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- Tonight.
- Incoming stories from planet Earth.

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In uncertain times, more Americans

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are hiding their valuables iin
the body cavities of dead birds.

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Now that the Earth has eaten a few
houses, scientists are worried

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it's developed a taste
for human architecture.

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The celebrity nip slip.

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Accidental exposure of a milk
duct on a famous mammary gland.

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Yet, if this is so embarrassing,

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why did human actor Hugh
Jackman do it twice?

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I'm Drexx Drudlarr.

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The truth has its tongue
down my ear.

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I'm Tuva Van Void.
I'm programmed

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with next-generation
deception technology,

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but I promise never to use it. Wink.

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Live from galactic syndicate
studio ship "Integritus."

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Equipped with the Hyper-
Cosmo-Videomulator 9000,

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constantly receiving a
totally random assortment

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of footage from across the universe.

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It's the only press-worthy
source for news

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on the strangest aliens in the galaxy...
the humans of planet Earth.

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This is "Alien News Desk."

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Greetings, galactic news hounds,

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and welcome to our inaugural broadcast

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above the semi-functional rock
known as Earth.

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From here, we can closely monitor

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the universe's most mystifying
sentient species, humans.

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From their bizarre customs...

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To their bewildering culture...

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To the confounding, tentacle-scratching
dung heap they call politics.

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It won't be easy, but I'm a journaloid.

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I say let's rip the lid
off these perplexing,

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pseudo-intelligent, mostly shaved apes.

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Let's start with the basics.
What, you ask, is a human?

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A human is a carbon-based
mammalian tetrapod

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that grows to a maximum height
of 7.8 quarnots,

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and a maximum weight,

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which could not be established at press time.

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It's improbably high.
Let's just say that.

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Humans maintain tribal alliances
and antagonisms that are complex

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and little-understood.

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Complex also describes their
flavor, with a medium firm flesh,

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oily and rich when stewed,
but its musky qualities...

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Drexx, are you giving out cooking tips?
Did you eat a human?

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A human? No, Tuva.

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I ate several hundred humans,
prepared in a variety of ways.

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- That is not our assignment.
- I beg your pardon?

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We were supposed to hover near Earth

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and sample a wide variety of humanity.

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And I did. I had the French-fried,

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Mongolians barbecued,
and some Swedes meatballs.

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Drexx, we are supposed
to learn from the humans.

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- Well, that's ridiculous.
- I know.

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Come on, what are we supposed to
learn from these space monkeys?

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How to get sick
of masturbating?

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No, no, no. I know.

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'Cause from my brief observation,
seems like 80% of their lives

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is spent in joyless masturbation.

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Drexx, if you don't want this
job, you didn't have to take it.

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No, I literally did.

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I'm extremely difficult to work
with and I've pretty much run

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myself out of the business
with my explosive temper.

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Oh, I'm sorry, Drexx.
That's a tough spot to be in.

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Hey, what's that supposed to
mean, you mechanical fuck face?

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You think
you're better than me?

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Okay, and my sensors
are indicating

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we've fulfilled
our banter requirement.

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Let's move onto tonight's
superior stories.

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They are delicious, though. I'm
afraid I've acquired a taste.

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Just read the next thing.

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For our new viewers, let me address
the giant elephlark in the room.

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Why are we so focused on this Earth?

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After all, this galaxy has
thousands of inhabited planets,

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so why does
this one backwater outpost

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have our thought glands
sopping wet with curiosity?

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The answer? Its dominant
species, "humans,"

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who are on track to set a new record

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for fastest self-destruction
by a sentient race.

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- Which means Earth will soon
- be on the market.

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But is it a good investment?

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We'll take you inside this
would-be conqueror's paradise

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in our segment...
"Invade It or Avoid It."

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? Invade it ?

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? Or avoid it ?

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? Invade it ?

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? Or avoid it ?

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Earth is a quaint,
spheroid-style planet

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located in the rapidly-
gentrifying Milky Way district.

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Whether you like it hot... Cold...

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Or devoid of any notable
characteristics whatsoever...

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Earth has plenty of variety.

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Thanks to frequent rotations and
plenty of natural sunlight,

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this planet doesn't look
a day over 4.5 billion.

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Full disclosure: Earth once
had a bit of pest problem,

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but after some routine fumigation,

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it's been looking pretty clear
for the past 65 million years,

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except for this one lake in Scotland.

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For eons, Earth was sadly stuck in
grayscale, but late in the last

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century, humans finally
transitioned to dazzling color.

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We believe this was achieved

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when multi-chromatic pellets
were distributed,

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giving all humans the ability to
experience the rainbow's taste.

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In recent times, humans have taken
it upon themselves to renovate.

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They've been freshening up the air,

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making their rainforests
more open-concept,

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and even sprucing up the place
with a sleek, black paint job.

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A decent attempt at a last-minute
flip, but will it be enough?

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What do you say, Drexx?
Invade it, or avoid it?

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Tuva, I think Earth is a
perfect starter planet

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for all your sub-celestial
occupation needs, I say, "Invade It"!

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Agreed. This planet is only
going to skyrocket in value,

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which means investing in Earth
will have

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your Xilurian fleshcoins
screaming in thanks.

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I also say, "Invade It"!

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- We're both agreed.
- Happy pillaging, everyone.

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- Next time on
- "Invade It or Avoid It,"

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this thick gassy freak.

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Later in our broadcast,

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we'll check in with
Hollywood star Dwayne Johnson

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on his latest career
move: becoming uglier.

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Salt production is on the rise,

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thanks to the human tear induction
therapy known as "This Is Us."

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In other news, humans
apparently think we look like shit.

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More on that as it develops.

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In Earth sector Hollywood,
some 150 lucky humans

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were selected for a coveted
arrogance enhancement totem.

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It was a glitzy ceremony,

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attended by some of the most
arrogant beings in the galaxy.

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The totems
have different names,

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but they all boil down
to Most In Need of Self-Esteem.

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Supplicants arrived in resplendent
clothing, we presume to hide

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- their fundamental lack
- of character.

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The fiendish spectacle began

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with a gathering on a
blood-red drop cloth.

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Participants were asked,
"Who are you wearing?"

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indicating that they
had murdered their

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compatriots and donned their hides.

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- They then shamelessly named
- their innocent victims.

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- Who are you wearing
- this evening?

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- Vivienne Westwood.
- Vivienne Westwood.

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Later, the audience cheered as
the chosen received their totems

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and were instantly transformed
into shrieking narcissists.

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They spoke at length
on topics of dubious interest

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inside a literal echo chamber,
flattering their like-minded audience,

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who unanimously agreed
that the work they do

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is, quote, "More
important now than ever."

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The totem itself is shaped
like an arrogant nude

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who seems to have,
as the humans say,

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"big dick energy," despite
being notably dick-less.

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It's made of a material that
reacts with the human brain

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to increase feelings
of self-importance.

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The totem often goes to those
who subject themselves

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to extreme weight fluctuation
and common ugliness,

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abetted by makeup simulating
the lack of makeup,

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but just as often,
it goes to the Holocaust movie.

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Later on "Alien News Desk,"
we'll show you how to harvest

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crystal methamphetamine from
your automobile's viewing glass.

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Welcome back. To their own detriment,
humans are a curious species.

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For more, it's time for this
week's Innovation Report.

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For years, vain humans
have injected Botox poison

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into their skin
to improve their complexion.

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This monumental achievement has
now inspired a similar procedure

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for the Earth's skin: the ground.

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It's called fracking.

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In fracking, a massive syringe is
used to inject poison into the Earth

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in order to bring
precious oils to the surface,

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and just as Botox yields
smooth, paralyzed muscles

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and tissue necrosis,
fracking promotes

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regenerative earthquakes and
stimulating tap water fires

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due to its innovative method of
destroying the land beneath towns.

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If you hear
your windows shattering,

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that means it's working.

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Like Botox, fracking smooths
out the surface of the land

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by removing signs of aging,
such as family farms

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and post-industrial waterfronts.

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This solves a nagging problem for Usa.

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Its cities are rarely bombed,

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so its citizens don't get
the satisfaction

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of rebuilding civilization
from scratch.

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Fracking provides rubble-clearing
and grave-digging opportunities

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normally enjoyed by
non-Americans, like Puerto Ricans.

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Congratulations, Earth.
Thanks to fracking, you look

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4.5 billion years young.

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In other news, new aggression in
the ongoing war against the sky.

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And then a hilarious switcheroo.

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A fish is extracted from
water and placed on land.

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- Tally-ho, governor!
- Pip, pip, cheerio!

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Spot of tea, inn't it?

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These are the inane utterings
of a brainwashed people:

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brainwashed by a coterie of
sorcerers known as the royal family.

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A new study claims that these
sorcerers have tricked their country,

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known as Uk, into an annual
allowance of 500 million pounds.

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Their current leader is this wretched
warlock, Queen Elizabeth I-I,

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seen here with her legion
of hellhounds.

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She is believed to be somewhere
between 90 and 90,000 years old.

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00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:07,027
The secret to her longevity?

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She appears to have split her
soul into thousands of pieces

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and deposited them in wallets
throughout the Commonwealth,

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rendering her unkillable.

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For centuries, the people
of Uk have lived under the

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pale, mottled thumb of Queen I-I
and her inbred progenitors.

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They used their fearsome
talismans to conquer the world,

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colonizing entire peoples
and forcing them

203
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to play games for their amusement,
such as incorrect football

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and wrong golf.

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But they soon found themselves helpless
to stem the tide of democracy.

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If they were to maintain
power, a new plan would be needed,

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00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:44,709
so the royal family retreated
to their giant palace

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00:10:44,719 --> 00:10:47,465
to think of ways to be
relatable and relevant.

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00:10:47,609 --> 00:10:51,022
And at last, they found a way
to give back to the community.

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They started an outreach
program, finding humans

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00:10:53,839 --> 00:10:55,911
with highly malignant
brain tumors

212
00:10:55,943 --> 00:10:58,729
and offering them employment
as palace guards.

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00:10:59,236 --> 00:11:02,870
But is this enough to justify
the massive public expense?

214
00:11:03,061 --> 00:11:05,775
Recent polls have shown
disapproval of the royal family

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00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:07,660
to be at an all-time high,

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00:11:07,957 --> 00:11:10,930
but much like a cancerous
growth upon the skull of a

217
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:14,795
mutated sentinel, this family
can never truly be removed.

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Move over, video games.
More Earth children

219
00:11:18,992 --> 00:11:22,581
are spending their leisure time
sewing clothes all day long.

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And it's music festival season again,

221
00:11:25,262 --> 00:11:28,295
where humans gather
for remedial clapping practice.

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00:11:29,175 --> 00:11:32,841
How do humans survive in a
city encased in noxious mist?

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00:11:32,905 --> 00:11:35,643
Easy: by paying
exorbitant prices.

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00:11:37,025 --> 00:11:39,929
- We turn now
- to our semi-irregular look

225
00:11:39,985 --> 00:11:42,743
at the feeble graspings
of younger human minds.

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00:11:42,783 --> 00:11:46,599
It's time for another edition
of Eye on Education.

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Enforced silence, mandatory quad
sitting, compulsory merrymaking:

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these are hallmarks of the four-year
prisons known as universities.

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00:11:58,308 --> 00:12:00,026
Children as young as 18

230
00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:02,609
are stripped from their parents
and locked into camps,

231
00:12:02,619 --> 00:12:05,785
where they spend their days
attending brainwashing seminars

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00:12:05,849 --> 00:12:08,055
and nightsreceiving beer torture.

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00:12:08,412 --> 00:12:09,629
This begs the question:

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00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,560
is there no alternative
to this form of penance?

235
00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:14,965
Thankfully, just as children
on planet Blarx

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00:12:15,004 --> 00:12:16,823
can choose death over the mines,

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00:12:16,998 --> 00:12:19,212
there's another option
for Earth learners:

238
00:12:19,294 --> 00:12:22,515
universities designated as online.

239
00:12:22,914 --> 00:12:25,215
Rather than travel thousands of miles,

240
00:12:25,255 --> 00:12:27,570
humans can complete
their university sentence

241
00:12:27,579 --> 00:12:32,373
at home, in a highly-desired
educational uniform called the pajama.

242
00:12:32,483 --> 00:12:35,356
To simulate the effects
of in-person torture,

243
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,902
online students can complete
their forced labor

244
00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,466
beneath a thick fog of feline dander.

245
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:43,469
To qualify, students must be
a single mother,

246
00:12:43,478 --> 00:12:44,931
or be capable of producing

247
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,035
a feel-good story about
overcoming the odds at all costs.

248
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:52,308
Once entry has been acquired,
they can take their exams online.

249
00:12:52,376 --> 00:12:53,619
From the outside, it appears

250
00:12:53,629 --> 00:12:56,391
to be a perfect system
of digital torture, but

251
00:12:56,614 --> 00:12:59,249
according to research,
this comes at a price.

252
00:12:59,609 --> 00:13:02,362
Firstly, humans
who attend school online

253
00:13:02,402 --> 00:13:05,822
are not able to undergo a
crucial networking ritual

254
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,822
known as fraternity hazing.

255
00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:12,433
In addition, they do not gain
the 15 pounds of fresh man's fat

256
00:13:12,517 --> 00:13:16,414
necessary to store their memories
in, nor can they use that fat

257
00:13:16,477 --> 00:13:20,874
to seduce and then fornicate with
their professors for extra credit.

258
00:13:21,395 --> 00:13:25,657
Yes, online universities
are no match for real college,

259
00:13:25,728 --> 00:13:28,585
where you mortgage your future to
live in some crumbling Gothic

260
00:13:28,616 --> 00:13:32,244
atrocity in western Massachusetts
and soak it in your barf.

261
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:33,965
Well, sign me up.

262
00:13:34,379 --> 00:13:38,479
After this commercial stasis, more
Earthlings are carrying around

263
00:13:38,489 --> 00:13:40,680
cardboard boxes
full of raw vegetation

264
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:44,242
and eating them alone in
tiny, ceiling-less rooms.

265
00:13:44,274 --> 00:13:46,489
We'll explain why
this is considered healthy

266
00:13:46,499 --> 00:13:48,729
and not evidence
of mental illness.

267
00:13:54,022 --> 00:13:56,879
- Welcome back.
- According to our calculations,

268
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:59,139
- humans recently
- completed construction

269
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,258
on the 44,000th iteration

270
00:14:01,306 --> 00:14:04,203
of an unusual building
known as an airport.

271
00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:07,598
At buildings like these,
record numbers of humans

272
00:14:07,662 --> 00:14:10,813
are queueing up for hours
to be barked at by gunmen

273
00:14:10,837 --> 00:14:12,852
while their stuff is rifled through.

274
00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:14,926
Some are stripped and subjected

275
00:14:14,973 --> 00:14:17,379
to humiliating body cavity searches,

276
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,509
while the lucky ones are merely
pummeled with radiation

277
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:25,043
as images of their naked bodies are
evaluated by suspicious guards,

278
00:14:25,226 --> 00:14:26,885
and why do they endure all this?

279
00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:29,230
To purchase cigarettes.

280
00:14:29,479 --> 00:14:31,733
Humans simply love smoking,

281
00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:34,520
in which deadly fumes
are funneled into the lungs

282
00:14:34,530 --> 00:14:35,574
through a flaming tube,

283
00:14:35,638 --> 00:14:39,755
all for the smooth, toasted flavor
of Turkish and domestic tobacco.

284
00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:42,570
Truly, cigarettes
are alive with pleasure,

285
00:14:42,579 --> 00:14:45,277
but officials attempting
to deter smoking

286
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:47,296
carefully regulate
the number of people

287
00:14:47,336 --> 00:14:50,677
permitted to buy cigarettes
in gargantuan quantities.

288
00:14:50,796 --> 00:14:54,509
Insult labels help break
down smokers psychologically

289
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,102
to prepare them
for the next step

290
00:14:56,141 --> 00:14:58,570
of their demeaning cigarette-buying journey.

291
00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:00,509
They are crowded into tubes

292
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,530
and taunted by strangers
in colorful uniforms,

293
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:05,609
who show them blinking images
of cigarettes

294
00:15:05,619 --> 00:15:09,106
but warn they cannot have them, -
or they'll be shackled - in prison.

295
00:15:09,338 --> 00:15:12,639
Bizarre videos are shown in
which dancing theater majors

296
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,268
forbid them from smoking
while instructing them

297
00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:16,989
on how to restrain themselves.

298
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,853
Threatening sensors
loom everywhere

299
00:15:19,916 --> 00:15:22,479
and rumors are spread
of government assassins,

300
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:26,711
disguised as regular people, ready
to shoot and kill rule-breakers.

301
00:15:26,957 --> 00:15:30,140
We've concluded these flying
machines are actually powered

302
00:15:30,182 --> 00:15:34,341
by the sheer teeth-grinding
frustration of many addicts at once.

303
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,139
If the energy runs low,
the addiction is stoked

304
00:15:37,163 --> 00:15:39,623
with subpar Katherine Heigl movies.

305
00:15:40,338 --> 00:15:42,958
After their tense journey,
the smokers are deposited

306
00:15:43,054 --> 00:15:45,579
in another nearly identical
cigarette shop,

307
00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:48,835
but their belongings are routed
nearly a mile away from them.

308
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,224
It's confusing as hell.

309
00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:53,550
This all costs taxpayers
billions a year,

310
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,242
a profligate scheme
complete with earmarks

311
00:15:56,243 --> 00:16:00,499
for seemingly-corrupt businesses
such as Auntie Anne's,

312
00:16:00,509 --> 00:16:03,271
which despite operating
hundreds of locations,

313
00:16:03,352 --> 00:16:08,201
appear to have never sold a single
pretzel, nor closed a single shop.

314
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:09,746
As far as I can tell,

315
00:16:09,809 --> 00:16:12,333
these dystopian
cigarette-selling compounds

316
00:16:12,349 --> 00:16:16,397
serve no other purpose except as a
sanctuary for morning drinkers.

317
00:16:16,599 --> 00:16:19,739
Now this is gonna sound
harsh, but I have to say it:

318
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,369
I think that morning drinkers
are worse than terrorists.

319
00:16:23,776 --> 00:16:26,459
You've never been invited
to a brunch, and that's why.

320
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:27,579
Ah, don't say that.

321
00:16:27,589 --> 00:16:29,509
I get invited to brunches
all the time,

322
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,826
- and you know it.
- No.

323
00:16:30,913 --> 00:16:32,540
Let me go to my d...
I'll show you my desk.

324
00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:35,640
I have a d... a drawer
just for all the invitations.

325
00:16:36,086 --> 00:16:37,550
Go check out my drawer.

326
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,385
- All right.
- Don't get u... don't go in there now.

327
00:16:40,925 --> 00:16:43,524
In other news, we'll
take you inside the

328
00:16:43,525 --> 00:16:46,640
fascinating cult devoted
to swallowing bugs.

329
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:48,931
Land ho!

330
00:16:48,979 --> 00:16:53,221
Horny boats can't stay away from these
king-sized navigational penises.

331
00:16:54,992 --> 00:16:57,689
In agricultural news,
we take you now to footage

332
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,823
of this year's harvest
of clown noses.

