"Battle." "Fight."
"Win." "Lose."
These are the words we use
when someone is diagnosed with an illness or a disease.
* No wind, no rain *
* Or winter's cold *
* Can stop me, baby *
* Oh, baby *
* If you're my goal *
* Ah, ah, ah, ah *
We use militarized language
that implies it's a fair fight.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
But when it comes to life and death,
what does winning really look like?
Is a person a loser for dying
when the outcome isn't really in their control...
Oh. Damn it.
If any patients see you like that,
they might go to another hospital.
Always gets me in the mood.
Plus, you know, I'm seeing what daylight feels like
while I still can.
How's Catherine?
She's ready.
And you? Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Ah.
Funny bone. Not as easy as it looks.
Okay, then. I have real patients,
so, you know, good luck with... all this.
I'm messing with you.
You're gonna do great. You and Amelia.
You're ready.
Charley horse.
There he is. Thought you might need this.
Oh. No, thanks. But I'm... I'm good.
I'm running late for Catherine's scans.
Okay, well, I have cleared all my surgeries today
and shored up child care,
so I'm here for you, whatever you need,
- whenever you need it. - Like I said, I'm good.
Okay, Richard, it's gonna be a very long day.
Look, Meredith, I have plenty of doctors
and plenty of friends looking out for me.
You know who doesn't? Your father.
Molly had to get back to Bahrain with her kids.
He's all alone.
And I will make time to see Thatcher this week,
but today is all about you and Catherine.
Meredith, Thatcher may not have a week.
Now, I know it's never been easy between you two,
but the time to change that is running out.
Excuse me.
www.subtitulamos.tv
Oh, I'm sorry I missed your scan.
Oh, please. I went in. I came out.
Same as the first million times.
Well, I could have been there for you.
You had a good excuse.
There's my girl!
Let me get her for you. Relax.
Do you want to go to Grandma?
Say, "Hi, Grandma." "Hi, Grandma."
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Did Koracick re-check the CT angio?
Yes, and please stop.
I appreciate both of you wanting to be a part of this,
but I have a crackerjack neuro team.
I need you to be my husband and my son today.
And we need you to be our patient.
Hmm, Thomas, you're getting ready to cut open my spine.
I will be whatever I want.
Oh. Music to my ears.
Now, we will go in posteriorly
with our stealth system
and our newly pilfered ORBEYE scope.
The plan is to go in and remove it en bloc.
And you really think that posteriorly
is the way to go?
Oh, it is fun to have so many surgeons in one family.
Remind me, Avery...
when did you become double board certified in neuro?
That's really how you talk to your patient's family?
It is, actually.
We need to go in posteriorly
to avoid the carotid and the jugular,
and to avoid having to weave through the brachial plexus.
Look, I know how hard it is to be on the bench,
but we are the A-Team. And we don't lose.
Just ask Shepherd's tumor. Oh, wait, you can't.
Because I removed it. Flawlessly.
Okay, any last questions?
Um... it looks like you've got this.
We do.
Mm-hmm.
I'm good.
But, you know, I-I um...
I think I'd like to just take a little walk
before we get started.
I'd be happy to... Oh, no, honey.
I want to go alone.
Okay, then, but no guarantees
I won't watch you walk away.
You always do.
Hi. I'm...
Meredith?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You look just like your picture.
You're the surgeon, right?
Yeah.
Uh, do you want to come in?
That's a loaded question.
I'm not sure if he's awake.
He sleeps more and more these days
as you can imagine.
Uh, can I get you something?
Water? Gin, maybe?
All right.
Thatcher? You have a visitor.
Meredith!
Hi...
Hi.
He's not on any pain meds. Clean and sober.
His wishes.
So, just the oxygen, if he needs it.
But you know how that works.
I do.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
My cellphone number is on the fridge.
If you need anything, give me a call.
I probably can't stay very long.
I just...
There's so much to say, I-I...
I don't know what to say.
I didn't come here to say anything
or to hear you say anything to me, so...
we can just sit, if that's okay.
Okay.
Mom.
I was looking for you.
You know I give Amelia and Koracick a hard time,
but they're the best.
I was thinking about my first surgery.
The very first time I held a scalpel in my hand.
It was a simple lipoma, but I was terrified.
Hmm.
I expected to feel so powerful, invincible.
But the second that scrub nurse
put that 10 blade in my hand,
I went ice cold.
Okay, so then what did you do?
Diana Ross. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."
The first time I heard that song,
it just filled me with joy and such calm...
so I just sang it
over and over and over in my head, in that O.R.,
until that same sense of calm and joy washed over me.
