- Tonight. - Incoming stories from planet Earth.
In uncertain times, more Americans
are hiding their valuables iin the body cavities of dead birds.
Now that the Earth has eaten a few houses, scientists are worried
it's developed a taste for human architecture.
The celebrity nip slip.
Accidental exposure of a milk duct on a famous mammary gland.
Yet, if this is so embarrassing,
why did human actor Hugh Jackman do it twice?
I'm Drexx Drudlarr.
The truth has its tongue down my ear.
I'm Tuva Van Void. I'm programmed
with next-generation deception technology,
but I promise never to use it. Wink.
Live from galactic syndicate studio ship "Integritus."
Equipped with the Hyper- Cosmo-Videomulator 9000,
constantly receiving a totally random assortment
of footage from across the universe.
It's the only press-worthy source for news
on the strangest aliens in the galaxy... the humans of planet Earth.
This is "Alien News Desk."
Greetings, galactic news hounds,
and welcome to our inaugural broadcast
above the semi-functional rock known as Earth.
From here, we can closely monitor
the universe's most mystifying sentient species, humans.
From their bizarre customs...
To their bewildering culture...
To the confounding, tentacle-scratching dung heap they call politics.
It won't be easy, but I'm a journaloid.
I say let's rip the lid off these perplexing,
pseudo-intelligent, mostly shaved apes.
Let's start with the basics. What, you ask, is a human?
A human is a carbon-based mammalian tetrapod
that grows to a maximum height of 7.8 quarnots,
and a maximum weight,
which could not be established at press time.
It's improbably high. Let's just say that.
Humans maintain tribal alliances and antagonisms that are complex
and little-understood.
Complex also describes their flavor, with a medium firm flesh,
oily and rich when stewed, but its musky qualities...
Drexx, are you giving out cooking tips? Did you eat a human?
A human? No, Tuva.
I ate several hundred humans, prepared in a variety of ways.
- That is not our assignment. - I beg your pardon?
We were supposed to hover near Earth
and sample a wide variety of humanity.
And I did. I had the French-fried,
Mongolians barbecued, and some Swedes meatballs.
Drexx, we are supposed to learn from the humans.
- Well, that's ridiculous. - I know.
Come on, what are we supposed to learn from these space monkeys?
How to get sick of masturbating?
No, no, no. I know.
'Cause from my brief observation, seems like 80% of their lives
is spent in joyless masturbation.
Drexx, if you don't want this job, you didn't have to take it.
No, I literally did.
I'm extremely difficult to work with and I've pretty much run
myself out of the business with my explosive temper.
Oh, I'm sorry, Drexx. That's a tough spot to be in.
Hey, what's that supposed to mean, you mechanical fuck face?
You think you're better than me?
Okay, and my sensors are indicating
we've fulfilled our banter requirement.
Let's move onto tonight's superior stories.
They are delicious, though. I'm afraid I've acquired a taste.
Just read the next thing.
For our new viewers, let me address the giant elephlark in the room.
Why are we so focused on this Earth?
After all, this galaxy has thousands of inhabited planets,
so why does this one backwater outpost
have our thought glands sopping wet with curiosity?
The answer? Its dominant species, "humans,"
who are on track to set a new record
for fastest self-destruction by a sentient race.
- Which means Earth will soon - be on the market.
But is it a good investment?
We'll take you inside this would-be conqueror's paradise
in our segment... "Invade It or Avoid It."
? Invade it ?
? Or avoid it ?
? Invade it ?
? Or avoid it ?
Earth is a quaint, spheroid-style planet
located in the rapidly- gentrifying Milky Way district.
Whether you like it hot... Cold...
Or devoid of any notable characteristics whatsoever...
Earth has plenty of variety.
Thanks to frequent rotations and plenty of natural sunlight,
this planet doesn't look a day over 4.5 billion.
Full disclosure: Earth once had a bit of pest problem,
but after some routine fumigation,
it's been looking pretty clear for the past 65 million years,
except for this one lake in Scotland.
For eons, Earth was sadly stuck in grayscale, but late in the last
century, humans finally transitioned to dazzling color.
We believe this was achieved
when multi-chromatic pellets were distributed,
giving all humans the ability to experience the rainbow's taste.
In recent times, humans have taken it upon themselves to renovate.
They've been freshening up the air,
making their rainforests more open-concept,
and even sprucing up the place with a sleek, black paint job.
