This is me.
You going to be OK?
Yeah. Thought it was a terrorist attack, but it wasn't.
- Er, I'll see you tomorrow. - Mm-hm.
Unless something bad happens to me on the way home, like I get mugged,
but I'd probably still come into work, because I'm new
and I want to make a good impression.
It would have to be something really bad, like an assault.
I hope nothing bad happens to you.
- Thanks. - Sorry, folks. A slight issue with the doors.
Shouldn't be too long.
Maybe we should get another drink.
I've actually got to get back.
Yeah, no, I didn't mean now.
I meant another time or never.
I mean, I totally would but, um...
- ... me and Sheila are, kind of, back on. - Oh.
Are back on, not kind of. So...
I didn't mean it in that way, anyway.
Obviously, because we work together.
Yeah, no, I didn't think you did.
It would have been like a meeting.
And I don't think of you that way.
And when I do, I'm like, "Bleurgh!"
- Just to be clear. - Yeah, that was really clear.
- So, goodnight. - Yeah, yeah. See you around, bye.
This is Finsbury Park. Change here for the Piccadilly line...
Last time I had penetrative sex, David Cameron was Prime Minister.
Nobody should have that as a sexual reference point.
And now I've got my diagnosis, I can be with someone and enjoy it
properly, instead of spending the whole time worrying
I'm a perv having an inappropriate thought.
I'm not letting my thoughts cock block me any more.
So, they've just stopped?
- Yeah. - No doctor, no therapy, no drugs, no recovery.
- You're just better. - Yeah, pretty much.
And if I do get one, I'm like, "It's not me, it's my OCD,"
and it stops.
So, I was going to say, if you want,
I could always refer you to my guy.
Why, is he single?
That's not what I meant, is it?
No, I'm not doing therapy. Sitting in a room talking about myself
and my feelings when I could be out there feeling stuff and people.
I want to live.
I'm in London, there's, like, four million males here.
I could have sex with all of them if I want to.
I could have sex with him or him or...
... yeah, not him because he'd always be asking me for money. Annoying.
And, actually, doesn't matter if he's fit.
Don't care about his personality, I just care about his cock.
He's not just a piece of meat, you know, Marnie.
Are you here to gossip or graft?
I've got to go, right.
Who's that? Is he fit?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey.
Great you weren't mugged or assaulted.
Nope, I am alive.
Cool.
Hey, can you do a coffee run?
Get a receipt because we're out of petty cash.
- Remind me. - Yup.
Cheers.
So, why are you planting onions if there are already onions?
That's because they're daffodils, you nana.
I got you a little something, actually.
For your anniversary.
Sam.
Sweetheart.
Just a little joke, help you get back on the horse... or woman.
Seriously, mate, I'm proud of you.
You earned that, yeah, every fucking day of it.
You got anything special planned?
Seeing a mate.
And trying to get something in the diary with Flora.
She said if I was sober she'd see me, so we could talk about us.
- What, you've seen her? - No, that was last year.
She said that last year.
A lot can change in a year, mate.
She's the reason I'm still here.
I did it for her.
How do I say that?
Fucking hell, it's like Loose Women in here.
Give me your phone.
- Hey! Oi. - Back off.
I've got a trowel, go on.
- It's like the first mobile phone. - No smiley faces.
Always with the smiley faces.
Dear Flora...
... you said we could talk when I'd been sober a year.
That's now.
I'd love it if you got in touch.
Love, Charlie.
That's lovely.
- Smiley face? - Yeah, maybe not.
Smiley face.
And if she doesn't reply?
Well, then I'll have to be your plus one when we go horse riding.
Come on.
Crack on.
What can I get you?
Hi, uh, quite a lot, actually.
It's not all for me.
Don't even like coffee.
What's wrong with you?
Uh, you know when you just don't like something so you avoid it?
Like shaving.
Well, that's because you've never had my coffee.
Well, I don't like it, so...
Well, maybe I should make you one so you can see.
- Maybe you should. - Maybe I will.
I will.
It's not me, it's my OCD.
That's semi skimmed he's frothing, not man milk.
Right, this is a cortado.
Your espresso is cut with equal quantities of warm milk,
to reduce acidity.
That's not a cock, that's meant to be a... heart.
- Aw. - Try it.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
- That's on the house. - Wow, thanks.
Any time.
Well, not, like, any time, 'cos then I'd never make a profit.
Oh, shall I stamp that?
