1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:04,344 When I was a child, my mother had a rule... 2 00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:08,576 only one cookie from the cookie jar per day. 3 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:11,745 Thing was, I loved cookies. 4 00:00:11,844 --> 00:00:16,382 I'd lie, cry, beg, and scream until she would relent. 5 00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,719 She could never say no. 6 00:00:18,818 --> 00:00:21,888 When I was 11, her stepbrother crashed his car 7 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:25,893 while driving drunk so my mother gave him hers. 8 00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:30,097 So she had to walk to work... four miles each way. 9 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,467 One morning she stopped to admire a beautiful deer 10 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,069 standing in a field, 11 00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:37,704 and that's when a mid-sized sedan careened 12 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,640 onto the sidewalk and crushed her. 13 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:43,509 Turned out the driver of the car was her stepbrother, 14 00:00:43,609 --> 00:00:45,780 drunk yet again on light beer. 15 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,449 My mother spent months in the hospital recovering, 16 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,649 unable to work. 17 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,017 Desperate for cash, 18 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:55,997 we sold everything except for this cookie jar. 19 00:00:56,496 --> 00:00:58,372 Cookie? 20 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,466 Sure. 21 00:01:01,597 --> 00:01:02,951 Thank you. 22 00:01:03,039 --> 00:01:04,075 For later. 23 00:01:04,138 --> 00:01:06,949 No, thank you. 24 00:01:07,004 --> 00:01:12,572 As an accountant, it's my job to keep the lid on the cookie jar, 25 00:01:12,876 --> 00:01:15,945 which brings us to the expense report 26 00:01:16,046 --> 00:01:19,683 from your recent business trip to Los Angeles. 27 00:01:19,784 --> 00:01:22,653 What I need for you to answer me is this... 28 00:01:22,752 --> 00:01:25,487 how did four Hampton DeVille employees 29 00:01:25,588 --> 00:01:27,157 in the course of one dinner 30 00:01:27,258 --> 00:01:31,428 at Marcus Sombrero's Mexican Bar & Grille 31 00:01:31,528 --> 00:01:35,699 manage to drink 16 margaritas? 32 00:01:39,169 --> 00:01:40,271 Mm. 33 00:01:52,838 --> 00:01:58,697 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 34 00:01:59,222 --> 00:02:01,323 You were in Los Angeles for three days 35 00:02:01,424 --> 00:02:05,162 to attend BusinessCon, correct? 36 00:02:05,261 --> 00:02:06,729 Yes. We were sent 37 00:02:06,830 --> 00:02:09,199 to represent Hampton DeVille at BusinessCon. 38 00:02:09,299 --> 00:02:10,734 It's an orgy of meaningless handshakes 39 00:02:10,833 --> 00:02:13,270 and empty promises tinged with lies and desperation. 40 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:15,305 Honestly, it was electric. 41 00:02:15,406 --> 00:02:17,141 I got my own lanyard and badge. 42 00:02:17,241 --> 00:02:18,775 It was Matt's first BusinessCon. 43 00:02:18,874 --> 00:02:22,746 The first two days you stayed well within your per diem limit. 44 00:02:22,845 --> 00:02:25,015 I pride myself in sticking to a per diem. 45 00:02:25,115 --> 00:02:26,483 But on the third day, 46 00:02:26,582 --> 00:02:30,048 things got a little out of control, didn't they? 47 00:02:30,119 --> 00:02:32,916 You went $47 over the limit. 48 00:02:33,016 --> 00:02:35,318 Let's start at the beginning of the day. 49 00:02:35,417 --> 00:02:40,422 You spent $23.40 at Cassie's Coffee Cart. 50 00:02:40,522 --> 00:02:41,457 - Large coffee. - Ah! 51 00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:42,725 - Oh, sorry, Kate. - Mm. 52 00:02:42,793 --> 00:02:44,780 - Do you have samples of the scone? - John? 53 00:02:44,843 --> 00:02:46,529 Kate, one moment please, I'm talking scones. 