1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,520
Hey, have you checked
out the new street view

2
00:00:03,550 --> 00:00:05,400
- on Hampton DeVille Maps?
- No.

3
00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:07,279
It's supposed to be more
detailed than Google Maps.

4
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,319
Really?

5
00:00:10,990 --> 00:00:12,349
Wow.

6
00:00:12,350 --> 00:00:14,859
It takes me all the way
up to my front door.

7
00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:15,960
Hmm.

8
00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:19,960
_

9
00:00:20,910 --> 00:00:22,440
What the hell?

10
00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:24,020
I'm inside my own house.

11
00:00:35,330 --> 00:00:36,780
What?

12
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,200
Oh, my God.

13
00:00:41,450 --> 00:00:43,179
Oh, God.

14
00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,680
Your bathroom is a mess.

15
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:45,990
Please don't tell anybody.

16
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:47,990
Let me check my apartment.

17
00:01:03,450 --> 00:01:04,750
I thought that was a dream.

18
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:07,139
This is a violation of our privacy.

19
00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:10,740
If they can see inside our
apartments, that means...

20
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,009
We can see other people's shit.

21
00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:14,449
Let's check my neighbor Barry.

22
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,019
I know he's up to something.

23
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,360
Oh.

24
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,020
Way to go, Barry.

25
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,040
Whoa!

26
00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:29,479
Oh.

27
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,699
He's got a gun.

28
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,850
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

29
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,540
- Ohh!
- Get out of there!

30
00:01:41,090 --> 00:01:42,520
Whoa!

31
00:01:42,530 --> 00:01:44,159
Hardwood floors. I'm jealous.

32
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,220
I really like what Barry
did with the place.

33
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:04,000
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

34
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:08,019
Hampton DeVille is a
data-driven company,

35
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:11,120
and as you both know, John
and I are total data nerds.

36
00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:12,380
Well, we go nuts for data.

37
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,140
- We're data addicts.
- We get fuck up on data.

38
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,320
We know you both are
data-heads, as well,

39
00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:19,040
which is why you'll be excited
to hear about a clever new way

40
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:21,340
we're collecting data in the office.

41
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,999
We're installing sensors
underneath everyone's desks.

42
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,739
They detect when a workspace is occupied

43
00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,339
and report that data back to us.

44
00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:31,640
I think that feels a little invasive.

45
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:33,050
Don't worry. Data on its own

46
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,800
is just a harmless object,
like a sharp rock.

47
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:38,100
Yeah, or a, um, a gun.

48
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:39,280
Pow!

49
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:40,749
- Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
- Pow! Pow!

50
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,789
Boom!

51
00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:53,080
I don't like the idea
of the company knowing

52
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,290
every time I go to the bathroom.

53
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,100
Oh, the two of you will
not have desk sensors.

54
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,400
I withdraw my objection.

55
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,899
But we do want you to be the
face of this initiative.

56
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:03,839
This is a chance for you to
step into a management role.

57
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,120
Right now your co-workers
see you as friends.

58
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,559
- Yuck.
- This will show them that

59
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,579
you're in charge,

60
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,660
like the boys in blue
or the Man Upstairs.

61
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,609
- And if you get any guff...
- And you will receive guff.

62
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,879
... just remind everyone

63
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,140
that Hampton DeVille is pro-data,

64
00:03:16,150 --> 00:03:18,219
and to be anti-desk sensor is to be...

65
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:21,050
... anti-data and therefore
anti-Hampton DeVille.

66
00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:22,789
And if anyone has any questions,

67
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:24,989
we're happy to have a friendly convo.

68
00:03:24,990 --> 00:03:26,559
- Ooh!
- Yes, Tad?

69
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,929
How long can we be away from our
desks without being punished?

70
00:03:28,930 --> 00:03:31,569
Great question, Tad. No
one is being punished.

71
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,760
We're just collecting data.

72
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,369
But you might want to cut down
on those bathroom breaks,

73
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,400
or you will be punished.

74
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:38,840
What gives you, two cis white men,

75
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:41,160
the right to keep track of every
time I go to the bathroom?

76
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,639
First of all, I'm not white.

77
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,760
I'm Jewish.

78
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,160
And I have walked a very difficult road.

79
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,420
Second, what gives us the right

80
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,180
is we're superiors and above the law.

81
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:52,169
But we're also your friends
and the same as all of you.

82
00:03:52,170 --> 00:03:53,869
Do you two have desk sensors?

83
00:03:53,870 --> 00:03:57,440
Great question, Jessica. No. But...

84
00:03:57,490 --> 00:04:00,159
- We're sorry.
- This is like "1984," right?

85
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,259
- Yeah!
- And you guys are Big Brother.

86
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,959
This is nothing like "1984."

87
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,599
I'll bet you've never even read "1984."

88
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,099
Oh, I've read "1984."

89
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,869
And it was a fucking page-turner.

90
00:04:08,870 --> 00:04:10,140
I loved it.

91
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,100
The point is we're gonna be
watching you at all times.

92
00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:13,309
So think of us as God.

93
00:04:13,310 --> 00:04:16,609
But remember, God loves you so much,

94
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:19,780
and he's still a cool guy
that you can get a beer with

95
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,010
- after work.
- Wrong.

96
00:04:21,020 --> 00:04:23,419
God is bad and vengeful
and doesn't exist.

97
00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,219
Now, you might want to
get back to your desks

98
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:28,620
because those sensors are
turning on right about...

99
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,240
now.

100
00:04:30,790 --> 00:04:32,789
Sorry about this, guys.

101
00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:34,390
It's good, though. This is a good thing.

102
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,350
This is a disaster. Everybody's
already mad at us.

103
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,569
Machiavelli said it's better
to be feared than loved.

104
00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:42,769
Well, I choose love.

105
00:04:42,770 --> 00:04:44,269
Nobody loves or fears you.

106
00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:45,969
People don't think about you at all.

107
00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:47,269
Sure they do.

108
00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:49,539
What do you think
people think about you?

109
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,680
I don't know.

110
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:52,209
Probably that I'm a good person

111
00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:54,249
- who was raised in a loving family.
- Mm-hmm.

112
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,279
That I'm kind and a good listener.

113
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,400
And I'm going places, you know?

114
00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:00,240
This isn't the end of the road for me.

115
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,599
- _
- That I'm wise beyond my years

116
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,089
and still handsome as a teen.

117
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:05,790
And at the end of the day,
I'm just trying my best

118
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,059
because that's all anyone
can do in this crazy world.

119
00:05:09,060 --> 00:05:10,660
Somebody's been keeping a
spreadsheet of every time

120
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,759
I go to the bathroom.

121
00:05:13,670 --> 00:05:14,869
Who shared you on this?

122
00:05:14,870 --> 00:05:16,230
The e-mail didn't say.

123
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,580
But this can't be accurate.

124
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,999
It says you go like 30 times a day.

125
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,400
I have a tiny bladder, okay?

126
00:05:20,410 --> 00:05:22,280
It's a weakness, and I don't
want it to define me.

127
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,620
Tiny bladder, eh?

128
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,040
I wouldn't worry about it.

129
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,209
Your defining characteristic
will always be your huge ass.

130
00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:30,679
Somebody shared Jake on a spreadsheet

131
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,820
of every time he goes pee.

132
00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:33,700
It has to be someone I pass
on the way to the bathroom.

133
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,300
It's probably somebody mad
about the desk sensors.

134
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,300
I've been getting tons of complaints.

135
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,659
Really? Who's been complaining about me?

136
00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:42,300
That's strictly confidential.

137
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,280
But what I can tell you is everyone.

138
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,460
Wait, where are you going?

139
00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:49,060
Where the fuck do you think?

140
00:06:10,340 --> 00:06:12,280
Look out, everybody!

141
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,820
Big Brother's watching!

142
00:06:14,830 --> 00:06:16,189
Baron.

143
00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:17,600
What makes you think it's Baron?

144
00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:19,109
The spreadsheet goes back for months.

145
00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:20,119
Baron's had it out for me

146
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,040
ever since he found out
I had it out for him.

147
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,030
But here's the thing... I
only had it out for him

148
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,869
because he had it out for me.

149
00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,340
- _
- He's on the move.

150
00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:30,320
I've got eyes on him.

151
00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:33,779
Text me the moment he
gets back to his desk.

152
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:35,060
Got it. Sorry.

153
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,580
Matt.

154
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,579
And I'll man the fort here.

155
00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:43,940
Whee!

156
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,400
What the hell is this?

157
00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:03,820
I actually think working
here is more like

158
00:07:03,830 --> 00:07:05,770
"A Brave New World" than "1984."

159
00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,079
It's definitely Kafka-esque.

160
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,009
More like "Fahrenheit 451."

161
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:10,979
- It's a "Catch 22."
- "Animal Farm."

162
00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:12,449
Anything by Philip K. Dick, really.

163
00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:13,900
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

164
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,700
"Harry Potter and the
Prisoner of Azkaban," too.

165
00:07:17,390 --> 00:07:20,840
Well, looks like Big Brother
was eavesdropping on us.

166
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,359
Like "1984," that
page-turner I devoured.

167
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,459
Oh, yeah? What was your favorite part?

168
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:28,959
Uh, I mean, you know,
there's so many cool parts.

169
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,140
It would be hard to just pick one,

170
00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:32,560
but you got to love that twist ending.

171
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,069
What was the twist ending?

172
00:07:34,070 --> 00:07:35,399
Well, I don't want to spoil it.

173
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,080
- We've all read it.
- Then we all know.

174
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,939
And it doesn't need to be said.

175
00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:41,139
We probably should all
go back to our desks.

176
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:42,460
Don't want to get in trouble.

177
00:07:44,710 --> 00:07:46,420
Ow.

178
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,760
_

179
00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:00,759
Oh, my God.

180
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,399
What the hell are you doing
on my computer, Levinson?

181
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,320
I think the real question is

182
00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:08,100
what are you doing on
your computer, Baron?

183
00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:15,460
My Pinterest.

184
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:20,829
I used to think weddings were stupid,

185
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,890
but then I went to my
friend's wedding in Vermont.

186
00:08:22,930 --> 00:08:24,999
Mm. It was fall.

187
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,100
The air smelled of maple.

188
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,569
And the centerpieces were
as vibrant as the foliage.

189
00:08:30,570 --> 00:08:33,439
I mean, it is the 21st century!

190
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,100
We need to start thinking
beyond cake, Jake!

191
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,019
If I even see a chocolate fountain,

192
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:39,240
I just get up and leave because

193
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,160
it's a wedding on a damn cruise ship.

194
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,949
Have you ever seen a
hedgehog be a ring bearer?

195
00:08:42,950 --> 00:08:44,219
Ooh.

196
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:46,619
I did. Messed me up emotionally.

197
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:47,740
But it's what I needed.

198
00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:51,429
And is anyone, like, funner
than a-a drunk aunt?

199
00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:53,660
A drunk great-aunt.

200
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,059
I'll just say one last thing.

201
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:56,600
I think every wedding needs a hora.

202
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,960
The Chosens were correct about that one.

203
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:01,620
I've been single for a year and a half,

204
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,509
but I've become obsessed with weddings.

205
00:09:05,510 --> 00:09:07,109
It's a sickness.

206
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:08,640
But I don't want that to define me,

207
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,479
so I would appreciate your discretion.

208
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,920
I won't tell anyone.

209
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,049
But in exchange,

210
00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:14,700
I need you to stop keeping a spreadsheet

211
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,420
tracking every time I
go to the bathroom.

212
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:17,940
What? I-I'm not doing that.

213
00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:18,990
Why would anybody do that?

214
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,380
I go 35 times a day.

215
00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:22,660
Jesus Christ. Okay.

216
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,340
Um, you... you really should see...

217
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,429
I've seen multiple doctors
and a number of therapists.

218
00:09:26,430 --> 00:09:27,890
I even asked my Rabbi.

219
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,299
Nobody has any answers.

220
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,299
Okay, yeah, I'm... I'm
sorry, but it is not me.

221
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,729
Well, then I need your help
finding out who it is.

222
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:34,800
But first...

223
00:09:40,870 --> 00:09:44,800
Please, please, just tell me
what people are saying about me!

224
00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:46,209
Matt, relax.

225
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,020
People always complain
about their bosses.

226
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,519
I need people to love me.

227
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,020
I'm not like Michael Tevelli.

228
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,020
Well, I also need people to love me.

229
00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:56,000
Specifically, Tad.

230
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,640
Do you know what his deal is?

231
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,689
No. Why?

232
00:09:58,690 --> 00:10:01,579
He just updated his emergency contact,

233
00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:04,000
which suggests a recent break-up.

234
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,879
I've been using the HR
system as a dating app.

235
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:08,940
Whoops.

236
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,700
May I present...

237
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,800
... screen monitoring.