A decent attempt at a last-minute flip, but will it be enough?
What do you say, Drexx? Invade it, or avoid it?
Tuva, I think Earth is a perfect starter planet
for all your sub-celestial occupation needs, I say, "Invade It"!
Agreed. This planet is only going to skyrocket in value,
which means investing in Earth will have
your Xilurian fleshcoins screaming in thanks.
I also say, "Invade It"!
- We're both agreed. - Happy pillaging, everyone.
- Next time on - "Invade It or Avoid It,"
this thick gassy freak.
Later in our broadcast,
we'll check in with Hollywood star Dwayne Johnson
on his latest career move: becoming uglier.
Salt production is on the rise,
thanks to the human tear induction therapy known as "This Is Us."
In other news, humans apparently think we look like shit.
More on that as it develops.
In Earth sector Hollywood, some 150 lucky humans
were selected for a coveted arrogance enhancement totem.
It was a glitzy ceremony,
attended by some of the most arrogant beings in the galaxy.
The totems have different names,
but they all boil down to Most In Need of Self-Esteem.
Supplicants arrived in resplendent clothing, we presume to hide
- their fundamental lack - of character.
The fiendish spectacle began
with a gathering on a blood-red drop cloth.
Participants were asked, "Who are you wearing?"
indicating that they had murdered their
compatriots and donned their hides.
- They then shamelessly named - their innocent victims.
- Who are you wearing - this evening?
- Vivienne Westwood. - Vivienne Westwood.
Later, the audience cheered as the chosen received their totems
and were instantly transformed into shrieking narcissists.
They spoke at length on topics of dubious interest
inside a literal echo chamber, flattering their like-minded audience,
who unanimously agreed that the work they do
is, quote, "More important now than ever."
The totem itself is shaped like an arrogant nude
who seems to have, as the humans say,
"big dick energy," despite being notably dick-less.
It's made of a material that reacts with the human brain
to increase feelings of self-importance.
The totem often goes to those who subject themselves
to extreme weight fluctuation and common ugliness,
abetted by makeup simulating the lack of makeup,
but just as often, it goes to the Holocaust movie.
Later on "Alien News Desk," we'll show you how to harvest
crystal methamphetamine from your automobile's viewing glass.
Welcome back. To their own detriment, humans are a curious species.
For more, it's time for this week's Innovation Report.
For years, vain humans have injected Botox poison
into their skin to improve their complexion.
This monumental achievement has now inspired a similar procedure
for the Earth's skin: the ground.
It's called fracking.
In fracking, a massive syringe is used to inject poison into the Earth
in order to bring precious oils to the surface,
and just as Botox yields smooth, paralyzed muscles
and tissue necrosis, fracking promotes
regenerative earthquakes and stimulating tap water fires
due to its innovative method of destroying the land beneath towns.
If you hear your windows shattering,
that means it's working.
Like Botox, fracking smooths out the surface of the land
by removing signs of aging, such as family farms
and post-industrial waterfronts.
This solves a nagging problem for Usa.
Its cities are rarely bombed,
so its citizens don't get the satisfaction
of rebuilding civilization from scratch.
Fracking provides rubble-clearing and grave-digging opportunities
normally enjoyed by non-Americans, like Puerto Ricans.
Congratulations, Earth. Thanks to fracking, you look
4.5 billion years young.
In other news, new aggression in the ongoing war against the sky.
And then a hilarious switcheroo.
A fish is extracted from water and placed on land.
- Tally-ho, governor! - Pip, pip, cheerio!
Spot of tea, inn't it?
These are the inane utterings of a brainwashed people:
brainwashed by a coterie of sorcerers known as the royal family.
A new study claims that these sorcerers have tricked their country,
known as Uk, into an annual allowance of 500 million pounds.
Their current leader is this wretched warlock, Queen Elizabeth I-I,
seen here with her legion of hellhounds.
She is believed to be somewhere between 90 and 90,000 years old.
The secret to her longevity?
She appears to have split her soul into thousands of pieces
and deposited them in wallets throughout the Commonwealth,
rendering her unkillable.
For centuries, the people of Uk have lived under the
pale, mottled thumb of Queen I-I and her inbred progenitors.
They used their fearsome talismans to conquer the world,
colonizing entire peoples and forcing them
to play games for their amusement, such as incorrect football
and wrong golf.
But they soon found themselves helpless to stem the tide of democracy.