54 00:02:46,629 --> 00:02:48,096 I'll have a coffee in the largest size you offer 55 00:02:48,196 --> 00:02:50,599 and also a Snickers bar in the largest size you offer. 56 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,736 I felt like the mother of three children. 57 00:02:52,836 --> 00:02:55,005 No woman should have to experience that. 58 00:02:55,105 --> 00:02:57,440 I will, in fact, do the pound cake. 59 00:02:57,540 --> 00:02:59,242 How many pounds are in a pound cake? 60 00:02:59,342 --> 00:03:01,510 John, just make a decision. 61 00:03:03,746 --> 00:03:05,081 Cheese Danish. 62 00:03:05,181 --> 00:03:08,149 I deeply regret not getting the scone. 63 00:03:08,249 --> 00:03:09,485 It's so obvious now. 64 00:03:09,586 --> 00:03:12,522 Then there is a four-and-a-half-hour gap 65 00:03:12,622 --> 00:03:14,756 between breakfast and lunch. 66 00:03:14,857 --> 00:03:16,825 What happened at that time? 67 00:03:16,926 --> 00:03:18,862 Well, we just... I don't know, networked. 68 00:03:18,962 --> 00:03:20,229 You know how it goes at these things. 69 00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:24,200 Actually, I don't get to go to conventions. 70 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,403 - Enlighten me. - Okay. 71 00:03:26,503 --> 00:03:28,071 We walk up to people and we say... 72 00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:30,506 Hi, I work at Hampton DeVille, where do you work? 73 00:03:30,606 --> 00:03:31,907 Oh, wow, that's impressive. 74 00:03:32,008 --> 00:03:33,843 Maybe we should definitely do business some day. 75 00:03:33,943 --> 00:03:35,778 What do you? You work in user experience. 76 00:03:35,878 --> 00:03:37,880 I definitely know what that is, and I think it's incredible. 77 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,083 Let's definitely stay in touch. I'm desperate to stay in touch. 78 00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:41,818 Please don't ever stop staying in touch with me. 79 00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,919 Oh, look, we've been talking for 35 minutes. 80 00:03:44,018 --> 00:03:45,355 Whoops, there goes my life. 81 00:03:45,455 --> 00:03:46,821 Anyway, I have to go. 82 00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:48,657 I have 10 more of these exact same conversations. 83 00:03:48,758 --> 00:03:50,559 Here's my business card. Let me give you my card. 84 00:03:50,659 --> 00:03:52,060 Here's a card. Card. Card. Card. 85 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,629 Card. Card. Card. Card. Card. Card. Card. 86 00:03:54,730 --> 00:03:57,200 - Ping me. - Okay, I get the picture. 87 00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:00,403 After lunch, we went to the keynote speech 88 00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:03,539 by Amanda Calhoun, also knows as... 89 00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:05,074 Mrs. Cowboy! 90 00:04:05,173 --> 00:04:07,242 Howdy, BusinessCon. 91 00:04:08,611 --> 00:04:10,546 Y'all ready to talk agriculture? 92 00:04:10,646 --> 00:04:12,080 Yeah! 93 00:04:12,181 --> 00:04:14,550 Did y'all hear that my little ol' company 94 00:04:14,649 --> 00:04:19,287 took in $18 billion in revenue last year? 95 00:04:19,387 --> 00:04:22,392 I don't need to tell you what that is in horse dollars. 96 00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:25,995 Her speech was, in a word... 97 00:04:26,094 --> 00:04:27,929 Bullshit. She just kept reiterating 98 00:04:28,029 --> 00:04:29,131 that she's successful because... 99 00:04:29,231 --> 00:04:30,433 I'm a straight shooter, 100 00:04:30,532 --> 00:04:32,667 and I only do business with other straight shooters. 101 00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:34,203 Which doesn't even mean anything. 102 00:04:34,303 --> 00:04:36,839 The most successful people say nothing but convince 103 00:04:36,938 --> 00:04:38,440 people it means everything. 104 00:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,743 Shoot straight, be great. 105 00:04:40,842 --> 00:04:43,078 Oh, yeah. 106 00:04:43,178 --> 00:04:44,914 So these cowboys are on stage and they're shooting 107 00:04:45,013 --> 00:04:47,015 t-shirts out of a cannon, and I want one. 108 00:04:47,116 --> 00:04:50,051 Nothing like a big ol' gun, right? 