Matt, looking dapper today.
Kate, you okay? You look tired.
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --
Americans are obese, drunk,
and addicted to pills.
Everyone is hooked on something.
Addiction in this country is an epidemic.
And it is fantastic for business.
90 percent of shopping is done by shopaholics.
90 percent of chocolate is consumed by chocoholics.
90 percent of alcohol is consumed
by people addicted to alcohol.
That's why I'm announcing an open call
for pitches on new addictions.
So, let's put on our thinking caps.
All right, let's open the room to addiction.
Matt, that's gross.
There's no reason to have a visible pimple as an adult.
Use some concealer for Christ's sake.
I don't wear makeup.
Well, then you're an idiot.
- Wait, do you wear makeup? - Of course.
Hot people do better at business.
I've never noticed.
That's because I'm a master of the craft
and you're blinded by my beauty.
You look good. I've always thought that.
Painkillers can be good.
Do you have any specific painkillers that you prefer?
Have you used Fentanyl?
I don't know what the names are.
I just... I know the colors.
Do you think you could be convinced
to start wearing makeup?
No way.
Because you're insecure about your masculinity.
I'm not insecure about my masculinity.
I just don't think anybody should wear makeup personally.
Not even women.
If women liked the way they look,
the entire American economy would collapse.
The fact that Hampton DeVille isn't capitalizing
on men's shame is a huge mistake.
Kate and I will be pre-screening the pitches on Wednesday
in the Oasis conference room...
The Oasis is too small. Let's do the Driskoll.
But I already booked the Oasis room.
Who cares? It takes one e-mail to change the reservation.
We'll see everyone Wednesday in the Driskoll.
Oh, damn it, I'm late for my ZenCycle class.
If I'm not screamed at
by a tiny woman at least once a day,
I simply cannot function.
Kate, I understand you're tired today,
but you should really watch your tone.
My tone?
You have a sharp, cutting tone
that marginalizes and diminishes people.
Is this about the Oasis room?
Don't be so sensitive.
Ooh, do you hear your tone right now?
You might not.
It's combative. It's aggressive.
And honestly, if I didn't know you,
I'd feel physically unsafe right now.
Whereas my tone is calm
because I'm in control of my emotions,
and I will never, ever let them loose.
You have a vein popping out of your forehead.
I'm telling you all this for your benefit, Kate.
- What? - Nothing.
It's just, um, you don't wear makeup, do you?
Every evening, I destroy my face,
and every morning, I rebuilt it anew.
Really? I always thought you were a natural beauty.
Doesn't matter what Mother Nature gives you...
all women are taught at a young age
to hate the way they look.
Paige, you don't wear makeup, do you?
Why don't you ask the 200,000 makeup addicts
who watch my makeup tutorials?
Only men can get away with looking like shit every day.
You think I look like shit?
You have... flaws.
What are they?
Matt, you have to understand,
if we tell you, there's no going back.
Pick the azure eyeliner, and the conversation ends here.
You wake up in your bed and believe you're beautiful.
Pick this scarlet lip liner, and we'll show you
how deep the rabbit hole of insecurity goes.
- Your pores are visible... - Your skin is both...
- ... from four feet away. - ... oily and flaky.
I don't understand how that's possible.
You remind me of the Green Giant from the green bean can.
- Your face has a dull... - The bags underneath your eyes...
- ... dingy yellow undertone to it... - ... are like deflated basketballs...
The beard's not... like, inbred or something.
Men are ugly.
They just don't know it yet.
You, sir, did you know that you're ugly?
Well, it's true.
But I've got a cure for your ugly face...
male makeup.
Jake, will you help me?
I need help.
I knew this day would come.
Come here, boy.
You look so bad, bro. I'll fix you up good.
I want to tell you a story about my grandfather.
My grandfather was never a beautiful man.
He always struggled with his looks.
But then, one day, I saw him at his most handsome...
in a casket, covered in makeup.
The beauty industry pulls in $430 billion
in sales every single year.
Who are these sales to?
Women.
By my estimation, women are only half the human population.
The other half?
Men. Guys.
Fellas. Daddy-Os.
Let's take a look at Matt.
Matt used to think he was a natural beauty.
Until this past week, no one had ever thought
to tell him that he is, in fact, an uggo.
However, with the power of makeup,
I have managed to transform this pauper...
into a prince.
Makeup has given him a newfound confidence.
We have forgiven his many intellectual
and personal failings
because, quite simply, he looks stunning.
I believe that with a little convincing,
we could not only get men to start wearing makeup,
we could get them addicted
and change the face of the beauty industry forever.
- Great stuff. - Hot dog!