333
00:17:00,509 --> 00:17:01,961
But could it be the last?

334
00:17:02,056 --> 00:17:06,620
Demand is at a historic low for the
proto-cyborgs known as clowns.

335
00:17:06,923 --> 00:17:10,660
We assume these freakish creatures
are assembled from Earth's crops,

336
00:17:10,842 --> 00:17:12,792
which are then crossbred
with the corpses

337
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,840
of various oafs and buffoons.

338
00:17:15,221 --> 00:17:18,101
Designed to make children
afraid of the outside world,

339
00:17:18,172 --> 00:17:20,513
clowns have been
largely rendered obsolete

340
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,885
by technologies
that bring Earth's horrors

341
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,231
directly to children,
free of charge.

342
00:17:25,432 --> 00:17:28,291
Now, clowns have little use
to most humans,

343
00:17:28,301 --> 00:17:31,905
except for lusty Italians, who
pulp and juice their noses

344
00:17:31,953 --> 00:17:34,419
for their tabletop
circulatory systems.

345
00:17:34,937 --> 00:17:36,017
We'll see how much longer

346
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,715
old-fashioned clown crafting
can hang on.

347
00:17:39,729 --> 00:17:43,271
A grease-based poultry dish
native to southern Usa

348
00:17:43,281 --> 00:17:45,064
and the berobed sorcerer

349
00:17:45,104 --> 00:17:47,707
who commands a vast legion
of Earth's faithful.

350
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,945
What do these two things
have in common?

351
00:17:50,024 --> 00:17:52,452
Nothing, but try telling
the humans that.

352
00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:55,389
They have constructed
a vast network of facilities

353
00:17:55,468 --> 00:17:58,499
dedicated to the consumption
of a greasy fried bird

354
00:17:58,547 --> 00:18:01,452
and total compliance
with the Pope of Vatican City.

355
00:18:01,571 --> 00:18:03,342
Don't believe me?
Here's the proof.

356
00:18:03,848 --> 00:18:06,895
Pope-yes.
Pope-yes.

357
00:18:07,005 --> 00:18:09,062
Pope-yes.
Pope Yes!

358
00:18:09,101 --> 00:18:10,601
Listen, the humans can agree

359
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,991
with that elderly witch doctor
all they want,

360
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:16,953
but can they please separate
their weird dietary customs from

361
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,475
- Drexx, it's not Pope-yes.
- It most certainly is.

362
00:18:20,506 --> 00:18:21,579
It's Popeye's.

363
00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:25,069
Iit's not a house of
worship that serves food?

364
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:29,608
- No, it's - a poultry restaurant
named for an imaginary sailor man.

365
00:18:30,036 --> 00:18:34,281
Well, is this fictional seafaring
functionary a practicing Cath-ol-ic?

366
00:18:34,291 --> 00:18:37,291
Uh, his religious beliefs are
never stated in the literature.

367
00:18:37,354 --> 00:18:40,957
Is he known for a love of
consuming chicken boiled in oil?

368
00:18:41,056 --> 00:18:43,540
No, he consumes
mainly spinach.

369
00:18:43,715 --> 00:18:46,251
Which this restaurant
must feature for purchase.

370
00:18:46,261 --> 00:18:47,310
It does not.

371
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:53,032
Oh, I get it. This is like the
Nine-Eyes fried gracklon chain.

372
00:18:53,302 --> 00:18:54,281
Exactly.

373
00:18:54,291 --> 00:18:56,175
A restaurant named for a sailor

374
00:18:56,223 --> 00:18:58,063
who has nothing to do with the product.

375
00:18:58,230 --> 00:19:00,084
Well, okay.
Never mind.

376
00:19:00,377 --> 00:19:02,791
Still need an apostrophe,
though, Popeye's.

377
00:19:03,281 --> 00:19:05,432
I'm from outer damn space,
and I know that.

378
00:19:05,495 --> 00:19:07,821
We'll be back after these messages.