Yes, please.
Thanks.
- Come on. - Oh!
Just going back to that free coffee thing, um...
... maybe I could get you one back.
Well, I already get it free because I work here.
- I meant alcohol. - Oh.
- In a pub. - OK.
Because I do like the taste of that.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Is tonight too soon?
No, I could do tonight.
- Great. - I finish at six.
Same.
I'll come down here.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yep.
Hi, can you come in early tomorrow and set up the boardroom
for the investors meeting?
Yeah, how early?
7.30. Sorry, perks of being an intern.
Get some juice, fruit, pastries, that sort of thing.
Is there petty cash or... ?
No, sorry, no-one's been to the bank.
Just get a receipt again, sorry.
That's fine.
Babe, what are you trying to do?
Wings.
Like you're trying to draw a house, come here.
Thanks.
It's a bit much for the tube home.
I'm going for a drink.
You've got a date.
Well, we're just calling it a drink.
Who is he?
I'm assuming it's a bloke because you know,
it's not Sunday and that's your gay day.
He's just some guy I met.
Is it Joe?
What? No way.
Aw, I think it's great, you know, you're putting yourself out there,
meeting new people.
I'm getting to know my city, being sociable.
Like a Labrador, pissing on things, dry humping people.
If you go back to his, he's not going to let you up on the bed.
I won't be going back to his.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Do I kiss weird?
I'm just keen.
I want to look at you.
Ta-da.
Aw.
You like it?
I'm not the biggest fan of them, but this one is...
... yeah.
So, you'd rather if I didn't have one?
I want you to make me come.
OK.
Not like that.
With your mouth.
Naughty, naughty.
That I, uh, can do.
I love doing this.
Oh.
- I love it. - OK.
Ooh.
- What's up? - It's just the bristles.
Oh. Sorry.
Are those sounds of pleasure or disgust?
Shh.
- Sorry. - Is it usually this loud? Is that normal?
Am I too wet?
Is that pervy?
What if I taste weird.
It's not me, it's my OCD.
I'm having an intrusive thought.
I'm having a...
Keep doing that.
Just 'cos I didn't come doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it.
I mildly did.
I can't expect fireworks from every random shag, a sparkler's fine.
Or one of those jazzy birthday candles that keeps relighting,
never comes to anything, but still manages to raise a smile.
Hey, beautiful.
Last night blew my mind.
What's happened to your face?
Uh, I shaved it.
'Cause of...
... not what I said.
Well, look at you.
I mean we can't have that happening every time, can we?
Uh, I said I'd be in by half seven so...
Oh sick, we can go in together.
20 minutes?
Yep.
Ohhh!
We should do that.
_
Be on the water.
Need a deck and a meal, drink some fine wine.
Truly appreciate the beauty of this magical city.
Uh, yeah.
When?
I... I'd need to check my iCal later.
Well, it's a date.
When you pick one.
Oh, shit, this is me.
No, it's not.
Yeah, no, I forgot, I've got to pick up some stuff for work, so...
Oh.
Well, I'll see YOU later!
OK, bye.
Marnie!
Hi, I can't really talk right now, I'm at work.
I thought something terrible had happened.
I was googling rapes and murders in London, just in case.
Where were you?
I stayed at a mate's.
Well, a strange man's flat.
Yeah, the police said that was the most likely...
- You called the police!? - Well, it said to call 101
if I was that concerned about your welfare, which I was.
I'm fine.
Just really aware of my vagina.
Yeah, and I care about that vagina.
I want to know about it. I want to know where it's been.
- No, you don't. - And whether it's going to come home at night.
So, a simple text from it, or the person attached to it, would be nice.
I didn't know you'd be this bothered.
This is an appropriate response if you live with someone.
OK, sorry.
I should work.
If you want inappropriate, look to your employers for exploiting
young creative workers with unrealistic work hours, zero pay,
not even a travel card.
If I don't do it, someone else will.
Exactly, you're dispensable.
No, I'm not...
I'm still waiting on those absence figures, Karen.
Karen!
- Morning. - Hey.
Oh, shit, babe. I forgot to text you, they cancelled.
But I bought all this stuff.
Sorry to drag you from your bed.
Or was it someone else's?
- What? - How was your date?
- Yeah, it was fine. - What did you get up to?
Just got a drink, chatted.
You didn't stay at his and buy that top on your way in?
No.
Boop.