If they were to maintain power, a new plan would be needed,
so the royal family retreated to their giant palace
to think of ways to be relatable and relevant.
And at last, they found a way to give back to the community.
They started an outreach program, finding humans
with highly malignant brain tumors
and offering them employment as palace guards.
But is this enough to justify the massive public expense?
Recent polls have shown disapproval of the royal family
to be at an all-time high,
but much like a cancerous growth upon the skull of a
mutated sentinel, this family can never truly be removed.
Move over, video games. More Earth children
are spending their leisure time sewing clothes all day long.
And it's music festival season again,
where humans gather for remedial clapping practice.
How do humans survive in a city encased in noxious mist?
Easy: by paying exorbitant prices.
- We turn now - to our semi-irregular look
at the feeble graspings of younger human minds.
It's time for another edition of Eye on Education.
Enforced silence, mandatory quad sitting, compulsory merrymaking:
these are hallmarks of the four-year prisons known as universities.
Children as young as 18
are stripped from their parents and locked into camps,
where they spend their days attending brainwashing seminars
and nightsreceiving beer torture.
This begs the question:
is there no alternative to this form of penance?
Thankfully, just as children on planet Blarx
can choose death over the mines,
there's another option for Earth learners:
universities designated as online.
Rather than travel thousands of miles,
humans can complete their university sentence
at home, in a highly-desired educational uniform called the pajama.
To simulate the effects of in-person torture,
online students can complete their forced labor
beneath a thick fog of feline dander.
To qualify, students must be a single mother,
or be capable of producing
a feel-good story about overcoming the odds at all costs.
Once entry has been acquired, they can take their exams online.
From the outside, it appears
to be a perfect system of digital torture, but
according to research, this comes at a price.
Firstly, humans who attend school online
are not able to undergo a crucial networking ritual
known as fraternity hazing.
In addition, they do not gain the 15 pounds of fresh man's fat
necessary to store their memories in, nor can they use that fat
to seduce and then fornicate with their professors for extra credit.
Yes, online universities are no match for real college,
where you mortgage your future to live in some crumbling Gothic
atrocity in western Massachusetts and soak it in your barf.
Well, sign me up.
After this commercial stasis, more Earthlings are carrying around
cardboard boxes full of raw vegetation
and eating them alone in tiny, ceiling-less rooms.
We'll explain why this is considered healthy
and not evidence of mental illness.
- Welcome back. - According to our calculations,
- humans recently - completed construction
on the 44,000th iteration
of an unusual building known as an airport.
At buildings like these, record numbers of humans
are queueing up for hours to be barked at by gunmen
while their stuff is rifled through.
Some are stripped and subjected
to humiliating body cavity searches,
while the lucky ones are merely pummeled with radiation
as images of their naked bodies are evaluated by suspicious guards,
and why do they endure all this?
To purchase cigarettes.
Humans simply love smoking,
in which deadly fumes are funneled into the lungs
through a flaming tube,
all for the smooth, toasted flavor of Turkish and domestic tobacco.
Truly, cigarettes are alive with pleasure,
but officials attempting to deter smoking
carefully regulate the number of people
permitted to buy cigarettes in gargantuan quantities.
Insult labels help break down smokers psychologically
to prepare them for the next step
of their demeaning cigarette-buying journey.
They are crowded into tubes
and taunted by strangers in colorful uniforms,
who show them blinking images of cigarettes
but warn they cannot have them, - or they'll be shackled - in prison.
Bizarre videos are shown in which dancing theater majors
forbid them from smoking while instructing them
on how to restrain themselves.
Threatening sensors loom everywhere
and rumors are spread of government assassins,
disguised as regular people, ready to shoot and kill rule-breakers.
We've concluded these flying machines are actually powered
by the sheer teeth-grinding frustration of many addicts at once.
If the energy runs low, the addiction is stoked
with subpar Katherine Heigl movies.
After their tense journey, the smokers are deposited
in another nearly identical cigarette shop,
but their belongings are routed nearly a mile away from them.
It's confusing as hell.
This all costs taxpayers billions a year,
a profligate scheme complete with earmarks
for seemingly-corrupt businesses such as Auntie Anne's,
which despite operating hundreds of locations,
appear to have never sold a single pretzel, nor closed a single shop.
As far as I can tell,
these dystopian cigarette-selling compounds
serve no other purpose except as a sanctuary for morning drinkers.
Now this is gonna sound harsh, but I have to say it:
I think that morning drinkers are worse than terrorists.
You've never been invited to a brunch, and that's why.
Ah, don't say that.
I get invited to brunches all the time,
- and you know it. - No.
Let me go to my d... I'll show you my desk.
I have a d... a drawer just for all the invitations.
Go check out my drawer.
- All right. - Don't get u... don't go in there now.
In other news, we'll take you inside the
fascinating cult devoted to swallowing bugs.
Land ho!
Horny boats can't stay away from these king-sized navigational penises.
In agricultural news, we take you now to footage
of this year's harvest of clown noses.
But could it be the last?
Demand is at a historic low for the proto-cyborgs known as clowns.
We assume these freakish creatures are assembled from Earth's crops,
which are then crossbred with the corpses
of various oafs and buffoons.
Designed to make children afraid of the outside world,
clowns have been largely rendered obsolete
by technologies that bring Earth's horrors
directly to children, free of charge.
Now, clowns have little use to most humans,
except for lusty Italians, who pulp and juice their noses
for their tabletop circulatory systems.
We'll see how much longer
old-fashioned clown crafting can hang on.
A grease-based poultry dish native to southern Usa
and the berobed sorcerer
who commands a vast legion of Earth's faithful.
What do these two things have in common?
Nothing, but try telling the humans that.
They have constructed a vast network of facilities
dedicated to the consumption of a greasy fried bird
and total compliance with the Pope of Vatican City.
Don't believe me? Here's the proof.
Pope-yes. Pope-yes.
Pope Yes!
Listen, the humans can agree
with that elderly witch doctor all they want,
but can they please separate their weird dietary customs from
- Drexx, it's not Pope-yes. - It most certainly is.
It's Popeye's.
Iit's not a house of worship that serves food?
- No, it's - a poultry restaurant named for an imaginary sailor man.
Well, is this fictional seafaring functionary a practicing Cath-ol-ic?
Uh, his religious beliefs are never stated in the literature.
Is he known for a love of consuming chicken boiled in oil?
No, he consumes mainly spinach.
Which this restaurant must feature for purchase.
It does not.
Oh, I get it. This is like the Nine-Eyes fried gracklon chain.
Exactly.
A restaurant named for a sailor
who has nothing to do with the product.
Well, okay. Never mind.
Still need an apostrophe, though, Popeye's.
I'm from outer damn space, and I know that.
We'll be back after these messages.
You know, if you don't have that apostrophe in there,
it reads as "Pope-yes."
Yeah, but you added a space in the actual word.
That, uh... that, uh... no.
For a limited time, the Nine-Eyes fried tentacle platter
comes with a free volume of liquid coolant
and an extruded plastic amusement for your young.
Get a crispy bucket of these creatures
before it becomes illegal to eat gracklons,
just because they're college-educated.
In Earth sporting news, a bunch of gullible humans
paid good currency to watch fake centaur races.
I mean, come on. Look at that!
You're not even trying, you two!
Hey, top guy, I can see your legs.
But at least the victims of this bizarre fake centaur scam
got to see something in exchange for their currency.
Not so for the poor humans in Earth settlement Las Vegas,
who come from great distances to throw their currency
directly into the waste incinerator.
Vacationers continue to flock to Earth settlement Las Vegas,
a glass-and-concrete hive of facilities called casinos,
where humans pay a relentless series of fines
if they're unable to predict simple chaos theory,
or memorize the sequence of 52 small quadrilaterals.
These casinos are designed for maximum sensory discomfort,
so all the poor humans handing over their wealth must suffer,
from the humans who pay large sum fines
according to the brutal whims of a random number generator
to the poor souls who must numbly feed a toll collection box,
one coin at a time.
Yes, Earth settlement Las Vegas is more evidence
of the incandescently creative cruelty of the human species.
"Incandescent." Fun word to say.
Incandescent. Incandescent.
It is fun.
Okay, that's enough.
That's it for now.
Here's a look at several news fetuses still gestating.
Humans chefs have discovered - a new way - to marinate waterfowl,
and let me tell you, it looks petrole-yummy!
And this is human actress Ashley Olsen, but who is this maniac fan
who got extensive surgery to look exactly like her?
Thousands panic as Earth ejaculates all over itself.
I'm Tuva Van Void.
And I'm Drexx Drudlarr.
This broadcast has been terminated.
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