379
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,408
You know, if you don't have
that apostrophe in there,

380
00:19:10,463 --> 00:19:11,661
it reads as "Pope-yes."

381
00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:14,291
Yeah, but you added a
space in the actual word.

382
00:19:14,301 --> 00:19:16,531
That, uh... that, uh... no.

383
00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:20,291
For a limited time, the Nine-Eyes
fried tentacle platter

384
00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:22,824
comes with a free volume
of liquid coolant

385
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:25,554
and an extruded plastic
amusement for your young.

386
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:27,566
Get a crispy bucket
of these creatures

387
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,693
before it becomes illegal
to eat gracklons,

388
00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:32,271
just because
they're college-educated.

389
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,590
In Earth sporting news, a
bunch of gullible humans

390
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:48,919
paid good currency to
watch fake centaur races.

391
00:19:51,054 --> 00:19:52,728
I mean, come on.
Look at that!

392
00:19:52,783 --> 00:19:54,411
You're not even trying,
you two!

393
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,128
Hey, top guy,
I can see your legs.

394
00:19:57,291 --> 00:20:00,766
But at least the victims of
this bizarre fake centaur scam

395
00:20:00,814 --> 00:20:03,370
got to see something
in exchange for their currency.

396
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:07,402
Not so for the poor humans in
Earth settlement Las Vegas,

397
00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:10,306
who come from great distances
to throw their currency

398
00:20:10,369 --> 00:20:12,837
directly into
the waste incinerator.

399
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:16,852
Vacationers continue to flock
to Earth settlement Las Vegas,

400
00:20:16,932 --> 00:20:21,101
a glass-and-concrete hive of
facilities called casinos,

401
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,886
where humans pay a
relentless series of fines

402
00:20:23,926 --> 00:20:26,870
if they're unable to predict
simple chaos theory,

403
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:30,642
or memorize the sequence
of 52 small quadrilaterals.

404
00:20:30,652 --> 00:20:33,903
These casinos are designed for
maximum sensory discomfort,

405
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,957
so all the poor humans handing
over their wealth must suffer,

406
00:20:37,076 --> 00:20:39,203
from the humans who
pay large sum fines

407
00:20:39,254 --> 00:20:42,581
according to the brutal whims
of a random number generator

408
00:20:42,789 --> 00:20:46,701
to the poor souls who must numbly
feed a toll collection box,

409
00:20:46,757 --> 00:20:49,241
one coin at a time.

410
00:20:49,368 --> 00:20:52,424
Yes, Earth settlement Las
Vegas is more evidence

411
00:20:52,463 --> 00:20:56,876
of the incandescently creative
cruelty of the human species.

412
00:20:57,254 --> 00:20:59,326
"Incandescent."
Fun word to say.

413
00:20:59,411 --> 00:21:01,502
Incandescent.
Incandescent.

414
00:21:01,584 --> 00:21:02,647
It is fun.

415
00:21:04,543 --> 00:21:05,718
Okay, that's enough.

416
00:21:06,483 --> 00:21:07,727
That's it for now.

417
00:21:07,774 --> 00:21:10,614
Here's a look at several
news fetuses still gestating.

418
00:21:11,734 --> 00:21:15,013
Humans chefs have discovered - a
new way - to marinate waterfowl,

419
00:21:15,222 --> 00:21:18,873
and let me tell you,
it looks petrole-yummy!

420
00:21:19,909 --> 00:21:24,318
And this is human actress Ashley
Olsen, but who is this maniac fan

421
00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:27,848
who got extensive surgery
to look exactly like her?

422
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:32,913
Thousands panic as Earth
ejaculates all over itself.

423
00:21:33,444 --> 00:21:35,023
I'm Tuva Van Void.

424
00:21:35,158 --> 00:21:36,533
And I'm Drexx Drudlarr.

425
00:21:36,543 --> 00:21:38,584
This broadcast
has been terminated.

426
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:49,289
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