Hi, I'm Marnie.
And...
... I think I'm a sex addict.
Even as I was saying it, I knew I was probably in the wrong place.
Just to get you up to speed,
that's me telling a room full of strangers
how I'm such a horny bastard I can lose an entire day
thinking about milking my mum. Yes!
Fingering a horse...
... or getting teabagged by my dentist.
And that's them thinking,
"You're not a sex addict, you're a danger to society."
Cut to...
Thanks, love.
Would anyone else like to share?
Yeah.
I'm Charlie.
Porn addict.
And I've been sober for nearly a year.
This guy, though. He's the real deal.
He actually gets off on the shit he thinks about.
- They love him! - I went to this phone shop
and I remembered that's how it starts.
I remembered how it feels.
He's had some wanks in some very interesting places.
The things his penis has seen.
Predominantly the inside of his hand.
And you want it.
You need it, so, so you chase it.
You'll do anything to get it.
That, right there, that is why I don't belong here.
I don't want anything to do with the shit I think about.
Ooh, hang on, he's getting to the climax.
And then you come and it's like all your thoughts,
all your fucking amazing thoughts, being
sucked into your brain and exploding.
It feels incredible.
You feel like you're finally you.
That's the problem, I don't know what me feels like.
Oh, hey.
I'm not a sex addict, am I?
Yeah, no, you're not a sex addict.
Everyone's gone for a cuppa.
Think I'll give it a miss, thanks.
What are you doing now?
Um...
... it was nice of you to wait, but...
... I don't really feel like being around people after that.
All right, big head, I wasn't waiting for you.
- I was waiting for her. Hey, Lynn. - Hi, Charlie.
She runs Introduction To Felting,
the ancient craft of transforming wool fibres into textile material.
Oh, so, like, the opposite of porn?
That's why I'm doing it.
My therapist said it's avoidance, but then I made him a felt replica
of his dog and he loved it.
You should come.
Um... I don't know.
I'm not chatting you up.
No, I know you weren't.
I mean, obviously, why would you?
- Are you coming, Charlie? - Yes. And, um, so's she.
Oh.
At least when I'm a mumbling, crazy woman
roaming the streets of London,
I'll be able to felt my own clothes out of dead rats.
- Lovely work, Charlie! - Thank you.
Not a natural crafter either?
Don't know what I am.
Quite shit at felting?
Maybe because I'm not a menopausal woman?
Fuck off!
I do activities to keep me busy,
alternative entertainment helps.
And the group, obviously.
It's cool that you've found your people.
Must be a group for people with sexy thoughts.
They're not sexy, they're disgusting.
What, so it's...
... pretty intense in your head?
Yep.
What's happening now?
You just want to perv.
Take more than a saucy anecdote to get me off, trust me.
20 minutes thinking about the colour of Lynn's pubic hair.
Yeah, well, I mean, who isn't?
And then, another ten wondering why I'm thinking that.
And then, what if I ripped off her pubes and felted that?
Come on, you amateur.
You're not layering your tufts.
- Looks like a hippy's merkin. - Eugh!
Give it to your mum, they love that shit.
I moved to London to stop my parents finding out I'm a perv.
I'm not sending them a snazzy pubic wig in the post.
But, it's art!
And some art's shit.
Do you want to go for a drink?
- I should go... - Yeah, no, sorry...
- Bit intense. - No, no, no, I don't drink.
Yeah, not good for the head and all that.
- Yeah, sorry. Oh, I sound really desperate. - No, no, you don't. You don't.
We should, um...
- We should stay in touch or something. - Yeah?
Yeah.
It's just...
... other than this guy I vomited on and this woman
I really offended, you're the only person I've met in London.
Stop it, you flirt!
What did you do to her?
Ah, something sexual.
Well, rule 101 of porn and sex addict support, make amends.
Make amends?
I'm not a porn or a sex addict.
What the fuck am I?
I don't belong in a group, not even felting.
Well, let's make our own one.
Just be you and me, so, less chairs to put away at the end.
- I'm not chatting you up. - Stop chatting me up!
I wouldn't know what to do with you.
Making amends is an essential part of recovery.
Yes!
Wait, this is the 21st-century.
People don't make amends in person, that's creepy.
Nope. I'll just send an e-mail.
Do you want me to make you some breakfast? I don't mind.
No, I'm going out, I think.
Oh, was it a mad one last night?
Are you on a come-down?
It was really PG, actually.
- You meet anyone interesting? - Yeah, I did, this guy.
If you ever need to borrow my bed, just say,
because you won't fit a man in that cupboard.
It's really more of a friends thing.
Oh, right, with benefits.
Sexual intercourse, running errands!
No, like, someone I can talk to about stuff.
You can talk to me about anything.
OK.
So?
Maybe not just yet, because I've got this interview thing.
Oh, same. A load of women called Karen
are coming in to try and impress me.
Well, wait a minute, I'll come with you.
I wish I was like her.
She is who she is and she doesn't give a fuck what people think of her.
I give too many.
So, big interview, how are you feeling?
Fine. Excited.
I see this a lot in HR.
- What? - Simmering panic.
- Yeah, your face, it's shaking. - No, it's not.
Well, if you need any tips for anxiety, I'm your gal.
I was a very nervous child.
I used to chew holes in all my clothes,
Mother thought we had a moth problem.
I know what you should do.
Just picture everybody naked.
Story of my life.
Well, right now, it's more of a harrowing tale.
Hello.
Doesn't equal...
Can you just, just one moment...
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hi.
- Can you just come over here for a moment? - OK.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I know this is really weird of me, but I can explain.
- Go on, then. - OK.
So, the gay thing first. Yeah...
... when I said you weren't my type...
... it's 'cos I like people who are a bit more masculine.
Are you saying you tried to get with me 'cos I look masculine?
- Or you didn't, 'cos I don't? - The second one.
And when I say masculine, I mean...
... so, they're actually men.
- Not women. - You're a fanny tourist.
- If that's what it's called. - Yeah, it is.
I'm really sorry.
People confuse me.
And I've got this thing in my head that I thought would unconfuse me,
so I had to do it, and... that was you.
You know, this isn't Love Island, you just can't do that to people.
Yeah, I know.
There must be something wrong with me.
Right, is that it?
Because I've an article to write on bi-curiosity.
There's something else, also.
Is that intern offer still a thing?
- Or... - You want to work here?
You said you needed interns.
- I know what I did was fucked up. - Yeah.
I don't normally do things as fucked up as that.
Well, recently, I do, but that wasn't me.
This is me.
Hello!
I know you probably think I'm just some random Scottish person
- that you met at the club. - Yeah.
But, if you gave me a chance,
I would try really hard not to fuck it up,
like I've fucked up our previous interactions.
I'll do anything.
Nothing sexual, though, 'cos I'm a professional!
Sorry.
One day.
What, seriously?
Yeah, we could actually do with the help today.
And, for the love of God, if anyone asks,
- I found you on LinkedIn! - OK.
Oh, this is fucked up, don't fuck this up.
I won't, I promise.
- Are you going to come with me? - Yeah, mm-hm, yeah, yeah.
Right, we'll set you up here.
- Cindy's on holidays again. - Cool.
Ignore these.
These are freebies, she's not like some sort of sexual deviant.
- Do you know how to use a landline? - Uhh...
Hello! Yep.
Right, well, I have shit to do so can you just answer the phones
- and try to be normal? - Yeah.
Thanks again for this.
If you want me to be normal,
then maybe don't seat me at a desk covered in genitals.
That's not normal.
Hi!
Just, ah... yeah.
Morning, colleague.
I'm Marnie.
Yeah, we met. You're the one who...
Oh, no, just, maybe we could forget about that,
- because of the Amber thing. - OK.
Hello, stranger.
Nice to meet you.
- For the first time ever. - Can you not?
Yeah, I won't.
Does anyone want tea?
That's you, the tea.
Oh, yeah, sure.
You better ask people what they want
'cos Yorkshire and one isn't good enough for some people.
I'll have one, though.
- Can you do... ? - Tea! Yeah, I'm on it.
Spring/summer content, how this year's number one styles are...
... bullshit!
I'm not wearing waders as shoes
just 'cos some designer twat's been fishing.
So, how's sobriety?
Er, pros...
Whose was the green tea?
Pros, cheap, glowing skin, clarity of thought...
- Who's the green tea? - which is...
Er, it's kind of like grieving.
- There's a stage one, which is regret... - That's jasmine.
- What the fuck am I doing? - Oh, wait, this is the green tea!
Sorry, can you just put those down so we can...
- Yeah, sorry. - Thanks.
Can you just sit there?
Sorry, Amber, you were saying?
Oh, sorry.
Stage two, you got smugness, "My skin is like marble."
Stage three, arrogance, "I could do this for life."
And stage four, you got glee,
"I cannot wait for a fucking drink tonight!"
But at least with sobriety you can remember all your sexual conquests.
That's the problem.
I'm actually thinking celibacy for my next piece,
because the mad scatter-gun approach to having sex
is too much of an effort.
Yeah, everyone, sorry, this is...
It's Marnie.
... Marnie.
So, tell us about yourself.
Hi, I'm Marnie.
And, uh...
What are you, get the fuck off the table!
Get off the...
... ah!
Uh...
I'm a 24-year-old woman...
... currently living in London.
Did anyone see Newsnight last night?
Does everyone think I'm basic?
Should you be talking to me?
All I could say was age, sex, location, that's kind of basic,
like I'm a dead body.
How can you be basic with Pantone 292C vomit?
Which is still there, by the way.
I think I saw a tomato plant growing out of it this morning.
Eugh! You should call the council.
Or, a fox.
Do I want that?
I can't remember what I decided.
- Came to see how it's getting on? - Good, yeah.
Very clean.
- What are you up to tonight? - Nothing.
Hanging out with the girl I live with.
We have this drinks thing after, for some investors.
Can you stick around for it?
Yeah.
RSVP!
You can go now, just come back around seven.
Great.
_
Hey, come here!
- Don't you have a job? - No, sabbatical.
