What is it about morning boners?
Yeah, it's not the boner.
It's that my haunches are fresh and rested.
Like when you take a thoroughbred to the track
first thing in the morning, fastest time of the day.
What?
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. Jimmy, I think it's time.
No. No, not today.
- You promised me you would do this. - I don't feel good.
Is that the message you want to give your bride, Jimmy?
That you're not willing to do something
that is extremely, extremely
important to me?
Fine. I'll taste my come.
Yay!
What do you think, Jimmy? Do you hate it? Is it gross?
Do you think it's gross, Jimmy? What do you think, Jimmy?
It's like... salty fruit glue.
Exactly.
Oh.
My Lyft is here. I'm gonna hop in the shower.
What? They're not gonna just wait for you.
You tell them you're in a wheelchair.
Then they legally have to wait as long as you want.
Wait, have you just been Lyfting everywhere
since you wrecked your car?
I can't drive, Jimmy.
Every time I close my eyes,
I see that cement mixer bearing down on me.
You faked it, you psychopath.
Oh.
Whoa. I'm starting to believe my own lies.
Oh, my God! You love it!
No! No, I do not.
What? You're lapping it up like it's soft serve.
I-I...
I was making sure that it just tasted as weird
as I thought it did.
You just Oliver'd your own come.
"Please, sir, may I have some more?"
You said it was important to you!
When I was watching, not on your own,
like some come-hungry jizz-goblin.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
_
Brilliant,
absolutely brilliant.
Gretchen, something amazing's happened!
What? You come back for thirds?
What?
Library card. I just got a library card.
Not exactly amazing news,
but you're on a come high. I've been there.
What?
How's someone in a wheelchair supposed to walk to their ride?
Come on, Jimmy, think.
Lindsay, you have your own office.
I do? Awesome. Does it have a sex toilet?
Here's your breakfast, Ms. Cottumaccio.
Hmm. Apparently, I have an office,
so I'll need some supplies.
Uh, kitty posters with inspiring quotes,
finger paints, a sex toilet, popcorn machine, etcets.
Who are you?
He's my new assistant.
I'm actually your assistant.
I have an assistant?
Dismissed.
So, what do Sam and the boys think about me
being their whatchamacallit, paleontologist?
Publicist.
I haven't told them yet. Sam takes rejection really hard.
Mm, we should do it someplace fun to soften the blow,
like the beach or a rub 'n tug.
Good idea. But I have to do it alone.
Meanwhile, you need to focus
and learn how to actually do the job.
Fine, but for the record,
I really only took this gig to be closer to you,
since you're ditching me to become a stupid wife.
Literally nothing will change
except that my debt will be on the J-dog
and the beejays will slow to a trickle
because... come on.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm. I'm glad you called me.
You're not the only person to make a foolish purchase
upon receiving their first big check.
Why, when I received my first
stout remittance,
I went absolutely cuckoo
and purchased a 20,000-piece puzzle of the Eye of the Sahara.
That was a decadent three weeks.
Anyway, the puzzle we're focused on today
is called, "Jimmy's financial future."
Yeah, I was really just thinking about,
like, opening a CD or something.
Jimmy. You're asking for flank steak
when I'm about to offer you dry-aged Wagyu.
$700,000 is a robust start.
Assuming a continued upward career trajectory,
you'll be part of the one percent in no time.
Can you imagine? Me?
A one-percenter.
Cabins in Aspen,
golf with corrupt politicians, an embarrassing car collection
kept in some Van Nuysian airport hangar.
Now you're getting it.
I mean, I've always felt elite.
You know, when Gretchen said that she...
Oh, dear. Does Gretchen know about the money?
Not-not yet, but...
- Quick, give me a dollar. - What? Why?
Just do it!
Okay.
Phew. We've now established confidentiality.
Do you know about Gretchen's debt?
Yeah, but how do you?
She's tried to open countless credit cards in my name.
Gretchen's what we call an S.D., a Super Dependent,
like Rob Kardashian, or a dog whose back legs don't work.
Are you saying that I should never tell Gretchen
- about the money? - As someone who believes
in complete honesty between romantic partners,
I would say hiding something like this is not recommended.
- Yeah. - As your financial advisor,
I would say, "What money?"
Well, back to the office.
- Edgar. - Jimmy.
It's my abuelita.
She's sick, Jimmy.
Why are you telling me?
I can't help her. I don't have any money.
Oh. Thank God you believed me.
I just need an excuse to get out of work because yesterday
Paul F. Tompkins made me drink two liters of split pea soup.
But also, geez, loud and clear.
Edgar. I was just picking up breakfast.
I hope you like cronuts.
Oh. That's right, you don't.
Maybe you'll have a few anyway?
Oh, that's actually what I was calling about.
It's... my... grandma.
She's really sick.
We-we don't know how much longer she has.
So I can't come in to work.
Oh, my gosh, I had no idea.
Take as much time as you need.
Oh, thank you.
Please. And let us know if there's anything we can do.
I will.
Well, he seems like a monster.
Gosh, maybe I've just been too sensitive.
I mean, a good fireworks display does make you cry.
So, yeah, probably.
Hmm.
Ugh, what's wrong with you?
- Have you seen Vernon? - I try not to.
Oh, Jimmy. I'm so worried about him.
With the embarrassment of his medical license
being suspended and losing the house,
not to mention Tallulah's eye really going downhill,
he's a wreck.
He left this morning without his phone or his wallet, Jimmy.
Becca, trust me. Vernon is far, far too stupid
to be suicidal.
Really? I hope you're right.
Could I take a shower? Lindsay's water got shut off.
- Two minutes, but purely for hygiene. - Mm-hmm.
No sighing in relief and no steam.
Debase me, Jimmy, like old times.
I'm at rock bottom.
Use my body so that I might feel something.
Uh, while I do find Alcoholic Housewife Cosette
to be a good look for you,
I'm gonna have to issue a hard pass.
Please, just hold me, then.
Ah. Jesus, woman.
Let's not snot up the linens now.
Gotcha.
Oh.
Paul told me you're loaded.
And if you don't slice me off a hunk of that cheddar,
then this photo goes straight to your precious little fiancée.
Checkmate, asswipe.
That's your big play?
Please, she'd think it's hilarious.
I'll do it! I swear I will!
By contrast, a good play would be,
just off the top of my head,
my declaration that if you don't pay me $500...
...I'll send this picture
to that horrid mother of yours so she'll know
that her own daughter lied to her
about having a vaginal birth.
I will Venmo you.
Look at me! I'm flying, bitches.
Stop flapping your arms. You're gonna hurt someone.
I'm Honey Nutz!
Who's ready for the piñata?
- Oh, me first! - Oh, yeah. Wait, I'll take that.
- Give me that stick. - Isn't this great?
- Aren't you guys having fun? - Hmm.
I'm sorry.
I know you told me not to say anything,
but we need to talk about Honey Nutz.
What is there to talk about?
There's a clown.
Wh-Where is Zachary?
I don't know anyone named Zachary.
He says hi.
I can't believe you rebooted Honey Nutz.
Bitch, do you know how much time
I spent building that character?
You think I'd give that up
just 'cause Honey Nutz One aged out?
This is weird, right?
So, uh, anyways, did I tell you guys about my promotion?
Wh-What's wrong?
This is precisely how my parents
told me they were getting divorced.
They thought it wouldn't hurt as much over mini golf.
Now every time I see a windmill, I throw up.
That's why I can never go to the Netherlands.
Come on.
Gretchen wouldn't throw us a carnival to give us bad news.
She's not a monster.
Guys, this is good news.
- You're dumping us. - I'm not dumping you.
So we can still call you whenever?
Absolutely.
You just call your new point person,
and they'll loop me in if it's an emergency.
And who is our new point person?
Lindsay. Isn't that amazing?
I knew it! You're abandoning us.
Bitch! I hate you!
Your work has long been subpar, but this still stings.
All right, Edgar.
I need to ask your advice on something.
Hold it.
Hold that thought.
Hello, Mr. Tompkins.
Edgar, there's the face I wanted to time with.
Any update on Abuelita?
Sadly, yes.
She's taken a turn for the worse.
That's curious.
Because she looks just fine to me.
Um, I'm sorry, can... can you repeat that?
I said your abuelita looks just fine to me. See?
Hola, mi tesoro.
Your friend Paul... He's so nice.
It's a miracle, right?
One minute she's taking a turn for the worse,
the next she's headed to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
with the nicest guy in comedy.
We're getting waffles with chicken, Edgar.
So, since she's had this miraculous recovery,
I guess you can make it into the office after all.
Don't eat before. We'll order in.
So, I got this huge check.
And you know the saying:
"mo' money, mo' issues with which to contend."
If I tell Gretchen,
then it will naturally change our power dynamics.
I will be perceived
as an authority figure, and then Gretchen will resist
because she hates authority.
I mean, I don't want to be
The Man in our relationship.
Oh, that last part came out weird.
You did just hear that Paul F. Tompkins
kidnapped my grandmother, right?
To be fair, I believe I started talking before the call.
Besides, a comedian taking your grandmother out to dinner
does not sound like a problem.
I have a problem. I am incredibly rich.
Jimmy, I have to apologize for Bec's behavior.
That was gross and inexcusable.
Yeah, I agree. Your wife is gross,
and there's no excuse for it.
Ever since I was born dead, people... life...
Have seemed ruled purely by chaos.
But losing everything
has finally allowed me to slow down,
and I can see there's an order to everything.
Becca's the perfect example.
Our whole marriage, I could never predict
what she was gonna do from moment to moment.
But now? The moment she learned you had a few bucks,
I knew exactly what she was gonna do.
Run over here to raise her tail.
And I'm not mad at her. You know why?
Because losing everything...
It's actually made us close again.
Take last night... after Tallulah went to sleep in her drawer,
Becca and I fired up a joint,
we sat on Lindsay's couch, watching TV,
laughing about this and that.
And, unprompted,
she started giving me a hand job.
And, Jimmy, I started to weep.
There she was, the woman I love,
sipping on boxed Chablis
and spitting in her hand.
I could really see her for the first time.
And now that I can, I never want to stop.
I don't want to go back to the fog of work,
accomplishments, achievement,
money, money, money,
taking everything for fucking granted.
I will not do that again.
I will not, goddamn it.
All we have are moments, Jimmy.
Like that hand job.
Like this moment.
You sew enough of those moments together,
and, the next thing you know,
you have a life worth really seeing.
Which is why I need you to give me $14,000
so I can convert this Korean meatball truck
into a roving medical unit.
What do you say?
You in or what?
What?
No.
Well, had to try.
Hey, babe.
Nah, it didn't work for me either.
Yeah, he's being a jerk-off.
Meet you out front in ten.
Can we stop at Yogurtland?
Aw, come on!
She's on her way.
You gonna eat that grilled cheese?
Ugh.
Who knew rappers could be
- so temperamental? - What's up, Gretch?
Congrats on the big news.
My promotion?
You got promoted? Tight.
That must be Lindser.
We're finally gonna try champ-pons tonight.
- Hmm? - Champagne tampons?
It's huge on Reddit.
Famous rappers. Noice!
Put me in a video. Don't be dicks.
We just came to tell you
face-to-face that you're not leaving us.
Because we're leaving you first.
Oh, snap.
Is that something I would say?
I am not leaving you guys.
I am just expanding my team.
I know you're worried Lindsay won't be up
for running point, but I'm holding her hand
through everything.
Plus, she's crazy matured.
Yee-haw!
Oh, hey.
Well, if it isn't my new favorite clients.
We're not your clients.
- We're leaving Caliber. - Oh, what's Caliber?
Look, guys, I get it.
Change is scary, but Gretch has laid a killer foundation
and I'm gonna take you to the next level.
Psh. How?
Let's not get into specifics right now...
Vice, Complex, and The Source
are coming to town next week to do a press tour
to reinvigorate the brand. Plus,
I've been talking to a Swedish promoter,
where you guys are very popular,
and we're working up a mini tour.
If we avoid the windmill parts, that could be cool.
It's a great way to publicize the new material.
We don't have new material.
What?
Well, you're gonna need some.
Chop, chop.
That's one motivating bitch.
- Yeah, she's good. - Mm.
- I'm Honey Nutz. - Shut up.
What was that?
- How did you... - This job is not that hard, Gretch.
It's just asking for things, and I'm a really good asker.
Because you have no shame.
Exactly.
Mmm.
Mmm, what's going on with you?
Why do I want to suck your dick?
- Because you're Lindsay? - No.
Usually, this only happens when I'm around
someone who...
Listen, apparently, everyone already knows,
and you're gonna find out soon anyway,
- so... - Jimmy,
here's your dollar back.
I broke your confidentiality. I told Becca. I'm sorry.
- Told Becca what? - Finding out
when someone has money
is the Cottumaccio superpower.
Don't worry, I plan on reporting myself to the FDIC.
Jimmy, what is he sorry for? What money?
Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.
I knew I wanted to suck your dick for a reason.
- Vernon? - Right here, babe.
I'm eating a secondhand cheese sammy.
That's the least that fink could give us.
What the hell is going on?
Jimmy's about to become an angel investor
in my surgeries-in-a-food-truck business.
No!
We need out of Lindsay's hovel.
You ruined a perfectly good...
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was just worried that it would change things.
Jimmy,
if I cared about money, I would've married Ty
or Chingy or any of the other countless rich guys I've banged.
I'm not horny for stuff, dummy. Never have been.
I'm just a bottomless pit
of need for constant male validation.
- That's comforting. - And, besides,
you've already given me the greatest gift in the world.
- My love. - You ate your come.
Because I told you it was important to me.
And then you did it a second time for some reason.
- Stop. - Well, you must've really liked it.
No, I... no, I didn't like it!
Then why'd you gobble it all up?
I was making sure it tasted as weird as I thought it did.
Aw...
Jimmy, we've all been talking,
and we're sorry we all bum-rushed you for help.
That wasn't fair.
What's fair is giving each of us $10,000
and calling it even.
Just get your checkbook and let's end the madness.
The money's gone.
What did she do with it? What did you do with it?
She didn't do anything. I did.
I just paid off my mortgage.
He did.
I no longer wish to suck the dick for money reasons.
Ever since you got that check,
you just think you're so superior, huh?
I've always thought I was superior.
Now, if you could all please leave.
What if I told you guys about a business opportunity
where people could get outpatient medical care
in a Korean food truck?
I'm listening.
You paid off the house?
I did.
For our future.
Now, let's christen this bitch.
Where is my car?
How dare they leave someone with full-blown polio.
I canceled your Lyft.
Jimmy,
please tell me you did not fix my hunk of shit car.
A possum just gave birth in the engine block.
Oh! I have always wanted a big ribbon!
Jimmy!
A new car.
A forever house.
Don't look now, but I think we might be turning into grown-ups.
Pancakes?
Let's do it!
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com