I think we're all in agreement here
that the stand-out pitch
was Jake's Male Makeup idea,
the first good idea he's had
- maybe ever? - Right.
I think we should all work together
- to develop this idea. - Well, I think Christian will want
more than one idea to choose from,
so how 'bout I lead the male makeup team...
after all, I am a male...
and you can take your pick of the other great ideas?
But seeing as I'm the only one here
who actually wears makeup every single day...
You wear makeup? Huh.
I always thought you were a natural beauty.
Guess not.
My point is, I think I'm more equipped
to lead the male makeup team.
- You think I don't know about makeup? - Mnh-mnh.
I bet I know just as much as you do.
- Let's find out. - Let's.
How much does this lipstick cost?
Okay. What do we got here?
This looks small, so really cheap plastic.
Smells domestic
as opposed to European imported.
So, I want to say, 89 cents.
No! 79 cents.
$60!
- What? - Jesus Christ!
You clearly know nothing about makeup.
Kate, I didn't want to have to call this out
in front of everyone, but...
there's that tone again!
There's nothing
- wrong with my tone. - Let's find out.
Who here has ever felt silenced or diminished
by Kate's harsh, knifey tone?
Oh. Every last one.
Fine.
- You take the male makeup team... - Okay.
... and I'll take... nicotine toothpaste.
Good one. Great.
So, who wants to be on the male makeup team?
Oh. All of 'em again.
Grace, I'd like to file a complaint against John.
He just filed a complaint against you.
Really? About what?
Your aggressive tone.
That little bitch.
Don't take it personally.
Men have been complaining about women's tones
ever since women started working at Hampton DeVille in 1993.
Have other men complained about my tone?
A few...
dozen...
hundred.
A few dozen hundred?
Let me see what they said.
Kate, if I let you read what your male co-workers
have said about you, there is no going back.
If you pick the blue pen, you'll wake up...
Just show it to me!
- Her tone was too harsh... - Feel emasculated...
- It was the way she said it... - She's taller than me...
- Cuts like a dagger... - Knifey...
- Like a sword... - Piercing...
- Like a knife-hatchet... - Knife-blade...
Thank you.
It's always so cold in this building.
The temperature in offices is set to accommodate men in suits
who get to keep the hair on their bodies.
But luckily, I have developed ways of adapting.
It is always shocking to be reminded
how pathetically sensitive the men in this office are.
That's why I've compiled a list of the best tones
to use for men in the office.
I could teach you, and, in exchange,
maybe you could pull some strings with the guy
who controls the AC around here.
Deal.
The most popular tone among men in the office
is one I like to call "Horny Toddler."
We are going to manipulate male insecurity
through a propaganda campaign.
We'll target entertainment for boys as young as possible
so they'll be hooked for life.
If little boys don't feel like unlovable garbage,
we haven't done our jobs!
Try Shy Ghost.
I hope it's not totally weird
that I'm saying this,
but you look really good today.
Remember, tone isn't just about the pitch of your voice.
Make sure to start and end every sentence with an apology.
- I'm sorry. - Perfect.
Hi, guys. It's Paige.
And there are two types of people in this world...
those who know how to contour,
and those who are abandoned by everyone that they love.
We want to create a culture of shame.
So, what are some things you feel ashamed of?
- Redness. A lot of redness. - My son.
Let's stick to physical attributes for now.
All right, my son's weak arms.
Okay.
Hey, Matt, I'm sorry,
but you look, like, so super good today.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Kate. I really appreciate that.
And I'm sorry, but would you be willing
to maybe work late tonight?
Yeah, of course. I'd love to help out.
You look like you could use the break anyway.
We need to normalize makeup for men
by associating it with things men already like.
So, what do men like?
- World War II? - Yep.
- Sex. - Yeah.
- Football. - Exotic jungle birds.
Okay, what else?
Keeping secrets from my fucking wife!
Jake, it's "exotic jungle" birds.
Hey, Matt, nice contouring.
Thanks, Jessica.
Have you thought about doing something with your lashes?
- Yeah. - Be really cute.
Dying ballerina!
Sorry, I'm like, so totally sorry.
Anthropomorphized sparrow!
I'm sure you have, like,
a million different things to do than talk to me today,
but a lot of women in the office
have been talking about how it's, like, too cold.
So, I was wondering if you could do me, like,
a tiny, huge favor and maybe make it a little bit warmer.
Sorry.
Whether it's mid-game,
mid-east, or mid-ages...
... you need to bring your armor.
Whatever your battlefield, we've got your back...
and your front.
R-More... wear it proud.
We want to get your honest feedback.
Would you try R-More?
Well, I...
I have always hated these dark circles under my eyes.
Could R-More help me with that?
- Definitely. - Absolutely.
I've been trying to get a promotion at work.
Maybe this could give me a leg up.
Maybe so. And good luck.
I use Chap Stick,
so sort of like the same thing.
So, Chap Stick.
But isn't makeup for girls?
Yeah, but that's only because society
has programmed us to think that.
But if I wear makeup,
people will think I'm, like, a girl.
Excellent point.
We should have thought about that.
I'm a boy.
On second thought, maybe I wouldn't try it.
Yeah, actually, I think women like
these dark circles under my eyes, so...
I'm gonna stop using Chap Stick.
- Mm-hmm. - Me, too. I hate Chap Stick.
Well, that was a disaster!
There's only one man who should wear makeup,
and that is Christopher, the sweet Goth teen
who gives me pretzel samples at the mall!
Those guys wanted to wear makeup until you let
the whole conversation be swayed by one insecure guy!
Jake, watch your tone!
Hey, John!
You look, like, super good today.
Thanks, Kate. Oh. You know what, Kate?
Um, I owe you an apology.
Yeah, you were right.
You know more about makeup than me.
And to make it up to you,
how would you like to take over the male makeup project?
Oh, my God!
John, you're, like, the best.
I know it. I know.
- I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.
I would fuck every character on "Society of Tomorrow."
- Yeah, same here! - Mm-hmm!
It's like they make them so hot.
- So hot. - Yeah.
Notice anything different about me?
Not really.
My lashes?
They're a little clumpy.
I guess I'm used to you with makeup now.
There's no going back!
I mean, it's like they oversexualize everybody.
- I love it! - I do love it.
That bald little bitch!
Whoa, Kate, take it easy.
No, I've been talking like a fucking toddler all week!
No wonder he wanted me to take over male makeup.
These focus-group results are terrible.
I still believe in this idea.
We just need a new angle.
Your mistake is you've been underestimating
how insecure men are.
It's the same mistake I've made my entire life.
- _ - Shh.
Shit!
Hold the elevator.
- Whew. - Matt, you okay?
You look tired.
My makeup!
He's never been turned down for a promotion
or a date.
He looks good,
and he looks like he doesn't care.
He's everything a man should be
plus a little more.
How does he do it?
? Baby ?
It's my little secret.
No one has to know...
- Shh. - ? Baby ?
Thanks for coming back in.
We'd love your thoughts on My Little Secret,
but this time, we're doing an anonymous survey.
You do not have to write your name,
and no other man will ever know what you wrote.
? Baby ?
Shh.
Grace?
Come on. Daddy-O needs his makeup.
Yes.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't a dirty raccoon
caught rifling through some nasty garbage.
I'm sorry I rummaged through your stuff, Grace.
It's just really exhausting
to have to look my best every day.
You can stop wearing makeup any time you want.
But then I'll look like shit.
Yeah, but then people will get used to you looking like shit,
and then nobody will care because you're a guy.
So what you're saying is there's a double standard?
- Exactly. - Between people like me,
who are natural beauties,
and people like you who aren't.
Ah.
You're prettier when you don't talk.
Well, then I'd better keep my mouth shut
because I want to go to the ball.
Jake, are you nervous?
Well, this is my first time
presenting directly to Christian.
Look at me.
There is nothing to worry about.
The focus group results were off the charts.
This is a slam dunk.
But fix your blush.
Your face is too wide.
You should know that.
Oh, you're right.
Okay. Let's see what you've got.
We all know men are insecure.
But they're too insecure...
I'm going to stop you right there.
Men are not insecure.
_
I agree.
Men are definitely not insecure.
- Great note, Christian. - Thank you, John.
So, uh, what's the next idea?
We all know brushing your teeth is a healthy habit.
Well, my idea asks,
"What if it were an uncontrollable addiction?"
Introducing Nicotine Toothpaste.
We'll have people brushing 20 times a day.
Hmm.
Well, it's, uh, not the most original idea.
But...
original ideas are rarely good.
Okay, let's do it.
- Nice work, John. - Thank you.
Say, is anyone else hot in here?
Oh, definitely.
Kate, why don't you see about turning up the AC?
Yes, sir.
I'm off to another ZenCycle class.
I simply cannot get enough.
_
I actually have an addiction I've never really talked about.
Uh, I'm addicted to eating earplugs.
- Fascinating. - It's weird, but you remember
that woman who ate her own couch?
- Yes, we do. - Start to finish?
Well, it's a similar kind of thing,
but with silicone earplugs.
Cotton will not do it for me.
- Has to be silicone? - Got to be silicone.