He let you up on the bed, then, huh?
I bought this ages ago.
Who is it? Come on, don't be so secretive.
It doesn't matter who it is, I'm not going to see him again.
Well, I might see him with my eyes, if I bump into him.
Oh, what are you, four?
Actually, I could murder a cuppa.
Morning, lads.
- Moira! - Oh, it's actually Marnie.
Can you make sure the fashion stock
from the freebie cupboard gets returned?
All the stuff on the rails.
- Yeah. - It's got to be today, OK?
Today is, like, the last day we can do it
and it's like two grand's worth of stuff.
So, leave plenty of time, 'cos it's not all one shop.
OK.
- Nice top. - Thanks.
Sorry.
Fuck off.
So, good holiday?
Was it a holiday, though?
Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.
Well, it was a kind of holiday.
- Not really, though. - A bit.
It wasn't.
Anyway, I'm better.
I want to come back, finish off my placement.
God, I haven't been on holiday for, like...
... since Mauritius.
So, I was just wondering what I needed to do
in order to do that.
Are you sure you're ready?
Definitely, yes.
- Absolutely. - Because the last time was really, um, badly timed.
I'll time my next mental breakdown more considerately.
Joke. There won't be one.
This is it.
You'll have to meet the partners.
Of course.
Tell people team meeting in five.
Do you want tea?
No, I fancy a coffee.
Like one of those really wanky ones from downstairs.
OK, yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
Um, maybe from somewhere else, though?
Actually, let's have it down there. Change of scene.
Or maybe we could just go somewhere else, because it is technically
the same building, so if you wanted that change of scene...
I can't be arsed walking.
- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
When am I getting your celibacy piece?
I've got a flat white.
You can just leave them there, thanks.
All right.
I've got a potential ping on this podcast, if I can actually
get a one-to-one with her.
Nancy Velgaro?
She's playing hard to get, which is fine, because she's probably busy
progressing the role of women in society.
She's, kind of, brilliant.
So, I'll get the nun piece
the morning after you've shagged her, then?
It's professional admiration.
Oh, shit, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I've got it, I've got it.
I'll get you another one.
Cortado.
I said a tea.
Surprise.
Well, somebody's got a fan.
- No. - Well, don't ask him for a loyalty card,
'cos was the last intern did and she ended up with an STD.
I might just switch this for a tea.
And get a cloth.
G'day.
Could you tone it down a bit? 'Cos I'm at work.
Oh, OK.
- OK? - OK, yeah.
- Thank you. - Wait, wait.
- What? - What are you doing after this?
I was just going to have a night in.
Sounds perfect.
I could cook.
I meant at my house.
Thanks, though.
Sorry, have I done something?
What? No.
What's changed since this morning?
- Nothing. - Just seemed like this morning
you were really into it and now you're just...
... not.
Did I say I wasn't into it?
I just said I can't do tonight, maybe another time.
- Maybe? - Yeah.
Well, OK.
Yeah.
I knew you'd be like this, actually.
'Cos, um...
... you're so good-looking.
We went on A date.
We made love, Marnie.
No, we didn't.
We had sex.
That's all, just sex.
And it's finished.
And can I get a cloth?
Please.
Fucking slut.
What?
Cloth.
Some... interesting thoughts, there.
Do they know we had sex?
Can they smell it off my hair?
Do they think I'm a skank?
I'm having an intrusive thought.
Amber, Joe, can we have that chat?
It's a meeting about how inappropriate I am.
I've tried to do sexual things with three different people
in this building in the space of a week.
Fuck, that's sexual harassment.
Am I the office lech?
I think like one, and I act like one.
If I get the sack, it's proof I am one.
What is going on with your chin?
She thinks it's an STD.
Shut up!
I'm having an intrusive thought.
But I'm the one having it, so it must be my thought.
What if I don't have OCD?
What if I am a sex pest and it's just an excuse for me to perv?
Moira!
You need to take the clothes like I told you to.
Yeah, I know, sorry, I'm doing it now.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Moira.
Where did you find this one?
I said LinkedIn.
- What's the problem? - Ask her. What were you doing?
- Not what she thinks. - I think she was drinking.
- Babe, at work? - Is there something wrong with you?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm mental?
I know you all think I'm some sort of nympho, but I'm not.
I'm a normal woman with sexual needs,
and I shouldn't have to apologise for it.
- Babe... - But sorry for having sex with the barista.
Sorry for technically shagging my way here.