238
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,320
Every computer on the floor is connected

239
00:10:14,350 --> 00:10:15,759
to the Hampton DeVille network.

240
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,720
All it took was a little
password phishing,

241
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:19,120
a bit of mainframe hacking,

242
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:22,020
and a dash of seduction to
get administrator access.

243
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,780
Well, this is a terrifying
look into the depths

244
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,500
- of people's souls.
- I do it all the time.

245
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,780
It's so depressing.

246
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,040
I love it.

247
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,380
Huh. Dierdre's making horse memes.

248
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,820
_

249
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,179
I can do both, easy.

250
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:36,020
- Yeah, me, too. No problem.
- Hmm.

251
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,020
Baron?

252
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,119
Oh! Shit! Jake, I forgot to tell you!

253
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,380
A little late, Matty.

254
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,480
Uh, what are you guys doing?

255
00:10:44,590 --> 00:10:46,060
Well, Jake's gonna use the bathroom

256
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,789
while I watch everyone's screens

257
00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:50,100
to see who's been
updating the spreadsheet.

258
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,020
You guys are spying on
everyone's computers?

259
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,259
That is a total invasion of privacy.

260
00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:55,680
Hey, look, someone's
G-chatting about you.

261
00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:57,120
Show me everything.

262
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,369
All right, by the time I come back,

263
00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,769
we'll know who this goddamn
piss detective is!

264
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:08,900
Did you see who did it?

265
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:11,049
But the spreadsheet still updated?

266
00:11:11,050 --> 00:11:12,310
How is this possible?!

267
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,349
It could be someone on their phone

268
00:11:13,350 --> 00:11:15,149
or maybe a personal laptop.

269
00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:17,140
Ooh, or one of those
fridges that has Internet.

270
00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:18,460
So we've learned nothing.

271
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,080
That's not entirely true.

272
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,559
We learned that Creston's
having trouble adopting.

273
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,459
Who would do this to me?

274
00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,080
Well, it's not Creston.

275
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,540
He's got enough on his plate.

276
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:31,869
Um, Jordy, you know,
Mary... They both hate you.

277
00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:34,100
You know what, it could be
someone from the thread.

278
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,060
What thread?

279
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,960
Oops.

280
00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:41,540
There was never a good time to tell you,

281
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,749
and honestly, I never
was going to tell you.

282
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:49,049
Yeah, there's an e-mail
thread about you.

283
00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:52,060
It's been going on for a while.

284
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:56,120
_

285
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,629
It all started when Matt e-mailed Grace

286
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:05,999
a picture of the two of you
with the caption that read,

287
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,720
"Hey, look, I met Grumpycat."

288
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,760
And then it kind of
snowballed from there.

289
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,930
At this point, I think almost
all of Hampton DeVille

290
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,679
- is on the thread.
- Why is everyone doing this?

291
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,409
Well, at first, I think they
just liked making fun of you.

292
00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:21,260
Now I think they come more
for a sense of community.

293
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,049
And of course, the ass memes.

294
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:26,120
There's over 3,000 replies.

295
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:28,160
And most of them are about my ass.

296
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:30,160
Is it really that big?

297
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,140
Ask Lynn.

298
00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:36,120
How did my mom get on this?

299
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,600
Hey, Paige.

300
00:12:40,601 --> 00:12:42,180
I brought in cupcakes for everyone.

301
00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:44,169
Why?

302
00:12:44,170 --> 00:12:45,810
Just to brighten your day.

303
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,880
Listen, I know everyone's
feeling a little down

304
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,240
about the desk sensors,

305
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:55,410
which you shouldn't because
there's nothing to worry about.

306
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:57,579
But hopefully, these
cupcakes will cheer you up

307
00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:01,789
and remind you that I
always got your back.

308
00:13:01,790 --> 00:13:02,950
Ow!

309
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,040
We've always got your back, too, Matt.

310
00:13:06,690 --> 00:13:09,660
Well, you all deserve a chuckle,

311
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,160
and I'm just happy to provide it.

312
00:13:12,270 --> 00:13:13,460
Ohh!

313
00:13:13,980 --> 00:13:15,730
A-All right, you know what,

314
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:18,600
hit me in the back with a
cupcake once, shame on me.

315
00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:22,160
But hit me in the back with
a cupcake twice... ow!

316
00:13:22,610 --> 00:13:27,079
Okay, you know what, I am your friend,

317
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,079
but I am also your superior.

318
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,879
And so the next person that
throws a cupcake at me

319
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,380
is gonna get in trouble.

320
00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:34,759
Big-time trouble!

321
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,229
Jessica!

322
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:46,240
You Big Brother motherfucker.

323
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,530
Oh!

324
00:13:58,810 --> 00:14:00,180
Tad.

325
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,260
Do not post that!

326
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,780
Tad!

327
00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:08,520
At first, you think
people are just tracking

328
00:14:08,540 --> 00:14:10,639
every time you piss, but then you learn

329
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,339
that everyone's also e-mailing
each other about your huge ass.

330
00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:16,720
These people are savages.

331
00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:19,610
What do we have here?

332
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,560
Maybe we could start a petition

333
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:22,779
and present it to Kate and John

334
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:24,860
and convince them to stop
using the desk sensors.

335
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:26,800
Then everyone will stop talking
about my swimsuit area.

336
00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:28,319
No, Jake.

337
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,490
Macchiato was right.

338
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,760
We have to make these people fear us.

339
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,169
Paige Brisbin and Jessica Carter.

340
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:42,760
Smoking marijuana on company premises?

341
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:43,939
Yeah. Who cares?

342
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,560
Got your confession on tape.

343
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,340
That's a phone. There's no tape.

344
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,439
Got it on film, too.

345
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,709
This is going straight to HR.

346
00:14:51,710 --> 00:14:54,780
Why are you being, like,
such a narc all of a sudden?

347
00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:57,580
'Cause I'm your fucking boss.

348
00:15:12,260 --> 00:15:14,099
Hey, Rachael, I'm starting a petition

349
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,299
to get rid of the desk sensors.

350
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:16,800
Want to be the first to sign?

351
00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:22,279
Hey, Fred. Want to get rid
of those desk sensors?

352
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,420
What's up, Jada?

353
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:32,719
Nice signature, Tina.

354
00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:39,729
Matt, why are you sending
me pictures of employees

355
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,090
smoking weed like you expect
me to do something about it?

356
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,899
I want Paige and Jessica
brought to justice.

357
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:50,860
And in exchange, I will let
you spy on Tad's computer.

358
00:15:51,610 --> 00:15:54,860
I sentence Paige and Jessica to death.

359
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:56,840
Hey, Baron.

360
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:02,479
Glad to see your ass on
our side for a change.

361
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,460
_

362
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,490
_

363
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:10,840
_

364
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,879
Hey, Matt. No cupcakes today?

365
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,519
Hello, Dierdre.

366
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,619
You working hard, or hardly working

367
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,550
'cause you're too busy
making horse memes?

368
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,699
That's right.

369
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,620
I know all about the horse memes.

370
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,759
Luckily for you, I'm a merciful God.

371
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:54,920
But I'm also a vengeful God.

372
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,439
Get you a God who can do both.

373
00:17:06,710 --> 00:17:08,649
I got over 150 signatures.

374
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:09,849
Kate and John probably won't care,

375
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,279
but at least people will know we tried.

376
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,940
You should sign it, too.

377
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:17,819
So you want to make everybody like you.

378
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,959
Meredith Vieira must be
rolling over in his grave.

379
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,329
- Matt.
- Jake,

380
00:17:22,330 --> 00:17:24,680
you're not gonna catch this
piss detective with honey.

381
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:27,000
I really did not mean to coin
the phrase "piss detective."

382
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,699
Well, it's fucking coined!

383
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,940
You want to find the piss detective?

384
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,900
You got to flush them out.

385
00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:37,920
Pssssssssh.

386
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,159
It looks like many of
you have taken issue

387
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,560
with the desk sensors.

388
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:48,240
And listen, as your superiors,

389
00:17:48,290 --> 00:17:51,149
we hear your concerns.

390
00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:53,119
And here's what we think of them.

391
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,470
- Matt!
- Next order of business,

392
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,289
and this is serious...

393
00:17:57,290 --> 00:17:59,920
somebody has been keeping a spreadsheet

394
00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:03,360
of every time Jake goes to the bathroom.

395
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:05,199
And this is very embarrassing for Jake

396
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,160
because he has a tiny child's bladder

397
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,420
and no control over it.

398
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:11,009
That's not entirely true.

399
00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:12,760
It's a fairly big child's bladder.