And it's been my secret weapon
for everything that's ever scared me...
my first surgery.
Labor with you, it was on an endless loop.
Every PET scan, every MRI.
I remember you singing that song in the kitchen
when I was doing my homework.
You told me it was old people music.
You wanted Michael Jackson.
I love me some Michael. Ooh.
I had to pry that red leather jacket off of you
to get you to go to bed at night.
Ah, that's true.
Oh.
I guess I used to do the same thing.
My first surgery, I sang a song in my head.
I mean, it calmed me, you know? I know.
I watched you.
My first... How did you watch?
Child, please. I am Catherine Fox.
Do you think there's a world
where I wouldn't sneak into the gallery
of my baby's first surgery?
Oh, you were a sight to see...
Mm.
I bet Harriet does the same thing someday.
Well, I'll be sneaking up into the gallery with you, then.
Deal.
That's a deal.
Now, can we please get you to your room?
Not yet.
Mom...
I left the foundation in your name,
just in case anything happens to me.
Cecilia runs the day-to-day operations,
Charlie keeps the books humming,
but they'll need a leader, a North Star.
And in the event that I'm left totally paralyzed...
Mom, even if you can't operate,
you're still gonna run the foundation, okay?
You'll teach.
You're Catherine Fox. What are you gonna do?
You're gonna be all up in my business
and everybody else's.
We both know you're gonna find a way to do that.
Keep this. Turn the page.
I've already... Turn the page.
You planned your own party?
Mom.
If I get out of this alive, the fun we're gonna have...
and don't you even think about scrimping on those egg rolls.
You know they're my favorite.
You really planned everything.
I always do.
All right, then.
Shall we?
Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe.
Phillip put these everywhere for me.
He said it's supposed to be soothing.
Truth be told,
it just makes me miss it more.
A few years back, a student told me about
a semester he took abroad building schools.
Lexie was gone, and I thought I could either
drown my grief in a bottle of Scotch
or do something. So I did something.
In Zimbabwe.
The sunsets, Meredith... and the quiet.
The people that I met, they have this passion
for life, loving, learning...
And then you got sick.
I thought I'd just come home,
do whatever treatment I needed to do,
and then go back, but... It was good. Coming home.
It gave me a chance to... It was the right thing to do.
You went and got a whole new life.
I did.
I'm glad for you.
I'm glad you saw sunsets and built schools
for people who needed them and you stayed sober.
You went and got a whole new life.
Halfway across the world this time.
But you didn't give a damn
about the people you left behind.
Say it again.
We make an incision posteriorly from C3 to T4,
and then use the stealth probe
to mark the coordinates of the tumor.
And then do partial laminectomies
to access the tumor and remove it en bloc.
Perfect. Brilliant.
We are incredible.
Someone should really do a study on us.
Okay, say it.
What? Wh... Oh. No.
Ha ha! I'm good.
Good, good, good, good. Big Gun.
Ready to Big Gun the crap out of this tumor.
Damn it.
Even my arrogance is off. Right?
Right.
W-What if we try, uh, your thing?
You know, the... the word-vomit and the feelings?
That seems to work. For you.
Okay.
You... you first.
This is the largest tumor I've ever seen
on the biggest legend I've ever known,
and if I screw this up, I'm gonna have to live out
the rest of my ill-fated surgical career
fixing idiot teenagers
who get hurt cow-tipping in Lawrence, Kansas,
'cause I can't look Richard in the eye
knowing I gorked his legend wife.
That is specific.
Well... I'm saying,
- how do you get hurt cow-tipping? - It's a thing.
Just... You. Go.
Uh, Catherine Fox is an icon, and a magician,
and a giant among men...
and not just for the reasons you think.
She's saved more penises in her O.R.
than any surgeon on the planet.
And all I keep imagining
are the dozens of men with zero-functioning penises,
doomed to live out their sexless lives
if I botch this surgery.
That's what you're worried about?
Men and their junk?
That, and if I lose her...
I've lost enough.
So let's keep her alive.
Let's keep her alive.
I told them I didn't need a personal escort
to my own surgery.
Well, that's just making sure
you don't make a break for it.
Thomas, make sure that I wake up
with good motor and nerve function.
And don't forget to get clean margins.
I wouldn't dream of it.
And would you tell my husband
he does not have to sit up in that gallery all day?
"For better, for worse"
does not include seeing your wife's insides.
You know, you wouldn't be you
if you weren't bossing us all around
up until the last second.
You nervous?
Were you?
A little bit. But I turned out just fine.
That's because I was perfect,
which I'm willing to be again.
Well, you better be.
Oh, Richard, I always liked you.
No, you didn't.