109 00:04:50,152 --> 00:04:51,654 Oh, yeah. 110 00:04:51,753 --> 00:04:54,189 - Oh, fuck! - Fuck! 111 00:04:54,289 --> 00:04:55,791 Yeah! 112 00:04:55,892 --> 00:04:57,193 Matt's a fucking maniac. 113 00:04:57,293 --> 00:04:58,828 After the convention, it was dinnertime. 114 00:04:58,928 --> 00:05:00,296 Everyone I've ever met has told me, 115 00:05:00,395 --> 00:05:02,030 "You've got to get the sushi when you go to L.A." 116 00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:03,899 You're supposed to eat tacos when you're in L.A. 117 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,469 I go, "Guys, I can't handle anything spicy 118 00:05:06,568 --> 00:05:08,136 or raw or authentic". 119 00:05:08,236 --> 00:05:12,842 The only place we could all agree on was Marcus Sombrero's. 120 00:05:12,942 --> 00:05:15,145 And because I spent the whole day 121 00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:16,179 keeping us under budget, 122 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:18,647 we had enough per diem left to splurge. 123 00:05:18,746 --> 00:05:20,984 Yes, one round of margaritas 124 00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:23,786 would have kept you well within your per diem limit, 125 00:05:23,885 --> 00:05:26,188 so what happened? 126 00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:30,325 To representing Hampton DeVille at BusinessCon. 127 00:05:30,426 --> 00:05:32,895 To Hampton DeVille. 128 00:05:32,995 --> 00:05:37,566 Y'all say you were from Hampton DeVille? 129 00:05:37,666 --> 00:05:38,868 It was Mrs. Cowboy. 130 00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,235 At Marcus Sombrero's. 131 00:05:40,335 --> 00:05:42,604 I would direct a porn starring my parents 132 00:05:42,705 --> 00:05:45,074 for 1% of her fortune. 133 00:05:45,173 --> 00:05:46,474 Mrs. Cowboy! 134 00:05:46,575 --> 00:05:50,746 Um, Hampton DeVille would love to buy you a margarita. 135 00:05:50,846 --> 00:05:52,381 Don't mind if I do. 136 00:05:52,481 --> 00:05:56,185 What we didn't know is that Mrs. Cowboy loves margaritas. 137 00:05:56,284 --> 00:05:57,820 Mm! 138 00:05:57,919 --> 00:06:00,522 I ain't happy if I ain't slurpin' a 'rita. 139 00:06:00,623 --> 00:06:01,724 Yeah. You know that. 140 00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:03,091 Another round, please. 141 00:06:03,193 --> 00:06:05,827 It became apparent that she was an alcoholic. 142 00:06:05,928 --> 00:06:08,331 Hey, water boy, I ain't drinkin' alone. 143 00:06:08,431 --> 00:06:10,265 She sucked those 'ritas down like they were 144 00:06:10,366 --> 00:06:12,635 the last 'ritas on Earth. 145 00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:14,604 Y'all better catch up to me. 146 00:06:14,704 --> 00:06:16,272 My mom always said, 147 00:06:16,371 --> 00:06:17,539 "Don't drink too much," 148 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,707 but Mrs. Cowboy's mom didn't say that. 149 00:06:19,808 --> 00:06:22,277 Now, as representatives of Hampton DeVille, 150 00:06:22,378 --> 00:06:26,015 we believe that a partnership would be mutually beneficial. 151 00:06:26,114 --> 00:06:30,519 So, you got her good and drunk and gave her the pitch. 152 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,188 What did she say? 153 00:06:32,287 --> 00:06:34,689 She said... 154 00:06:34,789 --> 00:06:36,159 No. 155 00:06:36,258 --> 00:06:39,928 And then she got in her truck and drove off. 156 00:06:40,029 --> 00:06:41,764 You let her drive drunk? 157 00:06:41,863 --> 00:06:42,965 Yes, absolutely. 158 00:06:43,065 --> 00:06:44,399 There was no stopping Mrs. Cowboy. 159 00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,269 In the moment, it can be hard to say something, 160 00:06:46,368 --> 00:06:48,238 but I got to do better. 161 00:06:48,337 --> 00:06:49,972 We ordered all those margaritas 162 00:06:50,072 --> 00:06:51,673 because we were trying to court business 163 00:06:51,774 --> 00:06:52,909 for Hampton DeVille. 164 00:06:53,008 --> 00:06:54,575 That's why we went over the per diem. 165 00:06:54,676 --> 00:06:56,044 That's all there is to know. 166 00:06:56,145 --> 00:06:57,981 Well, I'll just corroborate these details 167 00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,714 with Mrs. Cowboy, and assuming everything 168 00:06:59,815 --> 00:07:01,817 checks out, this case will be closed. 169 00:07:01,916 --> 00:07:03,385 You're gonna bother a billionaire 170 00:07:03,484 --> 00:07:07,088 whose business we're trying to court over a lousy $47? 171 00:07:07,188 --> 00:07:09,524 I am just performing due diligence. 172 00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:12,896 Oh, right, because someone has to keep the cookie jar's lid on 173 00:07:12,996 --> 00:07:14,729 because your mother got hit by a deer or whatever. 174 00:07:14,830 --> 00:07:17,532 So fine, okay, just be my guest, fine, good. 175 00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,201 Go for it. 176 00:07:21,137 --> 00:07:24,841 Yes, hello, I am calling to corroborate an alleged drinks 177 00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:26,575 meeting between Mrs. Cowboy 178 00:07:26,676 --> 00:07:31,247 and four Hampton DeVille employees during BusinessCon. 179 00:07:31,346 --> 00:07:33,815 I'm sorry, we don't give out that information. 180 00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:38,321 All right. 181 00:08:01,277 --> 00:08:03,880 Thank you for coming back in. 182 00:08:03,979 --> 00:08:06,381 I had a very interesting conversation 183 00:08:06,481 --> 00:08:07,784 with Mrs. Cowboy. 184 00:08:07,883 --> 00:08:09,684 And now I would like to give you a chance 185 00:08:09,784 --> 00:08:12,354 to tell me what really happened. 186 00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:15,258 The truth this time. 187 00:08:15,358 --> 00:08:17,260 I think I'll take that cookie now. 188 00:08:21,414 --> 00:08:23,966 So let me guess, Mrs. Cowboy claims she never met us. 189 00:08:24,065 --> 00:08:25,066 Of course. 190 00:08:25,166 --> 00:08:26,635 Okay. 191 00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:29,137 The truth had to come out sooner or later. 192 00:08:29,238 --> 00:08:30,272 Here goes. 193 00:08:30,372 --> 00:08:31,774 Mrs. Cowboy did decline 194 00:08:31,873 --> 00:08:33,941 our business proposal... 195 00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:35,344 No. 196 00:08:35,445 --> 00:08:40,214 I only talk business in the privacy of my own property. 197 00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:42,652 So we all jumped in the truck 198 00:08:42,752 --> 00:08:44,786 to go talk business at the ranch. 199 00:08:44,811 --> 00:08:47,680 So she did drive drunk. 200 00:08:47,785 --> 00:08:49,186 Super drunk. 201 00:08:49,286 --> 00:08:50,587 How was her driving? 202 00:08:50,687 --> 00:08:52,321 Not good. 203 00:09:01,964 --> 00:09:03,899 Good evening, madam. 204 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:07,371 Fetch us some 'ritas, Zack. 205 00:09:07,470 --> 00:09:08,671 Wait, wait, wait. 206 00:09:08,772 --> 00:09:10,907 So there was an English butler 207 00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:12,876 at her California ranch. 208 00:09:12,975 --> 00:09:15,111 Well, I think she had an idea of what a butler 209 00:09:15,211 --> 00:09:17,380 was like in her head and that's who she got. 210 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,049 And his name was Zack? 211 00:09:20,150 --> 00:09:22,253 Hmm. I guess you're right. 212 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,521 You don't hear of a lot of butlers named Zack. 213 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,990 So I'm up in my huntin' stand and I ain't seen hide 214 00:09:28,091 --> 00:09:30,927 nor hair of anything all morning, 215 00:09:31,027 --> 00:09:33,930 and I was gettin' a little antsy. 216 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:38,502 So I decided to rub one out. 217 00:09:38,602 --> 00:09:42,306 Twiddle my turkey. 218 00:09:42,406 --> 00:09:44,575 Rustle my rabbit. 219 00:09:44,675 --> 00:09:48,412 Grind my gator. You asked. 220 00:09:48,512 --> 00:09:50,013 So I'm getting close, 221 00:09:50,113 --> 00:09:53,350 and just when I'm about to climax, 222 00:09:53,450 --> 00:09:58,821 a 16-point buck walks straight across my eyeline. 223 00:09:58,921 --> 00:10:00,990 So I'm faced with a quandary... 224 00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:04,994 shoot the buck or finish what I started. 225 00:10:05,094 --> 00:10:08,898 So I start blowin' my damn wad, 226 00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:11,601 take aim, and shoot that buck dead, 227 00:10:11,701 --> 00:10:13,369 right between the eyes. 228 00:10:14,937 --> 00:10:18,074 Best orgasm in 2007. 229 00:10:18,175 --> 00:10:20,344 Fuck. 230 00:10:22,745 --> 00:10:25,882 You know, business partnership ain't worth a bucket of spit 231 00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:28,752 if you can't trust the folks you work with. 232 00:10:28,852 --> 00:10:30,754 In order to gain that trust, 233 00:10:30,854 --> 00:10:32,984 you got to build intimacy. 234 00:10:34,325 --> 00:10:36,469 So we're gonna play a little game. 235 00:10:37,285 --> 00:10:41,910 A little game I like to call "Kiss the butler". 236 00:10:41,964 --> 00:10:43,527 - Kiss the butler. - Kiss the butler. 237 00:10:43,590 --> 00:10:46,020 A little game called "Kiss the butler". 238 00:10:47,937 --> 00:10:50,340 So did you kiss him? 239 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,210 ? People see us everywhere ? 240 00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:58,081 ? They think you really care ? 241 00:10:58,181 --> 00:11:02,152 ? But myself I can't deceive ? 242 00:11:02,252 --> 00:11:08,888 ? I know if someone make believe ? 243 00:11:11,829 --> 00:11:12,997 Matt was really going for it. 244 00:11:13,096 --> 00:11:14,563 No one told him he had to use tongue. 245 00:11:14,663 --> 00:11:17,885 To me, it's not a real kiss unless it's a France kiss. 246 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,637 ? My one and only prayer ? 247 00:11:21,738 --> 00:11:24,241 ? Is that someday you care ? 248 00:11:24,340 --> 00:11:27,543 ? My hopes, my dreams come true ? 249 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,413 ? My one and only you ? 250 00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:31,947 I can't. 251 00:11:32,047 --> 00:11:34,150 I made a vow to my fucking wife. 252 00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:35,352 Unh-unh. 253 00:11:35,451 --> 00:11:38,320 I want to see that pretty little mouth go to work. 254 00:11:38,421 --> 00:11:39,522 Go on now. 255 00:11:39,623 --> 00:11:41,590 ? Someday you'll care for me ? 256 00:11:41,691 --> 00:11:46,196 ? But it's only make believe ? 257 00:11:46,296 --> 00:11:50,700 The point is, we did this all for Hampton DeVille. 258 00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:52,103 Right. 259 00:11:55,037 --> 00:11:56,940 How dare you kiss anyone but me? 260 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,443 I hired a butler not a whore. 261 00:12:01,311 --> 00:12:04,381 All right, all right, all right. 262 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,815 Let's talk business. 263 00:12:05,916 --> 00:12:09,320 And I only talk business in my business barn. 264 00:12:11,187 --> 00:12:14,590 The thing about me is, I'm a straight shooter. 265 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,460 And I only do business with other straight shooters. 266 00:12:17,561 --> 00:12:21,598 Oh, I assure you, we all shoot straight here, 267 00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:22,832 don't we? 268 00:12:22,932 --> 00:12:24,634 Well, I'm gonna need you to prove it. 269 00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:25,735 Not a problem. 270 00:12:25,835 --> 00:12:27,637 Is there a target? 271 00:12:27,737 --> 00:12:29,406 The target... 272 00:12:29,506 --> 00:12:31,174 Is this 'rita glass. 273 00:12:31,275 --> 00:12:35,445 All you gotta do is shoot it off the tippy-top 274 00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:37,714 of my butler's head. 275 00:12:37,814 --> 00:12:39,216 One shot each. 276 00:12:39,315 --> 00:12:40,450 Giddy up! 277 00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:47,623 What are you gonna do? 278 00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:49,759 I missed on purpose. 279 00:12:54,631 --> 00:12:55,766 Whoo! 280 00:12:55,865 --> 00:12:57,133 I shouldn't be shooting guns at butlers 281 00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:58,935 just because my co-workers are. 282 00:12:59,036 --> 00:13:00,503 It's 2019. 283 00:13:04,841 --> 00:13:06,242 Goddamn it. 284 00:13:06,343 --> 00:13:07,945 That hurts, huh, scarecrow? 285 00:13:08,045 --> 00:13:10,280 Unfamiliar gun. If I had a second shot, 286 00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:12,267 I totally would have hit it. 287 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,927 Oh, looks like you could use 288 00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:17,320 some help there, pretty mouth. 289 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:21,157 - Yeah. - All you gotta do is cock it. 290 00:13:22,692 --> 00:13:24,493 And squeeze the trigger 291 00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:27,998 like a ripe summer peach. 292 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:32,636 It's plump and juicy. 293 00:13:32,735 --> 00:13:34,170 Now squeeze it! 294 00:13:36,576 --> 00:13:37,764 Yes! 295 00:13:41,511 --> 00:13:44,914 Y'all are straight shooters after all. 296 00:13:45,014 --> 00:13:46,883 Looks like we're in business. 297 00:13:51,554 --> 00:13:52,822 Zack! 298 00:13:52,921 --> 00:13:55,591 - You shot him! - Oh, my God, he's dead! 299 00:13:55,691 --> 00:13:56,594 It had to be done. 300 00:13:56,694 --> 00:13:57,995 He was a whore. 301 00:13:58,094 --> 00:14:00,096 It was all right when he kissed my house guests, 302 00:14:00,196 --> 00:14:03,599 but my business partners... unh-unh. 303 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,502 No, ma'am. 304 00:14:05,602 --> 00:14:08,592 Now we're gonna play another little game. 305 00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:11,077 A little game I like to call... 306 00:14:11,152 --> 00:14:12,936 "Bury the butler". 307 00:14:13,006 --> 00:14:16,879 Okay. Just to summarize where we are in the story, 308 00:14:16,979 --> 00:14:20,249 you allowed a billionaire to drive drunk... 309 00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:21,250 Super drunk. 310 00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:24,854 ...and then you "France" kissed 311 00:14:24,955 --> 00:14:26,422 her English butler... 312 00:14:26,522 --> 00:14:27,389 Zack. 313 00:14:27,489 --> 00:14:29,859 ...and then murdered him in a barn. 314 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,061 No, Mrs. Cowboy murdered him. 315 00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:35,699 Right. Which brings us to... 316 00:14:35,798 --> 00:14:37,444 The butler graveyard. 317 00:14:39,168 --> 00:14:41,271 This was not her first dead butler. 318 00:14:41,372 --> 00:14:44,875 Yeah, a little up there. 319 00:14:44,974 --> 00:14:46,911 Okay, now up there to the right. 320 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,751 Good. Really good job. 321 00:14:49,821 --> 00:14:52,649 ? My hopes, my dreams come true ? 322 00:14:52,688 --> 00:14:55,618 ? My one and only you ? 323 00:14:55,718 --> 00:14:58,622 ? No one will ever know ? 324 00:14:58,721 --> 00:15:02,057 ? How much I love you so ? 325 00:15:02,158 --> 00:15:04,593 I always bury my butlers nude. 326 00:15:04,694 --> 00:15:07,964 As he first came to me, so shall he leave. 327 00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:14,136 Not bad for a bunch of city slickers. 328 00:15:14,237 --> 00:15:16,940 Of course now we've got a new problem. 329 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:19,776 You've done buried my butler. 330 00:15:19,876 --> 00:15:21,345 Looks like I need a new butler. 331 00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:23,446 Not a problem, Mrs. Cowboy. 332 00:15:23,546 --> 00:15:27,216 We can start interviewing new candidates as soon as tomorrow. 333 00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:29,218 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, 334 00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:35,025 I already got my sights set on a daisy of a candidate. 335 00:15:35,124 --> 00:15:37,059 Put it on, pretty mouth. 336 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,195 Mrs. Cowboy, no. 337 00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:41,575 I said, "Put it on," butler! 338 00:15:41,637 --> 00:15:43,499 And the next time you address me, 339 00:15:43,599 --> 00:15:46,269 you'd better have an English accent. 340 00:15:46,369 --> 00:15:49,004 Yes, madam. 341 00:15:49,105 --> 00:15:50,873 Come on now. 342 00:15:50,974 --> 00:15:52,242 Oh, yeah. 343 00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:54,743 From the moment I saw that pretty little mouth, 344 00:15:54,844 --> 00:15:56,755 I knew I'd make you my butler. 345 00:15:56,810 --> 00:15:57,802 Really? 346 00:15:57,865 --> 00:16:00,270 Now it's time for my favorite game. 347 00:16:00,341 --> 00:16:03,219 A little game I like to call 348 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,589 "Have unprotected sex with the..." 349 00:16:06,690 --> 00:16:07,825 Run! 350 00:16:22,808 --> 00:16:24,677 Hey! 351 00:16:25,011 --> 00:16:26,799 Butler! 352 00:16:35,752 --> 00:16:38,856 So of course Mrs. Cowboy denies our story, 353 00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:40,889 she's trying to cover up a murder. 354 00:16:40,989 --> 00:16:43,625 I was almost forced into sexual slavery. 355 00:16:43,725 --> 00:16:46,095 - Did you call the police? - We couldn't. 356 00:16:46,195 --> 00:16:47,663 Everyone of us had given that butler a kiss. 357 00:16:47,763 --> 00:16:50,198 The inside of Zack's mouth was teeming with my DNA. 358 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,434 How do you think it would look 359 00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:53,069 if four Hampton DeVille employees 360 00:16:53,170 --> 00:16:55,205 were involved in an erotic murder? 361 00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:57,107 We did what we had to for the sake of the company. 362 00:16:57,206 --> 00:16:58,440 And if you really have 363 00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:00,110 Hampton DeVille's best interest at heart, 364 00:17:00,210 --> 00:17:02,312 you will approve that expense report 365 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:06,216 and we will never speak of this again. 366 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:10,019 Well, I guess that's all the questions I have. 367 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,423 Thank you for your time. 368 00:17:13,456 --> 00:17:16,193 Nate, could you come in here please? 369 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,194 Could you turn that in? 370 00:17:19,295 --> 00:17:21,431 - It's approved. - Absolutely. 371 00:17:21,530 --> 00:17:23,198 By the way, the itemized bill from their hotel 372 00:17:23,298 --> 00:17:24,933 just came through, still want to see it? 373 00:17:25,035 --> 00:17:26,803 Oh, just leave it on my desk. 374 00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:28,604 Cookie? 375 00:17:28,704 --> 00:17:30,773 No, thanks. 376 00:17:39,181 --> 00:17:47,656 ? But it's only make believe ? 377 00:17:52,394 --> 00:17:55,664 Please explain how someone from one of your hotel rooms 378 00:17:55,765 --> 00:17:59,169 ordered "Akeelah and the Bee" at 9:45 P.M. 379 00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:01,738 when you were supposedly at Mrs. Cowboy's, 380 00:18:01,837 --> 00:18:03,706 burying an English butler. 381 00:18:08,979 --> 00:18:12,716 There never was a business proposal, was there? 382 00:18:12,815 --> 00:18:17,287 You never even met Mrs. Cowboy, did you? 383 00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,655 Okay, you want the truth? 384 00:18:19,756 --> 00:18:24,827 The truth is Matt told us the margaritas were bottomless! 385 00:18:24,928 --> 00:18:27,563 I'm gonna fire you tonight if you don't watch it, buster. 386 00:18:28,432 --> 00:18:29,580 Something's not right. 387 00:18:29,681 --> 00:18:31,383 This bill is way too high. 388 00:18:31,460 --> 00:18:33,461 Are we over the per diem? 389 00:18:33,585 --> 00:18:35,554 Matt, you idiot! 390 00:18:35,685 --> 00:18:37,954 The margaritas were not bottomless. 391 00:18:38,049 --> 00:18:40,494 We've been charged for 16 margaritas. 392 00:18:40,572 --> 00:18:42,054 - Jesus. - What? Really? 393 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:46,191 Oh, it was the chips that were bottomless. 394 00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:48,693 - Oh, that's my woopsy daisy. - Oh, my God. 395 00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:50,049 It's okay, we'll pay for it ourselves. 396 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,064 No! I have given my heart 397 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:55,348 and my soul and my 20s and my 30s to Hampton DeVille, 398 00:18:55,457 --> 00:18:58,157 and I have never once gone over my per diem. 399 00:18:58,228 --> 00:19:01,967 We are expensing this. 400 00:19:03,334 --> 00:19:08,939 Sometimes it takes 16 margaritas for 4 co-workers 401 00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:10,874 to have a good time. 402 00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,244 But you know what, 403 00:19:12,343 --> 00:19:17,481 if this is so important to you, 404 00:19:17,582 --> 00:19:18,483 take it! 405 00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:19,617 Are you happy now, 406 00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:21,017 you miserable narc? 407 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,069 Where do you even get a $50 bill anymore? 408 00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:24,756 Did you go inside a bank? 409 00:19:24,855 --> 00:19:28,959 You know, executives aren't the only ones who like to have fun. 410 00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:30,429 I like to drink margaritas 411 00:19:30,499 --> 00:19:32,879 and order dumb kids movies on demand. 412 00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:34,082 Hey, "Akeelah and the Bee" 413 00:19:34,152 --> 00:19:35,691 is a sophisticated film for all ages. 414 00:19:35,754 --> 00:19:36,723 Matt. 415 00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:38,737 You know, I wanted to go to AccountingCon. 416 00:19:38,836 --> 00:19:42,105 I did. But they said, "No, we don't have the money". 417 00:19:42,206 --> 00:19:43,842 And I said, "You're lying. 418 00:19:43,941 --> 00:19:45,043 You do have the money". 419 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,344 I should know, I'm the accountant. 420 00:19:47,445 --> 00:19:49,614 I even offered to put myself up. 421 00:19:49,714 --> 00:19:51,083 Can you believe that? 422 00:19:51,182 --> 00:19:55,685 I baked those fuckers Christmas cookies. 423 00:19:55,786 --> 00:19:57,487 I'm sorry. 424 00:19:57,589 --> 00:19:58,957 I'm sorry. 425 00:19:59,056 --> 00:20:01,659 It's becoming clear to me that I'm not mad at you, 426 00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:03,760 I'm mad at Hampton DeVille. 427 00:20:03,861 --> 00:20:05,497 So, whatever. 428 00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:11,002 I'll just push this through and we can all go home. 429 00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:16,207 Wait. 430 00:20:16,306 --> 00:20:20,178 Why don't we all go to Marcus Sombrero's? 431 00:20:20,277 --> 00:20:21,979 - Really? - I'll buy you a margarita. 432 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,148 You know, they're bottomless. 433 00:20:23,247 --> 00:20:25,949 Oh! It's the chips. 434 00:20:26,049 --> 00:20:28,785 I really didn't have any plans for tonight. 435 00:20:28,887 --> 00:20:31,089 Ooh, tonight? Um... 436 00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:33,891 Sorry, school night. 437 00:20:33,990 --> 00:20:34,991 This weekend. 438 00:20:35,093 --> 00:20:36,231 My cat needs me at home anytime 439 00:20:36,309 --> 00:20:37,661 I'm not physically at work. 440 00:20:37,762 --> 00:20:40,653 Yeah. And for me, it's... 441 00:20:40,832 --> 00:20:43,168 Ping me. 442 00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:46,571 I'm gonna hang on to this for later. 443 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,564 You know, if there's one thing that we learned 444 00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:52,856 from Mrs. Cowboy, it's that... 445 00:20:52,943 --> 00:20:54,408 Matt, we never spoke to Mrs. Cowboy. 446 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,887 - Oh! - That's right, it's the chips. 447 00:21:09,856 --> 00:21:11,242 Beyoncé! 448 00:21:11,285 --> 00:21:12,653 Whoo! 449 00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:14,507 Jesus. Fuck.