400
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:15,109
He's sensitive about
it, as he should be.

401
00:18:15,110 --> 00:18:18,200
It's shameful what he does.

402
00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:19,700
So here's what we're gonna do.

403
00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:23,590
Until the piss detective
reveals him or herself...

404
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:25,589
It's the 21st century...

405
00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:29,119
we're going to be keeping track
of everybody's bathroom usage.

406
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,720
No, we are not going to do that.

407
00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:32,960
I'm the piss detective now!

408
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,299
And I am also your boss and God.

409
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:39,029
And you know what?

410
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,199
I haven't read "1983."

411
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,340
But I'm starting to think

412
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,639
that Big Brother was right on the money.

413
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,370
So should we all pee in a cup

414
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:47,839
and bring it to your desk,

415
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,440
oh, Mr. Glorious Piss Detective, sir?

416
00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:52,149
How about you bring it to me

417
00:18:52,150 --> 00:18:54,010
in a decorative mason jar, Baron?

418
00:18:57,020 --> 00:18:58,549
That's right.

419
00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:01,740
Baron here has a secret passion,

420
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,440
and it's very weird.

421
00:19:05,490 --> 00:19:08,559
And I'm going to unveil it.

422
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,760
Matt, no.

423
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:14,739
Yes! Whoo!

424
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:15,749
Yeah!

425
00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:18,039
Jake! I order you to stop!

426
00:19:19,410 --> 00:19:22,170
- No.
- Go, go, go!

427
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:23,379
Get down from there!

428
00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:25,279
Vivian! Everyone stop!

429
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,260
Aah! Tad!

430
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,780
So, we have received some
very interesting data

431
00:19:31,790 --> 00:19:32,849
on the two of you.

432
00:19:32,850 --> 00:19:34,779
Jake, you have destroyed
company property,

433
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:37,520
and, Matt, we received an
anonymous tip from Baron

434
00:19:37,530 --> 00:19:39,400
that you have been spying on
people's computer screens.

435
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,359
And claiming that you're a vengeful God?

436
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,360
Which is just weird
because God is great.

437
00:19:46,370 --> 00:19:48,779
God is good. Let us thank
Him for our food. Amen.

438
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:49,790
- Amen.
- Amen.

439
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:52,660
- Amen.
- So, based on this new data,

440
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,909
we're gonna make some changes.

441
00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:57,550
We're excited to announce
that the desk-sensor program

442
00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,479
has been officially terminated!

443
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,379
- We did it!
- Thank you!

444
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:02,549
Very nice!

445
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:04,260
Next order of business.

446
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,520
Um, we're sad to announce the start

447
00:20:06,530 --> 00:20:08,790
of the screen-monitoring program.

448
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:12,880
Fuck you!

449
00:20:14,230 --> 00:20:16,659
Hey, whatever happened
between you and Tad?

450
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:19,399
Oh, I looked into his house
on Hampton DeVille Maps,

451
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,529
and his bathroom is a mess.

452
00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:23,200
- Mm.
- So, that's that.

453
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,260
That's tough.

454
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,700
Is the spreadsheet still updating

455
00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:26,900
whenever you go to the bathroom?

456
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,170
Yeah. I have no idea who's doing it.

457
00:20:29,180 --> 00:20:30,609
I guess I'll never know.

458
00:20:30,610 --> 00:20:33,000
Just one of many things
that'll haunt me forever.

459
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,549
Wait, did we share Jake
on the spreadsheet?

460
00:20:37,550 --> 00:20:39,849
I thought we just sent it to the thread.

461
00:20:39,850 --> 00:20:40,919
Whoopsy daisy.

462
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,889
Do you ever think we went too far

463
00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:45,219
putting those cameras in the bathroom?

464
00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:47,659
No. We were just collecting data.

465
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:50,380
- I mean, we are certified data addicts.
- We're data nuts.

466
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,980
- And we're coo-coo for data puffs.
- Coo-coo! Coo-coo!

467
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,240
I'll take a Machiavelli.

468
00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:56,770
Double shot.

469
00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:59,700
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

470
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,680
Pow! Pow!

471
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:03,720
Take it in the knees. Whop! Whop!

472
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:04,920
Whop! Whop!

473
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,790
Musket. Tamp it down.

474
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:07,999
All you motherfuckers.

475
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,440
- Boom!
- Boom!

476
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:12,670
Ooh, kickback.