Why are we in a medical library?
Alumni. Get my money's worth.
And my yin class was cancelled.
- If I don't keep busy, I just fap. - Fap?
- Onomatopoeic term for masturbating. - Shh!
I was doing some research for you,
to help you with what you are.
Thanks, but I don't need you to mansplain something
that's been going on in my brain for the last ten years.
No, no, I wouldn't. I know...
you know yourself, and you've just met me.
But I want to help you with your...
... head.
And I won't be mansplaining, I'll just be reading.
- All right? - Fine.
But if the NHS can't tell me,
then an unqualified man with a book isn't going to.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder.
You're welcome.
I don't have OCD.
- Wait! Just hear me out. - Shh!
OCD is a psychiatric disorder characterised
by obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions.
I'm really untidy, I don't wash my hands for long enough
and I always leave the house with tealights accidentally burning.
And I don't care because they're little and they just go out!
Obsessions manifest as recurring, intrusive thoughts,
which are disturbing thoughts, images or ideas.
Compulsions are the actions sufferers carry out to relieve
the anxiety they cause.
Liking wine, moving to London,
and gate-crashing random support groups are not compulsions,
- they're subtle cries for help. - Shh!
No talking!
- Sorry, we're going. - Typical obsessive things include...
- We're going! I'm sorry. - Contamination, illness, and...
- Come on, Charlie! - Sufferers also obsess
about violence, murder, blasphemy and sex.
What?
Sexual obsessions can include doubts over deviant behaviours,
but also, unfaithfulness or suitability of one's partner
- or sexual orientation. - That sounds like me.
What if I sinned?
What if I don't really love my partner?
What if I feel sexual love for a parent?
What if I assaulted someone?
What if I'm infected? What if I'm sexually attracted to animals?
What if my entire personal identity is wrong?
Give me this.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Fuck!
Charlie, it's OCD!
I've got OCD!
Told you, kiddo.
- Fuck! Fuck! - Shh!
Fuck!
Yesterday, that would have been a bollock flying at my head.
Today, it's just an unwashed Pink Lady.
I am sick in the head, and there are thousands of other people
just as fucked up as me.
I'm finally part of a community.
Hey! Babe, I said seven.
It's only half past. Sorry, I didn't know it was a bang on seven thing,
- I didn't... - I wanted you to help set up.
And you're meant to be pouring that into folks' glasses,
not down your throat.
Oh, my God, shit, I...
I didn't know it was work, I thought it was social. I'm so sorry.
It's fine, maybe I wasn't clear.
Just keep people topped up, all right?
- Yes, I was actually a waitress... - Brilliant!
There you go. Enjoy.
- Marnie! - I'm just going to dump these
- and I'll be back with the wine. - No, babe, come have a rest.
But, our aim over the next few quarters is to really expand
our male-targeted content.
I mean, we're doing our bit.
Obviously, token male.
Uh, hello.
And investing in new talent, is another important one.
Hi!
Marnie is doing some work experience for us.
Yep.
Experiencing the work!
She's not from here. Are you?
I'm from Scotland.
Whereabouts? I wouldn't know it.
Because it's in Scotland.
Just this tiny place no-one's heard of,
people drive straight through it to get to somewhere better.
Unless they've got to stop in the lay-by to vom
or do dogging or something.
I wouldn't.
Stop, I mean, not do dogging.
I wouldn't do dogging either, though.
Unless it's a toss-up between that and getting out the car.
Ooh, toss-up!
Because it's dogging?
I'm just going to do these.
She certainly has a unique perspective!
There you are.
Thought you'd change your mind halfway through again and run off,
and I was like, "Ooh, can't take the rejection."
Nope, still here. Glasses.
Cleaner will do them.
I don't mind.
Well, everyone's bailed, 'cos it's a school night.
And I have to get Steph home, because she had white wine
and she shouldn't.
Thanks for tonight.
Thanks for letting me in.
That was good work today.
Was it, though?
- See you tomorrow. - See you!
Wait... what?
Yes!
Hi.
There's a button on the side.
- What? - You've got to press the button.
Ha.
Amber's gone if you're waiting for her.
I wasn't.
Uber, Mamood, 4.9 stars.
I wanted to get you alone, actually.
Not in a creepy way.
To say thanks for the whole vom sit.
I'm glad it was you and not a sex offender.
Me, too.
I stayed in London because of you.
Not because of you, but because of what you said.
About people not giving a shit.
So, thanks.
- How are you getting home? - I'm just going to Tube it.
I'll come with you.
What about your Uber?
It's cancelled.
Not bad for a day's work.
I can still count my friends on one hand,
but at least I know why I sometimes picture that hand fisting them.
Life is good.
Or, at least, not as shit as it has been.
- Sorry! - It's fine.
The next station is Finsbury Park.
The doors will open on the right-hand side.
Change for the Piccadilly line and National Rail Services.
Fuck!
No, no, no.
No, stop!
Oh, God!
Fuck!
It's not me, it's not me.
It's not me, it's my OCD.
It's not me.
It's my OCD.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
Wow, I actually am OK.
Oh, hello.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -