Checking in with us today?
Okay, Miss Cutler.
Looks like we have you in one of our signature suites.
Will you be needing one room key or two?
One's fine.
All right.
Are any of these popular disc jockeys
worthy of playing our wedding?
DJ Duchess?
DJ Squirt-Squirt? Brian?
Who cares?
We could put a blonde wig and a Givenchy shirt on an iPhone
and no one would know the difference.
The DJ will be the first person
to introduce us as a married couple.
Do you really want to hand that responsibility
to DJ Thugtastic?
Nock Nock? Who's Nock Nock?
And how does he have six million views?
I think this is trash?
But is it "garbage trash" or, like,
"trash that ends up in a museum" trash?
No, no. It's rubbish.
- Right? - Right.
I mean, he's just some Ox'd-out redneck
rapping behind an Arby's or something.
- Again? - Yes, please.
Well, we have had a shockingly productive morning.
We have booked our cake tasting,
finalized booze selections,
low-balled our officiant, and tonight,
we have an appointment with our florist.
We got a florist?
- This wedding's about to be classy as fuck.
Right. Time to head off to write.
I mustn't keep the muse waiting.
Yes, hurry up. Wouldn't want to lose the table near the outlet.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Come on.
You're a reg at a coffee shop
with a reg outlet and reg writing hours.
Plus, running point on all this wedding shit...
You've just become this, like, stable-ass dude alla sudden.
Stable?
Yeah, I always thought the whole point of being a writer
was so that you could drink all night in dive bars
and challenge other writers to fist fights and die hella early.
But not you, Jimmy.
You, sir, are a VGB:
- A very good boy. - I'm not a...
I am the opposite of a good boy.
I may have experienced a marked level of success
as of late, but that doesn't change the fact
that Jimmy Shive-Overly
is and will always be, unassailably,
without question, a bad, bad boy.
Name one thing that makes you a bad boy.
I have a raging foot fetish.
Foot fetishes are the applesauce of fetishes.
Bad boy fetishes are like
you can only get turned on if your dick's on fire.
What are you still doing here? You're gonna lose your outlet.
Jimmy thinks he's a bad boy.
What... what gives Edgar the right to weigh in on this?
Jimmy, Edgar has killed people.
What is more bad boy than that?
It's good.
Everyone knows you don't marry the bad boy.
You bang him until he gets caught knocking over
a tattoo shop he lost in a dice game.
But marry him? No way.
That is what I have you for.
Is that sunblock?
Good boy.
credits
That was the mustard.
Not my butt.
You can eat in the meeting, Gretchen.
I mean, usually people don't eat at these things,
but, do you. All right,
time to pitch me new clients.
Go.
Still on pace for 28 pages today, Jimmy?
No, actually.
I'm just winging it today.
Who cares about page goals?
You, bruh?
You asked me to "shame you mightily"
if you don't make your page goal every day. You good, fam?
Yeah, I'm completely good, fam.
It's just that my fiancée
accused me of being a good boy.
Preposterous.
That is decaf, right?
Just... I don't want the afternoon jitters.
Mind watching my stuff while I hit the bathroom?
Yeah! Yeah!
Thanks.
His music is fantastic.
His brand is ripe for developing.
And his numbers speak for themselves.
When I saw Young Bludgeon a few years ago,
I felt he was talented, but derivative of Lil Uzi Vert,
which is to say I am not interested in this at all,
and neither should you be.
Thanks for that complete waste of time, Shayna.
Gretchen.
Well, two words for you.
Actually, one word, twice.
Also, not spelled the way you'd think.
Anyway,
Nock... Nock.
Who's there?
Yes, exactly. Nock Nock is there.
Nock Nock is a trailer park rapper
who only raps about drugs and his mom. And eating pussy.
- Very fresh talent. - Pull him up on the screen.
We can do that later.
Anybody heard of him?
Well, how 'bout we all get to know Nock Nock today?
All of us? Today?
Watch every video, listen to every song.
Comb through his online presence to see
if you brought us someone who's worth our time.
Rony really vouched for you on this promotion,
so I am looking forward to seeing what the hype...
is about.
Meeting's done.
Did you hear that?
No. You know what else I don't hear?
The sound of me jizzing yet.
- You guys banging? - Aah!
Noice!
Sweet balls, E.
Ew! You two.
Get a room.
I am in my... sheet room.
Linds, grateful you're letting us crash,
but we can only kill so much time at the 99 Cents Store.
It's fun, but then a huge bummer all of a sudden.
Really sneaks up on you.
Yo, what are you guys getting up to the rest of the day?
Ew! Get off! Go back to your couch.
Don't forget, Paul will be over soon
to do the insemination procedure.
Paul's gonna come in a cup, and we're gonna put that in her vag.
Bec, Tiny People, Big House is on.
- Okay, babe. - This week
- on Tiny People, Big Houses, - Ooh!
Kathy and Mark
Have difficulties with their reimagined...
How are we living in a world
where Becca loves her husband now?
And how is that world living inside my apartment?
I need to find someone.
Soon.
You and I hang out all the time.
We do sex all the time.
I want a "feeds me cheese balls"
type of love.
No.
You didn't catch feels, did you?
We promised we'd kill the other if that happened.
Do I need to get my stabbing knife out?
No. No feels.
But...
I don't know, what if we tried?
Explain your words.
What if, like, we do what we're doing now
but we moved it to a restaurant and...
you know, gave catching feelings a shot?
We do bone good.
That's, like, 90% of a relationship.
Let's do it!
Let's go on a...
da...
DayQuil?: No, that's not a word.
What's the word for a no-sex dinner?
A date.
Ew.
That's it. A date.
Lindsay, you're gonna want to stay out of your
underwear drawer for a bit. Tallulah's
taking a nap in there, and she may or may not have
sharted all over your thongs.
No, she totally did.
This is the guy?
Yeah, right.
-Aah! -Yvette would like to get drinks with you tonight,
off-campus. I'll be in touch with your office.
Like, a fun drinks, so...
One street hot dog, please, vendor.
Why are you littering?
Because I'm a bad boy.
Do we need to find a grown-up?
What are you, five?
Who calls adults "grown-ups"?
Piss off, you meddling street urchins.
Excuse me, grown-up.
We need help.
- I know, tell me about it. - I did not even
tell you about our trip to Montana.
Yeah, no, truly majestic.
Big Sky Country. Like, so humbling.
- _ - I found myself. Best part was, though, Lexi got sick
on the second night, so I was just out there
bagging townies left and right.
_
Yeah, I know, it's like, if you don't
want to lose your pension, then don't invest it
in the first place, Grandma.
Yeah.
Right? Yeah.
Hold on, dude, I got to hit this sick crosswalk.
Um, so, anyway, the reason I'm calling is,
are you still dealing Molly?
We love to entertain, so...
How you doin' in there, buddy?
Fine.
Give me a minute.
kitchen that overlooks the large living room.
Yes, I do love to cook in it.
You'd think my reproductive anatomy
would more than cooperate,
considering I've refrained from any emissions
in two fortnights.
Damn! Great work, Paul.
It's like a full side of ranch.
It's wondrous to think that of the 400 million-odd
sperm you're holding, one mighty swimmer
might become my future child.
How powerful is this moment?
I'm up-squirting the specimen
into the medical baster.
Now I'm inserting the medical baster
into the vaginal canal.
Relax, honey.
Almost done, Paul.
All right.
You can come out now.
May I?
Implant, dear offspring.
Father cannot wait to meet you.
I can't believe it's been four months and no fetus.
My last sperm test revealed I had historic motility.
It's my "offish" doctor's opinion this is absolutely,
- possibly the one. - And if not,
there's always next month.
Do you need a pen to write the check or...
Becca! This is a sacred moment.
You mind scribblin' that five thou to "cash"?
Bec and I could really use the walkin' around money.
Question.
How did you get hired in the first place?
Look, I know.
I was just a coked-out assistant
who spent most of her time hooking up with industry guys
and stealing iPod Shuffles from swag bags.
But then Rick was decapitated in that Jet Ski accident,
and, suddenly, I got a promotion I never asked for.
And now, here I am, three years later,
getting married, pretending to be a real publicist
in my big office, which, yeah, I stole.
Which triggered another promotion I didn't ask for.
And I am a total fraud, okay?
All I do is lie and manipulate my clients
into doing what I want them to do.
You just described being a publicist.
Yeah, anyways, thanks for doing this off-campus
to let me save face.
Say bye to Toilet for me.
Sit.
God, you remind me so much of me.
It's true. I was just
some rich girl who liked to fuck musicians.
- Really? - Yes.
I didn't take this job seriously, either.
Until one day I woke up and decided I wanted
to be good at something other than
avoiding being good at anything.
The only thing I'm good at is faking it.
I get that you need to think that's true,
but I have news for you.
When you weren't looking, Gretchen,
you actually became good.
Can you imagine how unstoppable you would be
if you actually tried?
Bad mom?
You're lucky.
Hello, florist.
Please, enter so that I may select centerpieces...
A manly endeavor if ever there was one.
Do you have anything a bit more dangerous and badass?
No. Pick one of these.
You only just plunked them annoyedly on the table
a second ago.
Well, daisies are for schoolchildren.
Succulents are for anorexic Instagram girls.
Is that just a bowl of sticks?
These are really quite different, aren't they?
One is white hydrangeas and white calla lilies.
The other is all white hydrangeas.
Well, the subtle difference speaks volumes.
Can you hurry? I have somewhere to be.
Okay, yep. Um...
-well, hydrangeas and calla lilies it is. -Great.
That's the deposit amount,
and I need a sig there and the check.
Then I can get the hell out of here.
You really shouldn't talk to your customers this way.
You seriously want to argue about my attitude,
or do you want to tell your fiancée
that you got this done for her?
Ha! Joke's on you. My fiancée
doesn't give a shit about this.
Sorry.
Most wedding people
are total assholes.
I get pre-defensive.
Pre-defensive is my natural state.
What are you so late for, anyway?
Going to a show.
What kind of show?
So...
- What was that? - What was what?
- You said something.
I-I-I didn't say anything. You did.
Okay. Never mind.
This food is taking forever.
Isn't it taking forever?
We haven't ordered yet.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I mean...
funny, I thought we had.
How's the gym?
I haven't worked there for over a year.
Really?
I'm just...
- I'm gonna hit the men's room. - Okay, cool. Cool.
We're so good with our clothes off.
- What happened? - I don't know.
Hey.
You deserve to find love, Lindsay.
If I don't find someone soon, I'm gonna end up alone.
Like, "Mr. Rogers begging children
to be his neighbor" alone.
I guess having Jimmy and Gretchen
about to tie the knot is freaking me out.
You know, maybe us hooking up
has held you back from finding it.
As much as I'd hate to give up quality D,
I need to create space for love in my heart.
And my puss.
And I want that for you.
Great sex, bud.
Real horny.
Crap, that was mine.
Thank you.
So, let's talk Nock Nock.
- We're flying him in for a signing meeting next week.
- Wait, but everyone hated him. - But you liked him.
I couldn't stop watching him. That doesn't mean I liked him.
In a moment of panic, you pulled him out of your brain.
I'll go with instinct every time in this business.
I am definitely gonna screw this up.
Well, don't tell me that. Jesus.
We had our little heart-to-heart.
We experienced some growth, right?
I'm invested in you now.
Nock Nock is all you, baby girl.
Don't fuck this up.
I won't.
That was crazy. How the hell
did you survive that body slam?
I feel... incredible!
The rage. The electricity.
The devotion of your entire physical being
to the communal goal of feeding
an endless vortex of violence is...
the most asinine thing
that I have ever done in my life.
To think that I wasted even a millisecond
worrying about whether I'm a quote-unquote
"bad boy" when being bad
is so cheap.
It's an empty goal for the stupid
that achieves nothing substantive.
Whereas my predictability
has afforded me a life that I love,
an incredible fiancée who's the reason
that I'm having this epiphany in the first place.
I mean, maybe the true mark of a bad boy
is knowing that you can be bad
but having the strength
to not have to prove it all the time...
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