11:29,249 --> 00:11:30,734 Good one. 274 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:34,159 When we reveal that Andy survived the tragedy, 275 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,028 we were thinking it would be really great 276 00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:37,762 if he could wear a T-shirt from the movie. 277 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,953 Yeah, or a hat. 278 00:11:38,978 --> 00:11:40,850 He can wear whatever he wants 279 00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:42,301 as long as it's covered in blood. 280 00:11:42,303 --> 00:11:44,903 Hi, Andy? Karen James here. 281 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,959 You know, I've always said "Andy Barker, P.I." 282 00:11:46,984 --> 00:11:49,240 being taken off the air before it found its audience 283 00:11:49,265 --> 00:11:51,510 was an absolute tragedy. 284 00:11:51,512 --> 00:11:53,078 I like you, Karen. 285 00:11:54,023 --> 00:11:55,983 So, I just shared you on the fleece spreadsheet. 286 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,316 How many of each size do you think we should get? 287 00:11:58,318 --> 00:11:59,985 I honestly would have preferred brushed. 288 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,219 I should have spoken up. 289 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:05,061 Now Paige has 12,000 likes on my post. 290 00:12:05,086 --> 00:12:06,193 Can you at least now admit that 291 00:12:06,218 --> 00:12:07,490 you don't care about the victims at all? 292 00:12:07,515 --> 00:12:09,427 Oh, I care about those fucking victims, 293 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,396 and I'm gonna prove it. 294 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,565 So you're going to leave all our work to me? 295 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:14,750 Great. 296 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,902 77! 297 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,648 Attention, everyone. 298 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,512 I'm collecting donations for the Scarlet Cross 299 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:28,979 on behalf of the victims. 300 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,549 On days like today, 301 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,919 posting on social media isn't enough. 302 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:39,457 What we need is cold hard cash. 303 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,126 I just got back from the ATM, 304 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,529 where I withdrew the maximum amount 305 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,630 of $300 306 00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:48,566 plus a $3.50 service fee. 307 00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:49,812 So... 308 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,140 yeah. 309 00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,703 Good job. 310 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:21,609 80 dead. 311 00:13:21,711 --> 00:13:24,645 Hey, Paige, I don't know if you heard, 312 00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:27,615 but I'm collecting donations for the victims. 313 00:13:27,617 --> 00:13:28,859 Care to chip in? 314 00:13:29,117 --> 00:13:29,936 No. 315 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,490 Wow. 316 00:13:31,492 --> 00:13:33,772 That's interesting because I kind of 317 00:13:33,797 --> 00:13:35,318 thought you cared, Paige, 318 00:13:35,343 --> 00:13:39,198 but now you don't want to donate to the Scarlet Cross? 319 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,933 I guess you haven't checked the Internet today. 320 00:13:41,935 --> 00:13:44,295 - Hey. - 81! 321 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,812 BNN has been breaking all of these stories 322 00:13:46,837 --> 00:13:49,374 about how problematic the Scarlet Cross is 323 00:13:49,376 --> 00:13:51,459 and how they're cutting out the hearts 324 00:13:51,484 --> 00:13:54,880 of poor Jamaican people or something. 325 00:13:54,882 --> 00:13:56,639 Pretty sure that's not true. 326 00:13:56,664 --> 00:13:58,383 Well, I posted it, so it's true now. 327 00:13:58,385 --> 00:13:59,384 - 82! - Hey. 328 00:13:59,386 --> 00:14:00,786 Oh, and it looks like a lot of people 329 00:14:00,788 --> 00:14:01,953 have liked my post. 330 00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:03,321 Hey. Hold on. Hold on a second. 331 00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:05,190 You can't just have your money back, okay? 332 00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:06,958 This belongs to the victims now. 333 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,360 It's kind of ironic that you're collecting donations 334 00:14:09,362 --> 00:14:10,495 in a trash can because 335 00:14:10,497 --> 00:14:12,600 giving your money to the Scarlet Cross 336 00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:14,800 is just like throwing it in the trash. 337 00:14:14,802 --> 00:14:16,101 84! 338 00:14:16,103 --> 00:14:18,070 Well, now hold on. Oh, my God. 339 00:14:18,072 --> 00:14:19,536 Look at yourselves, 340 00:14:19,538 --> 00:14:21,072 down there fighting for money on the ground 341 00:14:21,074 --> 00:14:22,506 while people out there... 342 00:14:22,508 --> 00:14:24,929 Okay, now, wait a second! $300 of that is mine. 343 00:14:24,954 --> 00:14:26,429 85! 344 00:14:27,947 --> 00:14:29,639 Kate, do we have all the NDAs? 345 00:14:29,664 --> 00:14:31,415 We have a couple of stragglers, but I'm working on it. 346 00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:32,549 Well, get them. 347 00:14:32,551 --> 00:14:34,108 One whistle-blower, 348 00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,186 and the FCC will have their hands 349 00:14:35,188 --> 00:14:37,654 so far up our asses, we'll have fingers for tongues. 350 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,091 Did you get Richter? 351 00:14:40,093 --> 00:14:41,734 Let me talk to him. 352 00:14:43,066 --> 00:14:44,709 Hey. How's it going? 353 00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:46,430 Hiya, Chris. Listen, I got a question. 354 00:14:46,432 --> 00:14:48,850 Would it be okay if I did some improv? 355 00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:52,029 You know, I'm sort of one of the better members of my team. 356 00:14:52,054 --> 00:14:54,561 Okay. Well... you're the talent here, Andy. 357 00:14:54,586 --> 00:14:56,039 I have total faith in you. 358 00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:58,542 Awesome. Thanks, Chris. Bye. 359 00:14:58,544 --> 00:15:00,755 Jesus Christ. Richter is going to blow it. 360 00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,606 I knew we should have pushed harder for Tatum! 361 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,891 Hey, Christian, relax. This is the news. 362 00:15:05,916 --> 00:15:07,817 We do it every day, 363 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:10,721 but there is one important thing that you've forgot. 364 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:11,664 What? 365 00:15:12,736 --> 00:15:13,867 Have fun. 366 00:15:17,386 --> 00:15:19,486 91 dead. 367 00:15:21,066 --> 00:15:22,766 Happy birthday, Grace. 368 00:15:22,768 --> 00:15:24,100 Nobody's doing any work today, 369 00:15:24,102 --> 00:15:25,750 so I went out and got the cake you wanted 370 00:15:25,775 --> 00:15:28,104 because I'm secretly a great friend. 371 00:15:28,664 --> 00:15:31,141 Oh, yeah. 372 00:15:31,143 --> 00:15:33,409 That baker was pretty fucked up by the tragedy. 373 00:15:33,695 --> 00:15:37,413 That's really sweet, but no thanks. 374 00:15:37,415 --> 00:15:39,936 All I wanted for my birthday was a slice of cake, 375 00:15:39,961 --> 00:15:43,275 but now everyone thinks I'm a horrible, selfish person. 376 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:44,733 Oh, please. 377 00:15:44,758 --> 00:15:46,890 Everyone is a horrible, selfish person. 378 00:15:46,892 --> 00:15:48,557 It's just that today, people feel helpless, 379 00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:51,027 and they're trying to make themselves feel better, 380 00:15:51,029 --> 00:15:52,528 even though everything they're doing is 381 00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:53,763 misguided and futile 382 00:15:53,765 --> 00:15:55,031 and might even hurt other people, 383 00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:57,000 like voting in a presidential election. 384 00:15:57,437 --> 00:15:59,693 Hey, guys. I just had another selfless idea. 385 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,617 I'm going to organize a blood drive. 386 00:16:01,642 --> 00:16:03,359 Like Paige's blood drive? 387 00:16:03,708 --> 00:16:05,174 How?! 388 00:16:05,176 --> 00:16:07,075 Matt, you're genuinely a bad person. 389 00:16:07,077 --> 00:16:08,929 No, I'm not! I'm good! 390 00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:11,814 Out of the way. Universal donor coming through. 391 00:16:11,816 --> 00:16:13,023 Excuse me! 392 00:16:14,828 --> 00:16:15,951 Did you donate yet? 393 00:16:15,953 --> 00:16:18,654 Oh, I can't. I have an iron deficiency. 394 00:16:18,656 --> 00:16:20,115 Of course you aren't donating blood. 395 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:21,993 You're just curating everyone else's. 396 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:23,258 How convenient. 397 00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,528 Guess I'll have to donate enough for the both of us. 398 00:16:26,046 --> 00:16:29,195 Hi! I'd like to donate a shit-ton of blood. 399 00:16:31,804 --> 00:16:34,828 Well, aren't you a big boy with a big heart. 400 00:16:35,271 --> 00:16:36,436 Damn right. 401 00:16:40,711 --> 00:16:42,070 Wow. 402 00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:45,562 Add this to the pile, huh? 403 00:16:47,031 --> 00:16:50,164 It's so crazy how we all have different types of blood. 404 00:16:51,086 --> 00:16:53,321 - You're funny. - Yeah. 405 00:16:53,323 --> 00:16:55,957 I'm kind of known of the office class clown. 406 00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:57,959 Yeah, I bet you are. 407 00:16:57,961 --> 00:16:59,680 You're handsome, too. 408 00:16:59,705 --> 00:17:01,896 I got a haircut last month. 409 00:17:01,898 --> 00:17:03,732 Wow. 410 00:17:04,422 --> 00:17:05,608 You know... 411 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,375 I'm not just collecting blood for the victims. 412 00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:11,758 We're also collecting kisses. 413 00:17:12,307 --> 00:17:14,975 Would you like to donate a kiss, big boy? 414 00:17:14,977 --> 00:17:16,176 Of course. 415 00:17:16,178 --> 00:17:18,379 I'd do anything for the victims. 416 00:17:18,453 --> 00:17:20,789 Well, then kiss me, you hunk. 417 00:17:25,988 --> 00:17:29,961 Sadly, still no word on the whereabouts of Daytime 418 00:17:29,986 --> 00:17:33,068 Emmy-Award nominee Andy Richter. 419 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,278 America may soon have to accept 420 00:17:35,303 --> 00:17:38,559 that his life has been tragically cut short, 421 00:17:38,598 --> 00:17:42,609 much like the multiple network sitcoms that bore his name. 422 00:17:43,179 --> 00:17:45,109 We have breaking news. 423 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,600 BNN has just received word that Andy Richter 424 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,593 has survived the tragedy. 425 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:55,652 He's live on the scene, and we've got the exclusive. 426 00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:59,362 Andy, first off, on behalf of all of us at BNN, 427 00:17:59,409 --> 00:18:02,279 I would like to welcome you back from the dead. 428 00:18:02,308 --> 00:18:03,708 It must have been harrowing. 429 00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:06,844 Yes, and I am grateful to be alive, Karen. 430 00:18:06,846 --> 00:18:10,581 I had to survive on rainwater and the tears of the fallen. 431 00:18:10,583 --> 00:18:13,150 Incredible. You must have been so thirsty. 432 00:18:13,152 --> 00:18:14,784 What else can you tell us? 433 00:18:14,786 --> 00:18:17,697 In the darkest moments, I found myself contemplating 434 00:18:17,752 --> 00:18:20,398 mortality, selflessness 435 00:18:20,423 --> 00:18:23,328 and the fact that love conquers all, 436 00:18:23,529 --> 00:18:26,006 which coincidentally are all themes 437 00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:27,664 in "The Infinity Conundrum." 438 00:18:27,666 --> 00:18:30,167 That is the movie you have coming out 439 00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:31,834 in theaters nationwide next month? 440 00:18:31,859 --> 00:18:34,771 And it's also simultaneously streaming on demand. 441 00:18:34,773 --> 00:18:38,054 Andy Richter, alive and well, 442 00:18:38,079 --> 00:18:40,734 controlling the universe once again. 443 00:18:43,961 --> 00:18:45,242 Christian... 444 00:18:46,018 --> 00:18:47,711 we just got the ratings. 445 00:18:48,754 --> 00:18:49,806 We're number one! 446 00:18:49,807 --> 00:18:51,054 Yes! 447 00:18:55,976 --> 00:18:57,672 I gave blood! 448 00:18:58,812 --> 00:19:00,429 They said I gave the most blood. 449 00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,372 He donated too much blood. 450 00:19:04,695 --> 00:19:06,653 We have to get his blood sugar up. 451 00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:08,672 Come on. 452 00:19:08,674 --> 00:19:13,983 ? Everybody knows where the angel lives ? 453 00:19:15,513 --> 00:19:19,890 ? Everybody knows where the angel flies ? 454 00:19:22,253 --> 00:19:25,245 ? Everybody sees her face ? 455 00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:28,324 ? Brushing up against their windowpanes ? 456 00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:29,424 _ 457 00:19:29,449 --> 00:19:31,060 Come on, get the fruity. Get the fruit part in. 458 00:19:31,062 --> 00:19:32,695 What the fuck are you guys doing? 459 00:19:32,697 --> 00:19:34,818 We're trying to get his blood sugar back up. 460 00:19:34,843 --> 00:19:36,399 He's choking on the cake! 461 00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:37,466 Oh! 462 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,801 - Yeah. - Damn it! 463 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,045 ? Everybody knows how the courageous ? 464 00:19:42,092 --> 00:19:43,842 ? Oh ? 465 00:19:45,115 --> 00:19:50,504 ? If you can feel it in the birthplace of your heart ? 466 00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:55,260 ? Everybody knows inspiration ? 467 00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:58,953 ? Even in the wake of devastation ? 468 00:19:58,955 --> 00:20:02,023 - Bad cake. - Oh, my God. Grace, you killed him. 469 00:20:02,025 --> 00:20:04,099 Get it out! Come on get it out. Get it out. Spit it out. 470 00:20:05,610 --> 00:20:08,273 ? I've been waiting my whole life ? 471 00:20:08,298 --> 00:20:10,769 ? Just to walk with you ? 472 00:20:12,369 --> 00:20:16,904 ? And I've been waiting my whole life to hear your voice ? 473 00:20:16,906 --> 00:20:20,375 ? And I know it's gonna be my choice ? 474 00:20:20,377 --> 00:20:24,678 ? It will happen to me, of course ? 475 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,681 ? I will be ready ? 476 00:20:31,451 --> 00:20:37,240 ? I will be ready ? 477 00:20:48,363 --> 00:20:49,816 100! 478 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,642 credits 479 00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:02,839 Here is a little slice of hope on an otherwise dark day. 480 00:21:02,878 --> 00:21:05,780 - Come on, buddy. - A group of Hampton DeVille employees 481 00:21:05,805 --> 00:21:07,847 came together to save a big boy 482 00:21:07,872 --> 00:21:08,904 with a big heart 483 00:21:08,929 --> 00:21:10,506 who passed out after donating 484 00:21:10,531 --> 00:21:12,508 too much blood to the victims. 485 00:21:12,533 --> 00:21:14,531 Oh, my God. We're heroes.