And I'm fine as long as she's fine.
Okay, okay, can I have a minute with my husband, please?
I will see you... when I wake up.
Jackson?
Where's Jackson?
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *
One for the road?
Oh, ha ha! My baby!
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *
* If you need me *
* Call me *
* No matter where you are *
* No matter how far *
* No wind * * No wind *
* No rain * * No rain *
* Can stop me, babe *
* If you're my goal *
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *
* Ain't no mountain high enough *
* Ain't no valley low enough * * Ooh, ooh-ooh *
* Ain't no river wide enough *
* To keep me from you *
* Ain't no mountain high enough *
* Nothing can keep me, keep me from you *
* Ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from you *
* You've been running all over town *
Just like that, we are ready to navigate.
Don't you want to confirm the accuracy first?
Oh, what would I do without someone hee
to remind me of the obvious?
I'm just saying, maybe a little less music,
a little more concentration.
* All you want to do is ride around, Sally *
* Ride, Sally, ride *
Whoo!
This is going to be a long day.
And you are gonna love every minute of it.
We're gonna get don in there.
Get down and dirt. Here we go.
* All you want to do is ride around, Sally *
* Ride, Sally, ride *
* All you want to do is ride around, Sally*
Mind if I join you?
* Ride, Sally, ride *
I'd like that.
* One of these early mornings *
* I'm gonna be wiping those weeping eyes *
How's the resection going?
So far so good.
Come on. Let it loose. Let it out.
Are you sure you don't want to be in the waiting room?
I can watch, and I can report back to you guys.
No, I'm fine right where I am. I-I'm good.
* I bought you a brand-new mustang *
Do it with me. Come on, now.
You're mad.
I'm not mad.
Meredith...
Fine. I'm mad.
Because I moved away.
Because you ran away.
Because you have never fought for anyone or anything
that you cared for in your life.
You just disappear.
When I gave you a piece of my liver,
you said we would try, right?
You said we could get to know each other.
You didn't try. You didn't fight.
And when Lexie died...
I know. I know. No, you don't know,
because you weren't here.
I lost my sister. I lost my husband.
And you were nowhere to be found.
That's not...
Meredith, I was there after Derek died.
No, why would you say something like that?
Because it's the truth, Meredith.
Richard told me Derek died. I bought a ticket.
I flew all day, all night.
I got to the funeral just... just in time.
I stood a few rows back.
Next to some of your doctor friends from the hospital.
I would remember if you were at his funeral.
I was there, Meredith.
But you were barely there. You were a ghost.
You looked like me when I lost Susan and Lexie.
Are you saying you came to the funeral
and didn't speak to me?
I felt like it would... would have been for me,
- not... - not... not...
for... for you.
Let's get you to the bed.
I came home, Meredith. For you.
* And you're standing here beside me *
This microscope is a game changer.
I know. I feel like I could just walk into the screen
and surf on the spinal cor.
* Never for money, always for love *
* Cover up and say goodnight *
* Say goodnight *
All right...
it looks like we are clear to remove the tumor en bloc.
Except... hang on.
I can't get it free.
Okay, then. Time to suck and pluc.
- I'm sorry, what? - The tumor's like a grape.
You suck out the inside, then you pluck out the skin.
Suck and pluck.
- Could you call it something else? - Like what?
Literally anything else.
I hate this dude.
-Jackson, sit. -No, I hate him. For real.
I want to jump through this glass
and just, like, choke him out.
He is bopping.
He's bopping over my mom's spine.
I mean, who does that? Maybe you should take a walk.
I'm gonna take a walk now.
Richard, this can't be good for you either.
The first year or so Catherine and I were together,
we figured out how to make the long distance work
because we'd promise to show up
whenever we needed, however we needed.
It's what you do for the people you love.
She may fuss,
but I don't need to ask her where she wants me to be.
I'm already here.
* Make it up as we go along *
Are you okay if I...
It's fine. Go.
* Head in the sky *
* It's okay, I know nothing's wrong *
* Nothing's wrong, oh *
* I got plenty of time *
You gonna lecture me, too, on how I shouldn't be here?
You shouldn't be.
* Oh, you got light in your eyes *
But that's not my call.
It's not decompressing. What do you mean
It's too dense, like it's made of...
I don't know what... cartilage,
small chips of hard calcifications.
Damn it. I can't get it either.
Kill the music.
We need to go in from the front.
Her spine is open.
It's all exposed.
If we move her,
we risk losing function in her forearm and hand.
It's the only way.
Okay, well, let me ask you one question first...
Are you insane? We close up the incision.
We flip her onto her side. I go in from the front.
We meet in the middle to decompress
and unearth this thing.
So the answer is yes, you are insane.
We'll get a few more peope in here, we can flip her.
And keep her still and not sever her spine?
Not to mention having to break scrub,
- re-drape, rescrub... - Cow-tipping in Kansas!
Dozens of sexless men!
If it were you again on the table,
what would you want?
For the record, I do not like you.
Shut down the gallery.
There you are.
Mom's always been larger than life, you know?
Laughs harder, yells louder than anyone.
She's the life of the party.
Even if it's my birthday party
and she's taking over the dance floor.
Sounds amazing.
I was 16. It was mortifying.
She'd always do that.
She always inserted herself
in every single aspect of my life, you know,
whether I wanted her to or not...
Hell, whether I even knew about it or not.
And, um...
Now I can't, uh...
I can't imagine what a room would even feel like
without her in it taking up all that space.
It was different... losing Samuel.
That was more like...
like my world collapsing around me, you know?
And this, I just...
I feel like... a scared little kid.
Like nothing is safe.
Like the world's upside down
and nothing makes any sense anymore.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't like it. I know.
I don't like it. I know. I know.
Okay. Let's rock and roll.
On my count, one, two, three.
Good, good, good. Easy.
Let's secure her hips.
She's good.
Okay, they did it. She's okay.
You ready, Bokie?
Okay. Deep breath, everybody.
Scalpel.
Dr. Koracick?
Tom.
I think I'm gonna have trouble
getting around the C7 facet
while keeping the tumor retracted from this angle.
Maybe you could give it a try?
Please, I could do that in my sleep.
Show off.
-Scalpel. -Scalpel.
Is that when you and Richard started talking?
After the funeral?
I tried calling you.
You never called back.
And I worried.
At first, I was just checking in on you.
Mm, Richard and I started...
...talking about a lot of things.
We both had amends to make.
There are so many things
I could say I'm sorry for, Meredith.
But all I really want to say is thank you.
Thank you for what?
For so long, I measured my life
in the things done to me, taken from me.
Now I can see my life for exactly what it is.
Some people have more pain than others.
But no one, nothing, was conspiring against me.
When you gave me a piece of your liver,
you gave me time, precious time.
Time to get your head out of your own ass?
Y... Y... You could say that.
I had a life, Meredith, 'cause of you.
My own real, honest, painful, incredible life.
I just wish you and I could have shared it.
Well, I guess you did try this time.
I just didn't know.
I miss Lexie.
I miss her so much.
Me too.
I'm sorry you lost her.
I know how much it... it meant to you, having a sister.
I have another sister.
But you and Molly, you were never close.
Her name is Maggie.
Oh...
She's brilliant. And kind.
She's the best of Ellis and Richard.
Your... Your mother and Richard had a baby.
At least something good came from all that.
I'm gonna get a humpback operating with you.
I'm already standing on a step stool.
what more do you want from me?
Heels?
Okay, it looks like the tumor
is free of the brachial plexus.
Should we try to pull it out?
Let's do it.
We've lost all the signal from one arm.
The tumor is moving pretty easily.
Check your machine. Could be artifact.
No, there's still a little tension from my side.
I... I think it's coming from the root.
Which means there's no way to remove this without...
Risking paralysis.
If they can't remove the whole tumor,
they're gonna have to do it piecemeal.
But then they risk
leaving some of the tumor behind.
What?
My path pen.
Remove the tumor piecemeal,
and then use the pen to see if you got it all.
Okay, it hasn't cleared FDA process yet,
and it isn't on the market, but I'm telling you, it works.
I really have always liked you, Richard.
No, you haven't.
Yes. Get it.
And that twitch over her right eye
when you switched the ice maker
from cubed to crushed.
"What kind of a monster crushes ice?
It's uncivilized."
Crushed ice was uncivilized.
Taking my last cup of coffee...
uncivilized. Uncivilized.
Getting an A- in Chem Lab.
Uncivilized. Uncivilized.
She was...
Kind of a tyrant.
But brilliant.
Oh, I can't argue with that.
Terrible driver.
Can't argue with that.
But she was extraordinary.
Yeah. Oh.
Do you regret marrying her?
The entire time she was pregnant with you,
she pretended she wasn't.
I don't know if it was stubbornness or denial.
Maybe both.
Nine months, she had to do everything herself.
And I had to let her.
The night she went into labor, she came home after surgery,
and she just stood in the doorway, wide-eyed.
"We're having a baby, Thatch.
We're having a baby."
As if the idea just hit her, right there.
She... She started to laugh. She couldn't stop laughing.
Laughed all the way to the hospital.
I never heard her laugh like that,
so big, so free.
And I just thought, "Wow.
What a way for you to come into the world."
We weren't perfect.
We weren't even happy a lot of the time.
But I'd marry her all over again
for that night, that laugh.
And you.
And this.
I'd do it all again for this.
How can there still be cancer there?
We've been at this for hours.
It's still lighting up like Christmas.
Let's just keep going.
We'll hit clear tissue eventually.
Signal's fading again.
She's losing function in her arms.
- We've barely touched anything. - Breathe.
We are going in the right direction.
Losing the signal in her other arm...
Okay, stop it! We know! If we keep going,
we cost Catherine her motor function,
her career, her life as she knows it... we know!
Meredith...
Okay, don't try to speak.
But... the closet.
I left something...
I don't need anything.
...for your kids.
I wish...
I wish I knew them.
I thought of... I thought of them.
Ahh.
Your hands are so cold.
Sorry, I can...
No, no, no.
Oh, it feels good.
Zola is so smart and so strong.
Yeah? And she keeps me on my toes
every minute of every day.
And Bailey says "funny" before every sentence.
"Funny, I'd like an apple.
Funny, I need pajamas."
It's so cute.
And Ellis... she is brave.
And she's obsessed with hip-hop.
They are exhausting... and amazing.
I wish you knew them, too.
Because they are so, so beautiful.
How...
Easy. Easy, Mom.
How... How... Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Hey.
-Mm-hmm. -Uh-huh.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
All right. Well, your reflexes are normal.
My hands and feet move. Whoo.
I'm not dead? With that tumor?
No, you're most definitely not dead.
Oh, I thought for sure they were gonna kill me.
What?
Tell me.
Catherine, when we went in to get the tumor,
it was adherent to your brachial plexus.
We were able to remove about 95% of it,
but we had to leave one nodule behind.
So... radiation? Chemo?
They've had some success with proton beam therapy.
Some?
It's likely, even with treatment...
I'll have to live with this cancer
the rest of my life.
I was sure you'd get it all or kill me trying.
So did we.
Catherine, I'm so sorry.
Sorry? I'm alive.
I can live with this for many years.
People live with cancer. We've all seen it happen.
You're gonna have to get, uh, scans every three months
to make sure the tumor doesn't, uh, grow.
And in between, I'll operate.
Mm. And I'll hug my son.
Mm.
Make love to my husband.
Okay...
Chase my Harriet, make mistakes,
and fight about who gets to pick the movie on date night.
You two have given me my life back.
Now what?
'Cause we didn't plan on this.
These two pulled off a miracle.
Miracles aren't always punctuation marks.
But they are worth celebrating.
So we are gonna have that party.
We just might have to wait a couple of months
so I can get on the dance floor.
I love you.
Hey. I heard about the surgery.
Congratulations.
Oh. I know, I know.
You knew I had it in me all along.
Honestly? I was on the fence.
You should be really proud.
There are not a lot of surgeons who could do that.
Which part?
Where I flipped my friend like a pancake
or failed to leave her cancer free?
The part where you saved her life
and her surgical career.
Yeah, that part wasn't half bad.
You should celebrate.
Why don't you get cleaned up?
I'll meet you at Joe's, and I'll buy you a drink.
Uh... w... Can we take a rain check?
I... I'm wiped. And I-I smell bad.
And when you spend money on me, I want to smell good.
Yeah. Okay.
Night.
Goodnight.
When it comes to medicine,
who's to say what is winning or losing?
There's just as much value in trying again
as there is in letting go...
I saved my friend today, David.
I didn't think I-I could, and it wasn't perfect.
Your dad was kind of a badass.
letting go of suffering, regret, pain, fear.
I operated on a freaking legend's spine today.
And it was terrifying.
And exhilarating.
And imperfect.
Mostly terrifying.
Because she's not just a legend.
She matters so much to so many people that I love...
Most of my life, I have been chasing
the kind of high that I feel right now.
I gave a surgeon back her hands today.
I gave a husband his wife, a son his mother.
And I am so incredibly grateful to be sober...
...to be present enough to have felt
every terrifying, exhilarating,
imperfect moment.
Instead of saying someone we love
is battling, beating, fightin, winning, or losing,
why don't we just tell the truth.
There you go, sweethearts.
We get sick. We take our medicine...
Wow. So cool.
Where did you get it, Mommy?
Uh, your grandfather, Thatcher.
He wanted you to have it, and he wanted you to know
that he cared about you very much...
Funny, I love it.
...some of us live, some die.
Mommy, are you okay?
Yes, Zo-Zo. I will be fine.
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