- Oh, uh... - Sorry for asking out a co-worker,
even though he's got a girlfriend.
Just trying to be nice. But, oh, no. Suddenly I'm a pervert.
Well, you're slut-shaming.
- Come with me for a walk, for, like, five minutes... - No!
You don't know what I need!
You don't know me.
You have not been inside me.
You don't know what I'm like.
So, fuck this, I'm not taking this, treating me like the office lech.
Like I'm dirty.
Disgusting.
What are you doing?
Leaving. I wouldn't work here if you paid me, which you don't.
In fact, working here has actually cost me £63.72.
If you go now, that's it.
Good.
I know that's it, 'cos I'm saying that.
That's what I said.
You totally stole that top, as well.
What, this?
Do you want it, Steph?
Here.
You can have it.
And I'm taking these, 'cos I bought them.
Marnie, out!
Oh, hi!
Flora, wow.
Hi.
Charlie.
Oh, my God.
Erm...
Sef, can you maybe?
I have to feed the cat anyway, so...
They remember if you don't.
- So, you two are... - Flatmates.
- Ah, great, yes. - Couldn't afford the rent on my own.
A two bed in Shoreditch, are you joking?
- It's good that you've got someone, that's... - Yeah, he's, er...
... pretty fucking irritating, actually.
Knives, blade up in the dishwasher.
- Sociopath! - Uses my butter, doesn't recycle...
'Cos I was, like, "He's attractive. I don't have a chance."
And now, I'm like, "Oh, maybe I do!"
How've you been, anyway? You look really...
Sober?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I said in my... in my text.
I didn't know what to say.
So, can we talk?
I mean, I know we're talking, but, like, talk-talk,
like we said we would after it had been a year?
It's been a year.
365 days!
Aargh!
No, that's great.
You're great.
Willpower!
The thing is...
... every one of those days was for you.
So, there's that.
Yeah...
Yeah.
I don't know if that's where...
... I'm at, right now.
For me, you know...
Emotionally.
- Right. - I'm sorry.
But it's great... it's good that you're doing so well.
Yeah, yeah, no, I am, I am.
I just wanted to make sure that you weren't, you know,
counting the days.
We should catch up.
You know what? I'm super busy at the moment, so...
Another time?
It was really nice to see you.
Yeah, just...
Fuck's sake!
Oh, God.
- You all right, mate? - Hey, you all right?
Hello.
What are you up to?
I'm in an average pub on my own.
- You still up for doing something? - Uh, yeah, that's why I called,
'cos someone's got to celebrate.
Like, do you want to come to mine?
Ooh, getting a tour of the old palace, the old...
... family pile, the old...
... where you live!
I'll text you the address.
All right, bye.
- Oi oi, how's your father? - There she is!
Bring it in for me, love, that's it.
You all right?
Wilkommen!
Didn't know you were posh.
No, parents.
They're at their place in France so I get the run of this.
Drink?
Are they famous or something?
My mum was in Midsomer Murders.
It's my dad, he's in music.
He doesn't play it, he just takes credit for other people, so...
All right, what can I get you, madame?
Um...
... whisky.
That one.
600 quid a bottle.
Or something else is fine.
No, this'll do.
Will your dad not mind?
He won't notice.
Thanks, Howard.
Oh!
Congratulations!
A year is ages.
Cheers.
Yay!
Délicieux !
No, I'm really...
I'm really glad you came.
Me, too.
Are you OK?
Mm...
Charlie?
Yeah, yeah, I'm...
I'm fine.
Thanks.
Oh, come here.
Thanks.
I just... I've just got to...
- Shall I? - No, no, just give me... just give me a second.
Give me a second.
It's OK, we don't have to.
Yeah, we do... come on.
Oh...
Fuck!
Can you just, erm...
can you just go, please?
What?
Can you just get out?
Get OUT!
Oh, how is your vagina?
Are you OK?
You been drinking again?
Yeah, I've been drinking 'cos it's fucking fun.
It doesn't look like fun.
Trampolining is fun, or singing or bank holidays,
- eating cereal straight out of the box... - Sh!
Stop it, Shereen!
STOP!
It was just a quick tidy.
Everything's...
Everything's been a...
I need help, Shereen, or I'm going to spin away.
I don't want to spin away...
You won't, you won't, you won't.
Listen.
You won't, because I'm...
Look, I've got you, OK?
I've got you, come here.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -